Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A Better Place

I think God puts people in our lives for a reason. I always have. I think every opportunity to meet someone new or spend time with someone you already know is a chance to learn and grow. Sometimes we don't understand why we meet people and in reality, I don't think we are always supposed to. I think that when we have the privilege to see the results and effects that others have in our lives we are very blessed.
I have contemplated the lessons I have learned from people in my past on multiple occasions. Sometimes I revisit those thoughts and see if there is anything new I can take away from experiences based on where I am "now" in life.

Why am I talking about all this? Well, because I have met a lot of new people in the past two months that I would have never met if May 10th had turned out differently. I have had conversations with some of those new people who said that there are positive things to happen from every situation. I know a few other people have said it, also, but this was a totally unbiased opinion that wasn't directed At Me or Us or Our Life, but made in general.

Today I am happy to be alive. I haven't felt that way in 2 months, but I am. Last week after the burial I started slowly on this new path, but I feel that I am in full swing right now. I am glad that I am still here and I want to live and be happy and enjoy life. I can't control everything, right? But it's what I do with what I am given. The whole 90/10 rule and all. So, it's what I do with the rest that is going to matter as I start to move forward.

I love when I meet people and realize their significance in my life. They may not know it and our chance meetings may not have anything to do with them (or with me for that matter), but it's awesome to see it. It's awesome to see how God places certain people in our lives at just the right moments, whether it be for one conversation or many, there is a reason and a lesson to be learned. There are 2 people I have met recently who have given me some greatness within this darkness I have been living. They are 2 people who are very different and have played different roles in my life, but both significant in their own way. I feel awake and ready to face to the world. I don't want to hide away anymore. I want to embrace life and all the good it has to offer.

I am looking forward to my future right now. I am shocked that I have that feeling right now. I know it could all change and I will have my bad days, and weeks, but as I was reminded last night, happiness is contagious. I want to be happy, I want others around me to be happy. I want to have fun and enjoy life. It was asked of me yesterday at an appointment I had if I have ever been this free. I thought about it and said no. I am and it feels so good. I know that "freedom" is only temporary, as my responsibilities are still here waiting, but it's nice to have a much needed break. I am trying to look for the positives in life and I have found a few, even though I feel horribly guilty to even think that way, I do think of the good that is my life right now. I feel so blessed to be out of that horrid darkness I was in. I know it'll come back, but I'm good right now. Even after the upsetting (to say the least) incident in the truck yesterday, I am feeling good. I am trying to move forward. I know that it will be a long process and my love will always be there and the pain will always be there, but I need to be in a better place than I was just a few short weeks ago. I want to live life like it's an adventure. I talked with someone today who mentioned the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. Most of the time we don't want to or don't' feel we are able to live that way, but that is exactly how I feel I want to live. I want to take those trips we talked about. I want to take the trips that "I" wanted to go on. I want to go places and do and see things that would be fulfilling to me.

I love you Tom, and I know you are always with me. I know that you are telling me to live and that is what I not only have to do, but what I want to do. I hope you stay with me as I begin this new adventure in life. I hope you are happy for me and that I make you proud. I hope that you are shining down on me and I will be thinking of you and carrying you with me every step of the way.


  1. I've never lost a spouse, but have seen both my mother, step-mother, and all four grandparents (I was very close to all) die. At first, I always think I am never gonna smile again, never gonna laugh at a joke, never even crack a smile. But, life does go on Katie. I am glad to see you realizing that. Tommy did what he felt he had to do, but you still have a life to live - one that can be very rewarding if you choose to make it so. I don't want you to ever "get over" Tommy, but I hope each day you wake up, you are a little less sad and miss him a little less because that is best for you and the kids both. Keep him in your heart, but keep moving forward girl!

  2. Glad to see it was a good day. I don't know if it applies but it reminded me of a quote from Fight Club, 'It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything'.

    I finally got around to reading your thoughts here, you write well, although its probably something I shouldn't do at work.

    Hope tomorrow is also good.

    ps - try using paragraphs, it makes it easier for the reader...i kid, i kid :)


  3. I left a comment...where the efff is it?

  4. So sorry for your loss. You have been very courageous. There is no easy way to grieve and it takes way longer then anyone can imagine. At the same time there are so many opportunities for your future. I'm sure your husband would want you to have a full life. Thank you for sharing and know that you are supported by so many.
    Lynn Latta

  5. I'm so glad that prayers have been working and things are looking up! You are right, there will still be many more hard days ahead but the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel should be so comforting! I'm so happy your spirits are better, your kids deserve to have all of you, a happy you! Continued prayers for you Katie!