Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"Happy" Anniversary

Dear Tommy,

"Happy" Anniversary, Tommy. This is not how I planned, hoped, or wanted to spend our 5th Anniversary. This year we were supposed to go all out for our anniversary and start really looking ahead because things were supposed to be good now. Obviously that is not the case. Last year we were at the zoo with the kids. That was fun. Remember the "Hoe-tell"! Nathan was talking about that the other day. It made me smile. But this year we were supposed to go away just the two of us.

They say that holidays, birthdays, anniversaries (wedding, date you died), will all be the hardest in the first year. This is the first of those days and I have the distinct feeling that it'll be a long one!

Some of the wonderful women from church know that today will be a very difficult day, so they decided that we'll all go out to lunch so I don't have to be alone at home. So, guess where we're going? Fuddruckers! lol. I have never been there before as you know, but I can't help but think of our favorite movie to watch together. I remember the first time we saw it; you loved it and I hated it! "Idiocracy" is such a fitting name for that movie, but each time we saw it I liked it more and more until it became our own 'cult classic.'

Wow, Tom, you and I have SO many inside jokes and funny lines that I don't even know if I can count that high, but there must be at least 7 just from that movie alone! (And what about Grandma's Boy? Oh I can't wait to get your phone back!) I said at your funeral how funny you are and how now I have no one to laugh with. I mean there is no one on this planet besides you that I could be in the middle of a conversation with and one of us busts out with "Blah blah blah... you gotta believe me" and have the other person falling to the ground laughing. Even those who have seen the movie wouldn't get "it." Not like we did, because it was ours. We made it our own.

We've done a lot of laughing lately and I'm so sad that you're not here to laugh with me anymore. I can't laugh now-- at least not like I used to. And not unless I'm using "widow humor" which apparently there are 'rules' for it, too. I mean yes, right now I get to play the 'widow card,' but people who aren't widows (or who aren't at that point yet) wouldn't find it appropriate. You know me, I jumped on that one by day 3. I was sitting in Verizon with Jena and made a bad joke which I followed up with "Too soon?" That's me. The tragic things are the ones I make jokes about because otherwise I'm on the floor crying the whole darn day. I just don't really handle grief well. I never have and honestly, I haven't had much experience with it. Wow, what a way to be introduced to tragedy, loss, and pain!

Yesterday was 2 weeks since you died. I went to NCIS for my official statement and the Special Agent was running late. While I was there someone walked in who had been there that day. As he started talking (not to me) and my body started shaking. It was as if I was hearing the news for the first time all over again. He was one of the people who tried to save you, but it couldn't be done. I had to identify the gun, too. It was hard, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I'd end up on the floor, but while I was upset I disconnected myself from it and just found myself with this huge desire to hold it. Obviously it's part of evidence and I couldn't, but I really wanted to. Somehow I felt that if I could hold it I could understand better what happened in those last minutes and feel what you were feeling. I could understand better where you were at that point.

Tommy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you were put in that situation. I'm sorry you were hurting so much. I'm sorry for everything. I pray you are at peace in heaven in the arms of God and that today on our Anniversary you can say that you are Happy. I miss you and I love you. I know you felt the same. I keep thinking about when you called me in the car to say "I love you" and goodbye. I don't know if you were on the phone long enough to hear me say it back, but I hope so. I hope you heard it one last time.

Love you always,

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