I feel the dread slowly creeping in. I feel it even though I had such a good night tonight. It was maybe the best night I've had since you died, Tom. I had dinner and wine with a new friend and we laughed and talked and I felt normal. Even though I gave her the Cliff's Notes version of 'Tommy & Katie' it wasn't hard or sad for me. It was almost normal. Maybe because I've told this story so many times that I feel almost detached to it. Maybe she's just one of those easy people to talk to. I did (like usual) seem to have a hard time collecting my thoughts at times, but she didn't seem to mind. I felt like it was just a long over due Girls Night that I haven't done in a while. I didn't feel sad even when I was talking about you. It was easy for some reason. She's a really great person and I think you'd actually like her and be good with me hanging out with her. It was so nice to laugh and talk about normal stuff. I didn't feel like I had to pretend tonight. I wasn't pretending to be happy or have a good time, I actually was happy for a little while. It felt so good to laugh. It felt so good to feel "normal" again.
Then I drove home. There were several songs that you played for me tonight. I love when you send me a song and even more so when I get multiple songs so I really know it's from you. It was a nice drive home "with you" tonight. But my mind had forgotten all about the nice dinner and company and conversation I had tonight. My mind wandered back to you and the fact that next week I am headed up North for a very difficult time in this life. The dread is creeping in and right now it's over-shadowing the good.
It doesn't seem right, you know? That I'm doing this. That I'm doing this ALONE! I have never felt more alone in my life than the day of your funeral. And that keeps playing back in my mind and I keep playing out Arlington and what it's going to look like and feel like as I sit there and say goodbye-- Again! Tom it is SO wrong, so wrong that I must feel like this. I looked around at your funeral and I resented your whole family. They made me angry and I felt bitter towards them, through no fault of their own, mind you. But there they were standing around, your Mom and Dad, your sisters and their husbands, your brothers and their girlfriends... Do you see the problem? Tom, do you get it? They all had someone and not just anyone but their OWN Someone. They had their significant other. I was alone. I was SO incredibly alone because MY Someone wasn't there standing next to me. He wasn't there to hold me or comfort me or tell me "We'll get through this together" or to take my hand or touch my cheek to wipe away my tears. He wasn't there to give me that little bit of peace and reassurance knowing that I had someone else to lean on. He wasn't standing there next to me because he was laying in front of me. No one else there could do for me what you could have done for me. NO ONE could have made me feel less alone that day (or any day for that matter). No one could have truly comforted me in the way I needed because the one-- the ONLY one who could have given me what I needed was you. I stood there and looked around and I felt so lost even talking with so many people because they couldn't help no matter how desperately they wanted to.
That feeling is coming back. That feeling is slowly creeping back in and I know it's going to knock me on my face again. I know I'm going to have to look around and see what I am supposed to have. I am going to watch others mourn together and many will try to comfort me. I'll let them of course because I know they want to help and I know that it comes from a place of love, but there is no way it will actually help. Nothing can help this. How does the Evanescence song go? "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There is just so much that time can not erase." It's never going to be erased, so I have to continue on this journey alone because you left me no choice. I am alone and as the dread rolls in, so does the fear.
I Love you, Tommy. I miss you... and just now almost literally typed 'and see you soon.' But I won't see you 'til the other side. I can't even see your body again, just your coffin. That's so sad for me and our kids. They love you and miss you, too.