I went to see "Eat Pray Love" last night and it has the wheels in my mind turning even more than before. Since you died, Tom, I have just wanted to pack up and move away, start over somewhere and not tell anyone where I am. Yup. That is what I want to do. Problem is the kids. I do not have the option to just run and hide from all of the world. It sucks! It's not even that I want to hide form the world, I just want to experience the world. I want to live it in a totally different way.
Italy. That was the first place she went on her trip. It's the place I've been talking about going since the beginning. I am just consumed with the thought. I have contemplated going on my own, but since I don't know the language I have advised myself against it. So it's obviously not just like the movie, but I still just want to go so desperately. I can go somewhere else on my own where I can understand them. So, then it comes down to who will go with me and when. That is the next thing I am figuring out. A friend told me to wait until the spring and then they'd be able to go. But do I wait? Really, I'm not sure. I don't really want to wait that long for Italy and it's not a guarantee anyway. Part of me thinks 'Just Go, Katie! Just go on your own.' I am a big girl. I can handle it. But I do think it would be more exciting to go with another person. So...
Then where do I go now? I need to get away. Away from Jacksonville. Away from North Carolina. I need to go. Ok, I am feeling brave so I am going to share my secret here and make it so public that I can no longer hold this excuse to anyone. I don't want to be here, BUT I am so tired of people telling me to go back home to Delaware that I have used this house as my crutch for not leaving. Truth be told, I would have to rent it out and I have no desire to do that Or I could sell it and lose several thousands of dollars, which by-the-way I am Not Ok with. So, what are my options? I have too many to choose from right now, which means that I will just stay put for the time being until something tells me "it's time to move." I am ready for a sign, but I don't think there is one on its way just yet.
I told someone last night that my plan is to be here for 2 years because that is when the house won't cost me money and when I should be done my Master's and getting a job. I know that 2 years is a very long time and hopefully something will get me to where I need to be before that. But it's nice to have options and not have to decide right now. I can basically do anything I want really, which is funny since I talk all the time about how much I hate having to make decisions (then again I don't actually Have to, I just Can). I want out of this house though, for several reasons. I suppose that is why I just want to travel so much right now. Little trips, big trips, it doesn't matter.
Mike and I decided that we need to sit down and have a talk and I offered to drive up there just for that. I mean really, what is 8 hours right now? No big deal. I'll go for a day or 2. Not much else to do with my life right now? Well, after that little trip, then what? I want to do something and go somewhere Big! Even if it's Florida to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (Haha Rachel!). You know I've never been to Florida. We were supposed to do that this summer (Thanks, Tom. Ha-ha?). I just feel like I need to be on the move for a while. I'd love to take Nathan and do something fun with him like that, but I don't think I have enough time to plan it before school starts. I am taking the kids to Midevil Times soon. Nathan still talks about going there (your Mom mentioned that, too). And yes, I said KIDS. I am super duper crazy, but I have no one to watch Avery and I told Nathan we'd go and really I think it's something he needs. He doesn't think we (him, Avery, and I) are a family without you and that breaks my heart. He doesn't think we can do all the fun things anymore, so I want to take him somewhere that we had good memories from and show him that we are a family and we can still have fun. I want to bring him somewhere that we have already been to create additional memories in a new way.
I want to do things with Nathan, but I want to do things on my own right now too. I have no idea what the next year will bring-- I don't even know what the next week will bring, but I don't want to pass anything up. If it matters, I must do it. And right now there are a lot of things that matter to me. Now, if I could just figure out which ones to do first, lol. Maybe I have so many things to do and places I want to visit because I can't get out of this town "forever" right now, but I really just need to escape. I think there is more to it, though.
I need to find me. I know that sounds selfish since I have 2 amazing kids, and I want and will be here for them the best I can, but if anyone knows what the past few years have been like for me, I think they'd understand that where I am at is not where I should be. I should've done things different, but here we are. I pretty much know who I am and what I want, I just have a little missing link on how to get there. That is the part I need to figure out before I can end this selfish phase I am in. I am enjoying the sense of freedom I have, but there really is some Thing that is missing still. And while I search for it I am going to live this life and enjoy all the good it brings to me. I have so much good to give back and want to share it all with everyone, I just am so thankful that right now I have some of it for myself.