Dear Tommy,
One year ago today we moved into this house and you left for Afghanistan. You weren't even supposed to be on that deployment. You were a replacement for an injured Marine. You should actually be deployed right now and we'd be getting ready for your return, instead we are mourning your death.
I remember my first night in this house. I cried SO hard and so long. You had been in a rush to make your flight and we didn't get a good "goodbye." I was SO sad and it was SO hard. I remember thinking that night that this didn't feel like "our" home or "your" home. It just didn't. I wondered if that meant you weren't coming home. I thought some horrible thoughts that I didn't want in my mind, but they came just the same. I wondered if you had bought this house for us-- the kids and I, so we'd have a place of our own. I hated thinking that way. I hated not feeling like this was OUR home. I hate thinking it even now. It was like one of my many premonitions about you... Writing that made me think of a few months ago when the movie "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock was on. It was sometime around Christmas because I picture the tree in my mind. Ok so maybe more than a few months ago, but really where did the time go? You took Nathan out and bought him a Lego X-Box game and something else. You went to Red Robin for dinner because he wanted some one-on-one Daddy time. I stayed here and cried watching it. I thought about it and put us in those rolls for some reason. It was weird, and I can't really explain it very well, but it obviously stood out in my mind. I wondered at the time if any of my premonitions about you would come true and how that must feel. To see her try to stop it from happening and in the end being the reason it happened. Now it hits a little close to home. I wish to God that none of this had happened and I never knew those feelings that I expected Sandra's character in the movie must have felt...
But back to last year on this day. I remember crying and begging God to let me hold you one more time. I wanted AT LEAST one more time because we didn't get a real goodbye when you left and we didn't get to spend any time together that day since we were moving. I told Him I NEEDED that and not to take you from me. I BEGGED Him not to take you. I was so scared because I have always thought it would be your second war deployment that would take your life. I wondered on that night where I would be on this day, one year later. I wonder the same thing right now about next year. I'm afraid to know what that day holds, though because life can always get worse. I wish I could have a "Flash Forward" like that ABC show and I wish I wouldn't see anything.
I know I'm so negative and bringing those around me down, too, but I can't help it. I can't help wanting this to be over. You can't come back to me, so the only way to be with you is to go to you. I'm obviously not going on my own, I just wish an act of God would bring me to you. I will always want that until the day we are together again.
Love you and miss you,
Katie
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
My Drive Home
Dear Tommy,
I drove past your old house today before I started my 8 hour drive back to NC. Well, let me tell you that just set me up for the whole ride to be filled with water works! I just wanted to go up to the door and ask to go inside for a minute. I would have if the house still had the same furniture and the same smell, but it doesn't and I didn't want those memories tainted. I miss those days, the beginning of "Tommy and Katie."
When you died everything bad that happened between us died, too. I've had a few people try to remind me of those times, and really it took everything in me not to tell them what I really thought at that moment! I don't think about the bad things, the painful things that we went through. There is no point and I have no negative feelings about anything from the past. It's all gone and has been erased. I do have a hard time thinking about the good things from the last few years, though. Those memories-- the good ones-- they hurt the most right now. They make me sadder than anything else because we should still be living those memories.
So, I think about the beginning, which to me is everything until Iraq. I think about Tommy and Katie when they were still kids and carefree and fun was the number one thing on their minds. Yes, I know, I'm talking about us in the third person because it was so long ago and in another life that they lived and were happy. I remember them that way so that it doesn't hurt as bad. Besides, it doesn't even feel like that was my life anymore. It really feels like it was someone else. We WERE different people back then. I wish we could go back to those people, THAT Tommy & Katie! They had their whole lives ahead of them. Even when they weren't together it was "Tommy & Katie" who they thought about, who held their future.
I was thinking about when we went to see "The Others" and I was sitting in between you and Rob. At that point I didn't know he liked Jenn and he didn't know I liked you and I wanted to hold your hand SO bad, but I couldn't. I kept talking to you, though and you were amazed that I had the movie figured out so early on. That's one thing that eventually annoyed you about watching movies with me. I can have almost any movie figured out in the first 20 minutes, but back then it was intriguing to you.
As I drove down Old Baltimore Pike today I thought about how I got a speeding ticket on the way to your house all those years ago. Rob and I were about to pick you up to go to the race track and I was in a hurry to get there (to your house, not the race track). He told me to slow down, but I didn't. We went to the track and like usual I was really good at picking the winners, but I'd only bet a dollar or two. I'm pretty sure it was that day you put a couple of bucks down and then threw out your winning ticket by accident. It was really funny to see your face...
