So there is a picture on my blog page that is of you when right before you got on the bus to go hop on your plane to Iraq. It was September 2006-- 4 years ago. You were 22. Even now I will say how that was one of the most difficult days I have ever faced in my life. I was hysterical-- yes I was the wife who could not hold it together. I was so upset that one wife took Nathan out of my arms and another came over to hug and console me. It was your second deployment (first war), and honestly more than I thought I could bare. I was depressed for the first 2 months and went home to Delaware for a while which made it better, at least as much as possible. But that night was horrid. Watching you leave not knowing if I'd ever see you or hold you again? Wow, talk about feeling helpless and terrrified!
The Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" reminds me of that deployment. It was the longest September.
You know that picture is still around and now it's basically been passed on to Avery, though it will always hold a special place with Nathan and I as it has been a staple of our decore since then. I could write a whole blog about that picture alone. Maybe one day, but it's too depressing. I have always seen that picture and felt that you looked like you were saying goodbye, as in goodbye forever. I said that to Jena after you died and she said she could see it, too. I hate looking at it now because of that, because I do feel like it's your goodbye somehow.
September is hard for me now in other ways. Avery will be 2 this month. She will have never had the opportunity to spend a single birthday with her Daddy, as last year you were in Afghanistan. You missed Nathan's first birthday, too, but you sent him a Vermont Teddy Bear, which he has since passed onto Avery to keep her company at night since he has Sam. I'm sure one day he'll want it back. He is such a sweet and loving person and a wonderful big brother. I asked you to send Avery a Vermont Teddy Bear for her first birthday. I thought it would be really nice for her to have one, too. You agreed and sent one. I'm really glad they have those special things to hold on to.
I wish you were here. They need you so much, Tommy. We all do. I hate that there will never be another birthday or holiday without you. I think this time of year is going to be exceptionally dificult this year. Well, ok I already know it will be. Everyone knows that. I just hope I can hold it together for the kids's sake.
You know today Avery was playing with the sheep! Oh man, did that make me smile and then cry. She hasn't played with that thing in forever and there she was and wanting to take it to bed, too. That is one of those funny things that only we would find as amusing as it is. Mmmaaa!!