I miss you so much, Tommy!

My Random 3AM Post

Tommy,

Well, what can I say? December has been here for a moment and next week will be busy. Last Christmas I was sick and you had to make dinner. I couldn't even sit at the table with you, which makes me sad now. It was great though when I looked over and saw you and the kids together. They are amazing children. I was back home the other day and Avery was acting up so I yelled at her. She started crying for Daddy. "I want my Daddy" over and over again. She has never done that before. It made my heart break.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm in denial and while maybe it's not totally healthy, it works for me. They did our story as a segment on a documentary on E! on military wives. They had to cut a lot of it out because they were threatened with legal action otherwise. Nothing was allowed to be said about you even being on base let alone talking about your command or the doctors or how it all played out that day.
So, I know you didn't want me to move (the whole broken glass bowl in the middle of the night incident), but I did. My location was influenced by wrong motives and I think that you were trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I happy there. The other night I was crying. It was the night that it all started to unravel. I wasn't crying because things were unraveling, but because I realized that I didn't listen to you enough while you were alive and even after you died you tried to warn me, but I STILL didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened more and here I was thinking I knew better, but I was wrong. (Now let's be honest, you were wrong lots of times, too, but I didn't listen nearly as much as I should). You'd tell me I was listening to the wrong people and sometimes I did and others I didn't. I found myself in a similar situation again. This time, though, I am finally learning my lesson (yay for whoever get's to deal with me next, haha).

I'm starting to realize that my focus has been blurred. It's not so much of an issue anymore, but it all happened for a reason. I have to stop being selfish now and stop focusing on me and what is making me temporarily happy. That happiness isn't lasting anyway, but I sure as hell needed it while I had it. It's time for me to start figuring ME out and life for our kids.

I got some good advice this past week while back home (our home, back home). I realize that it's time to change my focus. I've been hoping that something external would come in and fix things, but it's me who has to fix it and then that certain type of happiness I've been clinging to will come on its own. It's like I've been working from the outside in, but I need to work from the inside out. It may hurt and it may be lonely and hard trying to fix it all, but it's what I have to do.

Love,
Katie

A Different Place

Dear Tommy,

I'm not at our house, as you know. You told me not to move my last night there. I didn't get a clear answer as to why, but I know you did-- the glass bowl breaking in the middle of the night and what you said were quite clear. I have to say, though, that being out of that town has been like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I needed to get out to be able to clear my head and start to look towards the future. I was stuck. I couldn't breathe. There was no hope, no light that was going to guide me to where my life needs to be. I feel so much better now. I'm getting settled in the new house. I have things here that remind me of you, but they are put up so that I don't focus on them daily. I want you close-- always, but in a different way now. Don't get me wrong, you know I love you and miss you more than words can describe; I just need to accept that there is still life to live and happiness that is designed for me.

There were certain events that lead me to where I am right now (obviously the first was your passing, but after that, there were several others, too). Jena calls one my "nudge" and perhaps she's right, but everything else had to work out just-so in order for it to all play out the way it did. I don't count on anything lasting in life (even the bad, but except the sad, though that changes, too). But no matter what got me here (some things in the process were "good" while others weren't so much), I'm glad I am here now. I feel alive again. I've felt peace since I got here, and we know that I rarely feel true peace in my life. I felt peace when I made the decision to come here and everything since. There is something bigger in the works for me here. I can see this being my "forever place" or at least the general area. Maybe it's not forever, but it's definitely for-right-now. Living here just feels without a doubt in my mind, RIGHT! It's the first thing that has felt that way in a long time. I guess how long I stay ultimately depends on where life takes me.

It's strange to me how life works out sometimes. You know, those little moments or those seemingly little decisions that we make that turn out to be the catalyst to grand changes in our lives. The people we meet, the things, we do, the lives we end up living, it's all those little things that we neglect to recognize in the moment, but looking back it's so obvious to see how it all played out. I feel like I'm in that place right now. The big event happened already and now it's all the little things that are really influencing where life is about to lead me. It's exciting. I see that again. I feel alive and ready to embrace what is to come (God I pray it's all good for our children and I).

I will be starting my master's classes next week, I want to find a church down here, I want to explore this new town, I want to see what God has planned for me relationship wise-- or at least I think so, haha. Really and truly I want to soak up all the good that life has to offer. I don't know how much is out there (true me being a little synical, but cautious is the word I'm going with), but however much I can get, I want to take. I want to give it, too. I want to be someone who has something great to offer this world and the people in my life. If I'm going to do this thing called "life" I may as well try to find the good in it and enjoy what I can.

I hope and pray that everything that I want to work out does, but I'm trying to be realistic and know that no matter what, I am where I am supposed to be right now and if things don't go according to MY plan it's because God has something even better waiting for me in life! (You know me though, and you know that I'm really rooting for my plans to be God's plans). I am so thankful to have made it to this point in life. I didn't think 6 months ago that I would be able to have this attitude ever again, let alone 6 months after I lost you! A lot of it, well to be honest, most of it and the most significant part has to do with God putting the "nudge" in my life, but there is so much more to it, too... And just between you and me (and everyone else who reads this, haha) I like to think you've played a role in it, too.

Sending you my love,
Katie

Tommy,

So I'm moving. I am a huge ball of emotions on this one. I don't know how I'll feel when I get to "my" new place. I was talking to a good friend today and she was saying how I should be careful because it may hit me once I'm there that I'm leaving a huge part of my life behind. The past 4 1/2 years have been spent in this town. This is the only place we ever lived together (3 places, though). We bought our first home together here. You wanted that so bad. To me it wasn't a big deal to say that we were "homeowners" but it was to you. You felt accomplished about it. It's sad to walk away from our home, from this town that holds so many memories, it's sad to say I'm starting over without you, but it's just as sad to stay here knowing that you're not here with me.
Wednesday is November 10th which is the Marine Corps Birthday and more importantly 6 months since you died. The tears are streaming down my face right now and Avery knows that when I cry it's because I'm sad about you and she says "My Daddy died... Mommy stop crying." I wish I didn't ever have to cry another tear, but I know that there will always be tears because my heart will always hurt over your death. I can't believe it's been 6 months (well, almost), but wow I have to say it has gone by very fast. It just doesn't seem like it's been half a year. In 2 weeks it'll be 1 year since you came home from Afghanistan. Wow, if I had only known then...

5 MONTHS

Dear Tommy,

It all started about this time 5 months ago. Can I just tell you how fast it has gone by? None of your deployments ever went this fast. I'm not complaining. Why would I want time to drag on? I still don't believe that you're gone. No, I know that it's real, but I have found that living in denial is the best way for me. I miss you so much everytime I think about you and you not ever being here with the kids and me. I have a hard time looking at our kids- I mean REALLY looking at them and thinking how they don't have their Daddy and how there may never be anyone to really take over that role for them. It's a big role and one that has to be taken seriously. I feel so sad for them. It breaks my heart all the time. It's just not fair that they are so young and missing out on so many happy memories with their Dad. I'm going to do everything I can to make their lives happy and give them a good family life. I just know it won't be easy all the time.

I miss you Thomas. I always will. I am trying to move forward with parts of my life. Life will obviously never be the same, but I do know I can find some happiness in this life. I am trying to look to the future, but I'll never let go of the past. I know there is room for both in my life. I miss your love. I miss hearing those words. I miss that feeling. I think that's what I have come to miss the most over the past 5 months. I know love will be in my life again, of this I am sure. I know that it won't be the same, but I hope it's as good. You will always be in my heart forever and ever.

Katie

Setting the Record Straight:

Note: I have not yet proof read or edited this blog entry, so bare with me and the spelling mistakes.

Ok, this blog is about getting the Facts straight about the 3 articles that have been written on Tom's death. I was fairly pleased, but the latest one kind of had a spin that I was Not too thrilled with. I will start with that one first. But I want to make it clear that I think each reporter did at least a fair job, if not very good. I think that the most important thing is to get the awareness out there and they are taking their time on this making it an issue which I am thankful for. I am just a stickler for details.

