Dear Tommy,
I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of you and I just think back to all the things that made those songs memorable. I'm listening to Cyndi Thomson right now. That CD is still working after 9 years! It's amazing, lol. I remember laying in your arms on the couch in your basement "forcing" you to watch CMT with me! You hated it, but did it anyway. Now that's love! ;) I was obsessed with her music when she first came out and some of her songs really rang true for me at different times.
Now I just think back to when we were first dating and how I'd stay at your house as long as possible before driving back to college. You'd call me first thing on the days you cut school and any chance I could I'd cut class and come see you. I know how much your parents tried to get you to go to school and I'd half-heartedly tell you the same, but I'd love those early morning phone calls "I'm at home. Come see me." Yes, me the older college student corrupting the young high school senior, haha! Not really, but I'm sure I could have done a better job convincing you to go to school. I would have stayed at La Salle if it wasn't for you. It was only an hour drive, but I wanted so desperately to be closer to you.
I felt so safe in your arms. You've always felt like HOME. We'd just be there together for hours not needing to talk much because it was the unspoken that said the most-- your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes telling me that I was the only one and no one else compared. You told me some amazing things, too and I always said you should write a book of lines for guys to use because you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that ever felt that special. Oh, but the look, Tommy, was what melted my heart and captured me forever. You Still had that look for me and it's burned into my soul. No one can take that from me and I'll hold onto it forever. You know it's that look, that feeling of 'home' that I'll miss the most. That incredible love that was always there deep in our souls.
No one could ever make me feel that way again, Tommy. And really, I agree with my new "widow friend" that I wouldn't want that. You are so special and I don't want to know that with anyone else. She's been a widow for 6 years and at least she's honest and says that it'll always hurt and it won't go away. Her husband was a Marine, too. So it's a little different in that way where we can relate to this life that others can not understand. She spent 2 1/2 hours one night talking to me which was a great help. They were high school sweethearts and and had some of the same experiences after war that we did. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it's nice to have someone understand where I am at and not pity me or even judge me or ask the same dreaded questions all the time.
Don't get me wrong am I SO, SO thankful for everyone's support, but with Andrea I can sit there and say how I really feel and she knows exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to either lie to everyone else and say I'm OK or fine. Because when I tell the truth as to how I'm feeling, well, I feel bad and I think I make them uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those situations that no one knows how to handle or what to say and people walk on egg shells. I just know that if they weren't there helping me through this, well, I may not be writing this right now. Well, I miss you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm going to bed hoping that I'll see you in my dreams.
Love your wife,
Katie
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Remembering
Dear Tommy,
Oh, Tommy, I want to go back in time. I want to do something different, anything different. I remember watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with you recently and there was a scene where the girl got hit by a car and it ruined her professional dancing career. I remember how Brad Pitt was explaining the events that led up to her getting hit and how if any ONE of those things had been different she would not have been hit; she'd still be able to dance. I keep thinking of the million things that led up to your death and how if I could go back and change any ONE of those things you'd still be here, but I can't and that's a hard pill to swallow.
We'd be getting ready to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Five years, Tommy! I remember how your Command didn't want to give you leave to come get married. They thought we wouldn't make it even a year because we were so young and we didn't have a long engagement-- if you want to call it an engagement, lol. Oh man, do you remember how it rained? I thought that was supposed to be a sign of good luck. I guess we shouldn't buy into things like that. I'm sure it's just said to make the bride feel better anyway.
I always felt that if we made it to 5 years then everything would be ok and we'd make it forever. I'm feeling kind of mad tonight. I asked you to wait, Tom. I asked you to wait until after our anniversary and you didn't. I was trying to buy us some time. I needed more time to figure out what to do, how to fix this. I wanted to celebrate 5 years of marriage with you. I was thinking today about how this town is inundated with divorce. Almost every friend I've had down here has gotten a divorce. Some of those surprised me because I felt they gave up over some things that weren't divorce worthy. You and I on the other hand were the ones I thought would have done it by now. We have been through so much and were close at a point, but we never did. We could never go through with it. Our love for each other was too strong.
