Venting...

There are so many things running through my mind right now, but I should go to bed since I've been up since 4am and have a long week ahead of me. But I did want to get a few of these thoughts out while I have a chance. Yes, BOTH kids are asleep, so I have 10 minutes! Nathan is impossible to get to bed these days-- weeks now since it's been 5 weeks today that it happened.

I watched this documentary called The American Widow Project. I have spoken with a couple of military widows, but I think this movie was really what I needed, at least for tonight. I don't know if it's different because we are young or because of the military or maybe it's all the same everywhere it just depends on who your talking to at the moment, but I felt validated tonight. Tom's Aunt has made me feel that way, too (validated), but this past weekend was super hard on me in that I was made to feel wrong, and that is so not what I need right now. I realize that I am not handling this the way that others would like me to, but since when have I followed the mold of what people have expected from me? Apparently-- and not to name any names here to throw anyone under the bus, but apparently the way I am grieving is not ok to some of those close to me and people around them. Hmm, I wonder why I've shut some people out right now? Have they wondered about that? I am a TWENTY SEVEN (27) year old Widow. Some of my friends are still single and living at home with their parents (not putting anyone down), while I have been married, had 2 children, and I'm now a widow. This should NOT be my life, yet it is. I feel so old while others get to still be young. I do not deal with personal tragedies well and never have. This is something so much bigger and deeper than anyone at this age should be dealing with and apparently I went from being "So Strong" and composed to being a basket case-- and a selfish one at that.

I wish I could be like other widows. Ok, really I wish I had absolutely NO clue what it was like to be other widows. I wish that the word "widow" still meant a little old granny in her 70's who was with her husband of 50 years, had 5 children, and 11 grandchildren (or some other variation that had nothing to do with me). However, since I am a widow, I wish I could find strength like some do, well, apparently most do, in their children or even in making their husbands' proud and living for them. I don't have that luxury. And watching the documentary tonight made me feel somewhat better knowing there was another Mom that had a hard time being a Mom at first and doing the day-to-day with her child.

I LOVE my babies, let's get the record straight, but for the past 3 years many people around me have told me that I can't take care of my kids unless I take care of myself first. Well, that wasn't the case because I sure took care of them. Now, though, that I'm trying to take care of myself first (Because I do Not have anything to give them and I think I am only making their lives worse) I am told to "suck it up" by multiple people. I'm sorry I'm not that Mom right now, and it sucks to be judged by other widows who can't understand why I need to be alone sometimes. Really? They don't get it? I'm sorry, I don't draw my strength from my precious babies, I truly am. I wish to God I did, but it hurts twice as much for me to hear my kids talk about their Daddy, especially Nathan who is having such a hard time with this. I can't fix this for him or for me or anyone and I am dealing with my pain AND guilt and it's so much harder being reminded by Tom's 'mini-me' all day everyday.

And as for those widows who are doing the things their husband's would have wanted, and are drawing strength from them? I'm glad they have that. I can't say the same. I still can't figure out if Tom has forgiven me or not, so I can't decide what he'd really want to have me do, or if he's really still with me. I know what he said 'That Sunday Night' but I don't know if he's still feeling that way towards me and things in general. I wish I could have what others seem to have, but really we are all different people. We deal differently and we have different circumstances. So, why put me down when I just need understanding? I 'suppose' I expect it from non-widows, but not women who have "walked these shoes" before me. Ok, I'm obviously irritated tonight and need to stop so I can wake up happy... ok that was a joke. Do you know anyone in my shoes who is happy (at lease at this stage of it all)? Me neither.

Hello Delaware

Good morning Delaware. Ok, not really a good morning. The kids were up at 4am and started calling and texting people from 5am-6am. I didn't even know they could figure that out on this phone. I had fallen back to sleep by then and now they are doing the same. I have a head ache, which I'm not complaining about, just stating, so I'm not sure how long I'll be able to type for. Then there was the multitude of dreams about Tom last night. In some I was trying to deal with his death, but in others he was still alive. Those are more difficult because I seem to wake up thinking he's still here and have to relive it once it sinks in.

Yesterday was the 10th, so it was one month ago that it happened. It seems so long ago, but at the same time I can't believe it's been a month. I guess I can't believe I've survived a month already. I can't get Tom's face out of my mind no matter how hard I try. I keep seeing the pain and hurt in his eyes. I keep reliving the moments that I put it there. It's amazing, Tom hurt me plenty (we all know that), but that's not what matters now. Now it's the times that I hurt him that I can't escape. So many people hurt him, especially in the end, and he was already dealing with the pain of war. None of us did enough to stop it. None of us were able to make the pain go away. No one gets it now-- the reason that this pain of mine is so much deeper than just missing the man I love so deeply. That in and of itself is too much to bear. I miss him. No matter what we went through I never stopped loving him and always wanted him. But no one gets that this guilt is eating at me more and more. Everyday it grows and everyday it gets harder to push away. I don't know how I'll get through this. It's just one more added stressor (not a real word apparently) and it's a huge one. I know what I'm going to focus on in counseling next week, but I don't think anything Owens says can help me on this one.

Ok, onto something more positive... I've decided to get my Master's. I knew that I wanted that almost right away. I just didn't know until yesterday what I was going to go for. Jena and I weighed the options and talked all about it and I decided on Psychology over Social Work. It was my original major all those many years ago and there is more that I can with Psychology. Now I just have to get all the lose ends tied together.