The National Journal magazine:
And my quotes are not all totally accurate and his wording on some descriptions are not how I would convey the message, but I'm just going to leave that as a general statement for now.
1. Nathan was not an infant when Tom came home. He was 16 months old.
2. Technically I didn't wrestle the gun away. I attempted to take it, but really who do you think got it? That's why I called the police and they went looking for him when he took off.
3. (He basically go this part right, but I just want to clarify my stance on it). I believe that Tom's suicide was caused by the war and how his lack of coping skills compounded with the lack of care and ill perscribed medications. I believe that the medicaiton was what sent Tom spinning out of control and started the downward spiral. Maybe I should say that it rapidly accelerated what was there and made the thoughts of suicide predominent. He was right in that the meds played a part. I also think that to some extent medication is very much needed if it's handled right.
4. ***It was NOT MarSOC that told Tom he had to stop taking his medication. It was 5/10 (And for the record, I HATED his command there at 5/10 and only have negative feeling towards 1 person in the MarSOC command). MarSOC had NO idea that Tom had any "issues" except for the doctors at MarSOC, not his command themselves.
5. Tom gave up a few guns on his own in March, but when he signed them out and the "Easter incident" as I call it happened and they found out the guns were at home they came to get the guns again.
6. It was Tom's civilian doctor's at Deplyment Health under NHCL that I spoke with and dealt with. Don't get me wrong, though, there is one doctor at MarSOC that I think is an idiot and hindered Tom getting adequate help, but do to the fact that I don't want to get called on for slander I will leave his name out. Though I have never met the man I have heard enough about this man that it's safe for me to have a fair opinion on how he is Not helping the problem for men with PTSD.
7. Kind of goes with #6 that it wasn't miliraty personel that I spoke with and tried getting Tom help.
8. I called to warn his psychologist that Tom had a gun BEFORE all this happened, not after Tom called me. I did call her and I asked her what was going on and how he got the gun. I wanted answers at that point and I was terrified!
9. The quote "The command could have done more." Is accurate, but in my opinion it's misplaced. I think certain people in his command should have done more and his Gunny should NOT have said some things that he said, but let me state that some people in his command really and truly wanted to help Tom. I feel that his command, his doctors, and me most of all let Tom down.
10. (This one is not in order I just rememeber it). Itn't 2 Marines that showed up it was a Marine and a Chaplin

As for the Jacksonville Daily News article:
1. I didn't know there was a suicide on base until they showed up at my house. I thought he was alive because that's what I was told, but something didn't feel right. I didn't find out on Mya 11th. They showed up on May 10th. Not a huge deal, but want there to be clarification.

And for the Salon.com article:
1. He said it was February that his guns were taken, but it was really March.
2. It's not that it was not factual, I just kind of didn't like the use of the quote about Tom's tattoo. I think there was much more to it, but did he feel dishonorable? Yes. But there is so much more to it. I did in fact randomly say that during the interview, though.

This Is How IT Happened... It Started Long Before It Ended

This is a work in progress. I will be coming back and editing it along the way, but this is my start point. There are so many more details to add, but this is what I needed to do for me today with me being 4 months out on Friday. This is how it happened. This is my short version, lol... (And I have not yet proof read or edited it, so please bare with me).

I suppose I should start from the beginning, but I'll make the 3 year prelude to the end as short as possible. Tom and I married in 2005 and had our first child the same year. Tom went to Iraq in 2006/2007 and got a TBI (Tramatic Brain Injury) while there from one of the IED's that hit his humvee. When he came home he began to suffer with really bad PTSD. It was a rough deployment for everyone. I have not talked to any of the guys or wives from that deployment that did not come back very different. After I contacted his command, Tom began getting help for his PTSD. There were so many struggles with him internally and within our marriage because of who he came back as. I have said since he came home from that deployment that 'The man I married died in Iraq and I didn't know the man who came back in his place.' We had another baby after a little while after that deployment and did all we could to keep our family together. I won't lie, it was hard.

Tom really wanted into MarSOC, so he acted like he was better. He was not. He went to Afghanistan in 2009 as a replacement for an injured Marine. He left in June and came home in a few days before Thanksgiving. Little did I know that we only had 6 months left. Oh, what I would have done differently. I described him after he came home as 'human' again and I'm afraid that it was this humanness that he could not handle. He felt deeper and harder than before. He was so cold and shut off to the world after Iraq, but his heart had opened back up.

A friend of his died while over there, and I know he felt survivor's guilt as it was originally Tom's name on the list for that convoy. The command needed Nick because of his job and pulled Tom off, but Tom struggled with this. I didn't know the details until after Tom died. All I knew was that it was significantly devestating to him to lose a friend. He finally started seeking help again.

We still had problems in our marriage because I couldn't see that he changed for the better-- at least not for a few months. I still had my wall up from all of the pain before, but the love was always there and that was what kept me holding on.

It took me some time, but I realized who he was and I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the struggle he was facing and it scared me. He had begun the process to get out on Medical Retiement, but it takes too long. He was told 3-7 months. And the day he heard that he told me he didn't have 3 months. He couldn't make it 3 more months. And he turned out to be right. I realized that the man who possesed such an emense amount of self control was losing it rapidly. There were threats of suicide, but it wasn't until he pulled the gun out and put it to his head with the gun cocked that I saw this was spiraling. The second time I called the police. His command got involved. I turned to them and his psychiatrist. Not enough was done within enough time. I feel there were many people who could have done more to help Tom and save his life, but really that is a long and tragic story in itself.

I will bring you to Mother's Day-- the day before he died. What happened that morning doesn't matter right now, but the events of that morning set him off and no matter what happened a swtich was flipped and it became very apparent that this was the end. I knew we were close and I was trying to get him help, but I didn't realize how close it was until that day. I spent the whole day trying to change things and trying to convince him not to take his life. I took 2 guns away from him (which he was not supposed to have). There were 2 other guns that I forgot about (one of which I thought didn't work, so I kind of put it out of my mind) and when he told me not to even try to take those I looked at him and said "There is no way I can stop you from doing this, is there?" He looked back at me and said "No."

A few hours later he told me he wanted to go for a drive. Something that was common when things were upsetting to him. I asked if he was coming back and how long he'd be gone. He said he'd be gone just a few hours. He hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me. He walked out the door and popped his head back inside and told the kids he loved them, too. It seemed odd, but after the day we had and the fact he said he was coming home and that I didn't think he had a gun I just let him go. A few minutes later I got a text that said he loved me and the kids.

I paniced. That was not like Tom at all to mention the kids, too especially after he just told us he loved us.
I started to call and text and ask him to come home. I knew what he left to do. I begged him to come and get me. I told him he shouldn't be alone when he dies. His Mom called me and I knew it was bad since he rarely ever called his parents. I Finally got him to agree to come get me. My friend came over to watch the kids. We went driving around, went to O'Charley's for a quick bite to eat, and eventually I told him he needed to take me home because one of us needed to be alive for our kids. I could tell by his driving that he had taken too many pills. He was all over the place and told me he tried to overdose and waved the gun around saying how that was for in case the pills didn't work.

He said no one cared and no one was listening to him and trying to help him. He was tired and didn't want to hurt anymore. I barely got him to come back in the house with me. I told him that we would pay out of pocket and get him help off base since the doctors on base weren't helping him. He agreed to come in after I said that. That night he told me how much he hated himself and how he'd done what he was meant to do in life-- serve his country and help bring Nathan and Avery into the world. He said that now it was time for him to step back and let another man take over his family. It didn't matter how much I told him we loved him and needed him and how no one could ever take his place. He wasn't hearing it. He was in too much pain.

I knew I had to call his psychologist the next day and that he needed in-patient. I also knew that there was still a gun in his truck. I wasn't sure what to do, but felt that if I didn't try and he killed himself I would never be able to forgive myself, so I made the choice to call. When I called his psychologist I told her about the gun and that he would say and do ANYTHING to get out of her office and if he did he WOULD kill himself!! She said she agreed as they had been talking about suicide for a while. I told her he'd say he needed to go smoke or get fresh air-- anythign to get out. He did ask to go smoke, but it didn't work, so when he saw his chance and a clear shot out the door he took it. He was chased and a group of 6 Marines and Sailors, but they couldn't stop him. He got to the truck and pulled the gun. He drove off and called me. He was crying and hysterical. He told me he pulled a gun on someone and said "I love you and I don't think I'm ever going to see you again." I screamed and told him no and that I loved him, too. I don't know if he heard me. I looked at my phone and saw that he had hung up. Come to find out the MP's were pulling him over at that moment. He got out of the truck and moments later he shot himself.

After his phone call at 1:04PM I called his psychologist and she said he was ok. She said "The MP's secured him and he's on his way to the hospital." I asked how they secured him and if he was shot. She said, "Katie, he's alive. The fact that you told me about the gun saved his life." It didn't settle right with me, but she said "alive." My Mom kept telling me to call or go to the hospital to check. I said I'd wait until the next day. It didn't sit right with her. Maybe I didn't want to know, maybe I wanted to believe our life was FINALLY going to get better because Tom was FINALLY going to ge the help he needed.

At 3:45 an unmarked County Sheriff car pulled into my drive way. It was odd and I walked outside. He had the wrong address and when I came inside and broke down crying. For a moment my heart sank. I thought he was there to tell me something about Tom, even though it didn't make sense. My 4 year old asked why I was crying and I told him I was happy. I thought to mysel, 'Thank you God that he is ok.' It was about 15 minutes later that the doorbell rang. I looked out the window and saw the government vehicle in my drive way. I figured it was just to ask questions about what happened earlier in the day with Tom pulling a gun, but then I opened my door.

