Thursday, June 3, 2010

Not even 4 weeks!?

Wow, sometimes it amazes me the things that come out of my 4 year old's mouth! "My" means something so much different now. "My" means me alone. Even though Tom Will Always be Nathan and Avery's Daddy, he is no longer here, so now they are "my" kids and something seems so hollow and empty and just plain Wrong about that! There is a missing link and will always be. OK, so I tend to go off on tangents and now I'll go back to my point: Nathan has been saying things that stop me in my tracks, especially now and especially since he has no idea how Daddy actually died. Today for example, he was playing with an umbrella and he said "This is a gun and it's on my head. But guns aren't supposed to be on your head." I just wanted wanted to yell at Tom "Did you hear that?! Did you hear the wisdom of our 4 year old, Tom!? That's not where guns go!!" Then he said, "Why did Daddy have to die? We were all happy when he was alive. Now he's dead and we're not happy." Wow, Nathan, my boy, right you are. Right you are! Happiness. Hmmm, that was a word that I wasn't completely sure of the meaning until the day Tom died and I realized that I WAS happy before that day. I may not have thought of my life as 'happy' on an everyday basis, but yes, really, happiness is the word I choose to use to describe my life PRE May 10, 2010. POST that date I have lots of words I'd use to describe my life. "Destroyed" seems to be most fitting right now.

I've been feeling angry today. I think it's because, well there are several reasons why I've been feeling that way. It's funny because I was just asked that question yesterday and I said no, but here I am one day later and that is one of the emotions that is consuming me: anger and (obviously) sadness and pain. My heart is hurting more today than it has been the past few days. I think my "surviving by denial" was forced to be put aside as I spent some time over at Tom's unit today. I went in for a specific reason and had a really hard time as I sat there waiting for things to get done. Not that they didn't rush to get it done for me and offer for me to come back, but I thought I could handle it. I WAS WRONG! Apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things lately. Wow, I cried a couple of times and then I actually had to turn away to compose myself. How embarrassing was that when I was talking to the Major?! It's not like it was some Cpl. or Sgt. that came up to me and asked how I was, oh no, not Katie. Katie had to turn her back on the important people! There were others there, but I am not good with ranks.

So, on another note, a friend of mine wrote to me today and said "Perhaps it is cliche for everyone to keep telling you how strong you are...but give yourself some credit. You have survived three plus weeks with this burden on you!" Umm, Wow! Has it only been "three plus weeks?" I feel like it's been SO much longer! Wow, I feel like I'm the kid who despises school and it's the
2nd day of freshman year and it seems as though graduation will never happen, or that same kid who doesn't know 'if' they'll make it that long. How in the world am I supposed to do this when unlike my example, I don't know when the end will come. I can only dread that I'll be in my 70's or 80's when it's my turn. OK, I can hear Tom now saying that I'll never make it that long because I don't take care of myself. I hope that's true. Then again I've never wanted to be that old to begin with, so there's no worry in me making that statement. (I'll let you all know when it's time to worry, ha...ha. But really no worries). Really, I appreciate her words and everyone's words of comfort and wisdom; it just struck me as I sat there reading it.

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