Sunday, May 30, 2010

My RING & Friday Night

Dear Tommy,

Well, as you know I had lost some weight and my wedding ring kept coming off. I went to get it sized the week before you died, but they said it would take 2 weeks. For some reason I couldn't part with it for 2 weeks and I'm so glad I didn't. I lost a little more weight after I found out about you. I was so terrified that now I really would lose it somewhere, so on our Anniversary I took it off and put it on my necklace right where yours is.
Friday night I went out with Jena and stopped by Kay's to get a ring guard. It's a little obvious and not cute because it's yellow gold. Well, while I was there I asked to see the diamond that you had bought me back in December-- the one I never got when we got married and always teased you about. ;) Wow, wasn't that a disaster from Nathan spoiling the surprise to me telling you to return it? I know, I know I could kick myself for that now. Not like you gave it to me in any special way (thanks Nathan, haha). My biggest reason for that was because I didn't think we could afford it. I wish I had kept it. I asked the lady working there if it would be strange for me to buy it now. She said no, she thought it was sweet. Jena walked in the store at that point and I asked her and she said I should. We were both holding back tears. I am not sure if I should get it-- how you'd feel about it, but I think I really want to.

So later we went to this bar called The Hideaway. I didn't know about it, not like I would or would have ever chosen to go there since I never really went out before. It was ok, I guess. I was doing "good" until I heard "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. I had to walk outside and I started to really cry. It was one of the songs you put on the CD you made for me before Afghanistan and obviously the words are fitting. Well, there was this woman, obviously inebriated, talking to Jena (who was sitting next to me) saying "I'll kick his ass, whoever he is for making her cry like that." Jena replied with "You can't." She felt so bad after I told her why I was crying and said she'd pray for me. I can hear you say in your sarcastic voice "Aw, isn't that nice." But really it is Tom. I have lots of people praying for me and the kids. And we Need those prayers because I sure as heck am not praying right now. I have no desire to pray. Do I still believe in the Lord as my Savior? Yes. Do I feel betrayed and abandoned right now? Yes. Do I want Anything to do with God? NO! But I'm thankful for those who care enough to pray.

So I talked to a new friend/ old acquaintance who is also a "Military Widow" and she warned me to be careful because there will be Marines crawling all over me if they know who I am... and boy was she Right! I was very surprised, Tom. I'm sure THAT doesn't surprise you! BUT I really am starting to not be so naive. I'm not surprised I got hit on, but that this guy did it even after he saw my total breakdown about my husband who died nearly 3 weeks ago! Wow, Tom, maybe I should take the advice about getting out of here. I feel that there are some things I need to do first, though. Maybe next year? I'm not sure yet. Time will tell what I should be doing... Should be doing? What I 'SHOULD' be doing is living my life With You! That is what I 'Should' be doing.

Love always,

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