Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back in NC

I'm here in our NC house. Avery is watching Dora on the couch not feeling well and telling me this house is better than our other house and she doesn't want to leave here. I'm supposed to be getting the house ready for renters, but somehow I just can't. I don't even want to go through anything. I have such anxiety over even looking in the closets. What am I supposed to do with all of our stuff? I mean yes, obviously there is storage, but there is so much that I still need to sort through and I can tell you I have no motivation, nor the mental will power to do so. Oh, my. I just want someone else to handle all this. Actually truth be told I wish this wasn't an issue at all, but this is the life I have been dealt and I'm going to have to put my big girl panites on and deal with it... just not this weekend.

I'm really going to have to be ok with this decision and just go with it. I feel like I'm at home here and don't want to move away-- oh wait I did that about 10 months ago, but it was different because I am up here All the time anyway and have that comfort knowing that I can come whenever I want. I just need to deal with the fact that other people will be living here and I can't come home anytime I want-- that I can't come and be close to Tom. I know that Avery is really upset and really wants to be here at the NC house all the time, but that's because she knows and understands that this is where Daddy was when she was a baby and I know she misses him. She talks about him a lot, especially when we are here. It breaks my heart when my babies talk about their Daddy, what they remember and missing him. This house comforts me a lot. I have peace here, but I don't want to "retreat." I want to be strong enough to keep going. I guess we will see soon enough how this all turns out.

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