You know Jenn and Rob came to your viewing. I haven't seen them in years. I'm really glad they came; it meant a lot to me, but it was really hard to see them. They've been together since you and I dated the very first time. They were meant to be, and you know what Tommy? So were we. We both know that. That's not where I should have seen them after all these years, walking up to me to tell me how sorry they were along with everyone else that day. It should have played out something like we were up in Delaware and we said, "Hey, how about we all go out to dinner or for drinks to catch up?" We would have laughed about old times and talked about all the years in between. But that's not the case. Somehow seeing them, seeing your old friends, it's helping to hold onto the past. Well, the part of the past that I can live in right now.
The drive home today was so hard. It's still hard. I can't seem to stop crying. I spent 4 weeks ago today trying to get you to not take your life and trying to figure out what to do next. I wonder how long it'll last where every week is measured by counting X number of weeks ago I tried... And on Monday's-- X number of weeks ago I failed. I wish I could say that I'm all cried out for the day, but somehow I just don't think the tears are going to stop any time soon.
I was talking to God today and said that I hoped you were resting with Him in heaven. I saw a sign that said "Vote THOMAS Ernest." So I was thinking God can You give me a... and at that very moment I saw a sign that said "SIGNS." But I told God that I was thinking it not saying it, could he give me another sign. I saw the "Vote THOMAS Ernest" sign again. I still wasn't convinced, so a minute later I saw a billboard that was for Continental Health Care Systems or something like that and it was an ad that read "You were wonderful to us when Tom passed. --Shirley Kelly, Havelock" And right after that another billboard that said "In God we trust. United we stand." Now, all of that could mean absolutely nothing, but since I'm looking for signs I'm going to take it to be a sign...
I still think about the moment that I knew for sure we would always be together, that No Matter What we would end up together. It was September 12, 2004. It was a Sunday and your last day of leave after boot camp. We had spent the day together and went out to eat at McGlynn's. We got kicked out of there because I bought you a beer and you weren't 21 yet. You made a smart ass comment about how you can go to war and fight for your country, but you couldn't drink a beer. The bar tender relaxed a bit when you said that and he agreed, but said that he had to make us leave anyway. It was that night when we were in the "infamous Bagosy basement" where so many good times took place in that "I KNEW." Even as I sit here crying I still get the biggest smile of my face when I think about it. All of a sudden you just stopped, kissed my forehead, and looked so deeply in my eyes. Your eyes never lied and your eyes held our future. I held back tears, but I couldn't hold back that smile. It was a smile of satisfaction and excitement because I KNEW in that moment that my dreams were going to come true. I knew in that moment that in the end it would be "Tommy & Katie forever." Forever wasn't supposed to end 5 years and 8 months later. That wasn't what I saw. That's not the way "Tommy & Katie" were supposed to end. That is one of my most precious memories of you Tommy and it destroys me to know that all I have now are memories from the past with no hope of memories for the future.
Miss you more than words and tears can express,
Katie
I drove past your old house today before I started my 8 hour drive back to NC. Well, let me tell you that just set me up for the whole ride to be filled with water works! I just wanted to go up to the door and ask to go inside for a minute. I would have if the house still had the same furniture and the same smell, but it doesn't and I didn't want those memories tainted. I miss those days, the beginning of "Tommy and Katie."
When you died everything bad that happened between us died, too. I've had a few people try to remind me of those times, and really it took everything in me not to tell them what I really thought at that moment! I don't think about the bad things, the painful things that we went through. There is no point and I have no negative feelings about anything from the past. It's all gone and has been erased. I do have a hard time thinking about the good things from the last few years, though. Those memories-- the good ones-- they hurt the most right now. They make me sadder than anything else because we should still be living those memories.
So, I think about the beginning, which to me is everything until Iraq. I think about Tommy and Katie when they were still kids and carefree and fun was the number one thing on their minds. Yes, I know, I'm talking about us in the third person because it was so long ago and in another life that they lived and were happy. I remember them that way so that it doesn't hurt as bad. Besides, it doesn't even feel like that was my life anymore. It really feels like it was someone else. We WERE different people back then. I wish we could go back to those people, THAT Tommy & Katie! They had their whole lives ahead of them. Even when they weren't together it was "Tommy & Katie" who they thought about, who held their future.
I was thinking about when we went to see "The Others" and I was sitting in between you and Rob. At that point I didn't know he liked Jenn and he didn't know I liked you and I wanted to hold your hand SO bad, but I couldn't. I kept talking to you, though and you were amazed that I had the movie figured out so early on. That's one thing that eventually annoyed you about watching movies with me. I can have almost any movie figured out in the first 20 minutes, but back then it was intriguing to you.
