My Heart is Lost

Dear Tommy,

I have to do a timeline of events for NCIS starting back in 2007. It made me really think about what we've been through and especially the past few months. I started to think about how your Command put a MPO on you even though I didn't want it. They said it would only be about 3 days, but it was 14. They said I could talk to you everyday, but I could barely get a hold of them and they only let me talk to you once (well that they knew of). We weren't supposed to communicate at all, but we did it anyway. The MPO started on a Monday and you came home for the weekend on that Friday night. When I saw you there walking in our front door my heart raced with relief and excitement. I had tried for 2 days to get a hold of your command and I didn't know what was going on. I was so thankful to see you, scared you'd get in trouble, but so happy! I cried when you hugged me. I had missed you SO much and I know you felt the same. That was why you took the chance. You wanted to be with me as desperately as I wanted you. It felt like you were gone on a deployment and we had been away for a long time. I remember how you felt, how you smelled, and how you made me feel so loved and needed. We hugged for what seemed like forever, neither of us wanting to let go. You held me so close that whole night. That whole weekend really. You came home the following weekend, too.

Those two weekends were probably the best we've had in a long time. They were just so full of love and not being able to get enough of each other. I would actually use the word "perfect" to describe them. We haven't had many "perfect" times in the past few years. It was so nice, so comforting, so hopeful. How did it go from hopeful to this? Oh, dear God I wish that you were just in the barracks right now and any day you'd come home to us. I want to feel you in my arms again. I want you to say "I love you" without the tears and fear and most importantly without the goodbye that went with those words just moments before your life ended. I want to hear them in the excited way telling me you've missed me and are glad to be home. Home, hmm... Home doesn't really mean the same thing anymore. If "Home is where the heart is" then I couldn't be able to tell you where home Truly is because I don't know where you are. What I do know is that you are not where you should be and since my heart is with you it's lost to me until I'm with you again.

Love always,
Katie