Sunday, June 27, 2010

Our Little Girl

Dear Tommy,
I'm not going to talk about Nathan tonight for one because he's not here and for two because I'd cry more if I'm talking about both of our kids. But our little girl... is getting so big! You already know how smart she is because you were here when she was 18 months and started talking in 4 word sentences. You saw how fast she picked up on things and well she learns (sometimes the wrong things). She's amazing. Oh, but she is getting to that point where she wants to test me and put me in my place and assert herself. Don't worry, I will not let her get away with the things Nathan used to get away with. She was saying something today and I repeated it and she told me "Stop copying me!" She's actually done so many funny things today that I can't even remember. Last night was too funny. We were at my new friend's house and everything I'd say Avery said, like usual. But then I said, "I love you" and she started waving and said "Goodbye!" Maybe it's one of those things you had to be there for, but we were laughing pretty hard at her. She is so independent and fearless, Tom. She jumps on the couch and climbs and thinks nothing of it. I'm trying to break her of that. We don't need 2 of them, but we do know where she got it from.
I was crying several times today and most of the time she'll say "Mommy crying?" And then at one point she asked, "What's wrong?" I told her the truth. I said, 'Daddy is dead and I miss him.' She doesn't know what that means, but sooner than later she will. She'll be asking all sorts of questions about you. The most important ones will be "Where's my Daddy? Why did he die?" And someday she'll know. Ok, this post is about her to you, so let me tell you about her and the things she's doing.
Her hair is long enough that I can really pull it back into a pony tail. I know you did it once, but it didn't work well. You've been asking me since last year when her hair was going to grow and be long and girly. It started to before you died, but it's really grown since then. It's like all of a sudden it's the way you wanted to see it. Thinking about that makes me sad. You can't see it, but you should. You should be the one who is here doing her hair. I'll never forget when I took Nathan to the park a few months ago (maybe more than a few at this point) and you text me "I did Avery's hair." I was so excited to come home and see what you did. There were clips all in it. She was laughing and having a good time. She looked funny in a really cute way. She would never take her hair out when Daddy did it, but Mommy? It would never stay in! She was constantly pulling her clips out. That drove me crazy! I used to make you do her hair a lot for that reason. And let's be honest, you were better at it then me except for when it came to the hair ties because you couldn't figure them out. It was funny to watch. I wish you were still here to do her hair.
I put her in that one set of footie pajamas tonight and she could actually walk around in them with no problem, which tells me that she has grown a lot in the past couple of months. She would always come up to you, put her foot out in your face and say "Fix, fix" because they were too big and she hated when her foot didn't stay in the footie part. She has this attitude now. I mean even more than before! She thinks she owns the world. And her screeching? Well, let's just say that people still comment on it, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be! They have No idea!
She loves you and misses you so much. I'm so sad that her Nathan don't get to grow up with you. I am so sad that I don't get to raise our children with you, but I have to do it alone. We talked about things that we would tell our kids and things we wouldn't, but their are some conversations that just come better from Dad than from Mom.
We sang "Pants on the ground" today, but her dance is no where near as funny when you would do it. I think I have that on video. I should really look into that. I wish I had more pictures of you with Avery (and you in general). I've never been good at that. I'm sure I'll remember some of her funny antics later and just come back and add them in.
Love you always,

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog, and read through it, and I just wanted to send you a HUGE virtual HUG!! I'm sorry that you have to walk this journey, and know this pain. Though the road that had brought us here is not the same, I walk this journey of loss too. I hope you find peace tonight, if you ever need to chat or anything, I know you don't know me, but I'm here.