Dear Tommy,
Something has been bothering me lately. I think in the past few days since it's just been Avery and me I have had time to sit there and talk to her and focus on "her" not "the kids," which has allowed me to change some of my wording. For example, I say, "Do you want to be like Mommy and sit at the table like a big girl?" And things of that nature. Then it hit me. She has me, her Mom, her role model, a female to emulate and learn from. Nathan, doesn't have that person anymore. I know I've talked about how he wants a Daddy and he needs that male father figure, but it just struck me that, she has that person in her life and he doesn't. What he learns from me will be based on the female perspective. So who's going to teach him the day to day male things? The things that can't be learned from me or a woman in general? Yeah ok, a female who knows how to change her oil could teach him that, so could our male neighbor, but it's not the same as when it comes from "Dad." It's pretty sad. Even when were up at my Mom's house he wanted to know why we were all girls and he was the only boy there. He needs that, Tom. I've been telling you for a long time that he needs you and you were doing so well with him. And you had so many more plans for the summer with him. It's sad that now he doesn't have that. Thankfully Avery does, but I don't want Nathan to feel left out.
Ok, next on my mind... Avery is so funny. She is just like you and she will Not drink the end of her drinks! Rarely she will (only if she's super tired), but she tells me it's empty and doesn't want it!
Ok, so there is an opportunity to go to Savannah with some other military widows and I'm debating on if I should go or not. If it was anywhere else I'm sure I'd jump at the chance and if it was with YOU I'd also jump at the chance. That was the place we ever got to go away to, just you and me. It was fun. Remember the tornado siren? LOL! Ok, so I'm still laughing about you. Oh and the food was to die for! Everything except Paula Deen's restaurant. That was very disappointing and over priced. But everything else was great! The B&B was great and the owner was awesome. She kept giving you a hard time because you were a picky eater. She was so funny and really nice. We didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and we said we would go back. It was so nice getting to have that time with you. I'm so glad we had that trip. BUT now I can go back. I can go and maybe do the few things we didn't get done on our first trip. But if I do that then will I really be able to handle it? Will I really enjoy it or will I be stuck crying ever 10 minutes things "When Tom and I were here..." Oh, Tommy, I have that picture of you at the cemetery there and it still haunts me. For some reason it always has. It's crazy, but as much as I love it, it also is kind of eery to me and has been since I saw it. I'm sure no one else would think like that, but it's just one of those things.
So, back to whether or not I go... What do you think, Tom? Should I go back without you? I know if I do go back and break down crying they would all understand and be supportive, but I don't want to be a downer and I don't know if I'd actually do well with everything. It's something to think about. Let me know what you think... Oh... yeah...
I love you!
Love,
Katie
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thanks for the Visit, Tom
Dear Tommy,
Thanks for the visit. It was bitter-sweet. I was dreaming about you, but it felt SO real and caught me off guard. I thought you were still alive and said something about it, but then I realized or you told me that you weren't. I remember saying it; "You're alive!" And then it hit me. And it hurt. I don't remember the whole dream, which is disappointing. I do remember that like most of my dreams with you in them, you were getting ready to deploy and I kept trying to get you to stay. This one was a little different type of deployment though, but I can't remember it exactly. There was something about Nathan in it, too. I hope it all comes to me during the day. I want so desperately to remember every detail about it all. I know that you came to visit me and said you couldn't stay for long. You always tell me that you can't stay for long. I wish it was forever, but I'll take anything that I can get. Every moment with you is so precious and a little gift that I can keep in my heart and my memory. I kept thinking during this dream that I would remember it so well since it was so real. I keep trying to figure out where we were driving to. I Think we were looking for Nathan so you could see him.
It was strange because I "woke up" or at least became aware of everything because when I found out you really weren't alive it was that dose of reality that forced disappointment on me and made me hold on tighter to you and the time we had. At the same time the rain was pounding on the roof. Rain never wakes me up, but it was so loud that I thought that it was raining inside the house, but I wouldn't let that take me away from you and our time together. I was operating on both the conscious and unconscious levels at the same time. It was so nice to see you like that. I wish that we weren't always getting ready for another deployment and getting ready to leave me, but I guess that's my way of knowing that I have to let you go because you are not mine to keep here with me forever now. We will be together forever one day. I look forward to it, Tom because I love you and miss you more than words or tears could ever express. Thank you for spending that time with me. I needed it.