I walked outside and closed the door behind me. I knew it was bad. No one shows up in those uniforms unless it's bad. Since we had been through 2 war deployments I had played this moment over in my head-- what would it be like if they knocked on my door. How would I react? I never wanted to find out, but that is what happened. I walked past them and asked if he was dead. The CACO asked if I was Katherine Murray (my maiden name). I said "Is he dead?" He asked again. I said "It's Bagosy" and fell to the ground. The only words I heard on my way down were "We regret to inform you..." I asked how it happened. Did he do it himself? The answer was Yes. But how? She told me he was alive, how did it happen? Why did she tell me he was alive. The Chaplin was sitting on the ground with me and said he didn't know. All my neighbors had rushed over by this point and ran inside to take care of my babies for me. It didn't make sense. It wasn't real. I didn't cry yet. I was in shock. The tears came, oh did they ever, and they still do. They always will. Things in our life were on the road to getting better. How was it that we were on the cusp of getting our life, our family to the place we had struggled for so long and somehow it was all over-- forever?
He couldn't hold on, I know that. It got to be too much for him, but still, I am left with this 'new life' that I don't want to nor do I know how to deal with.

I miss him. Every. Single. Day. I love him with all my heart and wish I could have done things differently. But I am here embarking on this new life, trusting he is watching over our babies and me and guiding us as we face this alone.

Avery's Hurting Too

Ok, so out of nowhere tonight while Avery was in the kitchen she puts her hand on her eye like she was holding back tears and said "I lost my Daddy." She looked so sad, and she has never used those words before. We weren't talking about you or anything and there she is, telling me she lost you. I was on my way to the front door at that moment to call my Mom and she said got up and said "Let's go get him!" I told her that we can't, and for the next 20 minutes or so we talked on and off about you. Mostly she was telling me "I miss Daddy... Daddy's dead... I'm sad..." She kept burrying her face and walking around with her head down. My heart breaks for her and I have to say that it has opened the flood gates for me tonight. It's interesting to me how I can be ok for days and not cry, and then something happens and it's like I make up for it with the amount of tears. I think I'm getting about 1 Big cry in a week and tonight was it for me.

Again, I was thinking of her birthday since I was talking to my Mom about planning her party. I know this sounds horrible, but it would be so much easier to skip her birthday and all the rest of the holidays this year for that matter. Of course I won't even attempt that, but it would make it easier on me. It's those days that are the worst. I think Your birthday was one of the worst for me. Avery's birthday is eating at me. I can not even imagine what Nathan's will do to me. I Hate the thought! I am sure it hurts more for the kids than myself on those special days. I can't take their pain away and I hate to see my babies in pain. I didn't really realize how deeply it was effecting Avery until tonight. My Mom had a theory as to what sparked it and she may be right. But the point is that now I realize that she gets it more than I thought she did.

You know she keeps asking for Pop-pop ALL the time. She misses my Dad so much. I think she gets that he's still around and you're not (as much as she can). I remember how she started calling him 'Daddy' right away, even before anything was mentioned about you not being alive. I also remember the look on my Dad's face the first time I heard her say it. I wasn't bothered by it (and soon after she started callign all females 'Mommy'), but my Dad look so worried about how I'd react. She was 19 months, what can you day? She tells me constantly that she wants to go to "Del-bah-wares" too. I assume it's because Pop-pop and Nathan are there.


Well, today is Labor Day. Not like it's any special holiday, but it is a long weekend for the Marine's and I'm sitting here thinking of this weekend and what I did and who I hung out with and how different it would have been if you were alive. I'm wondering what we would have done this weekend and in the past almost 4 months. Yup, Friday will be 4 months since you died. It's crazy to think like that, but I still just wonder what life would have turn out to be like. I was rocking Avery tonight thinking of that and a lot of other things, too. I obviously miss you, that goes with out say. I'm just glad that life isn't as bad as it could be right now. I didn't expect any good to be in my life this soon after you died, and yet here it is. Life is so imensely bitter-sweet lately.


Love you forever Tom! That is the one thing that will never die. And yes, I saw you the other morning and it was such a peaceful experience. It's comforting to know you are watching out for us. We all love you and miss you, forever!

September Already?

So there is a picture on my blog page that is of you when right before you got on the bus to go hop on your plane to Iraq. It was September 2006-- 4 years ago. You were 22. Even now I will say how that was one of the most difficult days I have ever faced in my life. I was hysterical-- yes I was the wife who could not hold it together. I was so upset that one wife took Nathan out of my arms and another came over to hug and console me. It was your second deployment (first war), and honestly more than I thought I could bare. I was depressed for the first 2 months and went home to Delaware for a while which made it better, at least as much as possible. But that night was horrid. Watching you leave not knowing if I'd ever see you or hold you again? Wow, talk about feeling helpless and terrrified!
The Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" reminds me of that deployment. It was the longest September.

You know that picture is still around and now it's basically been passed on to Avery, though it will always hold a special place with Nathan and I as it has been a staple of our decore since then. I could write a whole blog about that picture alone. Maybe one day, but it's too depressing. I have always seen that picture and felt that you looked like you were saying goodbye, as in goodbye forever. I said that to Jena after you died and she said she could see it, too. I hate looking at it now because of that, because I do feel like it's your goodbye somehow.

September is hard for me now in other ways. Avery will be 2 this month. She will have never had the opportunity to spend a single birthday with her Daddy, as last year you were in Afghanistan. You missed Nathan's first birthday, too, but you sent him a Vermont Teddy Bear, which he has since passed onto Avery to keep her company at night since he has Sam. I'm sure one day he'll want it back. He is such a sweet and loving person and a wonderful big brother. I asked you to send Avery a Vermont Teddy Bear for her first birthday. I thought it would be really nice for her to have one, too. You agreed and sent one. I'm really glad they have those special things to hold on to.

I wish you were here. They need you so much, Tommy. We all do. I hate that there will never be another birthday or holiday without you. I think this time of year is going to be exceptionally dificult this year. Well, ok I already know it will be. Everyone knows that. I just hope I can hold it together for the kids's sake.

You know today Avery was playing with the sheep! Oh man, did that make me smile and then cry. She hasn't played with that thing in forever and there she was and wanting to take it to bed, too. That is one of those funny things that only we would find as amusing as it is. Mmmaaa!!

Miss you,
Katie

August 18th

I don't know why the past couple of weeks I have kept thinking about this date, August 18th, where I was last year and where exactly I'd be this year. I think it's because I found the CD that had "August 18, 2009" written on it. It is filled with the pictures that Beth did last summer of the kids and me. I guess when I came across it I started to think about where I was in my life last year on that day and how much life has changed.

Here's a huge look into my personal life and where this past year has brought me. As of August 7th last year we decided to get a divorce. I was finally done with the back and forth dance we had been playing and when you said divorce (over something so stupid) I said fine. I didn't fight. I was done. I get that you were in the middle of a war and couldn't deal with anything even the dumb little thing that sparked it all, but I was so ready to give up. I thought that was it, but a few weeks later you told me how half of your life was miserable and the other half was over and didn't matter without me. The conversations we had made me terrified that you would follow through with your threats to never come home from Afghanistan. I promised you anything and everything and told you how much I loved you and couldn't live without you. I never lied about how much I loved you, I still do, and always will. The love wasn't the problem-- it was everything else.

Well, anyway, back to August 18th. Beth came to my Mom's house and set things up to take the photos. Avery LOVED the camera and posed which was hilarious since she was 11 months old. Nathan was a different story. He did Not want to take pictures. Beth told him that it was a trick they were playing on me and he finally cooperated with taking them. They turned out so darn cute! I hadn't planned on being in the pictures, but I went ahead and did a few. I remember thinking that was how it would be from then on-- just me and the kids taking "family" pictures. It just didn't feel right. it was so sad. We had never had a family picture done of all 4 of us.

Then like I said, you took back wanting a divorce and we decided to work things out. It was a struggle for me from then on, not because I wasn't sure if I loved you (though sometimes I tried to convince myself that I didn't), but because I could feel something bad was coming and I just couldn't shake that feeling. I was trying to protect and prepare myself for whatever was coming, though nothing could have prepared me for this reality. You came home and you were so much different-- better, human again. Things changed and I don't want to go through it all right now, but it didn't turn out the way I thought, hoped, or planned. Life happened. It was somewhat unexpected. For others I'm sure it was completely unexpected, but they didn't live with you. They didn't know you on the level I did. Still, I always thought 'He won't ACTUALLY do it. He would Never go THAT far.' I didn't want to believe it, though I've always known that possibility with you.

