Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wow Army Wife I am PISSED at You!

NOTE: this is nothing personal against the Army or Army wives in general, just this one in particular.

I read an article shared by another military widow today that has bothered me enough to blog about it. Rebekah Sanderlin is the author of said article and I am truly shocked that this is coming from an Army wife who writes about military marriages.

To Ms. Sanderlin I say: Our husbands have Both served this amazing country of ours in ways that are honorable. It is because of men and women like our spouses that YOU have to freedom to write such things. BUT how Dare you sit there and first of all call others "ignorant and irritating" when you yourself are showing the same disrespect that you received when people looked down on you for your husband's service in Afghanistan. I mean really? You sit there and say how thankful you are that he never went to Iraq, but you say it because to you Afghanistan is the "good" war which says you think that Iraq is the "bad" war. So you, too are judging just as others have judged you.

I *LOVE* the last paragraph which says, "I hope that, going forward, Americans will keep in mind that the men and women who served in Iraq did so honorably and nobly and that they and their families sacrificed greatly for our nation. They deserve the gratitude of the nation that sent them -- again and again and again -- to war." ...And by *LOVE* I obviously am being sarcastic. You sit there for an entire article putting down the war in Iraq and are smart enough to know that since there will be backlash for it you'd better end it on a positive note hoping that is the part that remain in the minds of others, not all the negative that you wrote for paragraph before. Well, it takes A LOT to offend me, but congratulations because you have! What a disgrace you are to being a military wife. You say it's "baggage" for us? For our families? You say this as if WE should be ashamed. Well, my dear, I say it is YOU who should be ashamed, and maybe even CNN for posting this (though for the record I do love CNN for all they have done about the American Widow Project).

My husband served in BOTH wars, Iraq and Afghanistan. I assure you, sweetheart, that both are equally as worth remembering and the sacrifice of those who served should be Honored.
.... To be continued when I calm down....

I'm a bit calmer now after going to Spin class and hanging out with my neighbor having a beer. I am obviously a widow and in several widow groups and we all pretty much feel the same way-- disgusted by the things that were said by Ms. Sanderlin. Many Americans died in Iraq and to have someone like her sit there and make it seem as though it's a disgrace. I feel that Ms. Sanderlin is the disgrace. I almost pitty her because you know that she's not so popular in Fayetteville, NC right now where she lives (or anywhere else for that matter); I'm sure there are plenty of soliders and wives at Fort Bragg that would like to put her in her place-- I Almost feel bad for her, but I don't. I don't feel bad for someone like her at all and hope that she learns to be more careful about what she says on such a large scale as CNN.

Here's the link to the article...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


At the beginning of summer my Mom told me that she thinks I have PTSD. She was apprehensive to tell me this as she didn't want to upset me. Upset me? No. It didn't. It made me laugh actually because I thought the idea was Ridiculous! I could not possibly have PTSD! Why would my husband's suicide be something that could even cause PTSD? She went with the whole "Well, it IS a traumatic event" reasoning, so I ran it past one of my friends who's a Marine and has PTSD. He agreed with my Mom. I started to think about it and see why they think this way. I do show signs of it, but I'm still doubtful. I'll have to see a therapist to be formally diagnosed for me to really believe it, but I do know I have struggled with Tom's death greatly. They aren't the only ones who seem to think I am suffering with PTSD either...

So, this past weekend while I was in NC a fellow widow and I met up for a little bit, which is crazy in it's own right just because neither of us lives in NC anymore. The funny thing about this girl is that we originally met in high school because we share a mutual best friend, though we never really hung out together. She married her high school sweetheart and ended up at Camp Lejeune, too. Her husband died almost 6 years ago and our mutual friend put us in touch after my husband died. She was actually the first military widdow I ever talked to (RJP was the second). Anyway, we started talking about one of her friends. I'm not sure what her name is, but she reads my blog (HI, btw!). Apparently she started reading my blog before she knew Andrea and I were even friends. When she realized this she told Andrea that from reading my blog it sounds like I have PTSD and she needed to tell me that. I just find it amusing in the maybe-they-are-right-kind-of-way that everyone seems to think I do.

I think for me it's a scary thought, not that I'm afraid of actually having it. It's just that it was my husband's PTSD that took his life and while I don't plan on taking that path, it's still one of those things that just shouldn't be. It's just too ironic to me. I may have to explore this a little more (and with a professional), but it's just coincidental that it keeps being brought up by various people.

NCIS Released Tom's Belongings

I've been in North Carolina and since I don't have plans to be back for a while I called the Special Agent who worked Tom's case and was finally told I could come pick up his belongings (16 months after his death)! I wasn't sure how I'd do and didn't want to go alone, but I also didn't want Avery to go with me. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I asked Jena to stay at the house with her, which she did.

As I drove on base my anxiety increased and I could feel my chest getting tighter. I took deep breaths to try and keep me calm. As I drove towards the fire station (where Tom died) the song "Here Without You" by 3doors Down came on the radio. This is one of the few songs that can bring me to my knees. I broke down 3 weeks after he died at the bar when this song played, it's the song that cause my widow breakdown at work. It was one of the songs Tom put on the deployment CD he made for me. Hearing it as I drove past the fire station was another one of those moments that made me lose it. I composed myself after I pulled into the parking lot of NCIS.

As I got out of my car and walked up to the NCIS building it was as if something else took over. It wasn't me moving my body along the sidewalk. My body felt numb, as if I had no control over it. Though I had called earlier and was to be expected, I had to wait in the lobby. My chest was tense and kept getting tighter. Where was the special agent? I just wanted this to be over. I tried to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts with little to no avail. I heard a siren and it made me think of Tom that day and how they had to call an ambulance for him, though it wouldn't have made a difference. Several people in a few of the first cars on the scene were docs, and when I ran into one at NCIS months ago by random chance he explained how it was a fatal wound and nothing could have been done. It was over in just a few short minutes. I thought about that day and how much has changed since then... The door opened and interrupted my thoughts. It was the Special Agent. He called me into an office for a minute, sat me down and remind me of what I was getting back and made sure I really wanted certain items.

We had to wait a few minutes for his things to be brought from the other building, and chatted about things. He said since the case is closed he could talk a bit about it and mentioned the text messages between Tom and I from the previous days leading up to his death. Somehow his take on it gave me comfort. It also makes me want to go back and ready the messages, but emotionally I'm not ready for that.

The lady who handles the evidence came with two plastic tubs that contained Tom's belongings. For some reason I expected them to be in clear plastic bags, though they were not. She took the labels off the bags and when she came to the bag with his wallet, she handed it to me. They both knew how much I had been wanting his wallet and I opened that bag right away. The rest would be saved for when I got home and put Avery to bed....

