Tuesday, August 10, 2010

3 Months Out

Today marks 3 months. It was a Monday (yesterday was Monday) that you died, but it was May 10th and today is August 10th. It's strange to think about everything that has happened in the past 3 months. It's gone by fairly quickly. I used to sit there and torture myself reliving the moments that my CACO and the Chaplin showed up, but now I really try not to. I'm sure I'll be reliving it again today. I did a little yesterday, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it. I haven't had a good cry in probably over a week. Maybe I'll allow that for myself today.

I have decided that I am going to pack up a lot of your stuff. I wanted to do that from the very beginning, but didn't do it for the kids (mostly Nathan). Since he's not here right now I think I'll go ahead and do it. For me it's easier to not look everywhere I turn and see memories of you.
I want to keep your memory alive for the kids-- especially Nathan. But with Avery, I hate to say this, I think it may be better for her not to focus on you. She is so young and doesn't understand. It's not that I don't want her to remember you, I really do, but she is so confused. I told her the other day that Nathan was going to be here next week and she said "And Daddy!" She talks about you not being home and that you are outside. I'm not sure why she keeps thinking you are outside, someone said it's because she saw you walk outside that day and you never came back, so that is where she thinks you are. She is always talking to you and dancing for you. The big picture of you from the MarSOC memorial is on the floor against the wall for her to see and she is always over there talking to and about Daddy. It's so bitter sweet, I just don't know what is best for her. I talk about you a lot with her, too and I just don't want her confused and always asking for you. It's not like I'm going to erase you from our house or our lives or our memories, I just don't think it's healthy to keep things like you are still here and coming home any day.

So back to it being 3 months today. I have come a long way in the past 3 months. I mean really, from wishing and praying for God to take my life to where I am today is a huge difference. To tell you the truth, I am surprised at how well I am doing. I didn't think I'd be in 'this' place for a much, much longer time. I still miss you all the time and wish you were here, but I have found happiness in several areas in my life. I've been thinking about what I was doing on June 10th and really I can't tell you. I remember thinking about how "I can't believe it's been 1 month already," but I don't remember the events of the day. I wish I could, but I don't remember a lot in the first 6 weeks. I probably only have about 10 distinctive memories. Month 2 is a different story. I remember that day pretty well. And today, well who knows what today will bring and if I'll remember it next month. (Side note: as I'm writing this Avery is again talking to your picture and blowing kisses).

Well, I guess we'll see what today brings. I have to say that there is a bit of a heaviness today. I love you Tom. No matter what we went through, I can't help but love you forever. You were my first love, the father of our wonderful children, my husband. It's very odd to think about you being dead for 3 months and how I'll never see your beautiful face again. It's really sad and the tears have started. Rest in peace my love.

Your wife,

1 comment:

  1. Hello Sister, I don't know who you are, but when I read your article on WRAL, not sure why but tears rolled down my eyes. I felt as if I am seeing it with my own eyes. May Allah guide you and help you overcome the grief. However, after reading the article I was able to relate some of this grief which our fellow brothers experienced in the past. Please read the book "The Sealed Nectar", which throws light on the way of life and mentality of Muhammad(saws) and the sufferings he faced and he overcame along with many of the companions.

    Again, with complete sincerity, I ask Allah to guide you and help you overcome this pain.

    -- Mansur Mohammed.