Love you always,
Your wife,
Katie
Thanks for the visit. It was bitter-sweet. I was dreaming about you, but it felt SO real and caught me off guard. I thought you were still alive and said something about it, but then I realized or you told me that you weren't. I remember saying it; "You're alive!" And then it hit me. And it hurt. I don't remember the whole dream, which is disappointing. I do remember that like most of my dreams with you in them, you were getting ready to deploy and I kept trying to get you to stay. This one was a little different type of deployment though, but I can't remember it exactly. There was something about Nathan in it, too. I hope it all comes to me during the day. I want so desperately to remember every detail about it all. I know that you came to visit me and said you couldn't stay for long. You always tell me that you can't stay for long. I wish it was forever, but I'll take anything that I can get. Every moment with you is so precious and a little gift that I can keep in my heart and my memory. I kept thinking during this dream that I would remember it so well since it was so real. I keep trying to figure out where we were driving to. I Think we were looking for Nathan so you could see him.
It was strange because I "woke up" or at least became aware of everything because when I found out you really weren't alive it was that dose of reality that forced disappointment on me and made me hold on tighter to you and the time we had. At the same time the rain was pounding on the roof. Rain never wakes me up, but it was so loud that I thought that it was raining inside the house, but I wouldn't let that take me away from you and our time together. I was operating on both the conscious and unconscious levels at the same time. It was so nice to see you like that. I wish that we weren't always getting ready for another deployment and getting ready to leave me, but I guess that's my way of knowing that I have to let you go because you are not mine to keep here with me forever now. We will be together forever one day. I look forward to it, Tom because I love you and miss you more than words or tears could ever express. Thank you for spending that time with me. I needed it.
Love you always,
Your wife,
Katie
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Our Little Girl
Dear Tommy,
I'm not going to talk about Nathan tonight for one because he's not here and for two because I'd cry more if I'm talking about both of our kids. But our little girl... is getting so big! You already know how smart she is because you were here when she was 18 months and started talking in 4 word sentences. You saw how fast she picked up on things and well she learns (sometimes the wrong things). She's amazing. Oh, but she is getting to that point where she wants to test me and put me in my place and assert herself. Don't worry, I will not let her get away with the things Nathan used to get away with. She was saying something today and I repeated it and she told me "Stop copying me!" She's actually done so many funny things today that I can't even remember. Last night was too funny. We were at my new friend's house and everything I'd say Avery said, like usual. But then I said, "I love you" and she started waving and said "Goodbye!" Maybe it's one of those things you had to be there for, but we were laughing pretty hard at her. She is so independent and fearless, Tom. She jumps on the couch and climbs and thinks nothing of it. I'm trying to break her of that. We don't need 2 of them, but we do know where she got it from.
I was crying several times today and most of the time she'll say "Mommy crying?" And then at one point she asked, "What's wrong?" I told her the truth. I said, 'Daddy is dead and I miss him.' She doesn't know what that means, but sooner than later she will. She'll be asking all sorts of questions about you. The most important ones will be "Where's my Daddy? Why did he die?" And someday she'll know. Ok, this post is about her to you, so let me tell you about her and the things she's doing.
Her hair is long enough that I can really pull it back into a pony tail. I know you did it once, but it didn't work well. You've been asking me since last year when her hair was going to grow and be long and girly. It started to before you died, but it's really grown since then. It's like all of a sudden it's the way you wanted to see it. Thinking about that makes me sad. You can't see it, but you should. You should be the one who is here doing her hair. I'll never forget when I took Nathan to the park a few months ago (maybe more than a few at this point) and you text me "I did Avery's hair." I was so excited to come home and see what you did. There were clips all in it. She was laughing and having a good time. She looked funny in a really cute way. She would never take her hair out when Daddy did it, but Mommy? It would never stay in! She was constantly pulling her clips out. That drove me crazy! I used to make you do her hair a lot for that reason. And let's be honest, you were better at it then me except for when it came to the hair ties because you couldn't figure them out. It was funny to watch. I wish you were still here to do her hair.
I put her in that one set of footie pajamas tonight and she could actually walk around in them with no problem, which tells me that she has grown a lot in the past couple of months. She would always come up to you, put her foot out in your face and say "Fix, fix" because they were too big and she hated when her foot didn't stay in the footie part. She has this attitude now. I mean even more than before! She thinks she owns the world. And her screeching? Well, let's just say that people still comment on it, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be! They have No idea!