I had a bit to drink to relax me and began to open the brown paper bags sealed with red tape that read EVIDENCE in larger black letters with NCIS underneath it. I decided that I'd start small and work my way up with the bags. There was one box, which cased the gun and near 20 individual bags of "evidence" in various sizes. I chose to start small seeing as part of me felt I was a little too relaxed for this. I figured I'd wait to open the larger bags for another night knowing his clothes were sitting in there. All of a sudden it seemed like a bad idea to have 3 glasses of wine before embarking on this "mission." I wanted a clear head. It wasn't going to happen tonight, okay... but I wanted to open something. I chose a bag. It almost felt empty. When I opened it, I pulled the plastic bag out-- it was a pen, no cap. Somehow it gave me the confidence to go on. Bag #2...

It was larger, but light, so I just went for it. I knew the heaviest bags had become home to his boots, blouse, and pants, for the last year, but I didn't think about what anything else could be. I reached in without looking. My natural reflex was to yank my arm back without hesitation as I felt cloth. My hand barely touched it, but automatically registered the different textures. Part was soft, while the other part was rough. I looked. It was his green shirt. It took me a moment and I just left my arm in the bag with it closed, though my hand not extended far enough to touch the shirt.

Once I got the courage (and the pep talk from myself that the shirt could have been taken from the back seat of the truck), I reached further in and pulled it out. This was the moment of truth and it WAS the shirt he wore that day. (Now, I will leave it at that, though I have my feelings written down for myself, this is a little too personal for me to share on here). I held it up and tried to recall what Tom looked like in it, how he filled it out, how much bigger he was than me. I decided to be more careful with the rest of the bags I'd open for that night. I chose the ones that were like the first-- small. Those were safe. And this one made me laugh. It was an empty strip of Zantac for his heartburn. The last I opened for the night just had some random papers. I was going to quit while I was ahead.

.... Ok, so it's been a few days since I wrote that (it was sitting in the draft box). I opened the rest of the evidence bags, and it was much easier than I expected. The way it was described to me had me prepared for the worst and it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't the way I pictured. In some strange way it really did give me this new sense of peace. I think it's the closure I've been waiting for, not that there is ever true closure with a suicide, but I feel like I can start looking forward. It was holding me back on some subconscious level that isn't there now. I love my husband and miss him more than I could ever explain in words. Only my tears hold the true extent of my grief for Tom. Those tears are rarely shared with the public, but in the quiet of my home where no one else can see, I let out my pain, my sorrow, my anguish for my love.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Different Kind of Fairy Tale

I haven't blogged in a while (except for the past week) and even less than that, I haven't read any blogs in as much time. Tonight I figured I would and the first (and only) one I read sparked something inside me. It's the latest post from the blog "A Grteful People" titled "My Version of The Notebook Sequal."

The pictures are from her family photo shoot with Marine husband and two young children. They are beautiful photos that look straight out of a magazine. I see this young, beautiful mom a family to match. It was bitter-sweet reading the post and seeing the pictures. It was so much sweeter than anything bitter, but I did feel a moment of saddness for myself, but it quickly disappeared as I admired this family. I'm not a "misery loves company" type person. I see happy people-- families/ couples-- and I get happy knowing that someone out there is happy. I sat there for a few minutes thinking how they look like they have a fairy tale life and it made my heart smile. I know behind closed doors everything is different and with two little ones running around there is sheer caos at times, but in the still pictures there is such love, peacefulness and elogance.

The fairy tales I read to my daughter are ones with a prince and princess and riding off into the sunset after the prince rescues her from a far worse life than she had deserved. There is no typical prince here, yet in my eyes one better-- a Marine.

I don't know why I got so lost in the idea, but none-the-less it's in my head. I miss my Marine all the time. I wish we had amazing family pictures together. I wish he was here right now and I'd probably scheduel a photo shoot for the tomorrow. But alas, he is not here. It doesn't mean I have given up on the idea of a fairy tale. Why can't I get a second chance at a fairy tale? I would love and adore a "Happily Ever After" and maybe it wouldn't be my original ideal ending, but with now as my new starting point I could really use Happily Ever After.

Most people who know me... okay, okay, Everyone who knows me knows that I have been extremely closed minded about dating anyone who is not a Marine since Tom died. I tried going on dates with civilians, soldiers, and Airmen, but I just couldn't get over the fact that they weren't Marines or at least hadn't been Marines in the past. I am really trying to not think that way. I will say that military is preferable for me and it doesn't have to be active duty now, but at some point and just because I feel like they will understand me a little better and where I'm coming from. I do have a thing for Marines though and everything Marine Corps. That is where my affinity lays and always shall.

I don't know, but looking at the pictures tonight just made me think how nice it would be to have THAT again. To be married to a Marine and to have that life with a Marine husband and at least my two kids. Maybe it seems like I'm trying to replace what I once had, but I'm not. Nothing will ever be what I had and in some ways that's a good thing. I just feel most comfortable in that life and tonight it just brought up all these feelings about having my Marine "prince" come sweep me off my feet and have that Happily Ever After fairy tale ending...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Miss You

Dear Tommy,

I. Miss. You.... A LOT!

I wonder what life would be like if you didn't die that day. I wonder what we would be doing right now in this very moment instead. I hate playing the "What...If" game, but I'm playing it anyway right now.

I could really use a hug and kiss from you. I love the way you kissed me. I wish your arms were around me right now. Guess wishing is all I can do.

Love Always,

Monday, August 22, 2011

A Great Weekend

Jena came to visit this weekend. It's always so nice to have a good friend come for a visit. We went to Savannah and Hilton Head Island on Saturday. Savannah is my favorite place in the world. We ate at Moon River. I love it and take everyone there. It's Tom's and my place for sure, but kind of reminds me of "C" as well. I guess by now I should just be calling Savannah MY place. I love everything about it. Sometimes those memories creep up and get to me when I'm there. I think having Jena with me that night was really good. She understands and she accepts it all and she can get my mind off of it all, too.

Jena came down because she needed a weekend away. We are both facing similar decisions in life right now, so I completely understand where she is coming from. It's great to have those friends who just get it and after every sentence it's that smile, or nod that says "I know, trust me, I know." Friends like Jena are Rare! I'm blessed to have her friendship. We are very different and very much alike at the same time. We can both be a little crazy and like to have fun when we go out, but we can also have a great time just hanging out and relaxing. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, though I've been told since Tom died I'm much more guarded. It's nice to have a friend I don't have to be guarded around.

