Monday, August 2, 2010

Just Processing Some Things

Dear Tommy,

I guess tonight I just want to share with you about the day I had. One of the guys from your unit came over for a little bit to do the whole "check in" on me thing, see how I was, and just catch up a little. It was a good conversation. I actually laughed quite a lot. It was good to talk about you with someone who knew you and worked with you. Avery really took to him. Not that I'm surprised since he was good with her. Nathan liked him a few years back when he met him, too. He remarked about how the last time we saw each other I was in a very differnt place in life and how surprised he was to see how well I'm doing at this stage in my life. I don't know if many people would call me a "positive person" (at least not about my own life), but he picked up on how positive I am right now. That meant a lot to me. I'm trying to put myself in a better place and I'm glad that it's working (to at least some degree).

After he left I went to check the mail. I had a card from someone I met at a new church I went to last week. It was very touching and just what I needed to hear right now. Part of it read: "If I have learned one thing in my life it's that God has a way of bringing people into relationships with one another during some of the most troubling and difficult times of our lives. Often these friendships are only for a season, and sometimes for only one reason. Often times they may lead to lasting friendships and relationships for a lifetime." I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I know you know that because I've talked to you about it.

There are just so many new people in my life right now. I know that some are here to stay and some are here for a short little while, but they are being deeply impactful none-the-less. I think everything happens for a reason. I have always had that mentality. Things don't always happen for the best, but something positive comes out of everything if you allow it and look for it. I would give anything to have you back, that is obvious, but I am just so thankful for the opportunites that have been presented to me. I do not want to miss out on anything that is put in front of me right now. I'm looking forward to starting my Master's and I'm looking forward to December for several reasons. I'm looking forward to making a difference and hopefully one day getting the chance to stand in front of Congress and address the concerns that need to be heard. I don't feel hopeless right now. I do have some reservations, though.

I have had several people say that I think I am ready for things that I really am not ready for. Maybe they are right. Maybe they are wrong. I am ready to take those chances, though and jump in with both feet and see where I land. That is where I am at tonight, looking at my future and evaluating the roads that lay ahead of me. That is the future I see for myself-- not one full of missed opportunities and regrets, but one where I can look back and say that even if things didn't go the way I planned, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. There are a couple of things I referring to specifically, which I know you know about. Tom, I wish I could get your honest opinion on these things such as which I should go for and which will only backfire. But then that takes the excitement out of figuring it out myself and learning the more profound life lessons. Either way I want the chance to live and see what happens. I want to take those off-the-wall chances that I would have never done before because I didn't truly understand just how short life is. I didn't know how many things one person could regret. I don't want anymore regrets.

The guy from your unit and I talked about that today. He said how he never passes on an opportunity (Ok, the context is totally not the same, but the principal is). I know I have held myself back in so many ways in the past and I am tired of doing it. When it came to differnt things in my past I was afraid to fail, so I wouldn't risk it. Why? Then I have to live looking back and wondering "What if...?" That is not the life I want for me and it's not the way I want to raise our children. I want them to learn that you can give all you have to anything or anyone and you may get nothing back. You may fall, get hurt-- physically or emotionally, fail, win, succeed and triumph, but it doesn't matter because the truth is that unless you make the attempt, unless you put yourself out there, unless you put in more than you think you have, you will never be totally satisfied with yourself. Others may view you one way, but what matters most is how you view yourself. If you know you can give more, but don't then I believe you can not totally accomplish anything.

There is nothing in this world to be afraid of as long I know that I did everything I could do and was always true to who I am. If I fail, I will still succeed in learning something great to have for my future.

Ok, so I'm not sure where all that just came from, but I just started to ramble (surprise, surprise) after the conversations I had today/ tonight. It's just me processing it all, but I believe every last bit of it and will claim it as my truth.


1 comment: