Dear Tommy,
Something has been bothering me lately. I think in the past few days since it's just been Avery and me I have had time to sit there and talk to her and focus on "her" not "the kids," which has allowed me to change some of my wording. For example, I say, "Do you want to be like Mommy and sit at the table like a big girl?" And things of that nature. Then it hit me. She has me, her Mom, her role model, a female to emulate and learn from. Nathan, doesn't have that person anymore. I know I've talked about how he wants a Daddy and he needs that male father figure, but it just struck me that, she has that person in her life and he doesn't. What he learns from me will be based on the female perspective. So who's going to teach him the day to day male things? The things that can't be learned from me or a woman in general? Yeah ok, a female who knows how to change her oil could teach him that, so could our male neighbor, but it's not the same as when it comes from "Dad." It's pretty sad. Even when were up at my Mom's house he wanted to know why we were all girls and he was the only boy there. He needs that, Tom. I've been telling you for a long time that he needs you and you were doing so well with him. And you had so many more plans for the summer with him. It's sad that now he doesn't have that. Thankfully Avery does, but I don't want Nathan to feel left out.
Ok, next on my mind... Avery is so funny. She is just like you and she will Not drink the end of her drinks! Rarely she will (only if she's super tired), but she tells me it's empty and doesn't want it!
Ok, so there is an opportunity to go to Savannah with some other military widows and I'm debating on if I should go or not. If it was anywhere else I'm sure I'd jump at the chance and if it was with YOU I'd also jump at the chance. That was the place we ever got to go away to, just you and me. It was fun. Remember the tornado siren? LOL! Ok, so I'm still laughing about you. Oh and the food was to die for! Everything except Paula Deen's restaurant. That was very disappointing and over priced. But everything else was great! The B&B was great and the owner was awesome. She kept giving you a hard time because you were a picky eater. She was so funny and really nice. We didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and we said we would go back. It was so nice getting to have that time with you. I'm so glad we had that trip. BUT now I can go back. I can go and maybe do the few things we didn't get done on our first trip. But if I do that then will I really be able to handle it? Will I really enjoy it or will I be stuck crying ever 10 minutes things "When Tom and I were here..." Oh, Tommy, I have that picture of you at the cemetery there and it still haunts me. For some reason it always has. It's crazy, but as much as I love it, it also is kind of eery to me and has been since I saw it. I'm sure no one else would think like that, but it's just one of those things.
So, back to whether or not I go... What do you think, Tom? Should I go back without you? I know if I do go back and break down crying they would all understand and be supportive, but I don't want to be a downer and I don't know if I'd actually do well with everything. It's something to think about. Let me know what you think... Oh... yeah...
I love you!
Love,
Katie
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
6 Weeks Later
Dear Tommy,
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Not even 4 weeks!?
Wow, sometimes it amazes me the things that come out of my 4 year old's mouth! "My" means something so much different now. "My" means me alone. Even though Tom Will Always be Nathan and Avery's Daddy, he is no longer here, so now they are "my" kids and something seems so hollow and empty and just plain Wrong about that! There is a missing link and will always be. OK, so I tend to go off on tangents and now I'll go back to my point: Nathan has been saying things that stop me in my tracks, especially now and especially since he has no idea how Daddy actually died. Today for example, he was playing with an umbrella and he said "This is a gun and it's on my head. But guns aren't supposed to be on your head." I just wanted wanted to yell at Tom "Did you hear that?! Did you hear the wisdom of our 4 year old, Tom!? That's not where guns go!!" Then he said, "Why did Daddy have to die? We were all happy when he was alive. Now he's dead and we're not happy." Wow, Nathan, my boy, right you are. Right you are! Happiness. Hmmm, that was a word that I wasn't completely sure of the meaning until the day Tom died and I realized that I WAS happy before that day. I may not have thought of my life as 'happy' on an everyday basis, but yes, really, happiness is the word I choose to use to describe my life PRE May 10, 2010. POST that date I have lots of words I'd use to describe my life. "Destroyed" seems to be most fitting right now.
I've been feeling angry today. I think it's because, well there are several reasons why I've been feeling that way. It's funny because I was just asked that question yesterday and I said no, but here I am one day later and that is one of the emotions that is consuming me: anger and (obviously) sadness and pain. My heart is hurting more today than it has been the past few days. I think my "surviving by denial" was forced to be put aside as I spent some time over at Tom's unit today. I went in for a specific reason and had a really hard time as I sat there waiting for things to get done. Not that they didn't rush to get it done for me and offer for me to come back, but I thought I could handle it. I WAS WRONG! Apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things lately. Wow, I cried a couple of times and then I actually had to turn away to compose myself. How embarrassing was that when I was talking to the Major?! It's not like it was some Cpl. or Sgt. that came up to me and asked how I was, oh no, not Katie. Katie had to turn her back on the important people! There were others there, but I am not good with ranks.
So, on another note, a friend of mine wrote to me today and said "Perhaps it is cliche for everyone to keep telling you how strong you are...but give yourself some credit. You have survived three plus weeks with this burden on you!" Umm, Wow! Has it only been "three plus weeks?" I feel like it's been SO much longer! Wow, I feel like I'm the kid who despises school and it's the
2nd day of freshman year and it seems as though graduation will never happen, or that same kid who doesn't know 'if' they'll make it that long. How in the world am I supposed to do this when unlike my example, I don't know when the end will come. I can only dread that I'll be in my 70's or 80's when it's my turn. OK, I can hear Tom now saying that I'll never make it that long because I don't take care of myself. I hope that's true. Then again I've never wanted to be that old to begin with, so there's no worry in me making that statement. (I'll let you all know when it's time to worry, ha...ha. But really no worries). Really, I appreciate her words and everyone's words of comfort and wisdom; it just struck me as I sat there reading it.
I've been feeling angry today. I think it's because, well there are several reasons why I've been feeling that way. It's funny because I was just asked that question yesterday and I said no, but here I am one day later and that is one of the emotions that is consuming me: anger and (obviously) sadness and pain. My heart is hurting more today than it has been the past few days. I think my "surviving by denial" was forced to be put aside as I spent some time over at Tom's unit today. I went in for a specific reason and had a really hard time as I sat there waiting for things to get done. Not that they didn't rush to get it done for me and offer for me to come back, but I thought I could handle it. I WAS WRONG! Apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things lately. Wow, I cried a couple of times and then I actually had to turn away to compose myself. How embarrassing was that when I was talking to the Major?! It's not like it was some Cpl. or Sgt. that came up to me and asked how I was, oh no, not Katie. Katie had to turn her back on the important people! There were others there, but I am not good with ranks.
So, on another note, a friend of mine wrote to me today and said "Perhaps it is cliche for everyone to keep telling you how strong you are...but give yourself some credit. You have survived three plus weeks with this burden on you!" Umm, Wow! Has it only been "three plus weeks?" I feel like it's been SO much longer! Wow, I feel like I'm the kid who despises school and it's the
2nd day of freshman year and it seems as though graduation will never happen, or that same kid who doesn't know 'if' they'll make it that long. How in the world am I supposed to do this when unlike my example, I don't know when the end will come. I can only dread that I'll be in my 70's or 80's when it's my turn. OK, I can hear Tom now saying that I'll never make it that long because I don't take care of myself. I hope that's true. Then again I've never wanted to be that old to begin with, so there's no worry in me making that statement. (I'll let you all know when it's time to worry, ha...ha. But really no worries). Really, I appreciate her words and everyone's words of comfort and wisdom; it just struck me as I sat there reading it.
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