One Year (and a few days) Later

May seem scattered, but I'm watching Barbie with Avery and writing this at the same time...

Well, it has now been One YEAR since Tom died. I really can't believe that I made it through, that the first year is over and I Survived! I feel sad and accomplished by this fact. I feel like I'm stronger because some days I didn't know if I'd make it to the next, but I did. I feel sad because it's been a whole year without my love. I used to be so in love with life and living and that died with Tom. I want to feel that way again. Some people say the second year is harder. I'm not sure yet if that is true. I know that in some ways it has been more painful, but I think that is just because I'm no longer in a fog, but at the same time I have found this inner strength that tells me I can go on because I have made it this far.

The 10th was hard. I spent most of the day driving to Arlington. I tried to think of other things that would keep my mind off of Tom, but as 1:00pm approached I got more and more anxious. See, at 1:04PM on May 10, 2010 Tom called me to say his final goodbye. Minutes later he died. On Thursday May 13, 2010, Jena and I were in Verizon. I wanted a new phone because I didn't want anything to happen to the one that had all the saved text messages from Tom on it. So, while in Verizon the song "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat came on. It was the first time I had ever heard it and I lost it, bawling my eyes out in the middle of the store. I feel like there was so much I didn't get to say to Tom before he died. Ever since then that song has completely reminded me of him... Ok, so at 1:04PM this May 10th, one year to the minute after my last phone call from Tom, while I was on my way to see him in Arlington, that song came on the radio. I lost it! Then I was ok again until I actually saw his name on his headstone.

I spent almost an hour crying laying on his grave. I felt so peaceful there and at home. I wanted to stay and take a nap... and just camp out and never leave. I had such a headache from crying so hard and got back on the road to go to my Mom's house. It was so hard to leave him. I know that may seem strange and it's not like I think he's really there, but somehow I feel closer to him. Ok, well, on to year two...