Saturday was fun. I'm in a different mind set now and it was great to go out, meet new people, have a few drinks, chill by the water, and have those deep meaningful life talks about where we've been and where we are going. We met these really cool people who were there for a frisbee tournament and then started talking to some Army guys just back from deployment. They had their ball that night and one of the guys kind of seemed like an arrogant jerk before we got into conversation and his friend made a comment about Marines (we all know they have a rivalry). I told him not to make a comment like that to me and once he realized why he was apologetic. They were all pretty cool (ya know for being Army and all-- just kidding). It was nice chatting with them and their wives. I miss being a military wife. It's just so nice to be around people who understand me on THAT level even if only for a few minutes.

We left Savannah and met up with a friend and his roommates on the island. It was a great way to end the night. Sunday we had movie night and laughed until we cried. But of course we had to get into a deep conversation with one of our guy friends on the phone until 1am-ish. That put lots of things into perspective and I know I have tons to think about now (as does Jena, lol). Ugh! When will life be simple? Not sure it ever will be, but I'm just going to keep on living and doing what I need to do and hopefully one day life will be simple. I don't want boring or ordinary, just simple!

We went back to Hilton Head today (Avery was in school), just went and had lunch by the water, relaxed, and talked. I don't know what it is about that place, but I can be having the worst day (though today was a great day to start with), and as soon as I get on that island I feel at peace. I love this whole area down here. I know I need to move and get away, but if I can't be in Southern California then here is where I feel the most peace. Sitting by the water is such a soothing thing for me. I want to spend all my time out there and just soak it all up. If I could bottle it and take it with me I can honestly say I'd rarely have a bad day. Neither Jena nor I wanted to leave. She felt the same way there. I think I found one of my places to go and just write. I've been looking for that-- a place where I feel at peace to just sit and write; a place where my soul is full, happy, and at peace. I'm ready for that in life right now.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Widow Breakdown @ Work

I play my iPod and put it on shuffle while I'm taking a shower and getting ready for the day. Well, for the past 2 weeks or so (all except for 3 days) while I am in the shower my iPod has been playing songs that remind me of Tom. When I get out of the shower though, it plays songs that remind me of my ex-bf. It's a little weird-- and by a little I mean a lot.

The night before this first started happening I learned of the death of a guy from Tom's unit (later found out there were 2 others). So I was already upset over this news, then the songs started playing first thing in the morning. I cried a little and then went to work. I figured it would be a good distraction and was looking forward to it. Haha! So I am standing there as my manager is going over "game day" with the associates working that day including my good friend Kate and a brand new guy. And of course what starts to play? Yup of course, one of the songs that can bring me to my knees when I'm in a widow mood.

I start to cry and run into the back. Kate comes back and turns the song off. I went back out and thankfully we had a shipment come in that day and he kept me working in the back on that. I couldn't deal with people that day. Later I was talking to another manager about it and he said he heard, and knew it was the "wrong song" that set me off.

Now I understand that not everyone has had to deal with death and not everyone who does will deal with it the same way. I really do understand this, but the other day at work my "widow breakdown" got brought up and one of the newer employees who was not there really pissed me off. He asked what made me cry and I said it was a song that reminded me of my husband. His response: "Are you that sensitive that a song made you cry?" I didn't particularly like the way he said it either. I had a few choice words for him... I kept them in my head, but I wanted to explain to this person what it's like to be a widow, what it's like to have the love of your life die and to miss this man everyday of your life, to wake up every morning without him next to you knowing you won't see or talk to him again and to go to bed every night alone knowing that you won't see him the next day either or ever again. I wanted to explain that we don't choose when or what will trigger us to break down and cry and that sometimes I can listen to that song (and many others) and won't even blink an eye, but sometimes... sometimes when the circumstances are just right that little things like a smell or a song or a memory will bring us to our knees at a moments notice.

I was really mad at this guy, but I let it go. Well, I let it go at work and decided to write about it here instead. If crying over the fact that my husband died makes me "sensitive" I will always be considered sensitive and I am ok with that.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Too Much To Handle

I wonder how long I need to lay low and stay off the radar before life can go back to being the way I need and want it to be? It would be awesome if I had a remote like on the movie "Click" --without the bad side effects. Besides going back and changing the obvious, right now I really would like to fast forward to being a part of the real world again. For now I'm just trying to focus on me and calm the waters. They have always been a little choppy in my life, but since Tom died the waters have had outrageous waves and my boat is about to capsize if I don't do something now and I don't know how to swim, nor can I find a life vest, so before I totally spin my life out of control to where I can't handle it anymore, I will change it.

I talked to Jena about life in the past few months and I love that she is totally honest with me about everything and doesn't sugar coat it. People are shocked when they hear our conversations because we give each other such raw honesty that most people wonder how we are still friends. The thing is that we both appreciate the honesty that most people are afraid of and know that even when we say something that may hurt the other's feelings, it's truth and it comes from a place of love and respect. We try to build each other up and when one needs to get kicked in the butt to get in gear we can always trust the advice of the other.

So, not only have I been overwhelmed myself lately, I have also been overwhelming to others. I wish I had talked to her about this sooner, but better late than never. I have been seeing my life spinning, but I think when I put it out there to some fellow widows that I Needed widow time and then saw that a few of them got together without me it was a realization that I have been too much to handle. I'll be honest and say that it's not Just since Tom that I get like this. There have been several times in life that I have become so stuck on my own life and having pitty parties and had the attitude that the world revolves around me, but it's been like this for a much longer time frame now since Tom's death. I'm not proud of it, nor do I like it. I don't like myself right now, so how could others like me at this point? But I see it, and I am changing it.

I need to get back to the gym again and start eating right because I am a Totally different person when I go to the gym and at least attempt to eat healthy. It's amazing the difference in my personality and attitude when I work out vs. when I don't. I'm such a better person when I work out. I am more positive, have energy, and I'm more likable (to others and myself). I guess tomorrow I should start being serious about it again-- diet and gym!

As I write this the U2 song 'Stuck in Moment' came on. "It's just a moment, this time will pass." I guess as I started this I was thinking how nice it would be to have that remote and fast forward life, but ya know, this is just a moment in my life and while I always search for the quick fixes in life I have learned (and by learnED I mean learnING) that there aren't quick fixes and that is just the way life goes. I just have to relax and live and it will get there. Time goes by fast and my life will be where it needs to be sooner than later with the right attitude and mind set. I just need to not worry about anything else and just enjoy the ride.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Lost and Found

Do you know who I am? No really I'm asking because I don't know. Apparently this has been the subconscious question I have been asking EVERYONE about ME for far too long now. I haven't realized it on the level I needed to until recently, but now I can see that is what I was doing. I have been running and hiding from the real world for, oh... say 15 months and 4 days, perhaps. I have been trying to escape from reality. Funny thing is that "C" has told me many times that I don't know what reality is. Wrong. I know what reality is and I Choose to run from it.

