Thursday, January 13, 2011
Guilty as Charged
This guilt is really getting to me. And I don't like the person it's turning me into. I cant' seem to get a handle on it. I feel so much guilt for your death and fear of what our children will think of me when they are older and start blaming me, too. I never meant for any of this to happen. I can't seem to forgive myself. It's really eating at me right now. All of it is. The role I played in your death and everything I've done since. I should be acting perfectly, but I just went downward. I need strength and forgiveness, but I can't allow it for myself for some reason. Maybe because I don't feel I deserve it? But what about what I'm doing to those around me? They don't deserve the crap I've been dealing out. I wish I could get it together.
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I hate that you feel you have expectations for how to behave as a widow. Why should you be acting perfectly? What is perfect when your husband takes his own life and leaves you to deal with the aftermath? I'm sure you feel guilt, probably piled atop helplessness, which is an equally horrible feeling. Maybe you feel out of control, but that's because you had no control over events that have shaped your life. That's gotta be hard. Go easy on yourself. You'll get it together when you're good and ready.
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