I'm feeling anxious once again. I hate this feeling... like a lot! I think I can tell that something is about to change in my life and I don't know what to expect. I get so worried that it's going to be something really bad. Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times? Well, other times I just Know it's bad and that really scares me. I think this time it's going to be something sad. I don't know what it is, but I kind of have an idea. I guess it's one of those things, though, that is out of my control (pretty much like everything in life), so I'm just trying to stay positive about it all and remember that everything happens for a reason, though ususally have no idea what the reason is.
I texted my ex today. I asked his advice on taking Nathan to see you on the 10th, Tommy, because I've gotten mixed reactions about it. It made me cry after I realzied the significance of what I did. I asked my ex to help me make a decision on our son, Tom. When I'm not sure what is best for our children I should be asking you what I should do. We should be making all decisions about Nathan and Avery together-- not that the ex and I made this decision together, but I wanted his opinion as a Dad himself and as a friend to me. But he and I aren't together anymore. It was strange that I thought instinctively to ask him. We've been broken up for 3 months and have had a rocky time since then, but my first thought was "What would [the ex] tell me to do in this situation?" I trusted his opinion on it and felt comforted by his response. It's almost like he brought me a little peace... on several different levels today. That is a complicated situation if ever there was one, but I'm glad that there is someone to whom I can turn and trust to be there when I need it-- especially in that capacity.
I would love to one day have that one man in my life that I can share a family with again; that man that will be there for me and for our kids, but until God brings him or reveals him to me, then I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a friend I can lean on. I guess I need to be thankful for the things I do have and the needs that God does meet for me that sometimes I overlook. Strange how my mind starts one place and ends another.