I have been trying to figure out my life for a long time and trying to figure out who I am now. I know who I am as a person and back in January I really felt like I found myself, my true self again. I didn't feel lost so much anymore and then somewhere in the past 3 months or so I lost that person. I'll be real here and say that I haven't been the greatest person ever. I haven't held true to my values or character or my convicitions in life. I haven't treated people the way I normally do, nor how I should. I have been a bit mean and I feel bad about it. I really couldn't give a straight answer as to why because I'm not really sure. I'm not proud of myself, but I have to say that I have some amazing friends that have pointed out my faults and still love me none-the-less. I am so thankful and so blessed because not only are they wonderful, they have helped me get back to being the real me (again).

My life has been on drama-overload lately and I got to my breaking point with it. I think I have embraced the drama that has been my life since Tom died because it's what I was used to. Back in December when my relationship with "C" first started to have drama, I talked to one of my guy friends about it. I asked his advice about if I should end things with "C" and he said, "No! That is not at all what I'm saying." I was shocked. I figured as a good friend trying to tell me this guy was no good for me that he would automatically tell me to dump the guy. 'What?' Was all I could say in my moment of shock. He told me, "This guy is perfect for you. All you know anymore is drama and this guy is complete drama, so you should stay with him. You're not drama so you need it in your life." (His explanation on that last sentence was amusing and probably very true but he brought our other friend into it to explain so I'll leave it out for now.) But he was right in the sense that drama was all I knew. Ever since Tom came home from Iraq my life was crazy, and drama had become my comfort zone-- not one I recommend for sure, but it was the one thing I understood.

The thing is that drama never ended with "C" even when our relationship did. When I started dating "K" I just didn't know how to deal with him and his lack of drama. The calmest my life has been in a long time was when "K" was in my life. I felt good about myself and my life and the direction it was headed at that point. I couldn't sit here and explain why I felt the way I did, but I just remember having those thoughts then. I messed up things on that one, but it was a learning experience for sure. I think I've allowed so much drama in my life because it keeps me distracted from reality. And there has been plenty lately. I'll be honest and say most of my drama over the past 15 months has been related to boys (and not just boys I date, but boys who Want to date me), my family, and my drinking (oh it was bad for a while back in the beginning of the year and I don't drink often anymore-- and finally reached a point where I'm going to limit my amount when I do drink). It seems like I need to learn all my lessons the hard way.

I didn't realize how much drama was going on in my life because I was so wrapped up in it. I mean there have been a few times when I have seen my life getting out of control and needed to reign it back in, but this is on a different level and I'm at a point where I'm ready to run from the world and hide in a little hut all by myself and never come out (well only if the hut was a 5 star hotel room suit, lol). I just need to learn to chill for a little while; Take a break and then slowly get back into the real world. I'm going to work and write and take a few small, low key trips. If this plan isn't working well in a few months I'm starting back to school to get my Master's... again, lol. I was going to start again next month, but my Mom told me the other day she didn't think I was ready for it. That made me doubt it, too, and if I was swayed that quickly then it looks like she's right. And I need to figure out where I'll be living before I start classes because I don't want to move in the middle of a semester either.

I ran into people from my home church today (I really was going to go, but Miss Avery didn't want to cooperate), anyway, one person said "I didn't know you were here. I can't keep up with you." Haha, I told her I can't even keep up with me, and that's the sad truth. I just want to calm down and take a step back, reevaluate my life a bit and Finally focus! I finally feel like I'm on the right road now and need to stay on it this time!

I've been running too much. I mean anytime life gets a little hard anymore I am out the door! Well, the running is over because let's be honest, there are times in life when running is not an option, so I need to remember what it's like to face the hard times. We won't even discus the running I do... Uh, I mean did... with Tom's death. Though, I have been much better with that one the, I still have my running moments.

Ok, so, I just used to word drama more than should ever be used for any reason! Moving

Back in NC

I'm here in our NC house. Avery is watching Dora on the couch not feeling well and telling me this house is better than our other house and she doesn't want to leave here. I'm supposed to be getting the house ready for renters, but somehow I just can't. I don't even want to go through anything. I have such anxiety over even looking in the closets. What am I supposed to do with all of our stuff? I mean yes, obviously there is storage, but there is so much that I still need to sort through and I can tell you I have no motivation, nor the mental will power to do so. Oh, my. I just want someone else to handle all this. Actually truth be told I wish this wasn't an issue at all, but this is the life I have been dealt and I'm going to have to put my big girl panites on and deal with it... just not this weekend.

I'm really going to have to be ok with this decision and just go with it. I feel like I'm at home here and don't want to move away-- oh wait I did that about 10 months ago, but it was different because I am up here All the time anyway and have that comfort knowing that I can come whenever I want. I just need to deal with the fact that other people will be living here and I can't come home anytime I want-- that I can't come and be close to Tom. I know that Avery is really upset and really wants to be here at the NC house all the time, but that's because she knows and understands that this is where Daddy was when she was a baby and I know she misses him. She talks about him a lot, especially when we are here. It breaks my heart when my babies talk about their Daddy, what they remember and missing him. This house comforts me a lot. I have peace here, but I don't want to "retreat." I want to be strong enough to keep going. I guess we will see soon enough how this all turns out.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The House

Well, Tommy, I haven't written to you on here in a while, so I figure why not do so tonight? I mean I am going home for the weekend as I have people moving into our house next month and I need to start getting it ready for the renters. Wow let me tell you how hard of a dicision that was! There is no way I could sell it, I can't afford to pay for it and the apartment anymore, and so I have been struggling with if I move back there or rent it out.

I don't feel you here with me anymore, but I still feel you close when I am in our home in NC. It breaks my heart to think I can't just go there and visit randomly when I get the notion to, which we know I do a lot! I probably go up about once a month and now it'll be at least a whole year before I can go again. I've been waiting for life to just show me what I'm supposed to be doing and waiting for everything to just drop in my lap. I figure I tend to try to rush things just so I can feel secure in knowing what is coming around the corner, but we know that life doesn't work that way. So I try to just let life show me what to do. And these people basically came to me.

It's only a year and in this lifetime that still awaits me, what is one going to do? I've already survived over a year (15 months and 1 day to be super exact) so I can go another year without being at that house. Maybe by then I'll be ready to sell it, who knows. All I know is that it's one less decision I have to make at the moment and one less huge bill I have to think about every month.