I remember us saying one time how it would be pointless since we knew we'd end up back together again someday anyway. We knew that life without the other would never be as good as life together. Life together, Tommy, until death do us part. Remember those vows? Well, I guess you sure kept that one *thanks.* Death was supposed to be when we were old and had watched our grand kids grow up, not when we were in our 20s, and definitely Not like this!
I'm sorry Tommy, that my love for you couldn't save you. I know that the things torturing you were far to great and you needed something bigger than I was prepared to handle. I'm sorry for everything as I'm sure you'd be saying to me right now, too. We were so close, Tommy, so incredibly close to everything being fixed. I think that is part of what is so hard. The fact that things were on the cusp of being "all better." I feel numb right now, angry, but numb. The sadness is a constant, but right now I'm burying it. You and I were connected on a different level and I know that I will never have that with another person and really I wouldn't want it. I just want you, but I can't have you anymore. It wasn't supposed to end like this.
I wonder if you "knew." I kept asking for us to make solid plans for our anniversary, but you kept saying "Let's just wait." Normally you'd at least pick a place or talk about it, but you didn't this time. I could feel you slipping away. I just didn't think it would really happen. I thought I had more time to figure it all out. I didn't and I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry We failed you. I don't deserve forgiveness and while I'll never forgive myself I pray that you forgive me. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I can wish all I want, but it won't change anything. I'm here and you are not and I hurt. I miss you and I love you. I fell in love when I was 18. I never stopped loving you, not for one minute and I never will.
Love your Wife,
Katie
Oh, Tommy, I want to go back in time. I want to do something different, anything different. I remember watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with you recently and there was a scene where the girl got hit by a car and it ruined her professional dancing career. I remember how Brad Pitt was explaining the events that led up to her getting hit and how if any ONE of those things had been different she would not have been hit; she'd still be able to dance. I keep thinking of the million things that led up to your death and how if I could go back and change any ONE of those things you'd still be here, but I can't and that's a hard pill to swallow.
We'd be getting ready to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Five years, Tommy! I remember how your Command didn't want to give you leave to come get married. They thought we wouldn't make it even a year because we were so young and we didn't have a long engagement-- if you want to call it an engagement, lol. Oh man, do you remember how it rained? I thought that was supposed to be a sign of good luck. I guess we shouldn't buy into things like that. I'm sure it's just said to make the bride feel better anyway.
I always felt that if we made it to 5 years then everything would be ok and we'd make it forever. I'm feeling kind of mad tonight. I asked you to wait, Tom. I asked you to wait until after our anniversary and you didn't. I was trying to buy us some time. I needed more time to figure out what to do, how to fix this. I wanted to celebrate 5 years of marriage with you. I was thinking today about how this town is inundated with divorce. Almost every friend I've had down here has gotten a divorce. Some of those surprised me because I felt they gave up over some things that weren't divorce worthy. You and I on the other hand were the ones I thought would have done it by now. We have been through so much and were close at a point, but we never did. We could never go through with it. Our love for each other was too strong.
I remember us saying one time how it would be pointless since we knew we'd end up back together again someday anyway. We knew that life without the other would never be as good as life together. Life together, Tommy, until death do us part. Remember those vows? Well, I guess you sure kept that one *thanks.* Death was supposed to be when we were old and had watched our grand kids grow up, not when we were in our 20s, and definitely Not like this!
I'm sorry Tommy, that my love for you couldn't save you. I know that the things torturing you were far to great and you needed something bigger than I was prepared to handle. I'm sorry for everything as I'm sure you'd be saying to me right now, too. We were so close, Tommy, so incredibly close to everything being fixed. I think that is part of what is so hard. The fact that things were on the cusp of being "all better." I feel numb right now, angry, but numb. The sadness is a constant, but right now I'm burying it. You and I were connected on a different level and I know that I will never have that with another person and really I wouldn't want it. I just want you, but I can't have you anymore. It wasn't supposed to end like this.
