Sunday, June 6, 2010

One More Try


A little sad and a little laugh (for me anyway)... I went to O'Charleys tonight. Jena went with me. I sat in the same place (Jena took your seat) and ordered the same thing we had 4 weeks ago tonight when Jena watched the kids. I was sad, but tried not to cry since I've cried all day long. At one point Jena held up my phone with the picture of you from that night-- the last picture taken of you. I joked around and talked to it for a minute like it was you (not long I'm not Too crazy). I've gone out since then, but not there. I wasn't ready. I felt like tonight was the right time to go, but had I gone alone? Ha! That would have been pretty bad. We weren't there for long and I came home.

I got on youtube and actually looked up Timmy T's "One More Try." I know you know that song. It's amazing that one little song would make us both cry. (Yes I wrote that on here that my big, tough Marine knew how to cry). I can't even begin to imagine how many times one of us would play that song for or about the other. How many "One More Try's" did we get anyway? I suppose that eventually we'd have to run out of ONE more trys and we'd have to have a last ONE. But Tommy, this is too final. This isn't one of our youthful break-ups when we were teens. This isn't even one of our serious marriage issues that we still managed to get through. Tommy, this is death. I thought we'd ALWAYS get 'One More Try,' but there has never been a greater need or desire to have one more try with you. Not that all the words are fitting for this situation, it's just that One More Try would give me enough time to fix everything.

Well, anyway, I was watching the 1991 video of the song with Timmy T and instead of the normal tears this song invokes (oh the memories), I started to laugh a little and I pictured you here laughing and making comments at the hair, the parachute pants, and the dancing. It was so your type of dancing Tom-- really bad! ;) Hey, now that I think of it, I'm mad at you. You and I were supposed to go out dancing one time and it never happened! I guess I'll let it slide (I have no other choice). But really this video was perfect for you to see. I can picture you imitating the dancing and singing the song. At least for me there was something "light" about the day. Most of the day was me bawling my eyes out and I didn't expect a smile from that song, it brings back memories. I know you understand, or you would if you were here. That's the problem you aren't here and no one understands. I was saying that to Jena in the car tonight-- about how hilarious you are and how no one else knows all the jokes we had together. I don't even want to laugh anymore, but I sure don't want any more days like this where all I do is cry and cry. Ok, I'm beat, but at least I don't have to get up for the kids tomorrow. I wish you could sleep in with me. That would be crazy. Ok, now I know I'm rambling and I'll have to read this over in the AM and probably delete it. I love you, Tommy.

Love always,

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