I miss you so much, Tommy! I just wish you were here to tell me I'm over reacting yet again and everything will be alright. I miss your arms around me and feeling like nothing else in the world even exists-- because when I was in your arms, nothing else did. I love you with all my heart and miss you as much. Everyday brings me one day closer to being with you again. I wish I knew what you were doing right now. Time for me to go to sleep and maybe dream about you? It's been a while.

Love always,

A Widow's Dating World (Part 2)

This has been in the draft box since June. I suppose it's time to post what I wrote then with a little editing that is needed on the story...

Why do some widows choose to date so soon after while others wait longer or never agian? There are just as many reasons as there are widows and I would be doing a diservice if I tried to answer for anyone else, but I can say that I have heard some say they will never date again because "he was it, there will never be anyone else for me" and for them if no one else can compare then there is no point. Others just want to ease the pain or fill the void or are really truly ready for something more. Each widow has her reasons and it's not right to sit there and make assumptions as to what they may be.

As for me? Well, the day before Tom killed himself he told me it was time for him to step back and let some other man take over his family. This obviously floored me and left me speechless and I tried to tell him he was wrong. Well, less than 24 hours later I became a widow. I didn't think about dating for a while and really hated the idea of someone else "taking over" Tom's roll. But at the same time as time went on I knew I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father. I loved nothing more than having a family and wanted that again. The last few years with Tom were hard (I've discussed this before) and I already felt a little alone, not that anything compared to when he died, mind you.

The idea of ever dating again within the first few weeks was only there because of what Tom said and I felt like it was my duty to find my kids a dad. But then it became about me. I went through what many would call a selfish phase in my life and to be honest I wouldn't say I'm completely out of it (though every decision I have made since last June with my kids has been because I believe it's what is best for them). Dating someone (and rightfully so) became about me-- who made me happy and who was best for me. And if the person is right for me then obviously the person will be right for my kids, too. But my kids weren't the focus. I may have lost sight of that a few times and thought about settling for their sake, but as fate would have it, that never came to pass.

So I started going to the gym at the beginning of the year and one of the trainers and I got into a conversation about how I am a Marine's widow and how he is a former Marine. He told me about his friend and how we should hang out sometime. Eventually it happened and we hit it off. We will call him "K." Well "K" and "C" aren't really the best of friends which makes this a little... interesting for us all since they worked together. "K" is really different and was really hard to figure out. He said he didn't do drama, and really, I never really experienced drama with him-- except for the drama I created. All my life has been for 4 years is drama. It's all I know. I think the 'no drama' is one of the things I really liked about "K" but I didn't know how to handle it.

"K" and I dated a little while and he really helped me heal after "C" and get stronger. He showed me what kind of man I want. And honestly, when I was with him I felt "safe." The same kind of safe I did with Tom. I had a hard time letting go of that, but I think "K" also played games with me (yes even with not being able to figure him out or what he was really doing with me I still felt safe-- so hard to explain). And when I say games I mean No Where near on the level that "C" did, but for a while I totally allowed it. We don't talk anymore and truthfully it makes me sad. I have so much respect for "K" as a Marine and a man. That is something that I find so rare anymore-- being able to have that kind of respect for a man. He's the "bad ass" type, but when we were together he treated me well. I know it may seem silly, but he actually got me a Mother's Day card and even now I have to say that is one of the sweetest things ever. It meant so much to me. "C" didn't even send me a Happy Birthday Text until half way through the day of my b-day and we had known each other a while longer. Even with the way things turned out with "K" I still only have positive things to say and probably always will. When I picture in my mind what a Marine Should look like, he comes to mind as the epitomy of the perfect Marine-- maybe needs some work in the relationship area, but I think I should just blame myself for falling for guys that are still in love with their exes, lol.

Learning lessons the hard way seems to be the only way I learn them. Maybe one day I will take the easy route... Maybe, lol.

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Widow's Dating World (Part 1)

Note: This has been my experience and what I have heard as the most general experiences of others if a widow makes the decision to date or get involved with a man again after her husband has died. I am sure there are many other situations that I don't go into and plenty of widows may disagree with some of what I say....

What? Dating as a widow? Are widows even allowed to date? And if so how long does one have to wait after her husband's death to re-enter the dating pool? Well, everyone seems to have opinions and I had my own as well. I will tell you there are 3 paths that I have heard to be the most common for widows to take. Let's start with the one that gets judged most harshly
A. Sleeping around (especially soon after the death). Obviously this gets viewed harshly and while For The Record I did NOT choose this path I have to say that I have come to understand why someone would choose to do this. It's looking for the comfort and filling some sort of void. Of course this gets looked down on in general in life, but slap on the label of "widow" to this situation and wow, look out scarlet letter!
B. Getting into a relationship soon after the death. (I'll get into this one in a bit as this is the path I went down).
C. Waiting a "significant" period of time to get involved with anyone (if at all). Now this is the way that most people think widows should go. Most people (especially those outside the widow world) say we should wait at least a year before we start dating again. That gives the widow time to grieve and mourn her loss. While I have heard many people say the 2nd year is harder than the first, in general the first year is thought to be the most difficult. It takes time to process and learn how to live without the person you just lost.

Waiting a year also shows respect to the deceased and that you actually loved that person. Well, I will be the first to say that just because a widow starts some sort of interaction with another man does NOT mean that her love for her husband wasn't real or "enough." I fell in love with Tom when I was 18 and I can tell you that every other guy I dated was never good enough because they weren't him. We were in and out of each other's lives for years and we always came back to each other because no one else compared. We had that crazy passionate intense love/hate kind of love. That didn't go away when he died or when I met "C" my love for Tom will always be there and other widows will tell you the same thing about the love for their husbands.

My experience:
I assume we're all grown ups here and can handle candid (or semi-candid) talk, so I will be honest (not that I am anything but honest, but maybe open is a better word)...

Two months to the day after Tom died I met one of my neighbor's friends. (We'll call him "C"). The day I met "C" was the first day in the two months since Tom died that I didn't cry. It was the first day I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We started hanging out and never intended for a relationship to develop. It was nice to have someone there to talk to and give me that male attention. We text messaged all day long and hung out every evening for a week before he even tried to kiss me. He was the first (and only thing for a long time) to genuinely make me smile after Tom's death. I remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him As a Person and knew I always wanted him in my life as a friend (it was day 3 and recently when I told him about it he said he remember that time, too). He was amazing and I could talk to him the way I had wanted Tom and I to be able to talk. I really thought all it was going to be was a friendship, but I was lonely. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and just wanted someone there next to me so I could sleep well. He knows this now and why I allowed it to go the way it did, but I needed him in my life at that point.

