Sunday, August 14, 2011

Lost and Found

Do you know who I am? No really I'm asking because I don't know. Apparently this has been the subconscious question I have been asking EVERYONE about ME for far too long now. I haven't realized it on the level I needed to until recently, but now I can see that is what I was doing. I have been running and hiding from the real world for, oh... say 15 months and 4 days, perhaps. I have been trying to escape from reality. Funny thing is that "C" has told me many times that I don't know what reality is. Wrong. I know what reality is and I Choose to run from it.

I have been trying to figure out my life for a long time and trying to figure out who I am now. I know who I am as a person and back in January I really felt like I found myself, my true self again. I didn't feel lost so much anymore and then somewhere in the past 3 months or so I lost that person. I'll be real here and say that I haven't been the greatest person ever. I haven't held true to my values or character or my convicitions in life. I haven't treated people the way I normally do, nor how I should. I have been a bit mean and I feel bad about it. I really couldn't give a straight answer as to why because I'm not really sure. I'm not proud of myself, but I have to say that I have some amazing friends that have pointed out my faults and still love me none-the-less. I am so thankful and so blessed because not only are they wonderful, they have helped me get back to being the real me (again).

My life has been on drama-overload lately and I got to my breaking point with it. I think I have embraced the drama that has been my life since Tom died because it's what I was used to. Back in December when my relationship with "C" first started to have drama, I talked to one of my guy friends about it. I asked his advice about if I should end things with "C" and he said, "No! That is not at all what I'm saying." I was shocked. I figured as a good friend trying to tell me this guy was no good for me that he would automatically tell me to dump the guy. 'What?' Was all I could say in my moment of shock. He told me, "This guy is perfect for you. All you know anymore is drama and this guy is complete drama, so you should stay with him. You're not drama so you need it in your life." (His explanation on that last sentence was amusing and probably very true but he brought our other friend into it to explain so I'll leave it out for now.) But he was right in the sense that drama was all I knew. Ever since Tom came home from Iraq my life was crazy, and drama had become my comfort zone-- not one I recommend for sure, but it was the one thing I understood.

The thing is that drama never ended with "C" even when our relationship did. When I started dating "K" I just didn't know how to deal with him and his lack of drama. The calmest my life has been in a long time was when "K" was in my life. I felt good about myself and my life and the direction it was headed at that point. I couldn't sit here and explain why I felt the way I did, but I just remember having those thoughts then. I messed up things on that one, but it was a learning experience for sure. I think I've allowed so much drama in my life because it keeps me distracted from reality. And there has been plenty lately. I'll be honest and say most of my drama over the past 15 months has been related to boys (and not just boys I date, but boys who Want to date me), my family, and my drinking (oh it was bad for a while back in the beginning of the year and I don't drink often anymore-- and finally reached a point where I'm going to limit my amount when I do drink). It seems like I need to learn all my lessons the hard way.

I didn't realize how much drama was going on in my life because I was so wrapped up in it. I mean there have been a few times when I have seen my life getting out of control and needed to reign it back in, but this is on a different level and I'm at a point where I'm ready to run from the world and hide in a little hut all by myself and never come out (well only if the hut was a 5 star hotel room suit, lol). I just need to learn to chill for a little while; Take a break and then slowly get back into the real world. I'm going to work and write and take a few small, low key trips. If this plan isn't working well in a few months I'm starting back to school to get my Master's... again, lol. I was going to start again next month, but my Mom told me the other day she didn't think I was ready for it. That made me doubt it, too, and if I was swayed that quickly then it looks like she's right. And I need to figure out where I'll be living before I start classes because I don't want to move in the middle of a semester either.

I ran into people from my home church today (I really was going to go, but Miss Avery didn't want to cooperate), anyway, one person said "I didn't know you were here. I can't keep up with you." Haha, I told her I can't even keep up with me, and that's the sad truth. I just want to calm down and take a step back, reevaluate my life a bit and Finally focus! I finally feel like I'm on the right road now and need to stay on it this time!

I've been running too much. I mean anytime life gets a little hard anymore I am out the door! Well, the running is over because let's be honest, there are times in life when running is not an option, so I need to remember what it's like to face the hard times. We won't even discus the running I do... Uh, I mean did... with Tom's death. Though, I have been much better with that one the, I still have my running moments.

Ok, so, I just used to word drama more than should ever be used for any reason! Moving

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