I play my iPod and put it on shuffle while I'm taking a shower and getting ready for the day. Well, for the past 2 weeks or so (all except for 3 days) while I am in the shower my iPod has been playing songs that remind me of Tom. When I get out of the shower though, it plays songs that remind me of my ex-bf. It's a little weird-- and by a little I mean a lot.
The night before this first started happening I learned of the death of a guy from Tom's unit (later found out there were 2 others). So I was already upset over this news, then the songs started playing first thing in the morning. I cried a little and then went to work. I figured it would be a good distraction and was looking forward to it. Haha! So I am standing there as my manager is going over "game day" with the associates working that day including my good friend Kate and a brand new guy. And of course what starts to play? Yup of course, one of the songs that can bring me to my knees when I'm in a widow mood.
I start to cry and run into the back. Kate comes back and turns the song off. I went back out and thankfully we had a shipment come in that day and he kept me working in the back on that. I couldn't deal with people that day. Later I was talking to another manager about it and he said he heard, and knew it was the "wrong song" that set me off.
Now I understand that not everyone has had to deal with death and not everyone who does will deal with it the same way. I really do understand this, but the other day at work my "widow breakdown" got brought up and one of the newer employees who was not there really pissed me off. He asked what made me cry and I said it was a song that reminded me of my husband. His response: "Are you that sensitive that a song made you cry?" I didn't particularly like the way he said it either. I had a few choice words for him... I kept them in my head, but I wanted to explain to this person what it's like to be a widow, what it's like to have the love of your life die and to miss this man everyday of your life, to wake up every morning without him next to you knowing you won't see or talk to him again and to go to bed every night alone knowing that you won't see him the next day either or ever again. I wanted to explain that we don't choose when or what will trigger us to break down and cry and that sometimes I can listen to that song (and many others) and won't even blink an eye, but sometimes... sometimes when the circumstances are just right that little things like a smell or a song or a memory will bring us to our knees at a moments notice.
I was really mad at this guy, but I let it go. Well, I let it go at work and decided to write about it here instead. If crying over the fact that my husband died makes me "sensitive" I will always be considered sensitive and I am ok with that.