What I found with "C" was everything that had been missing in my marriage for so long. I truly never thought I'd fall In Love with him. I Never saw forever with "C" while we were together, but then again I couldn't see a 'forever' at all in my life. From the beginning I was terrified of losing him as a friend more than anything. I thought it would be for the summer, ya know that summer romance that when he left would just end-- he was only here for 6 or so weeks for Ssgt school. (Oh yeah, did I mention he's a Marine, too? So is the one after him. ;-) )
It was unspoken, but we were both well aware of we were doing and yes, we were mutually using each other. But like I said, he was everything I had been longing for and I knew I wanted more with him. We decided to date when he left since it was only 5 hours away and I could go visit anytime. I eventually moved closer to him, and by eventually I mean 4 months after I met him and 2 months after we actually labeled us in a relationship. Now let me be clear when I say that I already intended to move closer to where he was living, just not as close as I did. He influenced that decision. I wanted to move before the holidays because I knew they would be too hard to take in that house and my parents both told me they thought it would be best for the kids to move. So, moving was the plan, moving 30 minutes from "C" happened because we discussed it would be an easier drive. I knew I loved him before I moved and tried to hold back on the "falling" part, but that didn't work so well once I moved.

I fell in love really quickly after that and right after New Year's we broke up. He loved me, but wasn't in love (so he said at the time). Things had moved very quickly and I know he got scared. He's more like a female when it comes to the emotional crap and had been burned bad by his exes. One he was still in love with. Apparently "C" wanted her back for a while then told me that he was actually in love with me and not her, but uses her as his scapegoat out of relationships because he doesn't want to get close to anyone and that is what he did with me. Now, I semi believe this only because he told me so last summer, too. And because of some things he told my neighbor (one of his good friends). He said it was the idea of her and what they had and that he was too afraid to totally open up his heart to me after everything in his past. Umm... Ok!?

When "C" and I broke up I was devastated. I had stopped dealing with Tom's death right after we met and hung onto "C" and our relationship so tightly for fear of having to think about Tom and what that really meant in my life. I couldn't handle thinking about Tom and my loss and did everything I could to run away from it, including rushing into another relationship. When we broke up I was now faced with two broken hearts and could barely breathe. This was when everyone saw me Really go down hill in life. I was drunk every single day for weeks. I didn't know how survive without a drink, but I hit rock bottom and somehow forced myself to deal with it all. I finally dealt with Tom's death. Oh God that was hard! I had to learn to accept my being a widow and losing the love of my life once and for all. I sat at home SOBER for several days watching every god-awful heart wrenching movie that I could trying to get all my tears out that I had stifled for months.

Then it was time to let go of "C" but he never let me. Every single time I tried to cut it off and let go he would try to pull me back in. This has gone on since we broke up 5 months ago. He stopped for a little while when I started dating someone else, but it was short lived. All that is for Part 2 of this blog to come later.

I want to go back for a minute and talk about dating in general. We all walk a different path in life. It is so easy to judge. I know I have done it and still do, but when I catch myself doing it I then try to remind myself that I don't know what that person is thinking or what their life has been like. How can I sit here and say that what they are doing is wrong? There have been many days in this past year that just keeping myself alive is the hardest thing I can do. I know what it's like to have such emense pain that nothing matters. How we choose to live and survive shouldn't be judged, it should be accepted even if you think it's wrong. We can all sit here and say "Oh, I'd never do that." But that is total BS! Tom's aunt was a widow around my age and had been with her husband longer than Tom and I were together. When she told me she started dating 5 months out I judged her because I couldn't understand until I met "C." Then I realized that my love for Tom would never change, but that didn't mean I could never be happy or love someone else, too.

And now I am going to the beach so the rest of my blog will come in a day or two...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Other Side

"I'd like to offer my condolances on your loss..." It sounds so formal and cold, but we are limited on what we can say in this situation. "I understand what you are going through..." Well, in some ways this is true, yet no one trully understands what another is going through, not totally. Yes, I too am a widow, and yes I too lost my husband to suicide, but other than that well, there may not be many similarities, I don't know. We have never talked, but I know your son well. He is very dear to my heart and in turn, so are you-- even more so now because of this commonality that I regret we share. I am truly sorry that you are going through this (all of you). I am one year out and I can say that when I heard the news of your husband it evoked so much emotion within me that I could barely drive leaving your son's house. Oh, the pain was mine all over again for my own husband, and in those first hours of the news, the pain was for your son, too, whom as you probably know I love so dearly.

That day I talked to my good friend who had helped me through my first few months more than anyone else until I met your son (when I met him, he also greatly held me together, however he never realized just how much so). I said to that friend, "So this is what it's like to be on the other side? This sucks. I feel so helpless." She could relate to that statement as she too felt that way with me. I didn't know what to say or do for him. I wanted to go home with him as he faced this horrible news. He declined, but I think he knew he could have (and still can) turn to me whenever he needs a friend who will listen to him.
I thought about you as well and how dificult it must be to spend so many years together and raise 4 children and have grandchildren and now at this point in your life together to face this tragedy. I remember very well the moment I felt most alone. It was at my husband's funeral (atually one year ago today) when I saw his parents there together, his brothers had their girlfriends and his sisters had their husbands, and I... well, I sat there with the deepest pain I've ever felt and realized that they all had that "someone" to comfort them in their grief, but the person who was supposed to comfort me in my worst moments in life was the person laying in front of us all-- the person we had all gathered to mourn.

I am so saddened to know that you and your family are now traveling this journey. It truly breaks my heart. I want to offer the words that everyone gave me "you are not alone." But those were the words that infuriated me most. How dare They tell me I am not alone! How could they even think to say such words? "I AM alone!" is all I wanted to scream at them (and perhaps I did a time or two). And while those words-- and all words really-- sound trite, I offer them to you now anyway. I do not know your personal journey, and right now with it being so fresh, you may not truly know it either as it may change many times along the way, however, I say this to you for whatever it's worth-- to you, your son, and any other widow as well-- I am here to listen. I will do whatever I can and if I say the wrong thing, please tell me. I do not mean to offend, nor will I be offended by your honesty.

I can not offer much for I do not know the answers myself, but I will do all that I can. Your son will forever hold a special place in my heart and so too shall you. Suicide is an unfortunate common bond I wish no one had to share, but as we walk our journey's seperately we can also walk them together and be of strength to others. I still feel as though I am not far along, but the freshness of pain has had a year to settle and with that comes a different perspective. I wish there was a way to take away your pain. We would all take pain away from those we care about if we had that power, but it's something we must face. We must sit in it and deal with it, and while we must do so alone, we really never are totally alone. I am here Anytime... Anytime!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

One Year (and a few days) Later

May seem scattered, but I'm watching Barbie with Avery and writing this at the same time...

