Learning...

As per Mike's request... Paragraphs, lol ...

It's strange how some days you feel fine and other days, well... your heart just feels like it's ripping out of your chest all over again. Yesterday was one of those days. It started out great: went to the gym, did some more organizing around the house, relaxed a little, but then... I guess my good day came crashing down for a while.

First of all I started to Finally watch the rest of the Big Love episodes that have been sitting here for 2 months. I thought I could do it. I've been happy lately (yes I did use that word correctly-- happy), so I didn't think anything would bring me down, not even this (note: see blog titled "Big Love" for significance) But no, that was not the case. I got anxious and had to turn it off. I cried a little and then went to check my mail. What did I find? First was some more death certificates. Really? Do I need more of those? Well, Apparently. But that just made me lose it. I also had a card in the mail from my cousin. It was a really sweet card to show me her support and love. Her words were sincere. It made me cry even more. She was very encouraging. As I read it I actually believed I was the woman she described me to be. I hope I am that woman-- the "strong, beautiful, and courageous woman"... "despite the pain and grief." I am trying to be strong.

At first strong was the word that angered me the most, but now I try to embrace it. I have been through some hard things in life just as we all have. I have made it out and keep on pushing. Strong is a word that I try to live by-- that I am choosing to live by. But it still made me sad to think that I have to be strong because of the circumstances I am in. I am working on getting myself past this part and I am on my way. I am becoming a stronger person, but I am not there yet. I still get weak and weary almost daily.

After I read the card I turned on the TV and started watching Family Guy. Of all the shows in the world, I would think that this and That 70's Show would make me cry the most. But no, somehow it was comforting. I felt like Tom was there with me for a little while. He used to quote Family Guy AT LEAST twice a day. And if he ever quoted something I wasn't sure of, my first guess would be Family Guy and I was almost guaranteed to be right. The two episodes that were on were perfectly picked for me. I laughed and talked to Tom about it just as if he was here with me. It was in a way very unsettling, though. Here I am in the flesh and I'm holding a conversation with my husband whom I can't see or hear, but just feel his presence sometimes. (And let me note that "conversation" is probably the wrong term because it was obviously one sided). He made me smile for a little while. I really felt like we were there together; it was so nice.
...I got it Tom, I really got it. The message that you sent with the second episode, I know what you were trying to say. The song. I got it. Thank you, because it meant a lot to me...

Some days are harder than others, I am very well aware of this. I am having more better days than bad days lately and I am so thankful for that. I'll take what I can get while I can get it. Nothing is lasting in this life. Sometimes that is a sad thing, and other times its that hope that "this too shall pass" that gets us through. I am good with where my life is right now. I feel like I'm just living. I don't have to plan or worry or make huge decisions. I can enjoy myself and all that surrounds me.

I am learning more and more about who I am again and what I want in life. I love when something jumps out and just gives me the wisdom I need to hear. It's happened twice today. The first was quote that one of Tom's friend's Mom posted on facebook that I re-posted myself. It said, “If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart. Then in living - I have made my mark.” T.Odem. I would like to believe that I have been that significant in other people's lives from time to time, leaving my mark in a positive way on the world.

The other piece of wisdom I got today was from Big Love... Yes today I can handle it with no tears, go figure. You really never know what or when something will set you off... Anyway, it's nothing too deep, but it kind of goes with a conversation I just recently had with someone who asked me what I want out of life. Well, Margene was talking to a woman and said, "Something like this doesn't happen very often. When you meet someone who makes you feel like a better person, someone who makes you realize that you can be more than who you are. If you ask me, that's love. Sometimes you have to fight for it." I agree that things like that don't happen often, but it's nice when they do. I know exactly what I want from life and this is one of the greater things I am hoping for one day. I'd love to say that I will find everything I want in life-- or maybe better yet, that it will somehow find me. I do not know what life has in store, but I am excited to see where I am in the next 6 months, in the next year. I feel like this "journey" I have been on is going to become an adventure. That in itself is exciting.