Friday, June 11, 2010

Hello Delaware

Good morning Delaware. Ok, not really a good morning. The kids were up at 4am and started calling and texting people from 5am-6am. I didn't even know they could figure that out on this phone. I had fallen back to sleep by then and now they are doing the same. I have a head ache, which I'm not complaining about, just stating, so I'm not sure how long I'll be able to type for. Then there was the multitude of dreams about Tom last night. In some I was trying to deal with his death, but in others he was still alive. Those are more difficult because I seem to wake up thinking he's still here and have to relive it once it sinks in.

Yesterday was the 10th, so it was one month ago that it happened. It seems so long ago, but at the same time I can't believe it's been a month. I guess I can't believe I've survived a month already. I can't get Tom's face out of my mind no matter how hard I try. I keep seeing the pain and hurt in his eyes. I keep reliving the moments that I put it there. It's amazing, Tom hurt me plenty (we all know that), but that's not what matters now. Now it's the times that I hurt him that I can't escape. So many people hurt him, especially in the end, and he was already dealing with the pain of war. None of us did enough to stop it. None of us were able to make the pain go away. No one gets it now-- the reason that this pain of mine is so much deeper than just missing the man I love so deeply. That in and of itself is too much to bear. I miss him. No matter what we went through I never stopped loving him and always wanted him. But no one gets that this guilt is eating at me more and more. Everyday it grows and everyday it gets harder to push away. I don't know how I'll get through this. It's just one more added stressor (not a real word apparently) and it's a huge one. I know what I'm going to focus on in counseling next week, but I don't think anything Owens says can help me on this one.

Ok, onto something more positive... I've decided to get my Master's. I knew that I wanted that almost right away. I just didn't know until yesterday what I was going to go for. Jena and I weighed the options and talked all about it and I decided on Psychology over Social Work. It was my original major all those many years ago and there is more that I can with Psychology. Now I just have to get all the lose ends tied together.

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