So anyway, 3 months ago you died, 6 weeks ago yesterday we burried you. Everyone said that closure woudn't being until after your burial. I get that now. And now? Now life has just totally thrown me for another tail spin, but this time I don't feel trapped in the rip current. I feel like somehow I'm about to ride the wave (not quite there yet, though). Today our son and I had a great day together having some much needed and over due "You and Me Time" as we call it. We went to Chuch E Cheese, got lunch from Red Robin and brought it home to put his new lego set together. (Oh by the way, Thomas, we eat in the living room now-- yes OCD Katie totally allows that AND shoes on the carpet, too-- for now). We had such a good day, though he started to ask some hard questions that broke my heart to answer. I love that little boy more than Anything and it kills me to know that he has ever felt a moment of pain in his beautiful little life. I wish I could wrap him in my arms and sheild him from everything bad in this world. I wish that he truly knew just how much I love him and that was all he needed in life to take away his pain. Wouldn't that be nice?If love could totally erase pain. How much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

I just sit here tonight and think about how different my life has become in the past year. All the different people who are in it right now versus last year. The direction that I thought my life was taking on this day last year and how vastly wrong I was. I couldn't even begin to tell you where it is headed now. I have given up on trying to figure out my future, well ok to some extent. I mean I have plans, but I know that any moment can come along and totally blow those plans out of the water. So I'm just living. I am one of those people who needs to feel in control of their own life, but I'm kind of ok with not trying to control everything in my life (or at least I'm learning).

Right now I have several paths in front of me. Different adventures that I am embarking on. I am here waiting, really. I mean I see certain things that I want and directions that I'd like my life to take, but I'm not going out of my way to try to figure out what will or should happen. I just assume that it will all play out and I just need to be patient and see what God has in store for my life. I suppose I'm trying to approach life a little differently these days seeing as though it didn't always go so well the other way.

Eat Pray Love

I went to see "Eat Pray Love" last night and it has the wheels in my mind turning even more than before. Since you died, Tom, I have just wanted to pack up and move away, start over somewhere and not tell anyone where I am. Yup. That is what I want to do. Problem is the kids. I do not have the option to just run and hide from all of the world. It sucks! It's not even that I want to hide form the world, I just want to experience the world. I want to live it in a totally different way.

Italy. That was the first place she went on her trip. It's the place I've been talking about going since the beginning. I am just consumed with the thought. I have contemplated going on my own, but since I don't know the language I have advised myself against it. So it's obviously not just like the movie, but I still just want to go so desperately. I can go somewhere else on my own where I can understand them. So, then it comes down to who will go with me and when. That is the next thing I am figuring out. A friend told me to wait until the spring and then they'd be able to go. But do I wait? Really, I'm not sure. I don't really want to wait that long for Italy and it's not a guarantee anyway. Part of me thinks 'Just Go, Katie! Just go on your own.' I am a big girl. I can handle it. But I do think it would be more exciting to go with another person. So...

Then where do I go now? I need to get away. Away from Jacksonville. Away from North Carolina. I need to go. Ok, I am feeling brave so I am going to share my secret here and make it so public that I can no longer hold this excuse to anyone. I don't want to be here, BUT I am so tired of people telling me to go back home to Delaware that I have used this house as my crutch for not leaving. Truth be told, I would have to rent it out and I have no desire to do that Or I could sell it and lose several thousands of dollars, which by-the-way I am Not Ok with. So, what are my options? I have too many to choose from right now, which means that I will just stay put for the time being until something tells me "it's time to move." I am ready for a sign, but I don't think there is one on its way just yet.

I told someone last night that my plan is to be here for 2 years because that is when the house won't cost me money and when I should be done my Master's and getting a job. I know that 2 years is a very long time and hopefully something will get me to where I need to be before that. But it's nice to have options and not have to decide right now. I can basically do anything I want really, which is funny since I talk all the time about how much I hate having to make decisions (then again I don't actually Have to, I just Can). I want out of this house though, for several reasons. I suppose that is why I just want to travel so much right now. Little trips, big trips, it doesn't matter.

Mike and I decided that we need to sit down and have a talk and I offered to drive up there just for that. I mean really, what is 8 hours right now? No big deal. I'll go for a day or 2. Not much else to do with my life right now? Well, after that little trip, then what? I want to do something and go somewhere Big! Even if it's Florida to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (Haha Rachel!). You know I've never been to Florida. We were supposed to do that this summer (Thanks, Tom. Ha-ha?). I just feel like I need to be on the move for a while. I'd love to take Nathan and do something fun with him like that, but I don't think I have enough time to plan it before school starts. I am taking the kids to Midevil Times soon. Nathan still talks about going there (your Mom mentioned that, too). And yes, I said KIDS. I am super duper crazy, but I have no one to watch Avery and I told Nathan we'd go and really I think it's something he needs. He doesn't think we (him, Avery, and I) are a family without you and that breaks my heart. He doesn't think we can do all the fun things anymore, so I want to take him somewhere that we had good memories from and show him that we are a family and we can still have fun. I want to bring him somewhere that we have already been to create additional memories in a new way.

I want to do things with Nathan, but I want to do things on my own right now too. I have no idea what the next year will bring-- I don't even know what the next week will bring, but I don't want to pass anything up. If it matters, I must do it. And right now there are a lot of things that matter to me. Now, if I could just figure out which ones to do first, lol. Maybe I have so many things to do and places I want to visit because I can't get out of this town "forever" right now, but I really just need to escape. I think there is more to it, though.

I need to find me. I know that sounds selfish since I have 2 amazing kids, and I want and will be here for them the best I can, but if anyone knows what the past few years have been like for me, I think they'd understand that where I am at is not where I should be. I should've done things different, but here we are. I pretty much know who I am and what I want, I just have a little missing link on how to get there. That is the part I need to figure out before I can end this selfish phase I am in. I am enjoying the sense of freedom I have, but there really is some Thing that is missing still. And while I search for it I am going to live this life and enjoy all the good it brings to me. I have so much good to give back and want to share it all with everyone, I just am so thankful that right now I have some of it for myself.

Rocking Chairs

Tommy,

Well tonight I spent some times sitting on our porch in the rocking chairs that I Finally bought the other day. That was one thing I said I Really wanted when we moved in here and you agreed. It was lonely a little and sad. I haven't been crying a whole lot lately, but I did while I was out there. I kept thinking about what it would be like to have you sitting there next to me. What would we talk about? Would you actually sit there and have a deep conversation about life, us, the kids, anything? Would you sit there and appreciate the stars with me? Would we just sit there in silence and enjoy each others company?

I keep picturing you in Savannah sitting on the balcony at the B&B we stayed in. You had your plaid shirt on, feet up, and smoking a cigarette. I guess that is how I picture you here (and with a beer in your hand of course, lol). I keep wondering about all the what-ifs and should-be's. I wanted to look over next to me and see your face. I wanted to turn to you and ask you for your opinion. I need your advice on something (well, lots of things, but tonight specifically one thing). Probably on something that seems ridiculous in many ways, but none-the-less You are the one person whose opinion would matter most on this issue. I wish it was like you could still send me messages somehow and tell me what is going on, what I'm missing, what I should be doing, which direction I am supposed to go in, etc. I did ask for a sign and sorta got one, but I'm not convinced. Can I have another one, lol?

I looked over at your vehicles while I was sitting there and tonight it was hard to look at them. I've been so mad and frustrated with you. I want to know where the vehicle titles are so I can get things taken care of much easier. I spent the whole day trying to get things done and I am not much closer. I just want to call you and ask you where things are. I want to call you and just hear your voice. I want to talk to you and most importantly, I want to put my arms around you. I miss your hugs. Somehow I'd get lost in them and I could stay like that forever. I miss how safe I felt in your arms. How the rest of the world would disappear when we were together and it was just us.

I just really miss you tonight and want you with me. I wanted to sit out there on our porch, at our house, and know what that was like. There are so many things that 'I just wish I knew' what it would be like. Would the little moments in life turn out to be as great as I imagine them to be in my head or would they fall short? I guess it doesn't matter because I'll never know. But tonight... I just wish...

I love you and miss you!
Katie

3 Months Out

Today marks 3 months. It was a Monday (yesterday was Monday) that you died, but it was May 10th and today is August 10th. It's strange to think about everything that has happened in the past 3 months. It's gone by fairly quickly. I used to sit there and torture myself reliving the moments that my CACO and the Chaplin showed up, but now I really try not to. I'm sure I'll be reliving it again today. I did a little yesterday, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it. I haven't had a good cry in probably over a week. Maybe I'll allow that for myself today.