She loves you and misses you so much. I'm so sad that her Nathan don't get to grow up with you. I am so sad that I don't get to raise our children with you, but I have to do it alone. We talked about things that we would tell our kids and things we wouldn't, but their are some conversations that just come better from Dad than from Mom.
We sang "Pants on the ground" today, but her dance is no where near as funny when you would do it. I think I have that on video. I should really look into that. I wish I had more pictures of you with Avery (and you in general). I've never been good at that. I'm sure I'll remember some of her funny antics later and just come back and add them in.
Love you always,
Katie
I'm not going to talk about Nathan tonight for one because he's not here and for two because I'd cry more if I'm talking about both of our kids. But our little girl... is getting so big! You already know how smart she is because you were here when she was 18 months and started talking in 4 word sentences. You saw how fast she picked up on things and well she learns (sometimes the wrong things). She's amazing. Oh, but she is getting to that point where she wants to test me and put me in my place and assert herself. Don't worry, I will not let her get away with the things Nathan used to get away with. She was saying something today and I repeated it and she told me "Stop copying me!" She's actually done so many funny things today that I can't even remember. Last night was too funny. We were at my new friend's house and everything I'd say Avery said, like usual. But then I said, "I love you" and she started waving and said "Goodbye!" Maybe it's one of those things you had to be there for, but we were laughing pretty hard at her. She is so independent and fearless, Tom. She jumps on the couch and climbs and thinks nothing of it. I'm trying to break her of that. We don't need 2 of them, but we do know where she got it from.
I was crying several times today and most of the time she'll say "Mommy crying?" And then at one point she asked, "What's wrong?" I told her the truth. I said, 'Daddy is dead and I miss him.' She doesn't know what that means, but sooner than later she will. She'll be asking all sorts of questions about you. The most important ones will be "Where's my Daddy? Why did he die?" And someday she'll know. Ok, this post is about her to you, so let me tell you about her and the things she's doing.
Her hair is long enough that I can really pull it back into a pony tail. I know you did it once, but it didn't work well. You've been asking me since last year when her hair was going to grow and be long and girly. It started to before you died, but it's really grown since then. It's like all of a sudden it's the way you wanted to see it. Thinking about that makes me sad. You can't see it, but you should. You should be the one who is here doing her hair. I'll never forget when I took Nathan to the park a few months ago (maybe more than a few at this point) and you text me "I did Avery's hair." I was so excited to come home and see what you did. There were clips all in it. She was laughing and having a good time. She looked funny in a really cute way. She would never take her hair out when Daddy did it, but Mommy? It would never stay in! She was constantly pulling her clips out. That drove me crazy! I used to make you do her hair a lot for that reason. And let's be honest, you were better at it then me except for when it came to the hair ties because you couldn't figure them out. It was funny to watch. I wish you were still here to do her hair.
I put her in that one set of footie pajamas tonight and she could actually walk around in them with no problem, which tells me that she has grown a lot in the past couple of months. She would always come up to you, put her foot out in your face and say "Fix, fix" because they were too big and she hated when her foot didn't stay in the footie part. She has this attitude now. I mean even more than before! She thinks she owns the world. And her screeching? Well, let's just say that people still comment on it, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be! They have No idea!
She loves you and misses you so much. I'm so sad that her Nathan don't get to grow up with you. I am so sad that I don't get to raise our children with you, but I have to do it alone. We talked about things that we would tell our kids and things we wouldn't, but their are some conversations that just come better from Dad than from Mom.
We sang "Pants on the ground" today, but her dance is no where near as funny when you would do it. I think I have that on video. I should really look into that. I wish I had more pictures of you with Avery (and you in general). I've never been good at that. I'm sure I'll remember some of her funny antics later and just come back and add them in.
Love you always,
Katie
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Dread
Dear Tommy,
I feel the dread slowly creeping in. I feel it even though I had such a good night tonight. It was maybe the best night I've had since you died, Tom. I had dinner and wine with a new friend and we laughed and talked and I felt normal. Even though I gave her the Cliff's Notes version of 'Tommy & Katie' it wasn't hard or sad for me. It was almost normal. Maybe because I've told this story so many times that I feel almost detached to it. Maybe she's just one of those easy people to talk to. I did (like usual) seem to have a hard time collecting my thoughts at times, but she didn't seem to mind. I felt like it was just a long over due Girls Night that I haven't done in a while. I didn't feel sad even when I was talking about you. It was easy for some reason. She's a really great person and I think you'd actually like her and be good with me hanging out with her. It was so nice to laugh and talk about normal stuff. I didn't feel like I had to pretend tonight. I wasn't pretending to be happy or have a good time, I actually was happy for a little while. It felt so good to laugh. It felt so good to feel "normal" again.
