Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Widow's Dating World (Part 2)

This has been in the draft box since June. I suppose it's time to post what I wrote then with a little editing that is needed on the story...

Why do some widows choose to date so soon after while others wait longer or never agian? There are just as many reasons as there are widows and I would be doing a diservice if I tried to answer for anyone else, but I can say that I have heard some say they will never date again because "he was it, there will never be anyone else for me" and for them if no one else can compare then there is no point. Others just want to ease the pain or fill the void or are really truly ready for something more. Each widow has her reasons and it's not right to sit there and make assumptions as to what they may be.

As for me? Well, the day before Tom killed himself he told me it was time for him to step back and let some other man take over his family. This obviously floored me and left me speechless and I tried to tell him he was wrong. Well, less than 24 hours later I became a widow. I didn't think about dating for a while and really hated the idea of someone else "taking over" Tom's roll. But at the same time as time went on I knew I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father. I loved nothing more than having a family and wanted that again. The last few years with Tom were hard (I've discussed this before) and I already felt a little alone, not that anything compared to when he died, mind you.

The idea of ever dating again within the first few weeks was only there because of what Tom said and I felt like it was my duty to find my kids a dad. But then it became about me. I went through what many would call a selfish phase in my life and to be honest I wouldn't say I'm completely out of it (though every decision I have made since last June with my kids has been because I believe it's what is best for them). Dating someone (and rightfully so) became about me-- who made me happy and who was best for me. And if the person is right for me then obviously the person will be right for my kids, too. But my kids weren't the focus. I may have lost sight of that a few times and thought about settling for their sake, but as fate would have it, that never came to pass.

So I started going to the gym at the beginning of the year and one of the trainers and I got into a conversation about how I am a Marine's widow and how he is a former Marine. He told me about his friend and how we should hang out sometime. Eventually it happened and we hit it off. We will call him "K." Well "K" and "C" aren't really the best of friends which makes this a little... interesting for us all since they worked together. "K" is really different and was really hard to figure out. He said he didn't do drama, and really, I never really experienced drama with him-- except for the drama I created. All my life has been for 4 years is drama. It's all I know. I think the 'no drama' is one of the things I really liked about "K" but I didn't know how to handle it.

"K" and I dated a little while and he really helped me heal after "C" and get stronger. He showed me what kind of man I want. And honestly, when I was with him I felt "safe." The same kind of safe I did with Tom. I had a hard time letting go of that, but I think "K" also played games with me (yes even with not being able to figure him out or what he was really doing with me I still felt safe-- so hard to explain). And when I say games I mean No Where near on the level that "C" did, but for a while I totally allowed it. We don't talk anymore and truthfully it makes me sad. I have so much respect for "K" as a Marine and a man. That is something that I find so rare anymore-- being able to have that kind of respect for a man. He's the "bad ass" type, but when we were together he treated me well. I know it may seem silly, but he actually got me a Mother's Day card and even now I have to say that is one of the sweetest things ever. It meant so much to me. "C" didn't even send me a Happy Birthday Text until half way through the day of my b-day and we had known each other a while longer. Even with the way things turned out with "K" I still only have positive things to say and probably always will. When I picture in my mind what a Marine Should look like, he comes to mind as the epitomy of the perfect Marine-- maybe needs some work in the relationship area, but I think I should just blame myself for falling for guys that are still in love with their exes, lol.

Learning lessons the hard way seems to be the only way I learn them. Maybe one day I will take the easy route... Maybe, lol.

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