I have decided that I am going to pack up a lot of your stuff. I wanted to do that from the very beginning, but didn't do it for the kids (mostly Nathan). Since he's not here right now I think I'll go ahead and do it. For me it's easier to not look everywhere I turn and see memories of you.
I want to keep your memory alive for the kids-- especially Nathan. But with Avery, I hate to say this, I think it may be better for her not to focus on you. She is so young and doesn't understand. It's not that I don't want her to remember you, I really do, but she is so confused. I told her the other day that Nathan was going to be here next week and she said "And Daddy!" She talks about you not being home and that you are outside. I'm not sure why she keeps thinking you are outside, someone said it's because she saw you walk outside that day and you never came back, so that is where she thinks you are. She is always talking to you and dancing for you. The big picture of you from the MarSOC memorial is on the floor against the wall for her to see and she is always over there talking to and about Daddy. It's so bitter sweet, I just don't know what is best for her. I talk about you a lot with her, too and I just don't want her confused and always asking for you. It's not like I'm going to erase you from our house or our lives or our memories, I just don't think it's healthy to keep things like you are still here and coming home any day.

So back to it being 3 months today. I have come a long way in the past 3 months. I mean really, from wishing and praying for God to take my life to where I am today is a huge difference. To tell you the truth, I am surprised at how well I am doing. I didn't think I'd be in 'this' place for a much, much longer time. I still miss you all the time and wish you were here, but I have found happiness in several areas in my life. I've been thinking about what I was doing on June 10th and really I can't tell you. I remember thinking about how "I can't believe it's been 1 month already," but I don't remember the events of the day. I wish I could, but I don't remember a lot in the first 6 weeks. I probably only have about 10 distinctive memories. Month 2 is a different story. I remember that day pretty well. And today, well who knows what today will bring and if I'll remember it next month. (Side note: as I'm writing this Avery is again talking to your picture and blowing kisses).

Well, I guess we'll see what today brings. I have to say that there is a bit of a heaviness today. I love you Tom. No matter what we went through, I can't help but love you forever. You were my first love, the father of our wonderful children, my husband. It's very odd to think about you being dead for 3 months and how I'll never see your beautiful face again. It's really sad and the tears have started. Rest in peace my love.

Your wife,
Katie

Just Processing Some Things

Dear Tommy,

I guess tonight I just want to share with you about the day I had. One of the guys from your unit came over for a little bit to do the whole "check in" on me thing, see how I was, and just catch up a little. It was a good conversation. I actually laughed quite a lot. It was good to talk about you with someone who knew you and worked with you. Avery really took to him. Not that I'm surprised since he was good with her. Nathan liked him a few years back when he met him, too. He remarked about how the last time we saw each other I was in a very differnt place in life and how surprised he was to see how well I'm doing at this stage in my life. I don't know if many people would call me a "positive person" (at least not about my own life), but he picked up on how positive I am right now. That meant a lot to me. I'm trying to put myself in a better place and I'm glad that it's working (to at least some degree).

After he left I went to check the mail. I had a card from someone I met at a new church I went to last week. It was very touching and just what I needed to hear right now. Part of it read: "If I have learned one thing in my life it's that God has a way of bringing people into relationships with one another during some of the most troubling and difficult times of our lives. Often these friendships are only for a season, and sometimes for only one reason. Often times they may lead to lasting friendships and relationships for a lifetime." I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I know you know that because I've talked to you about it.

There are just so many new people in my life right now. I know that some are here to stay and some are here for a short little while, but they are being deeply impactful none-the-less. I think everything happens for a reason. I have always had that mentality. Things don't always happen for the best, but something positive comes out of everything if you allow it and look for it. I would give anything to have you back, that is obvious, but I am just so thankful for the opportunites that have been presented to me. I do not want to miss out on anything that is put in front of me right now. I'm looking forward to starting my Master's and I'm looking forward to December for several reasons. I'm looking forward to making a difference and hopefully one day getting the chance to stand in front of Congress and address the concerns that need to be heard. I don't feel hopeless right now. I do have some reservations, though.

I have had several people say that I think I am ready for things that I really am not ready for. Maybe they are right. Maybe they are wrong. I am ready to take those chances, though and jump in with both feet and see where I land. That is where I am at tonight, looking at my future and evaluating the roads that lay ahead of me. That is the future I see for myself-- not one full of missed opportunities and regrets, but one where I can look back and say that even if things didn't go the way I planned, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. There are a couple of things I referring to specifically, which I know you know about. Tom, I wish I could get your honest opinion on these things such as which I should go for and which will only backfire. But then that takes the excitement out of figuring it out myself and learning the more profound life lessons. Either way I want the chance to live and see what happens. I want to take those off-the-wall chances that I would have never done before because I didn't truly understand just how short life is. I didn't know how many things one person could regret. I don't want anymore regrets.

The guy from your unit and I talked about that today. He said how he never passes on an opportunity (Ok, the context is totally not the same, but the principal is). I know I have held myself back in so many ways in the past and I am tired of doing it. When it came to differnt things in my past I was afraid to fail, so I wouldn't risk it. Why? Then I have to live looking back and wondering "What if...?" That is not the life I want for me and it's not the way I want to raise our children. I want them to learn that you can give all you have to anything or anyone and you may get nothing back. You may fall, get hurt-- physically or emotionally, fail, win, succeed and triumph, but it doesn't matter because the truth is that unless you make the attempt, unless you put yourself out there, unless you put in more than you think you have, you will never be totally satisfied with yourself. Others may view you one way, but what matters most is how you view yourself. If you know you can give more, but don't then I believe you can not totally accomplish anything.

There is nothing in this world to be afraid of as long I know that I did everything I could do and was always true to who I am. If I fail, I will still succeed in learning something great to have for my future.

Ok, so I'm not sure where all that just came from, but I just started to ramble (surprise, surprise) after the conversations I had today/ tonight. It's just me processing it all, but I believe every last bit of it and will claim it as my truth.

Love,
Katie

FOREVER YOUNG

Dear Tommy,
In a few hours it will be July 24th-- your birthday. You would have been 26, but I sit here right now and think about how you will forever remain 25. You will never get older and watch our children grow into teens and adults. You will never retire and travel around the world with me like we planned.

I sit here and think back to May 9th, Mother's Day. Jena came over tonight and we were talking about that night. I have said before and will say again just how grateful I am to her for giving me one last night with you. I paid close attention to the songs on the radio as we drove around together for the last time. I remembered them all because I knew that you wouldn't be with me much longer and I wanted to have memories of everything that I could hold onto from that last night. Some of them were just normal songs and some of them really struck me as significant. One of those was Jay-Z's version of "Forever Young" and I tired not to cry then and there thinking in that moment that you would always be Forever Young.

I am sobbing at the moment trying to push that pain away. I have found a way to do that lately, but thinking about you and your birthday right now is making it impossible. To think of that night and the following day rips at my soul. If I had done a little more, tried a little harder, if somehow I could change things even now, then you would be here with me tonight and we would be celebrating your birthday tomorrow. The kids aren't with me, but I will be sending you balloons and a note just like we did before and will do every time we want to talk to you. It's probably better without Nathan here tomorrow because I don't know if I could handle this first birthday day while watching your mini-me running around.

I think I'm going to stop by Arlington to see you on Sunday. I miss you so, so much. I love you, Tommy. No matter what my heart is always yours.

Happy Birthday My Love!

Your Wife,
Katie

Learning...

As per Mike's request... Paragraphs, lol ...

It's strange how some days you feel fine and other days, well... your heart just feels like it's ripping out of your chest all over again. Yesterday was one of those days. It started out great: went to the gym, did some more organizing around the house, relaxed a little, but then... I guess my good day came crashing down for a while.

First of all I started to Finally watch the rest of the Big Love episodes that have been sitting here for 2 months. I thought I could do it. I've been happy lately (yes I did use that word correctly-- happy), so I didn't think anything would bring me down, not even this (note: see blog titled "Big Love" for significance) But no, that was not the case. I got anxious and had to turn it off. I cried a little and then went to check my mail. What did I find? First was some more death certificates. Really? Do I need more of those? Well, Apparently. But that just made me lose it. I also had a card in the mail from my cousin. It was a really sweet card to show me her support and love. Her words were sincere. It made me cry even more. She was very encouraging. As I read it I actually believed I was the woman she described me to be. I hope I am that woman-- the "strong, beautiful, and courageous woman"... "despite the pain and grief." I am trying to be strong.

At first strong was the word that angered me the most, but now I try to embrace it. I have been through some hard things in life just as we all have. I have made it out and keep on pushing. Strong is a word that I try to live by-- that I am choosing to live by. But it still made me sad to think that I have to be strong because of the circumstances I am in. I am working on getting myself past this part and I am on my way. I am becoming a stronger person, but I am not there yet. I still get weak and weary almost daily.

