BIG LOVE

Dear Tommy,

Well, Thomas-- Oh yeah I just called you Thomas! I am a bit frustrated today. I'm sure you know this since last night was a little... um... out of control. I was about to lose it and asked you, well, no scratch that. I TOLD you that you better find a way to get someone here and help me because I just couldn't do it and not even 20 minutes later (just as I saw Avery and the carpet covered in paint) the door bell rings and it's Jena. I was about to flip out on whoever was there to solicit cookies, donations, or Kirby vacuums (again), but thank God that it was Jena and I immediately calmed down knowing that everything would be ok. Well, it's not all ok since Nathan is so out of hand and I'm not sure how to deal with him, but for the moment I kept the little sanity that I still have left. I'm getting angry at you more and not feeling As Much guilt about the anger when things like this happen. I have no control and the whole "Wait until Daddy gets home" doesn't work, and neither does "Daddy would be so (insert: angry, upset, disappointed, etc.) at you and we don't want that so let's behave" isn't working either. Something's gotta give here, Tom and I'm not sure what, but I sure hope you help me out like you did last night.

Ok, so I mentioned before that I was thinking about buying the diamond that you had gotten for me back in December. Well, I ended up buying it and getting it sized, so I just went today to get it. First of all, I tried it on and it looks great ;) but I had to put it on my necklace with your wedding ring because it seems so strange to actually wear it. I want to and maybe I will, but probably not everyday. I also can't wear both the diamond and my wedding band and that one seems more fitting to have on.

Second, about this trip to Kay's is that as I walked into the mall I saw a sign at another jewelry store with a picture of a diamond and the words "Buy 2 Get 1 Free" and I started to laugh! All I could think about was Big Love. I mean really who buys 3 diamond rings unless you're a polygamist? I just thought it was funny since when you died we had just started renting Season 2. There are several shows that remind me of you and happy times and Big Love is one of them since we used to have HBO and watched Season 1 when it first was on. By the time the 2nd season was on we didn't have HBO anymore. We only got to watch the first 3 episodes of it and now I have the next 6 just sitting here. I have tried on several occasions to watch them, but it's always something, mostly it's that I don't want to cry watching it, but I think I will tonight. I was busy today and haven't even had time to think and get my tears out. I'm sure they are coming since I can feel them now.

I remember watching the first Big Love DVD that Blockbuster sent us and... ok side note really quick... I just realized that this blog post sounds like an ad for promoting all these things, but it's not... ok sorry I do tend to get side tracked (you would think I have ADD or something, but I don't).
SO anyway... I remember asking you which of the 3 wives I am most like and You replied with (and I quote) "I could say all 3 equally. You're smart and college like, like the 1st one; devious and scary like the 2nd one; and fun and dumb like the 3rd one." I laughed so hard at that and told you that is why you don't need more than one wife because you have it all rolled into one. And you told me how one is more than enough. We laughed so hard about it all. Ok, maybe I laughed a little harder than you did. It was just a very funny interchange between us. I wrote it down back then because I wanted to remember and I'm glad I did because I can't ask you again if I had forgotten what you said. I mentioned that the 2nd two could be taken in a negative way, but that's not how you meant it-- ok maybe the devious and scary part, but that's just because I would be sneaky when I wanted answers and wasn't getting them from you. And as for the 'dumb' part you meant ditzy and naive (which I suppose I feel I have to clarify for those reading this that they don't think you were putting me down because we know you weren't... right? Just kidding. I know it). Tom, we were supposed to be watching these together. I seems incomplete without you here. I mean that on the grand scale and on the little details in life. I want to watch every episode and I'm sure I will, but I'm going to be thinking of you the whole time and wondering what conversations we would have about it all. I hope that you will sit there beside me and watch along even if I can't feel you next to me.

