I don't know why the past couple of weeks I have kept thinking about this date, August 18th, where I was last year and where exactly I'd be this year. I think it's because I found the CD that had "August 18, 2009" written on it. It is filled with the pictures that Beth did last summer of the kids and me. I guess when I came across it I started to think about where I was in my life last year on that day and how much life has changed.
Here's a huge look into my personal life and where this past year has brought me. As of August 7th last year we decided to get a divorce. I was finally done with the back and forth dance we had been playing and when you said divorce (over something so stupid) I said fine. I didn't fight. I was done. I get that you were in the middle of a war and couldn't deal with anything even the dumb little thing that sparked it all, but I was so ready to give up. I thought that was it, but a few weeks later you told me how half of your life was miserable and the other half was over and didn't matter without me. The conversations we had made me terrified that you would follow through with your threats to never come home from Afghanistan. I promised you anything and everything and told you how much I loved you and couldn't live without you. I never lied about how much I loved you, I still do, and always will. The love wasn't the problem-- it was everything else.
Well, anyway, back to August 18th. Beth came to my Mom's house and set things up to take the photos. Avery LOVED the camera and posed which was hilarious since she was 11 months old. Nathan was a different story. He did Not want to take pictures. Beth told him that it was a trick they were playing on me and he finally cooperated with taking them. They turned out so darn cute! I hadn't planned on being in the pictures, but I went ahead and did a few. I remember thinking that was how it would be from then on-- just me and the kids taking "family" pictures. It just didn't feel right. it was so sad. We had never had a family picture done of all 4 of us.
Then like I said, you took back wanting a divorce and we decided to work things out. It was a struggle for me from then on, not because I wasn't sure if I loved you (though sometimes I tried to convince myself that I didn't), but because I could feel something bad was coming and I just couldn't shake that feeling. I was trying to protect and prepare myself for whatever was coming, though nothing could have prepared me for this reality. You came home and you were so much different-- better, human again. Things changed and I don't want to go through it all right now, but it didn't turn out the way I thought, hoped, or planned. Life happened. It was somewhat unexpected. For others I'm sure it was completely unexpected, but they didn't live with you. They didn't know you on the level I did. Still, I always thought 'He won't ACTUALLY do it. He would Never go THAT far.' I didn't want to believe it, though I've always known that possibility with you.
So anyway, 3 months ago you died, 6 weeks ago yesterday we burried you. Everyone said that closure woudn't being until after your burial. I get that now. And now? Now life has just totally thrown me for another tail spin, but this time I don't feel trapped in the rip current. I feel like somehow I'm about to ride the wave (not quite there yet, though). Today our son and I had a great day together having some much needed and over due "You and Me Time" as we call it. We went to Chuch E Cheese, got lunch from Red Robin and brought it home to put his new lego set together. (Oh by the way, Thomas, we eat in the living room now-- yes OCD Katie totally allows that AND shoes on the carpet, too-- for now). We had such a good day, though he started to ask some hard questions that broke my heart to answer. I love that little boy more than Anything and it kills me to know that he has ever felt a moment of pain in his beautiful little life. I wish I could wrap him in my arms and sheild him from everything bad in this world. I wish that he truly knew just how much I love him and that was all he needed in life to take away his pain. Wouldn't that be nice?If love could totally erase pain. How much more wonderful of a world we would live in.
I just sit here tonight and think about how different my life has become in the past year. All the different people who are in it right now versus last year. The direction that I thought my life was taking on this day last year and how vastly wrong I was. I couldn't even begin to tell you where it is headed now. I have given up on trying to figure out my future, well ok to some extent. I mean I have plans, but I know that any moment can come along and totally blow those plans out of the water. So I'm just living. I am one of those people who needs to feel in control of their own life, but I'm kind of ok with not trying to control everything in my life (or at least I'm learning).
Right now I have several paths in front of me. Different adventures that I am embarking on. I am here waiting, really. I mean I see certain things that I want and directions that I'd like my life to take, but I'm not going out of my way to try to figure out what will or should happen. I just assume that it will all play out and I just need to be patient and see what God has in store for my life. I suppose I'm trying to approach life a little differently these days seeing as though it didn't always go so well the other way.