One Year Ago...

Dear Tommy,

One year ago today we moved into this house and you left for Afghanistan. You weren't even supposed to be on that deployment. You were a replacement for an injured Marine. You should actually be deployed right now and we'd be getting ready for your return, instead we are mourning your death.

I remember my first night in this house. I cried SO hard and so long. You had been in a rush to make your flight and we didn't get a good "goodbye." I was SO sad and it was SO hard. I remember thinking that night that this didn't feel like "our" home or "your" home. It just didn't. I wondered if that meant you weren't coming home. I thought some horrible thoughts that I didn't want in my mind, but they came just the same. I wondered if you had bought this house for us-- the kids and I, so we'd have a place of our own. I hated thinking that way. I hated not feeling like this was OUR home. I hate thinking it even now. It was like one of my many premonitions about you... Writing that made me think of a few months ago when the movie "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock was on. It was sometime around Christmas because I picture the tree in my mind. Ok so maybe more than a few months ago, but really where did the time go? You took Nathan out and bought him a Lego X-Box game and something else. You went to Red Robin for dinner because he wanted some one-on-one Daddy time. I stayed here and cried watching it. I thought about it and put us in those rolls for some reason. It was weird, and I can't really explain it very well, but it obviously stood out in my mind. I wondered at the time if any of my premonitions about you would come true and how that must feel. To see her try to stop it from happening and in the end being the reason it happened. Now it hits a little close to home. I wish to God that none of this had happened and I never knew those feelings that I expected Sandra's character in the movie must have felt...

But back to last year on this day. I remember crying and begging God to let me hold you one more time. I wanted AT LEAST one more time because we didn't get a real goodbye when you left and we didn't get to spend any time together that day since we were moving. I told Him I NEEDED that and not to take you from me. I BEGGED Him not to take you. I was so scared because I have always thought it would be your second war deployment that would take your life. I wondered on that night where I would be on this day, one year later. I wonder the same thing right now about next year. I'm afraid to know what that day holds, though because life can always get worse. I wish I could have a "Flash Forward" like that ABC show and I wish I wouldn't see anything.

I know I'm so negative and bringing those around me down, too, but I can't help it. I can't help wanting this to be over. You can't come back to me, so the only way to be with you is to go to you. I'm obviously not going on my own, I just wish an act of God would bring me to you. I will always want that until the day we are together again.

Love you and miss you,
Katie

I Can Do This

I can do this. I can do this. No really, I can do "this." I can do busy that is. I can do staying out of my house and away from his stuff and away from our pictures and yes, here is the Horrible Mom of Year statement: I can be away from the kids. Do I miss them? Yes! But being around them means I have to face reality and I have to deal with their pain and I can't even deal with my own pain. The past few days I have been able to focus on me and yes, it has helped knowing that my kids are safe and having a blast and I could cry and not feel bad. But I have also been so busy that I am largely able to ignore the tears and the pain and almost pretend like it's someone else's life I am living right now. I can do that. I can pretend that this is going to go away and I'll be with him again, but then... but then I see his face either in a picture or in my mind. I see his clothes. I see his truck. I see our bed and he is not in it and he will not be in it ever again. And then? And then it starts. And then I can't stop it or IF I can hurry up and distract myself fast enough I can stop it all before I get so consumed that I just can't breathe. I don't want to breathe, not without him.

There are moments that I try to imagine my life 10 years down the road and I think, Maybe I'll be happy. Maybe my kids will have a solid "father figure" in their lives. Maybe we'll be celebrating Christmas and laugh and smile and feel joy. But then, all of a sudden 10 years from now at Christmas dinner it will hit me. Tom is not there. Tom SHOULD be there, but he's not. And whatever we will be doing in that moment is something that should Not be taking place because in that moment we will be celebrating without him. And at that moment 10 years from now, I will break down and cry in front of everyone. No one will understand. They will think "Well, it's been 10years already. She should be over it by now." But I won't be over it and in that moment I will think about what my life should be like and wonder where we would be and how we would be celebrating if our family-- our original family-- were all together. I will never know. I will never know what my life would be like in 10 years. People will look at me and see the smiles, see me laughing, and see happiness, but they will not understand that each and every day for the rest of my life I will be struggling. I will be struggling for air, for that feeling of freedom-- freedom from this misery. Freedom from torture that each and every day will hold. No, no one will understand. I may tell someone, "You know I still miss him. I still miss my Tommy." And they may seem sympathetic, but they won't get it. They won't know what this missing piece of my heart is doing to me on a daily basis. That will Never ever go away.

For now I just try to keep myself as busy as I can because the truth and reality of this is sinking in and I can't handle it. I try to ignore it as much as possible. I miss my heart and my soul and don't want to know this life without him.