Monday, September 6, 2010

Avery's Hurting Too

Ok, so out of nowhere tonight while Avery was in the kitchen she puts her hand on her eye like she was holding back tears and said "I lost my Daddy." She looked so sad, and she has never used those words before. We weren't talking about you or anything and there she is, telling me she lost you. I was on my way to the front door at that moment to call my Mom and she said got up and said "Let's go get him!" I told her that we can't, and for the next 20 minutes or so we talked on and off about you. Mostly she was telling me "I miss Daddy... Daddy's dead... I'm sad..." She kept burrying her face and walking around with her head down. My heart breaks for her and I have to say that it has opened the flood gates for me tonight. It's interesting to me how I can be ok for days and not cry, and then something happens and it's like I make up for it with the amount of tears. I think I'm getting about 1 Big cry in a week and tonight was it for me.

Again, I was thinking of her birthday since I was talking to my Mom about planning her party. I know this sounds horrible, but it would be so much easier to skip her birthday and all the rest of the holidays this year for that matter. Of course I won't even attempt that, but it would make it easier on me. It's those days that are the worst. I think Your birthday was one of the worst for me. Avery's birthday is eating at me. I can not even imagine what Nathan's will do to me. I Hate the thought! I am sure it hurts more for the kids than myself on those special days. I can't take their pain away and I hate to see my babies in pain. I didn't really realize how deeply it was effecting Avery until tonight. My Mom had a theory as to what sparked it and she may be right. But the point is that now I realize that she gets it more than I thought she did.

You know she keeps asking for Pop-pop ALL the time. She misses my Dad so much. I think she gets that he's still around and you're not (as much as she can). I remember how she started calling him 'Daddy' right away, even before anything was mentioned about you not being alive. I also remember the look on my Dad's face the first time I heard her say it. I wasn't bothered by it (and soon after she started callign all females 'Mommy'), but my Dad look so worried about how I'd react. She was 19 months, what can you day? She tells me constantly that she wants to go to "Del-bah-wares" too. I assume it's because Pop-pop and Nathan are there.

Well, today is Labor Day. Not like it's any special holiday, but it is a long weekend for the Marine's and I'm sitting here thinking of this weekend and what I did and who I hung out with and how different it would have been if you were alive. I'm wondering what we would have done this weekend and in the past almost 4 months. Yup, Friday will be 4 months since you died. It's crazy to think like that, but I still just wonder what life would have turn out to be like. I was rocking Avery tonight thinking of that and a lot of other things, too. I obviously miss you, that goes with out say. I'm just glad that life isn't as bad as it could be right now. I didn't expect any good to be in my life this soon after you died, and yet here it is. Life is so imensely bitter-sweet lately.

Love you forever Tom! That is the one thing that will never die. And yes, I saw you the other morning and it was such a peaceful experience. It's comforting to know you are watching out for us. We all love you and miss you, forever!

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