Well, it has now been One YEAR since Tom died. I really can't believe that I made it through, that the first year is over and I Survived! I feel sad and accomplished by this fact. I feel like I'm stronger because some days I didn't know if I'd make it to the next, but I did. I feel sad because it's been a whole year without my love. I used to be so in love with life and living and that died with Tom. I want to feel that way again. Some people say the second year is harder. I'm not sure yet if that is true. I know that in some ways it has been more painful, but I think that is just because I'm no longer in a fog, but at the same time I have found this inner strength that tells me I can go on because I have made it this far.

The 10th was hard. I spent most of the day driving to Arlington. I tried to think of other things that would keep my mind off of Tom, but as 1:00pm approached I got more and more anxious. See, at 1:04PM on May 10, 2010 Tom called me to say his final goodbye. Minutes later he died. On Thursday May 13, 2010, Jena and I were in Verizon. I wanted a new phone because I didn't want anything to happen to the one that had all the saved text messages from Tom on it. So, while in Verizon the song "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat came on. It was the first time I had ever heard it and I lost it, bawling my eyes out in the middle of the store. I feel like there was so much I didn't get to say to Tom before he died. Ever since then that song has completely reminded me of him... Ok, so at 1:04PM this May 10th, one year to the minute after my last phone call from Tom, while I was on my way to see him in Arlington, that song came on the radio. I lost it! Then I was ok again until I actually saw his name on his headstone.

I spent almost an hour crying laying on his grave. I felt so peaceful there and at home. I wanted to stay and take a nap... and just camp out and never leave. I had such a headache from crying so hard and got back on the road to go to my Mom's house. It was so hard to leave him. I know that may seem strange and it's not like I think he's really there, but somehow I feel closer to him. Ok, well, on to year two...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Anxious and Decision

I'm feeling anxious once again. I hate this feeling... like a lot! I think I can tell that something is about to change in my life and I don't know what to expect. I get so worried that it's going to be something really bad. Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times? Well, other times I just Know it's bad and that really scares me. I think this time it's going to be something sad. I don't know what it is, but I kind of have an idea. I guess it's one of those things, though, that is out of my control (pretty much like everything in life), so I'm just trying to stay positive about it all and remember that everything happens for a reason, though ususally have no idea what the reason is.

I texted my ex today. I asked his advice on taking Nathan to see you on the 10th, Tommy, because I've gotten mixed reactions about it. It made me cry after I realzied the significance of what I did. I asked my ex to help me make a decision on our son, Tom. When I'm not sure what is best for our children I should be asking you what I should do. We should be making all decisions about Nathan and Avery together-- not that the ex and I made this decision together, but I wanted his opinion as a Dad himself and as a friend to me. But he and I aren't together anymore. It was strange that I thought instinctively to ask him. We've been broken up for 3 months and have had a rocky time since then, but my first thought was "What would [the ex] tell me to do in this situation?" I trusted his opinion on it and felt comforted by his response. It's almost like he brought me a little peace... on several different levels today. That is a complicated situation if ever there was one, but I'm glad that there is someone to whom I can turn and trust to be there when I need it-- especially in that capacity.

I would love to one day have that one man in my life that I can share a family with again; that man that will be there for me and for our kids, but until God brings him or reveals him to me, then I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a friend I can lean on. I guess I need to be thankful for the things I do have and the needs that God does meet for me that sometimes I overlook. Strange how my mind starts one place and ends another.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

11 Months... And My Tattoo

Well, let's start with the fact that today is April 10th which means 11 months ago was the last time I saw you, the last time I felt your skin, the last time I smelled you, the last time I felt your arms hold me, the last time I heard your voice. Since that day life has been filled with many firsts: the first week, first wedding anniversary, first month, first birthday, first holidays... and now we are one month away from the big one-- the first year anniversary. I had a converstation not long ago with a fellow widow (Karie) who has this big day coming up in a few days. We talked about how terrified we are of that day for ourselves because we know that people will look at us and say that we should be "OK" now that the first year of mourning is over. They think that day must be magic and it's like once that first year is over then we will be our "normal" selves again. It ends our grace period and people will start to expect more from us.

Why? Why does everyone else want to decide how we should act and when it should start? I mean I loved you for 9 years, don't I get more than 1 to miss you and love you and feel like my heart is still being ripped out of my chest? I don't think I helped my cause any by dating someone else for 6 months. Yes, yes I ran into the arms of a man who I thought was heaven sent-- he wasn't. He broke what little I had left... but that's for another time. Point being, I think those close to me saw this and assumed that I "Must be doing fine." IDIOTS! All of them! What I did in that situation is run away from dealing with your death. Then when he broke up with me I dealt. It was hard! It SUCKED! But it was real. And I needed it. I needed to face it and to learn to live on my own for the first time ever. I did that. I feel "whole" again, and when I say whole I mean as a person. Not my heart. Not the pain that will
always be there. I miss you. I know you know that, but I still tell you all the time. Some days are easier, but since March 14th when the first gun incident took place somehow my pain has been brought to the surface.
It's like no matter how hard I try to run, I can't out run it.

Last weekend was BAD. I was so emotional. I got a text from a friend that read "Hey Hooker. What is going on? Everytime I look at facebook you're having a mental break down." Oh and for the record becuase this is the internet and people are IDIOTS-- as has been stated already-- I am NOT a hooker! She was just joking, but I thought it funny to include that part of the text... Anyway, yes, yes I was having a bit of an emotional time.
Last weekend marked the one year of the "Easter Incident" as has been labled by me. Which leads me into the story of my tattoo... You like my segway? LOL...

Let's start with what I got; It's the Hebrew letters for hoshana. Why would I get that? Why woud I get a tattoo at all when I think they are pretty trashy especially on females? Well, first of all to those who may be offended by me calling tattoos trashy, 1. Get over it. I don't care if my opinion offends you, you should only care what your opinion is and 2. I obviously got one anyway, so... Ok, I got it because since you died Tom, I have wanted one that was menaingful and somehow connected to you. My first thoughts last year were a Gold Star or Gold Star Flag, or a cross with your initials in it. Later I also thought about getting this one. To me it's the most meaningful.

Let's briefly talk about The Easter Incident and how it was that which lead to the circumstances of your death.... Cliff's notes version of the story is: The day before Easter we got in a fight. It was a bad one. You were trying to pick a fight with me all day. I kept telling you to quit, but I knew you wouldn't. I'm not sure why, but you pushed my bottons and I snapped! I laid into you and yelled and let out everything I had been holding in for TWO YEARS. Well, you were sitting at the desk and stood up without saying anything. I knew-- I KNEW what was about to happen and I tried to beat you there. I didn't, but I fought you for it-- the 45-- it was loaded and I'm almost positive the safety was off. The way I grabbed it had the gun pointing towards me-- not intentionally, just how it happened. You pushed me off, we ended up outside, you tried to get in your truck, I tried to stop you. I told you to give me the gun or I'd call the cops. I started to while still fighting with you, but all of a sudden your eyes changed. The kids were watching from the front door and when I saw that look-- one that I never thought I'd see in your eyes-- I knew to get out of the way.

