Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'll just... Oh...

Dear Tommy,
Ok, so I can't tell you how many times things have come up in the past almost 6 weeks where I have started a thought with "I'll just ask Tom... Oh, yeah, I can't do that." It's so hard because even when I was driving around looking for BAS to get your medical record and thinking it was somewhere near dental, but couldn't find it I figured, 'I should just call Tom.' It's those moments that make me feel like I just got kicked in the stomach-- again! It's those moments where I am reminded of the reality of things. I am reminded that I can't just call or text or anything else. When I am lost like I was the other day and somehow after an appointment in Morehead City I ended up in Havelock I just wanted to call you to help me out. I wasn't sure if I was going the right way, but thought I should just keep driving a little bit until I started to recognize things-- from when I was 20 years old! I haven't been there in years, but I knew where I was and that I had to turn around. I wanted to call you several times on that trip, not just when I was lost. Oh and by the way, I AM investing in a GPS now. I'd just use your phone, but NCIS still hasn't gotten it back to me. But that wasn't even the first time I wanted to call you that day.

That trip was very sad for me. We used to talk about how it's not really pretty around here and there is nothing to do unless we go to Wilmington, but as I was driving to my appointment I kept thinking how pretty it was and how I wanted so badly to call you and tell you and ask to take a Saturday and just go drive that way to explore and see what was around. It made me so sad. I felt for the first time that I was experiencing new things without you. It was the first time I really could feel my life moving forward-- not that I am emotionally in any sense of the word, but just that there was something new and you would never know about it. My life is continuing and it's not just in this little bubble anymore.
We can't go to some of the places I passed by as a family even though that was my initial though passing by. We can't so that because our family isn't whole anymore. I felt guilty for that. For still being here. For my life moving forward without you.

Which leads me to today. I saw Owens today and I have to say that one of the reasons I like him (and dislike him at the same time) is that he doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself. You know I like to do that on occasion and today was really one of those days. We talked about me getting my Master's and then we moved on to where I am and how I'm feeling about you. Well, he sure didn't let me blame myself for very long for anything. I think I'm more at fault and have/had more power than he thinks, but we talked about you and my feelings of not knowing what you'd want me to be doing, that I feel like you may resent me for being here or something of that nature. He is great at giving different perspectives, as you know, and really made me think about trying to live my life to honor you. I won't get into specifics, and some of it, as he stated, is speculation (which I myself am full of), but it made me look at things differently. I'll probably talk to you more about it tonight, but I want you to know now that I hope I get to that point sooner than later where I can "live my life to honor you." I need to come to terms with some things first, though. I'm not ready to move to that point just yet. I feel I'd have to 'let you go' in a differnt way that I'm not ready for.
As for the rest of the day, I took the kids to see Ma Tante and Larry. Haha! Yes, as we got there I saw their neighbor and started laughing! I wish could say it as well as you can, but what has it been now, 4 years? "Can I hold the Baaaaaby?" 'No!' LMAO! Wow! We would laugh at that a lot. Oh geeze, one of these days I should try to write down all of our inside jokes. It would take me a few weeks to remember them all, but I should do it just in case I ever forget for some reason. Well, I have lots more to say, but Nathan just came in from our neighbor's house and he wants to cuddle. He needs some 'Mommy time' but I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon. I wish I could just call you or email you or better yet, I wish I could have you right here next to me forever and ever. I love you more than you will ever know (well, maybe from where you are you do know).
Love Always,

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