Monday, June 28, 2010

Thanks for the Visit, Tom

Dear Tommy,

Thanks for the visit. It was bitter-sweet. I was dreaming about you, but it felt SO real and caught me off guard. I thought you were still alive and said something about it, but then I realized or you told me that you weren't. I remember saying it; "You're alive!" And then it hit me. And it hurt. I don't remember the whole dream, which is disappointing. I do remember that like most of my dreams with you in them, you were getting ready to deploy and I kept trying to get you to stay. This one was a little different type of deployment though, but I can't remember it exactly. There was something about Nathan in it, too. I hope it all comes to me during the day. I want so desperately to remember every detail about it all. I know that you came to visit me and said you couldn't stay for long. You always tell me that you can't stay for long. I wish it was forever, but I'll take anything that I can get. Every moment with you is so precious and a little gift that I can keep in my heart and my memory. I kept thinking during this dream that I would remember it so well since it was so real. I keep trying to figure out where we were driving to. I Think we were looking for Nathan so you could see him.
It was strange because I "woke up" or at least became aware of everything because when I found out you really weren't alive it was that dose of reality that forced disappointment on me and made me hold on tighter to you and the time we had. At the same time the rain was pounding on the roof. Rain never wakes me up, but it was so loud that I thought that it was raining inside the house, but I wouldn't let that take me away from you and our time together. I was operating on both the conscious and unconscious levels at the same time. It was so nice to see you like that. I wish that we weren't always getting ready for another deployment and getting ready to leave me, but I guess that's my way of knowing that I have to let you go because you are not mine to keep here with me forever now. We will be together forever one day. I look forward to it, Tom because I love you and miss you more than words or tears could ever express. Thank you for spending that time with me. I needed it.

Love you always,
Your wife,

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