Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Different Place

Dear Tommy,

I'm not at our house, as you know. You told me not to move my last night there. I didn't get a clear answer as to why, but I know you did-- the glass bowl breaking in the middle of the night and what you said were quite clear. I have to say, though, that being out of that town has been like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I needed to get out to be able to clear my head and start to look towards the future. I was stuck. I couldn't breathe. There was no hope, no light that was going to guide me to where my life needs to be. I feel so much better now. I'm getting settled in the new house. I have things here that remind me of you, but they are put up so that I don't focus on them daily. I want you close-- always, but in a different way now. Don't get me wrong, you know I love you and miss you more than words can describe; I just need to accept that there is still life to live and happiness that is designed for me.

There were certain events that lead me to where I am right now (obviously the first was your passing, but after that, there were several others, too). Jena calls one my "nudge" and perhaps she's right, but everything else had to work out just-so in order for it to all play out the way it did. I don't count on anything lasting in life (even the bad, but except the sad, though that changes, too). But no matter what got me here (some things in the process were "good" while others weren't so much), I'm glad I am here now. I feel alive again. I've felt peace since I got here, and we know that I rarely feel true peace in my life. I felt peace when I made the decision to come here and everything since. There is something bigger in the works for me here. I can see this being my "forever place" or at least the general area. Maybe it's not forever, but it's definitely for-right-now. Living here just feels without a doubt in my mind, RIGHT! It's the first thing that has felt that way in a long time. I guess how long I stay ultimately depends on where life takes me.

It's strange to me how life works out sometimes. You know, those little moments or those seemingly little decisions that we make that turn out to be the catalyst to grand changes in our lives. The people we meet, the things, we do, the lives we end up living, it's all those little things that we neglect to recognize in the moment, but looking back it's so obvious to see how it all played out. I feel like I'm in that place right now. The big event happened already and now it's all the little things that are really influencing where life is about to lead me. It's exciting. I see that again. I feel alive and ready to embrace what is to come (God I pray it's all good for our children and I).

I will be starting my master's classes next week, I want to find a church down here, I want to explore this new town, I want to see what God has planned for me relationship wise-- or at least I think so, haha. Really and truly I want to soak up all the good that life has to offer. I don't know how much is out there (true me being a little synical, but cautious is the word I'm going with), but however much I can get, I want to take. I want to give it, too. I want to be someone who has something great to offer this world and the people in my life. If I'm going to do this thing called "life" I may as well try to find the good in it and enjoy what I can.

I hope and pray that everything that I want to work out does, but I'm trying to be realistic and know that no matter what, I am where I am supposed to be right now and if things don't go according to MY plan it's because God has something even better waiting for me in life! (You know me though, and you know that I'm really rooting for my plans to be God's plans). I am so thankful to have made it to this point in life. I didn't think 6 months ago that I would be able to have this attitude ever again, let alone 6 months after I lost you! A lot of it, well to be honest, most of it and the most significant part has to do with God putting the "nudge" in my life, but there is so much more to it, too... And just between you and me (and everyone else who reads this, haha) I like to think you've played a role in it, too.

Sending you my love,

Monday, November 8, 2010


So I'm moving. I am a huge ball of emotions on this one. I don't know how I'll feel when I get to "my" new place. I was talking to a good friend today and she was saying how I should be careful because it may hit me once I'm there that I'm leaving a huge part of my life behind. The past 4 1/2 years have been spent in this town. This is the only place we ever lived together (3 places, though). We bought our first home together here. You wanted that so bad. To me it wasn't a big deal to say that we were "homeowners" but it was to you. You felt accomplished about it. It's sad to walk away from our home, from this town that holds so many memories, it's sad to say I'm starting over without you, but it's just as sad to stay here knowing that you're not here with me.
Wednesday is November 10th which is the Marine Corps Birthday and more importantly 6 months since you died. The tears are streaming down my face right now and Avery knows that when I cry it's because I'm sad about you and she says "My Daddy died... Mommy stop crying." I wish I didn't ever have to cry another tear, but I know that there will always be tears because my heart will always hurt over your death. I can't believe it's been 6 months (well, almost), but wow I have to say it has gone by very fast. It just doesn't seem like it's been half a year. In 2 weeks it'll be 1 year since you came home from Afghanistan. Wow, if I had only known then...