Monday, May 24, 2010

Music Makes Me Think

Dear Tommy,

I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of you and I just think back to all the things that made those songs memorable. I'm listening to Cyndi Thomson right now. That CD is still working after 9 years! It's amazing, lol. I remember laying in your arms on the couch in your basement "forcing" you to watch CMT with me! You hated it, but did it anyway. Now that's love! ;) I was obsessed with her music when she first came out and some of her songs really rang true for me at different times.

Now I just think back to when we were first dating and how I'd stay at your house as long as possible before driving back to college. You'd call me first thing on the days you cut school and any chance I could I'd cut class and come see you. I know how much your parents tried to get you to go to school and I'd half-heartedly tell you the same, but I'd love those early morning phone calls "I'm at home. Come see me." Yes, me the older college student corrupting the young high school senior, haha! Not really, but I'm sure I could have done a better job convincing you to go to school. I would have stayed at La Salle if it wasn't for you. It was only an hour drive, but I wanted so desperately to be closer to you.

I felt so safe in your arms. You've always felt like HOME. We'd just be there together for hours not needing to talk much because it was the unspoken that said the most-- your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes telling me that I was the only one and no one else compared. You told me some amazing things, too and I always said you should write a book of lines for guys to use because you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that ever felt that special. Oh, but the look, Tommy, was what melted my heart and captured me forever. You Still had that look for me and it's burned into my soul. No one can take that from me and I'll hold onto it forever. You know it's that look, that feeling of 'home' that I'll miss the most. That incredible love that was always there deep in our souls.

No one could ever make me feel that way again, Tommy. And really, I agree with my new "widow friend" that I wouldn't want that. You are so special and I don't want to know that with anyone else. She's been a widow for 6 years and at least she's honest and says that it'll always hurt and it won't go away. Her husband was a Marine, too. So it's a little different in that way where we can relate to this life that others can not understand. She spent 2 1/2 hours one night talking to me which was a great help. They were high school sweethearts and and had some of the same experiences after war that we did. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it's nice to have someone understand where I am at and not pity me or even judge me or ask the same dreaded questions all the time.

Don't get me wrong am I SO, SO thankful for everyone's support, but with Andrea I can sit there and say how I really feel and she knows exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to either lie to everyone else and say I'm OK or fine. Because when I tell the truth as to how I'm feeling, well, I feel bad and I think I make them uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those situations that no one knows how to handle or what to say and people walk on egg shells. I just know that if they weren't there helping me through this, well, I may not be writing this right now. Well, I miss you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm going to bed hoping that I'll see you in my dreams.

Love your wife,

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