Then I drove home. There were several songs that you played for me tonight. I love when you send me a song and even more so when I get multiple songs so I really know it's from you. It was a nice drive home "with you" tonight. But my mind had forgotten all about the nice dinner and company and conversation I had tonight. My mind wandered back to you and the fact that next week I am headed up North for a very difficult time in this life. The dread is creeping in and right now it's over-shadowing the good.
It doesn't seem right, you know? That I'm doing this. That I'm doing this ALONE! I have never felt more alone in my life than the day of your funeral. And that keeps playing back in my mind and I keep playing out Arlington and what it's going to look like and feel like as I sit there and say goodbye-- Again! Tom it is SO wrong, so wrong that I must feel like this. I looked around at your funeral and I resented your whole family. They made me angry and I felt bitter towards them, through no fault of their own, mind you. But there they were standing around, your Mom and Dad, your sisters and their husbands, your brothers and their girlfriends... Do you see the problem? Tom, do you get it? They all had someone and not just anyone but their OWN Someone. They had their significant other. I was alone. I was SO incredibly alone because MY Someone wasn't there standing next to me. He wasn't there to hold me or comfort me or tell me "We'll get through this together" or to take my hand or touch my cheek to wipe away my tears. He wasn't there to give me that little bit of peace and reassurance knowing that I had someone else to lean on. He wasn't standing there next to me because he was laying in front of me. No one else there could do for me what you could have done for me. NO ONE could have made me feel less alone that day (or any day for that matter). No one could have truly comforted me in the way I needed because the one-- the ONLY one who could have given me what I needed was you. I stood there and looked around and I felt so lost even talking with so many people because they couldn't help no matter how desperately they wanted to.
That feeling is coming back. That feeling is slowly creeping back in and I know it's going to knock me on my face again. I know I'm going to have to look around and see what I am supposed to have. I am going to watch others mourn together and many will try to comfort me. I'll let them of course because I know they want to help and I know that it comes from a place of love, but there is no way it will actually help. Nothing can help this. How does the Evanescence song go? "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There is just so much that time can not erase." It's never going to be erased, so I have to continue on this journey alone because you left me no choice. I am alone and as the dread rolls in, so does the fear.
I Love you, Tommy. I miss you... and just now almost literally typed 'and see you soon.' But I won't see you 'til the other side. I can't even see your body again, just your coffin. That's so sad for me and our kids. They love you and miss you, too.
Love always,
Katie
I feel the dread slowly creeping in. I feel it even though I had such a good night tonight. It was maybe the best night I've had since you died, Tom. I had dinner and wine with a new friend and we laughed and talked and I felt normal. Even though I gave her the Cliff's Notes version of 'Tommy & Katie' it wasn't hard or sad for me. It was almost normal. Maybe because I've told this story so many times that I feel almost detached to it. Maybe she's just one of those easy people to talk to. I did (like usual) seem to have a hard time collecting my thoughts at times, but she didn't seem to mind. I felt like it was just a long over due Girls Night that I haven't done in a while. I didn't feel sad even when I was talking about you. It was easy for some reason. She's a really great person and I think you'd actually like her and be good with me hanging out with her. It was so nice to laugh and talk about normal stuff. I didn't feel like I had to pretend tonight. I wasn't pretending to be happy or have a good time, I actually was happy for a little while. It felt so good to laugh. It felt so good to feel "normal" again.
Then I drove home. There were several songs that you played for me tonight. I love when you send me a song and even more so when I get multiple songs so I really know it's from you. It was a nice drive home "with you" tonight. But my mind had forgotten all about the nice dinner and company and conversation I had tonight. My mind wandered back to you and the fact that next week I am headed up North for a very difficult time in this life. The dread is creeping in and right now it's over-shadowing the good.
