We are 6 days into the new year and let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse everyday. Indirectly it's because of you Thomas... oh yeah I just used it so you know I'm mad! Well, actually some of it is really directly because of you-- nothing in my life would be as it is if it weren't for you and your death.
I thought I had found some happiness and some peace, but it's not looking so good now. It's just one more thing I've lost-- oh and I got a phone call today that in some ways I suspected for months I would get, but really hoped I was wrong. I told the person I was too angry to talk right then and I'd have to call them back.
To tell you the truth Thomas, I hate you for this one. I really truly HATE YOU for causing this situation. It's not like I haven't played a big part in it since you died, but it was your death that did it and I told you the day before that you were going to cause damage if you killed yourself. Your response was ridiculous and messed up. You hurt so many people by taking your life. Most importantly was our children.
I HATE YOU for that!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone made the comment that your death was a gift that will continue to give forever and obviously not in a good way. I wish you were alive so I could yell at you, though I may never stop and I kind of want to throw something at you too right now! I haven't been this angry at you before over your death, but today I can't stop the feeling. I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what the right thing and the best thing to do for everyone is and I just can't seem to figure it out.
I want the right answers and I want happiness for the kids and for me. That is what I want this year and so far it's so not looking good!