Yes, that is what I am referring to myself as today. Why? For several reasons. The first and most important is that I have a brilliant book idea. Ok, so MAYBE it's not going to pan out, but I have found that there are more people out there in the world who are like me than I thought and I bet this book would sell more than 100 copies. I think it will do really well! I'm excited about it and hope that others will be, too. Now I just have to figure out how to go about getting it done. I still have my other book ideas and the book I sort of started last summer is up there in priority, but I'm not sure I want to really go there yet. This book idea is one that would be fun to write. I don't want to do this one alone, so I may ask one or two other people what they think and if they'd be willing to co-author it with me. I also would love to find the children's book I wrote last summer, but I think Tom threw it away while trying to organize for me. That is one thing I can not seem to do well with, but I am coming out of my fog bit by bit and hopefully will be better suited to assist someone else as they organize for me, lol!
On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.
This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.