Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Random 3AM Post


Well, what can I say? December has been here for a moment and next week will be busy. Last Christmas I was sick and you had to make dinner. I couldn't even sit at the table with you, which makes me sad now. It was great though when I looked over and saw you and the kids together. They are amazing children. I was back home the other day and Avery was acting up so I yelled at her. She started crying for Daddy. "I want my Daddy" over and over again. She has never done that before. It made my heart break.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm in denial and while maybe it's not totally healthy, it works for me. They did our story as a segment on a documentary on E! on military wives. They had to cut a lot of it out because they were threatened with legal action otherwise. Nothing was allowed to be said about you even being on base let alone talking about your command or the doctors or how it all played out that day.
So, I know you didn't want me to move (the whole broken glass bowl in the middle of the night incident), but I did. My location was influenced by wrong motives and I think that you were trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I happy there. The other night I was crying. It was the night that it all started to unravel. I wasn't crying because things were unraveling, but because I realized that I didn't listen to you enough while you were alive and even after you died you tried to warn me, but I STILL didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened more and here I was thinking I knew better, but I was wrong. (Now let's be honest, you were wrong lots of times, too, but I didn't listen nearly as much as I should). You'd tell me I was listening to the wrong people and sometimes I did and others I didn't. I found myself in a similar situation again. This time, though, I am finally learning my lesson (yay for whoever get's to deal with me next, haha).

I'm starting to realize that my focus has been blurred. It's not so much of an issue anymore, but it all happened for a reason. I have to stop being selfish now and stop focusing on me and what is making me temporarily happy. That happiness isn't lasting anyway, but I sure as hell needed it while I had it. It's time for me to start figuring ME out and life for our kids.

I got some good advice this past week while back home (our home, back home). I realize that it's time to change my focus. I've been hoping that something external would come in and fix things, but it's me who has to fix it and then that certain type of happiness I've been clinging to will come on its own. It's like I've been working from the outside in, but I need to work from the inside out. It may hurt and it may be lonely and hard trying to fix it all, but it's what I have to do.



  1. I know how you feel. I feel like I say that a lot? I don't really "know". I guess, I get what you're saying. I've been struggling with the denial thing as well. I'm comfortable in it until something bad happens, and the real emotions start flooding out.

    Just keep doing what feels right. I think things will come together as they are suppose to from there. Denial is part of the process. If it's where you are comfortable in the moment, sit there. When you're ready to come to terms, you will, at your own pace.

    Keep people who love you close and you will never really be alone. So far it's worked for me. I know at night or when you are by yourself and your brain starts going Mach speed, it's hard. In those times, I just close my eyes and talk to him like he's there. Sometimes it helps to think that he isn't really gone, he just isn't there like I knew him to be there before.

    I dunno.

    I think you are doing good, though. You've been an inspiration to me quite a few times, even though we haven't talked much. Thank you for that.

  2. Hang in there Ma'am! Nothing happens in our perfect timing! You are going to find the right path for you, Avery, and Nathan! Still praying for ya!

  3. Karie,
    I always pretend he is still alive and talk to him. I know it may not make sense to everyone, but it sure helps me. I hate when those surprises reality checks happen. I got another one tonight coming to his parents. God, that sucked!