So a few days ago I was walked through your last hours with the people who were there that day. It was very emotional, and towards the end I had a hard time keeping myself composed, but I managed fairly well. One person, I'm sure you know who, said that there was this peace he felt as he made eye contact with you. I know it sounds crazy. It sounded that way to me too, but somehow him telling me that helped me in some way. I don't know how to explain it; he didn't even know how to explain it, but he said that I have an angel watching over me right now and it was his sincerity that made me feel like maybe he is right. It was hard to hear some of what they said. It made me frustrated and feel let down. It could have been prevented, Tom. They could have done things differently and you would not have died. I know I made the phone call and I will forever take responsibility for that, especially knowing that the care you were getting wasn't the care that was best for you. But there were other things that could have been done, yes, that day absolutely, but even before that day. Its disheartening really and now I have to find a way to keep living. Well, surviving is more like it.
Everyone keeps commenting on how strong I am. Is that one of those catch phrases that everyone feels obligated to say? "Your strong, you'll get through this." I am glad that there are a few people who are honest enough to tell me the truth-- it will Always hurt! Mostly the ones who are honest are the people who have lost someone close (either a child or a husband). I wish that people didn't think so highly of my capabilities to cope with this. They have no idea. I am NOT strong! I want to scream it from the highest building I can find. I. AM. NOT. STRONG! I am living in denial, pretending you are coming home. I would say if anything, that makes me weak. I cannot deal with the pain. I cannot deal with the guilt. Normally I wear my heart on my sleeve, but not this time. This time I am keeping it bottled up. Yes, sometimes I break down and cry in front of people, but they don't see the full effect. I can't allow that. I'm trying, Tom. I'm trying to do this for you, for our kids, but right now I wish I a delete button. Just one do-over is all I ask for and this would be the time I use it. I'm living in la-la land on that one, but I still have hope for a time machine, lol.
The kids are doing alright, I guess. Nathan has been at the neighbor's house a lot. Avery has now started to ask to go there, too. She got a tricycle and he put it together for her and he put Nathan's T-ball set together, too. But, oh boy would you have been MAD at Nathan! He took a pen and colored on the wall AND our new recliner! He does NOT want to listen to me (no it's worse than before). He tries to tell Avery what to do and she in turn tells him what to do. It's too funny when she does it. She's a little Mommy, pointing her finger and saying, "Stop it Nathan!" It's good that they have each other. I hope they stay close as the grow up. It's great to watch them do fun and silly things, like Avery pushing Nathan on her pink tricycle. I was watching them yesterday and it was one of those moments that I wanted to call to you and say, "Come look at the kids." Then we'd laugh At them together (But they would think we were laughing With them!) It's moments like this that I have a hard time getting through. I can't just call to you or call you on the phone or send you an email or text with a picture. I can't do any of those things. I can't tell you all the funny stories about our beautiful children and you can't watch them grow up with me. I will never forget what you said to me 3 weeks ago tonight. I knew Tom, I knew how serious it was. And you were wrong Tom, you were so wrong.
Miss you & Love you,