Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ingenious! & The Calm Before The Storm

Yes, that is what I am referring to myself as today. Why? For several reasons. The first and most important is that I have a brilliant book idea. Ok, so MAYBE it's not going to pan out, but I have found that there are more people out there in the world who are like me than I thought and I bet this book would sell more than 100 copies. I think it will do really well! I'm excited about it and hope that others will be, too. Now I just have to figure out how to go about getting it done. I still have my other book ideas and the book I sort of started last summer is up there in priority, but I'm not sure I want to really go there yet. This book idea is one that would be fun to write. I don't want to do this one alone, so I may ask one or two other people what they think and if they'd be willing to co-author it with me. I also would love to find the children's book I wrote last summer, but I think Tom threw it away while trying to organize for me. That is one thing I can not seem to do well with, but I am coming out of my fog bit by bit and hopefully will be better suited to assist someone else as they organize for me, lol!

On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.


This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.


  1. AH man, I had written you a nice long comment but I don't think it posted. Crap.
    Here I go, trying again.

    It amazes me how alike we really are. I too aspire to make something positive happen from this and help others. That is why I am going on to get my Mental Health Counseling MA and licensure, I really want to help the guys before this can happens, and the famililes who have to say goodbye. It's crazy but before I even met Jonny, I really wanted to be a counselor to wounded warriors but I didn't know how to get there or have all the drive I really needed to find out. Now I have the drive and I intend to make a difference.

    And of course we've talked about the book thing, I really want to write one but it's tougher than I thought it would be right now. I really do believe people's eyes need to be opened about what we go through. I think I'm going to try to wait until I have grown somewhat from this that way I can have some hindsight and perspective on "how I made it through" ya know?

    I really hope you (and me too!) are successful in our endevers. I think we have what it takes to make a huge difference.

    As far as the real part... well, it just started feeling "real" for me and Jonny's funeral was in March. I guess what was reality to me was now his guys are coming home. For you it could be anything, it could be the lowering of the casket, it could be the flag, it could be doing something alone that you've never had to do alone before. When reality hits though, when it really really hits, it sucks. Just know that your widow friends are here when that happens and I will always be an ear to listen, a hand to hold, if ever you should need it.

    Much love and Hugs!

  2. Thanks. I just sent you a really long email.

  3. I know part of what you went through, since my husband has had to deal w/stuff from his 2 tours in Iraq, heck I didn't feel the same when I came back, its hard since there is so much of a stigma on the whole thing, something definetly needs to be done and I think you have the perfect oppurtunity to really tell people what its like.

  4. Thank you. I really feel that this needs to be addressed in a major way and it's great to have support. Your comments are so uplifting. I knew you were military, but I don't think I ever knew you were deployed. Wich tour did our husbands serve together, his first or second?

  5. Yeah I did a year in Iraq which is where I met my husband. His second tour was with your husband which was his first I believe (india 3/12). I was pregnant with my daughter and I remember you had Nathan who was a baby.

  6. Yes, it was Tom's first. I remember dinner at Sarah's house. It was so nice to get to meet other wives in the same boat. That's cool that you guys met over there. You are blessed in a way to have that inside, first hand knowledge of what goes on over there.