In a few hours it will be July 24th-- your birthday. You would have been 26, but I sit here right now and think about how you will forever remain 25. You will never get older and watch our children grow into teens and adults. You will never retire and travel around the world with me like we planned.
I sit here and think back to May 9th, Mother's Day. Jena came over tonight and we were talking about that night. I have said before and will say again just how grateful I am to her for giving me one last night with you. I paid close attention to the songs on the radio as we drove around together for the last time. I remembered them all because I knew that you wouldn't be with me much longer and I wanted to have memories of everything that I could hold onto from that last night. Some of them were just normal songs and some of them really struck me as significant. One of those was Jay-Z's version of "Forever Young" and I tired not to cry then and there thinking in that moment that you would always be Forever Young.
I am sobbing at the moment trying to push that pain away. I have found a way to do that lately, but thinking about you and your birthday right now is making it impossible. To think of that night and the following day rips at my soul. If I had done a little more, tried a little harder, if somehow I could change things even now, then you would be here with me tonight and we would be celebrating your birthday tomorrow. The kids aren't with me, but I will be sending you balloons and a note just like we did before and will do every time we want to talk to you. It's probably better without Nathan here tomorrow because I don't know if I could handle this first birthday day while watching your mini-me running around.
I think I'm going to stop by Arlington to see you on Sunday. I miss you so, so much. I love you, Tommy. No matter what my heart is always yours.
Happy Birthday My Love!