It doesn't seem right, you know? That I'm doing this. That I'm doing this ALONE! I have never felt more alone in my life than the day of your funeral. And that keeps playing back in my mind and I keep playing out Arlington and what it's going to look like and feel like as I sit there and say goodbye-- Again! Tom it is SO wrong, so wrong that I must feel like this. I looked around at your funeral and I resented your whole family. They made me angry and I felt bitter towards them, through no fault of their own, mind you. But there they were standing around, your Mom and Dad, your sisters and their husbands, your brothers and their girlfriends... Do you see the problem? Tom, do you get it? They all had someone and not just anyone but their OWN Someone. They had their significant other. I was alone. I was SO incredibly alone because MY Someone wasn't there standing next to me. He wasn't there to hold me or comfort me or tell me "We'll get through this together" or to take my hand or touch my cheek to wipe away my tears. He wasn't there to give me that little bit of peace and reassurance knowing that I had someone else to lean on. He wasn't standing there next to me because he was laying in front of me. No one else there could do for me what you could have done for me. NO ONE could have made me feel less alone that day (or any day for that matter). No one could have truly comforted me in the way I needed because the one-- the ONLY one who could have given me what I needed was you. I stood there and looked around and I felt so lost even talking with so many people because they couldn't help no matter how desperately they wanted to.
That feeling is coming back. That feeling is slowly creeping back in and I know it's going to knock me on my face again. I know I'm going to have to look around and see what I am supposed to have. I am going to watch others mourn together and many will try to comfort me. I'll let them of course because I know they want to help and I know that it comes from a place of love, but there is no way it will actually help. Nothing can help this. How does the Evanescence song go? "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There is just so much that time can not erase." It's never going to be erased, so I have to continue on this journey alone because you left me no choice. I am alone and as the dread rolls in, so does the fear.
I Love you, Tommy. I miss you... and just now almost literally typed 'and see you soon.' But I won't see you 'til the other side. I can't even see your body again, just your coffin. That's so sad for me and our kids. They love you and miss you, too.
Love always,
Katie
Ingenious! & The Calm Before The Storm
Yes, that is what I am referring to myself as today. Why? For several reasons. The first and most important is that I have a brilliant book idea. Ok, so MAYBE it's not going to pan out, but I have found that there are more people out there in the world who are like me than I thought and I bet this book would sell more than 100 copies. I think it will do really well! I'm excited about it and hope that others will be, too. Now I just have to figure out how to go about getting it done. I still have my other book ideas and the book I sort of started last summer is up there in priority, but I'm not sure I want to really go there yet. This book idea is one that would be fun to write. I don't want to do this one alone, so I may ask one or two other people what they think and if they'd be willing to co-author it with me. I also would love to find the children's book I wrote last summer, but I think Tom threw it away while trying to organize for me. That is one thing I can not seem to do well with, but I am coming out of my fog bit by bit and hopefully will be better suited to assist someone else as they organize for me, lol!
On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.
*****
This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.
On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.
*****
This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Mrs." Bagosy?
Ok, so I was reading the Military Widow book that my CACO gave me as standard issue and while most of it was wonderfully helpful there were several things that hadn't crossed my mind until reading it, and I must say I could have done without (at least for now). One thing that really bothered me is how they kept referring to us as widows and not wives. Ok, I get it. I hate the word widow, but keep using it because I feel I need to say it to myself until I believe it's true. But I did NOT appreciate how the book mentioned several times that I am no longer Tom's WIFE. Um, hello? Are you serious? I AM TOO STILL HIS WIFE! Aren't I? I mean, really, am I? And if I'm not then who am I? I took vows that said "Til DEATH do us part" and I kept my end of the deal, I guess he did too in some ways, but then what? What happens to me once he's gone? Am I not still referred to as Mrs. Bagosy? Yes. Do I change that to Ms.? I don't think so! And even if that is what would be expected of me (which I know is not) I would not. I AM Mrs. Bagosy, so aren't I then still Tom's wife? Why can't I say that? Why do I ever have to take off my wedding ring if I don't want to? Why do I need to circle "Widow" when I'm asked my marital status on doctors forms and the like? Why can't I still have my husband? I still call him my husband, so why not say that I'm still his wife? I know the book was not trying to do anything but be real and show me the expectations of this new life, but it bothered me to hear (read) that I'm no longer his wife. I don't want to accept any of this, and that sure didn't help. Ok, I'm done with my tangent for now.
Monday, June 21, 2010
6 Weeks Later
Dear Tommy,
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)