We are 6 days into the new year and let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse everyday. Indirectly it's because of you Thomas... oh yeah I just used it so you know I'm mad! Well, actually some of it is really directly because of you-- nothing in my life would be as it is if it weren't for you and your death.
I thought I had found some happiness and some peace, but it's not looking so good now. It's just one more thing I've lost-- oh and I got a phone call today that in some ways I suspected for months I would get, but really hoped I was wrong. I told the person I was too angry to talk right then and I'd have to call them back.
To tell you the truth Thomas, I hate you for this one. I really truly HATE YOU for causing this situation. It's not like I haven't played a big part in it since you died, but it was your death that did it and I told you the day before that you were going to cause damage if you killed yourself. Your response was ridiculous and messed up. You hurt so many people by taking your life. Most importantly was our children.
I HATE YOU for that!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone made the comment that your death was a gift that will continue to give forever and obviously not in a good way. I wish you were alive so I could yell at you, though I may never stop and I kind of want to throw something at you too right now! I haven't been this angry at you before over your death, but today I can't stop the feeling. I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what the right thing and the best thing to do for everyone is and I just can't seem to figure it out.
I want the right answers and I want happiness for the kids and for me. That is what I want this year and so far it's so not looking good!
Hang in there girl. Each day is a different battle on this crap journey. I hope you start feeling better and that things improve as this year goes on.
ReplyDeleteThere is this bad thing about being angry Katie, it ends up hurting you (and those you love) more than anyone else. I know because after DH tried to commit suicide first I was hurt then I was angry. That anger lingered for years...and now (after he has died a natural death) it haunts me...with quilt. I hope you can come to terms with your anger...I'm still trying to come to terms with mine.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you feel guilt over your anger. I do not though because I know that it is one of the stages of grieving. Not only that, but my husband did take his life and YES he Was sick and that is why he did it, but it was still a choice and I am left with a huge mess that I can not figure out how to handle. Getting angry at him makes it easier to live because it lessens the pain temporarily. I think it's healthy to be angry with him-- it's not a constant feeling, but it's one that I need to experience and go through. I have a lot of anger towards others as well (myself included and the people in his command and the doctors who were all involved with his death). I don't live in it, but right now because of whatis going on in my life because of his death I think I have every right to be angry.... I know this sounds harsh and you are only trying to help, but I just don't think it's fair for everyone to keep telling ME how I should feel or not feel or act or not act. The love of my life died in a horrible and preventable way and I have TONS of guilt over his death and everyone seems to think I should handle it the way they THINK they would handle it and I'm sorry because it's not fair of me to take it all out on you. I guess this is really a message for everyone as I feel I have lost much of my support that I had in the first couple of months. Now it's like people think I should be making progress 8 months later and it's not up to their standards.
ReplyDeleteI apologize Katie, I didn't mean to sound preachy. If anger works for you and it's where you are right now I had no business telling you not to feel what you're feeling. Our situations are different and you don't know my whole story. I don't mind you taking out anything you're feeling on me sometimes that's what you need, someone who doesn't walk away when you vent. I wish I'd had someone like that for the past year.
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