Dear Tommy,
I have to do a timeline of events for NCIS starting back in 2007. It made me really think about what we've been through and especially the past few months. I started to think about how your Command put a MPO on you even though I didn't want it. They said it would only be about 3 days, but it was 14. They said I could talk to you everyday, but I could barely get a hold of them and they only let me talk to you once (well that they knew of). We weren't supposed to communicate at all, but we did it anyway. The MPO started on a Monday and you came home for the weekend on that Friday night. When I saw you there walking in our front door my heart raced with relief and excitement. I had tried for 2 days to get a hold of your command and I didn't know what was going on. I was so thankful to see you, scared you'd get in trouble, but so happy! I cried when you hugged me. I had missed you SO much and I know you felt the same. That was why you took the chance. You wanted to be with me as desperately as I wanted you. It felt like you were gone on a deployment and we had been away for a long time. I remember how you felt, how you smelled, and how you made me feel so loved and needed. We hugged for what seemed like forever, neither of us wanting to let go. You held me so close that whole night. That whole weekend really. You came home the following weekend, too.
Those two weekends were probably the best we've had in a long time. They were just so full of love and not being able to get enough of each other. I would actually use the word "perfect" to describe them. We haven't had many "perfect" times in the past few years. It was so nice, so comforting, so hopeful. How did it go from hopeful to this? Oh, dear God I wish that you were just in the barracks right now and any day you'd come home to us. I want to feel you in my arms again. I want you to say "I love you" without the tears and fear and most importantly without the goodbye that went with those words just moments before your life ended. I want to hear them in the excited way telling me you've missed me and are glad to be home. Home, hmm... Home doesn't really mean the same thing anymore. If "Home is where the heart is" then I couldn't be able to tell you where home Truly is because I don't know where you are. What I do know is that you are not where you should be and since my heart is with you it's lost to me until I'm with you again.
Love always,
Katie
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Music Makes Me Think
Dear Tommy,
I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of you and I just think back to all the things that made those songs memorable. I'm listening to Cyndi Thomson right now. That CD is still working after 9 years! It's amazing, lol. I remember laying in your arms on the couch in your basement "forcing" you to watch CMT with me! You hated it, but did it anyway. Now that's love! ;) I was obsessed with her music when she first came out and some of her songs really rang true for me at different times.
Now I just think back to when we were first dating and how I'd stay at your house as long as possible before driving back to college. You'd call me first thing on the days you cut school and any chance I could I'd cut class and come see you. I know how much your parents tried to get you to go to school and I'd half-heartedly tell you the same, but I'd love those early morning phone calls "I'm at home. Come see me." Yes, me the older college student corrupting the young high school senior, haha! Not really, but I'm sure I could have done a better job convincing you to go to school. I would have stayed at La Salle if it wasn't for you. It was only an hour drive, but I wanted so desperately to be closer to you.
I felt so safe in your arms. You've always felt like HOME. We'd just be there together for hours not needing to talk much because it was the unspoken that said the most-- your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes telling me that I was the only one and no one else compared. You told me some amazing things, too and I always said you should write a book of lines for guys to use because you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that ever felt that special. Oh, but the look, Tommy, was what melted my heart and captured me forever. You Still had that look for me and it's burned into my soul. No one can take that from me and I'll hold onto it forever. You know it's that look, that feeling of 'home' that I'll miss the most. That incredible love that was always there deep in our souls.
No one could ever make me feel that way again, Tommy. And really, I agree with my new "widow friend" that I wouldn't want that. You are so special and I don't want to know that with anyone else. She's been a widow for 6 years and at least she's honest and says that it'll always hurt and it won't go away. Her husband was a Marine, too. So it's a little different in that way where we can relate to this life that others can not understand. She spent 2 1/2 hours one night talking to me which was a great help. They were high school sweethearts and and had some of the same experiences after war that we did. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it's nice to have someone understand where I am at and not pity me or even judge me or ask the same dreaded questions all the time.
Don't get me wrong am I SO, SO thankful for everyone's support, but with Andrea I can sit there and say how I really feel and she knows exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to either lie to everyone else and say I'm OK or fine. Because when I tell the truth as to how I'm feeling, well, I feel bad and I think I make them uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those situations that no one knows how to handle or what to say and people walk on egg shells. I just know that if they weren't there helping me through this, well, I may not be writing this right now. Well, I miss you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm going to bed hoping that I'll see you in my dreams.
Love your wife,
Katie
I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of you and I just think back to all the things that made those songs memorable. I'm listening to Cyndi Thomson right now. That CD is still working after 9 years! It's amazing, lol. I remember laying in your arms on the couch in your basement "forcing" you to watch CMT with me! You hated it, but did it anyway. Now that's love! ;) I was obsessed with her music when she first came out and some of her songs really rang true for me at different times.
Now I just think back to when we were first dating and how I'd stay at your house as long as possible before driving back to college. You'd call me first thing on the days you cut school and any chance I could I'd cut class and come see you. I know how much your parents tried to get you to go to school and I'd half-heartedly tell you the same, but I'd love those early morning phone calls "I'm at home. Come see me." Yes, me the older college student corrupting the young high school senior, haha! Not really, but I'm sure I could have done a better job convincing you to go to school. I would have stayed at La Salle if it wasn't for you. It was only an hour drive, but I wanted so desperately to be closer to you.
I felt so safe in your arms. You've always felt like HOME. We'd just be there together for hours not needing to talk much because it was the unspoken that said the most-- your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes telling me that I was the only one and no one else compared. You told me some amazing things, too and I always said you should write a book of lines for guys to use because you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that ever felt that special. Oh, but the look, Tommy, was what melted my heart and captured me forever. You Still had that look for me and it's burned into my soul. No one can take that from me and I'll hold onto it forever. You know it's that look, that feeling of 'home' that I'll miss the most. That incredible love that was always there deep in our souls.
No one could ever make me feel that way again, Tommy. And really, I agree with my new "widow friend" that I wouldn't want that. You are so special and I don't want to know that with anyone else. She's been a widow for 6 years and at least she's honest and says that it'll always hurt and it won't go away. Her husband was a Marine, too. So it's a little different in that way where we can relate to this life that others can not understand. She spent 2 1/2 hours one night talking to me which was a great help. They were high school sweethearts and and had some of the same experiences after war that we did. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it's nice to have someone understand where I am at and not pity me or even judge me or ask the same dreaded questions all the time.
Don't get me wrong am I SO, SO thankful for everyone's support, but with Andrea I can sit there and say how I really feel and she knows exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to either lie to everyone else and say I'm OK or fine. Because when I tell the truth as to how I'm feeling, well, I feel bad and I think I make them uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those situations that no one knows how to handle or what to say and people walk on egg shells. I just know that if they weren't there helping me through this, well, I may not be writing this right now. Well, I miss you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm going to bed hoping that I'll see you in my dreams.
Love your wife,
Katie
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