As I drove down Old Baltimore Pike today I thought about how I got a speeding ticket on the way to your house all those years ago. Rob and I were about to pick you up to go to the race track and I was in a hurry to get there (to your house, not the race track). He told me to slow down, but I didn't. We went to the track and like usual I was really good at picking the winners, but I'd only bet a dollar or two. I'm pretty sure it was that day you put a couple of bucks down and then threw out your winning ticket by accident. It was really funny to see your face...
You know Jenn and Rob came to your viewing. I haven't seen them in years. I'm really glad they came; it meant a lot to me, but it was really hard to see them. They've been together since you and I dated the very first time. They were meant to be, and you know what Tommy? So were we. We both know that. That's not where I should have seen them after all these years, walking up to me to tell me how sorry they were along with everyone else that day. It should have played out something like we were up in Delaware and we said, "Hey, how about we all go out to dinner or for drinks to catch up?" We would have laughed about old times and talked about all the years in between. But that's not the case. Somehow seeing them, seeing your old friends, it's helping to hold onto the past. Well, the part of the past that I can live in right now.
The drive home today was so hard. It's still hard. I can't seem to stop crying. I spent 4 weeks ago today trying to get you to not take your life and trying to figure out what to do next. I wonder how long it'll last where every week is measured by counting X number of weeks ago I tried... And on Monday's-- X number of weeks ago I failed. I wish I could say that I'm all cried out for the day, but somehow I just don't think the tears are going to stop any time soon.
I was talking to God today and said that I hoped you were resting with Him in heaven. I saw a sign that said "Vote THOMAS Ernest." So I was thinking God can You give me a... and at that very moment I saw a sign that said "SIGNS." But I told God that I was thinking it not saying it, could he give me another sign. I saw the "Vote THOMAS Ernest" sign again. I still wasn't convinced, so a minute later I saw a billboard that was for Continental Health Care Systems or something like that and it was an ad that read "You were wonderful to us when Tom passed. --Shirley Kelly, Havelock" And right after that another billboard that said "In God we trust. United we stand." Now, all of that could mean absolutely nothing, but since I'm looking for signs I'm going to take it to be a sign...
I still think about the moment that I knew for sure we would always be together, that No Matter What we would end up together. It was September 12, 2004. It was a Sunday and your last day of leave after boot camp. We had spent the day together and went out to eat at McGlynn's. We got kicked out of there because I bought you a beer and you weren't 21 yet. You made a smart ass comment about how you can go to war and fight for your country, but you couldn't drink a beer. The bar tender relaxed a bit when you said that and he agreed, but said that he had to make us leave anyway. It was that night when we were in the "infamous Bagosy basement" where so many good times took place in that "I KNEW." Even as I sit here crying I still get the biggest smile of my face when I think about it. All of a sudden you just stopped, kissed my forehead, and looked so deeply in my eyes. Your eyes never lied and your eyes held our future. I held back tears, but I couldn't hold back that smile. It was a smile of satisfaction and excitement because I KNEW in that moment that my dreams were going to come true. I knew in that moment that in the end it would be "Tommy & Katie forever." Forever wasn't supposed to end 5 years and 8 months later. That wasn't what I saw. That's not the way "Tommy & Katie" were supposed to end. That is one of my most precious memories of you Tommy and it destroys me to know that all I have now are memories from the past with no hope of memories for the future.
Miss you more than words and tears can express,
Katie
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My RING & Friday Night
Dear Tommy,
Well, as you know I had lost some weight and my wedding ring kept coming off. I went to get it sized the week before you died, but they said it would take 2 weeks. For some reason I couldn't part with it for 2 weeks and I'm so glad I didn't. I lost a little more weight after I found out about you. I was so terrified that now I really would lose it somewhere, so on our Anniversary I took it off and put it on my necklace right where yours is.
Friday night I went out with Jena and stopped by Kay's to get a ring guard. It's a little obvious and not cute because it's yellow gold. Well, while I was there I asked to see the diamond that you had bought me back in December-- the one I never got when we got married and always teased you about. ;) Wow, wasn't that a disaster from Nathan spoiling the surprise to me telling you to return it? I know, I know I could kick myself for that now. Not like you gave it to me in any special way (thanks Nathan, haha). My biggest reason for that was because I didn't think we could afford it. I wish I had kept it. I asked the lady working there if it would be strange for me to buy it now. She said no, she thought it was sweet. Jena walked in the store at that point and I asked her and she said I should. We were both holding back tears. I am not sure if I should get it-- how you'd feel about it, but I think I really want to.
So later we went to this bar called The Hideaway. I didn't know about it, not like I would or would have ever chosen to go there since I never really went out before. It was ok, I guess. I was doing "good" until I heard "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. I had to walk outside and I started to really cry. It was one of the songs you put on the CD you made for me before Afghanistan and obviously the words are fitting. Well, there was this woman, obviously inebriated, talking to Jena (who was sitting next to me) saying "I'll kick his ass, whoever he is for making her cry like that." Jena replied with "You can't." She felt so bad after I told her why I was crying and said she'd pray for me. I can hear you say in your sarcastic voice "Aw, isn't that nice." But really it is Tom. I have lots of people praying for me and the kids. And we Need those prayers because I sure as heck am not praying right now. I have no desire to pray. Do I still believe in the Lord as my Savior? Yes. Do I feel betrayed and abandoned right now? Yes. Do I want Anything to do with God? NO! But I'm thankful for those who care enough to pray.
So I talked to a new friend/ old acquaintance who is also a "Military Widow" and she warned me to be careful because there will be Marines crawling all over me if they know who I am... and boy was she Right! I was very surprised, Tom. I'm sure THAT doesn't surprise you! BUT I really am starting to not be so naive. I'm not surprised I got hit on, but that this guy did it even after he saw my total breakdown about my husband who died nearly 3 weeks ago! Wow, Tom, maybe I should take the advice about getting out of here. I feel that there are some things I need to do first, though. Maybe next year? I'm not sure yet. Time will tell what I should be doing... Should be doing? What I 'SHOULD' be doing is living my life With You! That is what I 'Should' be doing.
Love always,
Katie
Well, as you know I had lost some weight and my wedding ring kept coming off. I went to get it sized the week before you died, but they said it would take 2 weeks. For some reason I couldn't part with it for 2 weeks and I'm so glad I didn't. I lost a little more weight after I found out about you. I was so terrified that now I really would lose it somewhere, so on our Anniversary I took it off and put it on my necklace right where yours is.
Friday night I went out with Jena and stopped by Kay's to get a ring guard. It's a little obvious and not cute because it's yellow gold. Well, while I was there I asked to see the diamond that you had bought me back in December-- the one I never got when we got married and always teased you about. ;) Wow, wasn't that a disaster from Nathan spoiling the surprise to me telling you to return it? I know, I know I could kick myself for that now. Not like you gave it to me in any special way (thanks Nathan, haha). My biggest reason for that was because I didn't think we could afford it. I wish I had kept it. I asked the lady working there if it would be strange for me to buy it now. She said no, she thought it was sweet. Jena walked in the store at that point and I asked her and she said I should. We were both holding back tears. I am not sure if I should get it-- how you'd feel about it, but I think I really want to.
So later we went to this bar called The Hideaway. I didn't know about it, not like I would or would have ever chosen to go there since I never really went out before. It was ok, I guess. I was doing "good" until I heard "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. I had to walk outside and I started to really cry. It was one of the songs you put on the CD you made for me before Afghanistan and obviously the words are fitting. Well, there was this woman, obviously inebriated, talking to Jena (who was sitting next to me) saying "I'll kick his ass, whoever he is for making her cry like that." Jena replied with "You can't." She felt so bad after I told her why I was crying and said she'd pray for me. I can hear you say in your sarcastic voice "Aw, isn't that nice." But really it is Tom. I have lots of people praying for me and the kids. And we Need those prayers because I sure as heck am not praying right now. I have no desire to pray. Do I still believe in the Lord as my Savior? Yes. Do I feel betrayed and abandoned right now? Yes. Do I want Anything to do with God? NO! But I'm thankful for those who care enough to pray.
So I talked to a new friend/ old acquaintance who is also a "Military Widow" and she warned me to be careful because there will be Marines crawling all over me if they know who I am... and boy was she Right! I was very surprised, Tom. I'm sure THAT doesn't surprise you! BUT I really am starting to not be so naive. I'm not surprised I got hit on, but that this guy did it even after he saw my total breakdown about my husband who died nearly 3 weeks ago! Wow, Tom, maybe I should take the advice about getting out of here. I feel that there are some things I need to do first, though. Maybe next year? I'm not sure yet. Time will tell what I should be doing... Should be doing? What I 'SHOULD' be doing is living my life With You! That is what I 'Should' be doing.
Love always,
Katie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)