I wonder if you "knew." I kept asking for us to make solid plans for our anniversary, but you kept saying "Let's just wait." Normally you'd at least pick a place or talk about it, but you didn't this time. I could feel you slipping away. I just didn't think it would really happen. I thought I had more time to figure it all out. I didn't and I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry We failed you. I don't deserve forgiveness and while I'll never forgive myself I pray that you forgive me. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I can wish all I want, but it won't change anything. I'm here and you are not and I hurt. I miss you and I love you. I fell in love when I was 18. I never stopped loving you, not for one minute and I never will.
Love your Wife,
Katie
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My First Blog
I've thought about blogging before, many times actually. I love to write because I find it extremely therapeutic. I make bad jokes at the wrong times because I would rather laugh than cry. I'm an open book with nothing to hide. That is one trait that drove my husband up a wall! He was a very private person, so for him to know I was blogging because of and about him may not make him too happy, but I hope he'd realize that this is one way for me to start to heal.
My husband was a Marine. I hate using the past tense to talk about him. Right now I should be kissing my husband goodbye as he goes to work knowing that in a few hours he'll be home and I can give him a hug as he walks in the door in his camies. That won't happen now, not ever. Tom, my husband, the man I have loved for the past 9 years, is dead. I am still in the denial stage. He died Monday May 10, 2010. He took his own life aboard Camp Lejeune.
That day, that horrible, horrible day was supposed to be the day he Finally got the real help that he had been so desperately seeking. I thought he was ok. I was told he was ok. I was told that because I told them he had a gun I saved his life. I didn't save his life. I killed him. Yes, everyone says "It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done. You were trying to help him." But no matter what anyone says that is how I feel. I will always feel responsible for how his life ended. I got off the phone and the words that she used didn't sit right with me. "The MP's secured him and he is on the way to the hospital." How did they secure him? Was he hurt? I know she said he was alive and ok, but maybe somewhere deep down I knew. She didn't know, not then. She thought he was ok, I did too for a little while.
3:45PM: An unmarked car pulled up to my house. I went outside and he had the wrong address. I came back in and broke down crying. I thanked God because for a moment I thought it was Tom. I thought he was here with bad news, but he wasn't. He was ok (again), or so I thought. Not even 15 minutes later, a knock at my door. I opened it and knew. You never open the door to anyone in their uniform unless they have the worst news ever. I stepped outside and closed the door behind me as my children were inside. I asked if he was dead. They needed to verify who I was. For some reason they had my maiden name. I corrected them and as I said "It's Bagosy" I fell to the ground before he could even get the words out "We regret to inform you..." It was all I heard as I hit the ground. My neighbors all rushed over and took care of the kids. How? How did it happen? I was told he was alive and safe! How did it all go wrong? Eventually I got my answers, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter because he was gone.
I found out at 4PM that my husband had died-- that my life was over, at least in the sense that nothing would ever be the same. This wasn't something that could be fixed. It wasn't something that an apology would make up for. It wasn't another ridiculous fight that got out of hand and in a few hours it would be as if nothing bad happened. This was real. This IS real, but I have yet to accept it. How do I do that? How do really truly accept that I am a WIDOW and a single mom?
I try to make it real in my mind. I try to sit there and tell myself 'He's NOT coming back. This is NOT another deployment. He's NOT in the field or on duty or anything else. He IS Dead. Forever. There is no turning back.' But I can't. I stop myself because the pain is to great; it's too real. Living in denial is better. I cry and cry, but I can stop myself after a while. I'm terrified of the day that it truly hits me and I can no longer pretend. The tears will flow and I don't know if they'll ever stop.