Oh, Tommy, where are you? What are doing right now? What do you want me to be doing right now? How can I get through this and If I can get through it what would you want me to be doing with my life and with the kids? How do I accomplish any of those things without you here? You were so much better at all of that stuff. I know I wasn't telling you enough that you were such a good Dad, but honestly, Tommy after Afghanistan you really were. You were a really good husband, too. I just wish I could have let go of certain things and focused on the great job you were doing now, Or should I say "doing then." I know that it may not have made enough difference to keep you here-- you told me several times to stop thinking the world revolved around me and "this" had nothing to do with me, but I can't help but think maybe I could have made a difference. At the very least you would have known better how I felt. I pray that you know now and it brings you some sort of comfort wherever you are... Ok, well, those tears are flowing.

Tommy, I love you and miss you forever. Thank you for all the greatness that you did bring to my life that I never thanked you for before. There was a lot of hurt and pain, but I'm sorry I didn't thank you for the good things enough.

Love, your wife,
Katie

Not even 4 weeks!?

Wow, sometimes it amazes me the things that come out of my 4 year old's mouth! "My" means something so much different now. "My" means me alone. Even though Tom Will Always be Nathan and Avery's Daddy, he is no longer here, so now they are "my" kids and something seems so hollow and empty and just plain Wrong about that! There is a missing link and will always be. OK, so I tend to go off on tangents and now I'll go back to my point: Nathan has been saying things that stop me in my tracks, especially now and especially since he has no idea how Daddy actually died. Today for example, he was playing with an umbrella and he said "This is a gun and it's on my head. But guns aren't supposed to be on your head." I just wanted wanted to yell at Tom "Did you hear that?! Did you hear the wisdom of our 4 year old, Tom!? That's not where guns go!!" Then he said, "Why did Daddy have to die? We were all happy when he was alive. Now he's dead and we're not happy." Wow, Nathan, my boy, right you are. Right you are! Happiness. Hmmm, that was a word that I wasn't completely sure of the meaning until the day Tom died and I realized that I WAS happy before that day. I may not have thought of my life as 'happy' on an everyday basis, but yes, really, happiness is the word I choose to use to describe my life PRE May 10, 2010. POST that date I have lots of words I'd use to describe my life. "Destroyed" seems to be most fitting right now.

I've been feeling angry today. I think it's because, well there are several reasons why I've been feeling that way. It's funny because I was just asked that question yesterday and I said no, but here I am one day later and that is one of the emotions that is consuming me: anger and (obviously) sadness and pain. My heart is hurting more today than it has been the past few days. I think my "surviving by denial" was forced to be put aside as I spent some time over at Tom's unit today. I went in for a specific reason and had a really hard time as I sat there waiting for things to get done. Not that they didn't rush to get it done for me and offer for me to come back, but I thought I could handle it. I WAS WRONG! Apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things lately. Wow, I cried a couple of times and then I actually had to turn away to compose myself. How embarrassing was that when I was talking to the Major?! It's not like it was some Cpl. or Sgt. that came up to me and asked how I was, oh no, not Katie. Katie had to turn her back on the important people! There were others there, but I am not good with ranks.

So, on another note, a friend of mine wrote to me today and said "Perhaps it is cliche for everyone to keep telling you how strong you are...but give yourself some credit. You have survived three plus weeks with this burden on you!" Umm, Wow! Has it only been "three plus weeks?" I feel like it's been SO much longer! Wow, I feel like I'm the kid who despises school and it's the
2nd day of freshman year and it seems as though graduation will never happen, or that same kid who doesn't know 'if' they'll make it that long. How in the world am I supposed to do this when unlike my example, I don't know when the end will come. I can only dread that I'll be in my 70's or 80's when it's my turn. OK, I can hear Tom now saying that I'll never make it that long because I don't take care of myself. I hope that's true. Then again I've never wanted to be that old to begin with, so there's no worry in me making that statement. (I'll let you all know when it's time to worry, ha...ha. But really no worries). Really, I appreciate her words and everyone's words of comfort and wisdom; it just struck me as I sat there reading it.