After I read the card I turned on the TV and started watching Family Guy. Of all the shows in the world, I would think that this and That 70's Show would make me cry the most. But no, somehow it was comforting. I felt like Tom was there with me for a little while. He used to quote Family Guy AT LEAST twice a day. And if he ever quoted something I wasn't sure of, my first guess would be Family Guy and I was almost guaranteed to be right. The two episodes that were on were perfectly picked for me. I laughed and talked to Tom about it just as if he was here with me. It was in a way very unsettling, though. Here I am in the flesh and I'm holding a conversation with my husband whom I can't see or hear, but just feel his presence sometimes. (And let me note that "conversation" is probably the wrong term because it was obviously one sided). He made me smile for a little while. I really felt like we were there together; it was so nice.
...I got it Tom, I really got it. The message that you sent with the second episode, I know what you were trying to say. The song. I got it. Thank you, because it meant a lot to me...

Some days are harder than others, I am very well aware of this. I am having more better days than bad days lately and I am so thankful for that. I'll take what I can get while I can get it. Nothing is lasting in this life. Sometimes that is a sad thing, and other times its that hope that "this too shall pass" that gets us through. I am good with where my life is right now. I feel like I'm just living. I don't have to plan or worry or make huge decisions. I can enjoy myself and all that surrounds me.

I am learning more and more about who I am again and what I want in life. I love when something jumps out and just gives me the wisdom I need to hear. It's happened twice today. The first was quote that one of Tom's friend's Mom posted on facebook that I re-posted myself. It said, “If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart. Then in living - I have made my mark.” T.Odem. I would like to believe that I have been that significant in other people's lives from time to time, leaving my mark in a positive way on the world.

The other piece of wisdom I got today was from Big Love... Yes today I can handle it with no tears, go figure. You really never know what or when something will set you off... Anyway, it's nothing too deep, but it kind of goes with a conversation I just recently had with someone who asked me what I want out of life. Well, Margene was talking to a woman and said, "Something like this doesn't happen very often. When you meet someone who makes you feel like a better person, someone who makes you realize that you can be more than who you are. If you ask me, that's love. Sometimes you have to fight for it." I agree that things like that don't happen often, but it's nice when they do. I know exactly what I want from life and this is one of the greater things I am hoping for one day. I'd love to say that I will find everything I want in life-- or maybe better yet, that it will somehow find me. I do not know what life has in store, but I am excited to see where I am in the next 6 months, in the next year. I feel like this "journey" I have been on is going to become an adventure. That in itself is exciting.

A Better Place

I think God puts people in our lives for a reason. I always have. I think every opportunity to meet someone new or spend time with someone you already know is a chance to learn and grow. Sometimes we don't understand why we meet people and in reality, I don't think we are always supposed to. I think that when we have the privilege to see the results and effects that others have in our lives we are very blessed.
I have contemplated the lessons I have learned from people in my past on multiple occasions. Sometimes I revisit those thoughts and see if there is anything new I can take away from experiences based on where I am "now" in life.

Why am I talking about all this? Well, because I have met a lot of new people in the past two months that I would have never met if May 10th had turned out differently. I have had conversations with some of those new people who said that there are positive things to happen from every situation. I know a few other people have said it, also, but this was a totally unbiased opinion that wasn't directed At Me or Us or Our Life, but made in general.

Today I am happy to be alive. I haven't felt that way in 2 months, but I am. Last week after the burial I started slowly on this new path, but I feel that I am in full swing right now. I am glad that I am still here and I want to live and be happy and enjoy life. I can't control everything, right? But it's what I do with what I am given. The whole 90/10 rule and all. So, it's what I do with the rest that is going to matter as I start to move forward.

I love when I meet people and realize their significance in my life. They may not know it and our chance meetings may not have anything to do with them (or with me for that matter), but it's awesome to see it. It's awesome to see how God places certain people in our lives at just the right moments, whether it be for one conversation or many, there is a reason and a lesson to be learned. There are 2 people I have met recently who have given me some greatness within this darkness I have been living. They are 2 people who are very different and have played different roles in my life, but both significant in their own way. I feel awake and ready to face to the world. I don't want to hide away anymore. I want to embrace life and all the good it has to offer.

I am looking forward to my future right now. I am shocked that I have that feeling right now. I know it could all change and I will have my bad days, and weeks, but as I was reminded last night, happiness is contagious. I want to be happy, I want others around me to be happy. I want to have fun and enjoy life. It was asked of me yesterday at an appointment I had if I have ever been this free. I thought about it and said no. I am and it feels so good. I know that "freedom" is only temporary, as my responsibilities are still here waiting, but it's nice to have a much needed break. I am trying to look for the positives in life and I have found a few, even though I feel horribly guilty to even think that way, I do think of the good that is my life right now. I feel so blessed to be out of that horrid darkness I was in. I know it'll come back, but I'm good right now. Even after the upsetting (to say the least) incident in the truck yesterday, I am feeling good. I am trying to move forward. I know that it will be a long process and my love will always be there and the pain will always be there, but I need to be in a better place than I was just a few short weeks ago. I want to live life like it's an adventure. I talked with someone today who mentioned the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. Most of the time we don't want to or don't' feel we are able to live that way, but that is exactly how I feel I want to live. I want to take those trips we talked about. I want to take the trips that "I" wanted to go on. I want to go places and do and see things that would be fulfilling to me.


I love you Tom, and I know you are always with me. I know that you are telling me to live and that is what I not only have to do, but what I want to do. I hope you stay with me as I begin this new adventure in life. I hope you are happy for me and that I make you proud. I hope that you are shining down on me and I will be thinking of you and carrying you with me every step of the way.

No Section 60

Dear Tommy,
We laid your body to rest the other day. You are not where I wanted you. I suppose that is because you died here in the states and not in Iraq or Afghanistan. I guess that means that you don't rate to be in Section 60 with all of the other Fallen Heroes who died serving our country on foreign soil. They absolutely deserve to have a special section dedicated just to them. They deserve to be remembered for the sacrifice they and their families paid for this country of ours. I do not take any of that away from them. I think it's an honor to be at Arlington to begin with, and even more so there in Section 60.
But, Tom, those two wars Did take your life. No, not in the same way, and maybe the families of the men who died IN war would disagree with me and say that while you deserve to be in Arlington, you do not deserve to be there with their loved ones. I think you do! I know that suicide has such a stigma and you "chose" to die while they did not, but you didn't want to die. I know that. I know better than anyone how much you wanted to live. I know that you came home from Afghanistan wanting our lives to be happy. We were making lots of plans for this summer and for our future. People who really want to die do not make plans. But you were suffering for 3 years with the wounds that war caused. I know it's not the same to most people, but when you live it for 3 years and watch as the man you married and love slowly slips away, you know it, you understand that it WAS indeed war that took your husband. It WAS war that took you from us, Tommy. You wouldn't have been struggling for so long if you had never joined the Marine Corps or gone to war, but you did. That is what you wanted to do and while sometimes I hated it and wanted out of the military life, and while sometimes I didn't support your decision to re-enlist, I eventually did. I supported you and stood by you through some extremely hard times. I watched what war did to you and to our family. It wasn't pretty and I'm sorry, but I am pissed that you aren't in Section 60.
I told that to Bailey on the way to the airport yesterday and to paraphrase him, he said that you are in good company and that he would be fine being where you are, that it is an honor to be there at all and it doesn't matter where exactly you are. I feel better with him saying that, but not totally. Maybe not really at all. Maybe it wouldn't matter to you, Tommy, but it matters to me. I matters a great deal to me.
It was because of those 2 wars that you fought in that you took your own life and destroyed mine and our kids right along with it. I want people to walk past your grave and remember that you are a casualty of these wars. You gave your life for this country. It's because of your service that I am alone tonight, that our children are fatherless. I want people to know and honor you in the way you deserve. You were a wounded warrior just as much as someone who lost a limb. I know you didn't see it that way. That is why you turned down going to the Wounded Warrior Battalion when given the chance. I am mad and I feel I have every right to be. I am so tempted to pay and have you moved out of Arlington all together. I am sure that I will calm down enough not to go through with it, but that is how I feel. You gave your life for this country just as much as anyone else over there. I want that recognition and honor for you. If you had never joined the Marine Corps, if you had never gone to war, you would be here now. What is the difference? You were hit with multiple IED's in Iraq and thank God you lived through them, but you were still effected by them and everything else over there. You got a TBI from one of the IED's which played a major role in the change in you once you were home. It got to you. Maybe the war didn't kill you immediately, but it still killed you and Section 60 is where you belong.
With Love, Honor, and Respect,
Katie

Small World (Town)

Dear Tommy,

Ok, so of all the guys that came up to me tonight that asked me to dance and I said no to, one of them and I started a conversation. He said I looked lonely and you could tell that unlike the rest of the guys he was just asking to dance to have fun and be nice, not hit on me. So I started talking to him and about a minute into the conversation when I mentioned that you commited suicide, he asked where and I told him. He said he was there! We went outside while he smoked and I asked him what happened. I have thankfully been walked through your last hours, Tom, by those that were there earlier in the day (I am very thankfull that everyone was so willing to do that for me), but I wasn't walked through by those in your last minutes. This guy was nice, but wasn't RIGHT there. He did witness it, though and answered what he could. It was really nice to be able to have an actual picture of what happened. This town is so small and I have heard "through the grape vine" about what happened and have several different versions. This one was a first hand account and it was great to be able to have that perspective. I did have to leave very soon after that because I was ready to be alone and honestly, it totally sobered me up (not that I was that wasted to begin with). I wish I could talk to everyone there that day, but it is good just to hear some people's versions of "it." Thank you, Tommy, because I think I was meant to talk to him tonight. He was the only one I tried to strkie up a conversation with (because I knew he wasn't trying anything). I think you knew that and you knew that I've been Needing some of those answers.