May 15, 2010 was his funeral back in DE. It was easier being there, even on that day. I'm back home in NC and it's hard-- It's Hard! It hurts more. I can't pretend here as well. I look around and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I'm waiting right now, waiting for the day for it to totally sink in, to become real. I fear that day, but it's coming and when it does... well I don't have a clue as what to expect. No one knows truly how this feels or how to handle it until it's here, and it's here. That's why I'm blogging, so that I can have a place to put my pain. It's a journey I don't want to be on, but I have no choice. I have to learn this life day by day. There are so many things I want to tell Tom, I want to share, I want him to know. This is my place for him-- for me to tell him.
My husband was a Marine. I hate using the past tense to talk about him. Right now I should be kissing my husband goodbye as he goes to work knowing that in a few hours he'll be home and I can give him a hug as he walks in the door in his camies. That won't happen now, not ever. Tom, my husband, the man I have loved for the past 9 years, is dead. I am still in the denial stage. He died Monday May 10, 2010. He took his own life aboard Camp Lejeune.
That day, that horrible, horrible day was supposed to be the day he Finally got the real help that he had been so desperately seeking. I thought he was ok. I was told he was ok. I was told that because I told them he had a gun I saved his life. I didn't save his life. I killed him. Yes, everyone says "It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done. You were trying to help him." But no matter what anyone says that is how I feel. I will always feel responsible for how his life ended. I got off the phone and the words that she used didn't sit right with me. "The MP's secured him and he is on the way to the hospital." How did they secure him? Was he hurt? I know she said he was alive and ok, but maybe somewhere deep down I knew. She didn't know, not then. She thought he was ok, I did too for a little while.
3:45PM: An unmarked car pulled up to my house. I went outside and he had the wrong address. I came back in and broke down crying. I thanked God because for a moment I thought it was Tom. I thought he was here with bad news, but he wasn't. He was ok (again), or so I thought. Not even 15 minutes later, a knock at my door. I opened it and knew. You never open the door to anyone in their uniform unless they have the worst news ever. I stepped outside and closed the door behind me as my children were inside. I asked if he was dead. They needed to verify who I was. For some reason they had my maiden name. I corrected them and as I said "It's Bagosy" I fell to the ground before he could even get the words out "We regret to inform you..." It was all I heard as I hit the ground. My neighbors all rushed over and took care of the kids. How? How did it happen? I was told he was alive and safe! How did it all go wrong? Eventually I got my answers, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter because he was gone.
I found out at 4PM that my husband had died-- that my life was over, at least in the sense that nothing would ever be the same. This wasn't something that could be fixed. It wasn't something that an apology would make up for. It wasn't another ridiculous fight that got out of hand and in a few hours it would be as if nothing bad happened. This was real. This IS real, but I have yet to accept it. How do I do that? How do really truly accept that I am a WIDOW and a single mom?
I try to make it real in my mind. I try to sit there and tell myself 'He's NOT coming back. This is NOT another deployment. He's NOT in the field or on duty or anything else. He IS Dead. Forever. There is no turning back.' But I can't. I stop myself because the pain is to great; it's too real. Living in denial is better. I cry and cry, but I can stop myself after a while. I'm terrified of the day that it truly hits me and I can no longer pretend. The tears will flow and I don't know if they'll ever stop.
May 15, 2010 was his funeral back in DE. It was easier being there, even on that day. I'm back home in NC and it's hard-- It's Hard! It hurts more. I can't pretend here as well. I look around and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I'm waiting right now, waiting for the day for it to totally sink in, to become real. I fear that day, but it's coming and when it does... well I don't have a clue as what to expect. No one knows truly how this feels or how to handle it until it's here, and it's here. That's why I'm blogging, so that I can have a place to put my pain. It's a journey I don't want to be on, but I have no choice. I have to learn this life day by day. There are so many things I want to tell Tom, I want to share, I want him to know. This is my place for him-- for me to tell him.
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