Too Much To Handle

I wonder how long I need to lay low and stay off the radar before life can go back to being the way I need and want it to be? It would be awesome if I had a remote like on the movie "Click" --without the bad side effects. Besides going back and changing the obvious, right now I really would like to fast forward to being a part of the real world again. For now I'm just trying to focus on me and calm the waters. They have always been a little choppy in my life, but since Tom died the waters have had outrageous waves and my boat is about to capsize if I don't do something now and I don't know how to swim, nor can I find a life vest, so before I totally spin my life out of control to where I can't handle it anymore, I will change it.

I talked to Jena about life in the past few months and I love that she is totally honest with me about everything and doesn't sugar coat it. People are shocked when they hear our conversations because we give each other such raw honesty that most people wonder how we are still friends. The thing is that we both appreciate the honesty that most people are afraid of and know that even when we say something that may hurt the other's feelings, it's truth and it comes from a place of love and respect. We try to build each other up and when one needs to get kicked in the butt to get in gear we can always trust the advice of the other.

So, not only have I been overwhelmed myself lately, I have also been overwhelming to others. I wish I had talked to her about this sooner, but better late than never. I have been seeing my life spinning, but I think when I put it out there to some fellow widows that I Needed widow time and then saw that a few of them got together without me it was a realization that I have been too much to handle. I'll be honest and say that it's not Just since Tom that I get like this. There have been several times in life that I have become so stuck on my own life and having pitty parties and had the attitude that the world revolves around me, but it's been like this for a much longer time frame now since Tom's death. I'm not proud of it, nor do I like it. I don't like myself right now, so how could others like me at this point? But I see it, and I am changing it.

I need to get back to the gym again and start eating right because I am a Totally different person when I go to the gym and at least attempt to eat healthy. It's amazing the difference in my personality and attitude when I work out vs. when I don't. I'm such a better person when I work out. I am more positive, have energy, and I'm more likable (to others and myself). I guess tomorrow I should start being serious about it again-- diet and gym!

As I write this the U2 song 'Stuck in Moment' came on. "It's just a moment, this time will pass." I guess as I started this I was thinking how nice it would be to have that remote and fast forward life, but ya know, this is just a moment in my life and while I always search for the quick fixes in life I have learned (and by learnED I mean learnING) that there aren't quick fixes and that is just the way life goes. I just have to relax and live and it will get there. Time goes by fast and my life will be where it needs to be sooner than later with the right attitude and mind set. I just need to not worry about anything else and just enjoy the ride.