I miss you and love you. Thank you for helping put my mind at rest in some small way. I still have questions, but that really helped.

Love always,
Katie

Things On My Mind

Dear Tommy,

Something has been bothering me lately. I think in the past few days since it's just been Avery and me I have had time to sit there and talk to her and focus on "her" not "the kids," which has allowed me to change some of my wording. For example, I say, "Do you want to be like Mommy and sit at the table like a big girl?" And things of that nature. Then it hit me. She has me, her Mom, her role model, a female to emulate and learn from. Nathan, doesn't have that person anymore. I know I've talked about how he wants a Daddy and he needs that male father figure, but it just struck me that, she has that person in her life and he doesn't. What he learns from me will be based on the female perspective. So who's going to teach him the day to day male things? The things that can't be learned from me or a woman in general? Yeah ok, a female who knows how to change her oil could teach him that, so could our male neighbor, but it's not the same as when it comes from "Dad." It's pretty sad. Even when were up at my Mom's house he wanted to know why we were all girls and he was the only boy there. He needs that, Tom. I've been telling you for a long time that he needs you and you were doing so well with him. And you had so many more plans for the summer with him. It's sad that now he doesn't have that. Thankfully Avery does, but I don't want Nathan to feel left out.

Ok, next on my mind... Avery is so funny. She is just like you and she will Not drink the end of her drinks! Rarely she will (only if she's super tired), but she tells me it's empty and doesn't want it!


Ok, so there is an opportunity to go to Savannah with some other military widows and I'm debating on if I should go or not. If it was anywhere else I'm sure I'd jump at the chance and if it was with YOU I'd also jump at the chance. That was the place we ever got to go away to, just you and me. It was fun. Remember the tornado siren? LOL! Ok, so I'm still laughing about you. Oh and the food was to die for! Everything except Paula Deen's restaurant. That was very disappointing and over priced. But everything else was great! The B&B was great and the owner was awesome. She kept giving you a hard time because you were a picky eater. She was so funny and really nice. We didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and we said we would go back. It was so nice getting to have that time with you. I'm so glad we had that trip. BUT now I can go back. I can go and maybe do the few things we didn't get done on our first trip. But if I do that then will I really be able to handle it? Will I really enjoy it or will I be stuck crying ever 10 minutes things "When Tom and I were here..." Oh, Tommy, I have that picture of you at the cemetery there and it still haunts me. For some reason it always has. It's crazy, but as much as I love it, it also is kind of eery to me and has been since I saw it. I'm sure no one else would think like that, but it's just one of those things.
So, back to whether or not I go... What do you think, Tom? Should I go back without you? I know if I do go back and break down crying they would all understand and be supportive, but I don't want to be a downer and I don't know if I'd actually do well with everything. It's something to think about. Let me know what you think... Oh... yeah...

I love you!
Love,
Katie

Thanks for the Visit, Tom

Dear Tommy,

Thanks for the visit. It was bitter-sweet. I was dreaming about you, but it felt SO real and caught me off guard. I thought you were still alive and said something about it, but then I realized or you told me that you weren't. I remember saying it; "You're alive!" And then it hit me. And it hurt. I don't remember the whole dream, which is disappointing. I do remember that like most of my dreams with you in them, you were getting ready to deploy and I kept trying to get you to stay. This one was a little different type of deployment though, but I can't remember it exactly. There was something about Nathan in it, too. I hope it all comes to me during the day. I want so desperately to remember every detail about it all. I know that you came to visit me and said you couldn't stay for long. You always tell me that you can't stay for long. I wish it was forever, but I'll take anything that I can get. Every moment with you is so precious and a little gift that I can keep in my heart and my memory. I kept thinking during this dream that I would remember it so well since it was so real. I keep trying to figure out where we were driving to. I Think we were looking for Nathan so you could see him.
It was strange because I "woke up" or at least became aware of everything because when I found out you really weren't alive it was that dose of reality that forced disappointment on me and made me hold on tighter to you and the time we had. At the same time the rain was pounding on the roof. Rain never wakes me up, but it was so loud that I thought that it was raining inside the house, but I wouldn't let that take me away from you and our time together. I was operating on both the conscious and unconscious levels at the same time. It was so nice to see you like that. I wish that we weren't always getting ready for another deployment and getting ready to leave me, but I guess that's my way of knowing that I have to let you go because you are not mine to keep here with me forever now. We will be together forever one day. I look forward to it, Tom because I love you and miss you more than words or tears could ever express. Thank you for spending that time with me. I needed it.

Love you always,
Your wife,
Katie

Our Little Girl

Dear Tommy,
I'm not going to talk about Nathan tonight for one because he's not here and for two because I'd cry more if I'm talking about both of our kids. But our little girl... is getting so big! You already know how smart she is because you were here when she was 18 months and started talking in 4 word sentences. You saw how fast she picked up on things and well she learns (sometimes the wrong things). She's amazing. Oh, but she is getting to that point where she wants to test me and put me in my place and assert herself. Don't worry, I will not let her get away with the things Nathan used to get away with. She was saying something today and I repeated it and she told me "Stop copying me!" She's actually done so many funny things today that I can't even remember. Last night was too funny. We were at my new friend's house and everything I'd say Avery said, like usual. But then I said, "I love you" and she started waving and said "Goodbye!" Maybe it's one of those things you had to be there for, but we were laughing pretty hard at her. She is so independent and fearless, Tom. She jumps on the couch and climbs and thinks nothing of it. I'm trying to break her of that. We don't need 2 of them, but we do know where she got it from.
I was crying several times today and most of the time she'll say "Mommy crying?" And then at one point she asked, "What's wrong?" I told her the truth. I said, 'Daddy is dead and I miss him.' She doesn't know what that means, but sooner than later she will. She'll be asking all sorts of questions about you. The most important ones will be "Where's my Daddy? Why did he die?" And someday she'll know. Ok, this post is about her to you, so let me tell you about her and the things she's doing.
Her hair is long enough that I can really pull it back into a pony tail. I know you did it once, but it didn't work well. You've been asking me since last year when her hair was going to grow and be long and girly. It started to before you died, but it's really grown since then. It's like all of a sudden it's the way you wanted to see it. Thinking about that makes me sad. You can't see it, but you should. You should be the one who is here doing her hair. I'll never forget when I took Nathan to the park a few months ago (maybe more than a few at this point) and you text me "I did Avery's hair." I was so excited to come home and see what you did. There were clips all in it. She was laughing and having a good time. She looked funny in a really cute way. She would never take her hair out when Daddy did it, but Mommy? It would never stay in! She was constantly pulling her clips out. That drove me crazy! I used to make you do her hair a lot for that reason. And let's be honest, you were better at it then me except for when it came to the hair ties because you couldn't figure them out. It was funny to watch. I wish you were still here to do her hair.
I put her in that one set of footie pajamas tonight and she could actually walk around in them with no problem, which tells me that she has grown a lot in the past couple of months. She would always come up to you, put her foot out in your face and say "Fix, fix" because they were too big and she hated when her foot didn't stay in the footie part. She has this attitude now. I mean even more than before! She thinks she owns the world. And her screeching? Well, let's just say that people still comment on it, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be! They have No idea!
She loves you and misses you so much. I'm so sad that her Nathan don't get to grow up with you. I am so sad that I don't get to raise our children with you, but I have to do it alone. We talked about things that we would tell our kids and things we wouldn't, but their are some conversations that just come better from Dad than from Mom.
We sang "Pants on the ground" today, but her dance is no where near as funny when you would do it. I think I have that on video. I should really look into that. I wish I had more pictures of you with Avery (and you in general). I've never been good at that. I'm sure I'll remember some of her funny antics later and just come back and add them in.
Love you always,
Katie