Fast forward a few hours because the other details don't matter to this story (some of those don't either, but...). I never felt so scared for your life as I did that night-- not even the day you actually did take your life. It was THAT night that I truly believed you were going to die. I called everyone-- even my Pastor to pray for you. I was convinced that it was over. So many details, left for another day, but yes, it was that night I threw myself on the ground.

I don't remember everything clearly now, but sometime around then or before then I had taken a Beth Moore Bible Study at church and she talked about how every day we were supposed to get on our faces before God. I think I tried it for like 30 seconds one time and that was it. I just felt strange or something doing it. I just had a hard time with it. Not that night. That night I was sprawled out on the floor sobbing, crying out to God to save you.

For those who don't know, the word hosanna is used as a word of adoration and praise for God by Christians. Hosanna or really hoshana in the Hebrew means "save now" or "please save." Around this time Hilsong had a song out called "Hosanna" and it happened to be playing on the computer at one point during the night's events. I kept playing it over and over. Praising God for all his blessings, but more importantly calling out hosanna-- please save/ save now to God to save you, Tommy. I needed you to come home more than ever that night. I prayed that He would save you. I was flat on my face praying for you over and over and trying to trust that He would bring you home safe. I cried that whole night. I can't explain the emense amount of relief when I saw your headlights in the drive way. He did save you that night. It took you 8 anxiety pills to calm you down enough to bring you home, but really it was God. We drove to DC the next morning for our final family vacation for the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. The events of that night and calling the police is what set the stage for "The End."

Fast forward to a little over a month ago. I'm going to this church and they had a night of worship and one of the songs they played was Hosanna by Hilsong. The woman's voice who sang it was haunting. It was amazing and hearing it for the first time since probably you died, was emotional and I cried a bit. I played that song maybe 70 times in the next few days. At first it was a song that brought back pain and hurt, but somehow over those few days the song became one of healing and peace. I looked at it differently. I didn't feel like God had let me down by letting you die. I felt like God had saved you for 5 more weeks. He gave us an amazing gift by allowing you to come home that night. He did save you and in those 5 weeks you and I had some moments of healing and restoration and love that I will forever cherish. I will always wish and want you here with us, but I am trying to be thankful for what I call the "extra time" with you that I didn't believe we would have that night.

I guess this tattoo stands as a reminder to me what was given to us and what could have been that night as well as a reminder that God does save. It may not always be everything we want and ask for, but sometimes it's more than we think we'll get. I'm still on shaky ground with God, but I feel closer than I have since your death. I miss you and love you and so do our babies.

Love always and forever,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I saw a guy

So I saw a guy the other night that looks just like from the profile. I think it was mostly his lips and nose that stopped me in my tracks. God it hurt to see him. He had blue eyes though and seeing them helped-- a little-- to not bawl my eyes out. My heart sank and I wanted you so badly. As we were leaving I said to Jena "What do you do when you see a complete stranger and all you want to do is run up and kiss him because he looks just like your husband?" She replied with "Um, you made the right decision by walking away." I'm sure that is true, haha. I wish I could kiss you again.

Miss you and Love you!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wake Up Call?

Ok so after all that happened last night and then having a good conversation with someone dear to my heart today, I know I really need to get myself together. So, that is what I'm going to do.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

26+ for you... How many for me???? Then pain was supposed to get better. Not worse. I screw everything up. Nothing is left.... Sorry....

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I wrote this years ago when a guy I grew up with killed himself. It was the first time I had ever dealt with suicide and it was hard even though we weren't close. I didn't know how to deal with it and was constantly dreaming about him. I came across it today and put your name where his was. I've had many dreams about you and you didn't seem to know that you were gone in the beginning (I didn't either in a lot of those dreams which made it so much harder when I'd wake up thinking you were there).

you stand there smiling, gazing at me
i know that your gone, but how can that be
it happens when i'm sleeping, i know that it's you
you tell me you're alive, but i know it's not true
i wish that it were, then the pain would go away
for everyone to have you for just one more day
i don't believe that you wanted to die
now you're trying to reach out, but i do not know why
am i the one bringing you here
or can somehow i help you end your tears
what can i say, what can i do
tommy please tell me, i'll do it for you

Thursday, January 13, 2011

"Untitled" Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Guilty as Charged

This guilt is really getting to me. And I don't like the person it's turning me into. I cant' seem to get a handle on it. I feel so much guilt for your death and fear of what our children will think of me when they are older and start blaming me, too. I never meant for any of this to happen. I can't seem to forgive myself. It's really eating at me right now. All of it is. The role I played in your death and everything I've done since. I should be acting perfectly, but I just went downward. I need strength and forgiveness, but I can't allow it for myself for some reason. Maybe because I don't feel I deserve it? But what about what I'm doing to those around me? They don't deserve the crap I've been dealing out. I wish I could get it together.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

8 months, 2 days

I'm sorry Tommy. I miss you. I love you.


Waiting For The End lyrics

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

2011 A New Year Full Of...

We are 6 days into the new year and let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse everyday. Indirectly it's because of you Thomas... oh yeah I just used it so you know I'm mad! Well, actually some of it is really directly because of you-- nothing in my life would be as it is if it weren't for you and your death.

I thought I had found some happiness and some peace, but it's not looking so good now. It's just one more thing I've lost-- oh and I got a phone call today that in some ways I suspected for months I would get, but really hoped I was wrong. I told the person I was too angry to talk right then and I'd have to call them back.

To tell you the truth Thomas, I hate you for this one. I really truly HATE YOU for causing this situation. It's not like I haven't played a big part in it since you died, but it was your death that did it and I told you the day before that you were going to cause damage if you killed yourself. Your response was ridiculous and messed up. You hurt so many people by taking your life. Most importantly was our children.
I HATE YOU for that!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone made the comment that your death was a gift that will continue to give forever and obviously not in a good way. I wish you were alive so I could yell at you, though I may never stop and I kind of want to throw something at you too right now! I haven't been this angry at you before over your death, but today I can't stop the feeling. I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what the right thing and the best thing to do for everyone is and I just can't seem to figure it out.

I want the right answers and I want happiness for the kids and for me. That is what I want this year and so far it's so not looking good!