Rocking Chairs

Tommy,

Well tonight I spent some times sitting on our porch in the rocking chairs that I Finally bought the other day. That was one thing I said I Really wanted when we moved in here and you agreed. It was lonely a little and sad. I haven't been crying a whole lot lately, but I did while I was out there. I kept thinking about what it would be like to have you sitting there next to me. What would we talk about? Would you actually sit there and have a deep conversation about life, us, the kids, anything? Would you sit there and appreciate the stars with me? Would we just sit there in silence and enjoy each others company?

I keep picturing you in Savannah sitting on the balcony at the B&B we stayed in. You had your plaid shirt on, feet up, and smoking a cigarette. I guess that is how I picture you here (and with a beer in your hand of course, lol). I keep wondering about all the what-ifs and should-be's. I wanted to look over next to me and see your face. I wanted to turn to you and ask you for your opinion. I need your advice on something (well, lots of things, but tonight specifically one thing). Probably on something that seems ridiculous in many ways, but none-the-less You are the one person whose opinion would matter most on this issue. I wish it was like you could still send me messages somehow and tell me what is going on, what I'm missing, what I should be doing, which direction I am supposed to go in, etc. I did ask for a sign and sorta got one, but I'm not convinced. Can I have another one, lol?

I looked over at your vehicles while I was sitting there and tonight it was hard to look at them. I've been so mad and frustrated with you. I want to know where the vehicle titles are so I can get things taken care of much easier. I spent the whole day trying to get things done and I am not much closer. I just want to call you and ask you where things are. I want to call you and just hear your voice. I want to talk to you and most importantly, I want to put my arms around you. I miss your hugs. Somehow I'd get lost in them and I could stay like that forever. I miss how safe I felt in your arms. How the rest of the world would disappear when we were together and it was just us.

I just really miss you tonight and want you with me. I wanted to sit out there on our porch, at our house, and know what that was like. There are so many things that 'I just wish I knew' what it would be like. Would the little moments in life turn out to be as great as I imagine them to be in my head or would they fall short? I guess it doesn't matter because I'll never know. But tonight... I just wish...

I love you and miss you!
Katie