Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I miss you so much, Tommy!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Random 3AM Post


Well, what can I say? December has been here for a moment and next week will be busy. Last Christmas I was sick and you had to make dinner. I couldn't even sit at the table with you, which makes me sad now. It was great though when I looked over and saw you and the kids together. They are amazing children. I was back home the other day and Avery was acting up so I yelled at her. She started crying for Daddy. "I want my Daddy" over and over again. She has never done that before. It made my heart break.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm in denial and while maybe it's not totally healthy, it works for me. They did our story as a segment on a documentary on E! on military wives. They had to cut a lot of it out because they were threatened with legal action otherwise. Nothing was allowed to be said about you even being on base let alone talking about your command or the doctors or how it all played out that day.
So, I know you didn't want me to move (the whole broken glass bowl in the middle of the night incident), but I did. My location was influenced by wrong motives and I think that you were trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I happy there. The other night I was crying. It was the night that it all started to unravel. I wasn't crying because things were unraveling, but because I realized that I didn't listen to you enough while you were alive and even after you died you tried to warn me, but I STILL didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened more and here I was thinking I knew better, but I was wrong. (Now let's be honest, you were wrong lots of times, too, but I didn't listen nearly as much as I should). You'd tell me I was listening to the wrong people and sometimes I did and others I didn't. I found myself in a similar situation again. This time, though, I am finally learning my lesson (yay for whoever get's to deal with me next, haha).

I'm starting to realize that my focus has been blurred. It's not so much of an issue anymore, but it all happened for a reason. I have to stop being selfish now and stop focusing on me and what is making me temporarily happy. That happiness isn't lasting anyway, but I sure as hell needed it while I had it. It's time for me to start figuring ME out and life for our kids.

I got some good advice this past week while back home (our home, back home). I realize that it's time to change my focus. I've been hoping that something external would come in and fix things, but it's me who has to fix it and then that certain type of happiness I've been clinging to will come on its own. It's like I've been working from the outside in, but I need to work from the inside out. It may hurt and it may be lonely and hard trying to fix it all, but it's what I have to do.