Dread

Dear Tommy,
I feel the dread slowly creeping in. I feel it even though I had such a good night tonight. It was maybe the best night I've had since you died, Tom. I had dinner and wine with a new friend and we laughed and talked and I felt normal. Even though I gave her the Cliff's Notes version of 'Tommy & Katie' it wasn't hard or sad for me. It was almost normal. Maybe because I've told this story so many times that I feel almost detached to it. Maybe she's just one of those easy people to talk to. I did (like usual) seem to have a hard time collecting my thoughts at times, but she didn't seem to mind. I felt like it was just a long over due Girls Night that I haven't done in a while. I didn't feel sad even when I was talking about you. It was easy for some reason. She's a really great person and I think you'd actually like her and be good with me hanging out with her. It was so nice to laugh and talk about normal stuff. I didn't feel like I had to pretend tonight. I wasn't pretending to be happy or have a good time, I actually was happy for a little while. It felt so good to laugh. It felt so good to feel "normal" again.
Then I drove home. There were several songs that you played for me tonight. I love when you send me a song and even more so when I get multiple songs so I really know it's from you. It was a nice drive home "with you" tonight. But my mind had forgotten all about the nice dinner and company and conversation I had tonight. My mind wandered back to you and the fact that next week I am headed up North for a very difficult time in this life. The dread is creeping in and right now it's over-shadowing the good.
It doesn't seem right, you know? That I'm doing this. That I'm doing this ALONE! I have never felt more alone in my life than the day of your funeral. And that keeps playing back in my mind and I keep playing out Arlington and what it's going to look like and feel like as I sit there and say goodbye-- Again! Tom it is SO wrong, so wrong that I must feel like this. I looked around at your funeral and I resented your whole family. They made me angry and I felt bitter towards them, through no fault of their own, mind you. But there they were standing around, your Mom and Dad, your sisters and their husbands, your brothers and their girlfriends... Do you see the problem? Tom, do you get it? They all had someone and not just anyone but their OWN Someone. They had their significant other. I was alone. I was SO incredibly alone because MY Someone wasn't there standing next to me. He wasn't there to hold me or comfort me or tell me "We'll get through this together" or to take my hand or touch my cheek to wipe away my tears. He wasn't there to give me that little bit of peace and reassurance knowing that I had someone else to lean on. He wasn't standing there next to me because he was laying in front of me. No one else there could do for me what you could have done for me. NO ONE could have made me feel less alone that day (or any day for that matter). No one could have truly comforted me in the way I needed because the one-- the ONLY one who could have given me what I needed was you. I stood there and looked around and I felt so lost even talking with so many people because they couldn't help no matter how desperately they wanted to.
That feeling is coming back. That feeling is slowly creeping back in and I know it's going to knock me on my face again. I know I'm going to have to look around and see what I am supposed to have. I am going to watch others mourn together and many will try to comfort me. I'll let them of course because I know they want to help and I know that it comes from a place of love, but there is no way it will actually help. Nothing can help this. How does the Evanescence song go? "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There is just so much that time can not erase." It's never going to be erased, so I have to continue on this journey alone because you left me no choice. I am alone and as the dread rolls in, so does the fear.
I Love you, Tommy. I miss you... and just now almost literally typed 'and see you soon.' But I won't see you 'til the other side. I can't even see your body again, just your coffin. That's so sad for me and our kids. They love you and miss you, too.
Love always,
Katie

Ingenious! & The Calm Before The Storm

Yes, that is what I am referring to myself as today. Why? For several reasons. The first and most important is that I have a brilliant book idea. Ok, so MAYBE it's not going to pan out, but I have found that there are more people out there in the world who are like me than I thought and I bet this book would sell more than 100 copies. I think it will do really well! I'm excited about it and hope that others will be, too. Now I just have to figure out how to go about getting it done. I still have my other book ideas and the book I sort of started last summer is up there in priority, but I'm not sure I want to really go there yet. This book idea is one that would be fun to write. I don't want to do this one alone, so I may ask one or two other people what they think and if they'd be willing to co-author it with me. I also would love to find the children's book I wrote last summer, but I think Tom threw it away while trying to organize for me. That is one thing I can not seem to do well with, but I am coming out of my fog bit by bit and hopefully will be better suited to assist someone else as they organize for me, lol!

On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.

*****

This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.

"Mrs." Bagosy?

Ok, so I was reading the Military Widow book that my CACO gave me as standard issue and while most of it was wonderfully helpful there were several things that hadn't crossed my mind until reading it, and I must say I could have done without (at least for now). One thing that really bothered me is how they kept referring to us as widows and not wives. Ok, I get it. I hate the word widow, but keep using it because I feel I need to say it to myself until I believe it's true. But I did NOT appreciate how the book mentioned several times that I am no longer Tom's WIFE. Um, hello? Are you serious? I AM TOO STILL HIS WIFE! Aren't I? I mean, really, am I? And if I'm not then who am I? I took vows that said "Til DEATH do us part" and I kept my end of the deal, I guess he did too in some ways, but then what? What happens to me once he's gone? Am I not still referred to as Mrs. Bagosy? Yes. Do I change that to Ms.? I don't think so! And even if that is what would be expected of me (which I know is not) I would not. I AM Mrs. Bagosy, so aren't I then still Tom's wife? Why can't I say that? Why do I ever have to take off my wedding ring if I don't want to? Why do I need to circle "Widow" when I'm asked my marital status on doctors forms and the like? Why can't I still have my husband? I still call him my husband, so why not say that I'm still his wife? I know the book was not trying to do anything but be real and show me the expectations of this new life, but it bothered me to hear (read) that I'm no longer his wife. I don't want to accept any of this, and that sure didn't help. Ok, I'm done with my tangent for now.

6 Weeks Later

Dear Tommy,
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie

Rolling Rock

Dear Tommy,

I was looking up today at the tops of our cabinets and was thinking of the memories from the cup collection and the "beverage" collection. I saved one of the unopened wine bottles you sent me for Mother's Day last year while you were in Reno for training. You were gone for 6 weeks, same amount of time as you've been gone now. You wanted me to drink it, but I couldn't. I felt that it was special and I needed to keep it.
I was also looking at the Rolling Rock bottle we've had for the last 4 years. It makes me sad to see it there, and a little angry, too. That bottle has been around from the beginning of us living together. We've had it since we were living in that trailer for 6 weeks while we waited for base housing. Oh man, I wish I could forget how miserable we were there! I don't know why but we did not go even One day without having at least one fight! I remember you coming home with the Rolling Rock and I asked why you got that. You didn't know, you just felt like getting it that night. One of your friends came over and made fun of you for it, so the Rolling Rock just sat there. We finally got our housing and moved. Thinking about it now, we got our keys on May 10, 2006, exacly 4 years before you died. That last beer bottle came with us. I wanted you to drink it, but you said no, and I wasn't going to get rid of it until you drank it. Even in the new house you would ask me to get you a beer, and me being the submissive wife (haha) would always get you one-- the Rolling Rock. You would never drink it, though. One time I was finally going to open it myself and you walked into the kitchen and asked what I was doing. You told me that I couldn't open it, that we had to keep it forever because it was with us from the beginning. You told me that as long as we kept that Rolling Rock we would be together, so Tom, we kept it. There were a few times that I wanted so desperately to open it up, or break it in front of you and say to hell with the beer and to hell with you, but I never did. I didn't want to jinx us. I didn't ever really want to say goodbye, even when I told you I was leaving. I never meant it. You never did either. It came with us to our new house-- Our house, the one we bought together, the one that I still haven't been able to take your name off of. We brought it here, Tom, and it is still here, so why aren't you? You said that as long as we have that unopened beer bottle we would be ok, but we're not ok, Tom because you are gone and not just 'oh you left me, but maybe we can work it out.' No, that I could've handled, but that's not what happend. No, you left me in the worst sense of the word, by your own hand. How am I supposed to deal with that? I see this seemingly insignificant beer bottle, but to me it means so much. It means my/ our marriage in some ways. It's one of those inside things that no one else will ever understand in all totality except for "us" but again now there is no "us" anymore. Tommy, why is this stupid beer bottle still here over 4 years later, but you are not? You lied. You said we'd be ok. You told me that we'd be fine and I believed it. I know. It's a beer bottle for Pete's sake! That is not what keeps a marriage together, but it was one of those things. It's been around for 4 years, all 3 places we lived together, 2 moves, and so many times it came close to getting broken or poured out, but it lasted. We were supposed to last. We didn't. I don't want to accept that.
My plan for the Rolling Rock now? It's simple really. I forgot to bring it to Delaware for the funeral. I thought about putting it in your coffin along with the picture of us that you had with you 'that' day (thank you MarSOC for getting that back), but since I forgot it, my new plan is to bring it to your burial. I figure the only fitting thing to do since we are now in a sense separated is to separate the Rolling Rock as well. I plan on pouring the beer on your grave and keeping the bottle for myself. That way it goes with both of us. I though also about breaking it over your coffin, but I think I may be sad later on that I don't have the bottle. Since you'll have the beer right now I can always break the bottle on your head stone or something later on if I feel I need a more symbolic and angry way to get out my feelings over it. For now, we'll split it, just like my heart is split in wanting to be with you and needing to be here for our kids. Well, I'm off to bed. See you in my dreams, I hope.

Love Always,
Katie