Well, Tommy, I haven't written to you on here in a while, so I figure why not do so tonight? I mean I am going home for the weekend as I have people moving into our house next month and I need to start getting it ready for the renters. Wow let me tell you how hard of a dicision that was! There is no way I could sell it, I can't afford to pay for it and the apartment anymore, and so I have been struggling with if I move back there or rent it out.
I don't feel you here with me anymore, but I still feel you close when I am in our home in NC. It breaks my heart to think I can't just go there and visit randomly when I get the notion to, which we know I do a lot! I probably go up about once a month and now it'll be at least a whole year before I can go again. I've been waiting for life to just show me what I'm supposed to be doing and waiting for everything to just drop in my lap. I figure I tend to try to rush things just so I can feel secure in knowing what is coming around the corner, but we know that life doesn't work that way. So I try to just let life show me what to do. And these people basically came to me.
It's only a year and in this lifetime that still awaits me, what is one going to do? I've already survived over a year (15 months and 1 day to be super exact) so I can go another year without being at that house. Maybe by then I'll be ready to sell it, who knows. All I know is that it's one less decision I have to make at the moment and one less huge bill I have to think about every month.
I miss you so much, Tommy! I just wish you were here to tell me I'm over reacting yet again and everything will be alright. I miss your arms around me and feeling like nothing else in the world even exists-- because when I was in your arms, nothing else did. I love you with all my heart and miss you as much. Everyday brings me one day closer to being with you again. I wish I knew what you were doing right now. Time for me to go to sleep and maybe dream about you? It's been a while.
Love always,
Katie
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Widow's Dating World (Part 2)
This has been in the draft box since June. I suppose it's time to post what I wrote then with a little editing that is needed on the story...
Why do some widows choose to date so soon after while others wait longer or never agian? There are just as many reasons as there are widows and I would be doing a diservice if I tried to answer for anyone else, but I can say that I have heard some say they will never date again because "he was it, there will never be anyone else for me" and for them if no one else can compare then there is no point. Others just want to ease the pain or fill the void or are really truly ready for something more. Each widow has her reasons and it's not right to sit there and make assumptions as to what they may be.
As for me? Well, the day before Tom killed himself he told me it was time for him to step back and let some other man take over his family. This obviously floored me and left me speechless and I tried to tell him he was wrong. Well, less than 24 hours later I became a widow. I didn't think about dating for a while and really hated the idea of someone else "taking over" Tom's roll. But at the same time as time went on I knew I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father. I loved nothing more than having a family and wanted that again. The last few years with Tom were hard (I've discussed this before) and I already felt a little alone, not that anything compared to when he died, mind you.
The idea of ever dating again within the first few weeks was only there because of what Tom said and I felt like it was my duty to find my kids a dad. But then it became about me. I went through what many would call a selfish phase in my life and to be honest I wouldn't say I'm completely out of it (though every decision I have made since last June with my kids has been because I believe it's what is best for them). Dating someone (and rightfully so) became about me-- who made me happy and who was best for me. And if the person is right for me then obviously the person will be right for my kids, too. But my kids weren't the focus. I may have lost sight of that a few times and thought about settling for their sake, but as fate would have it, that never came to pass.
So I started going to the gym at the beginning of the year and one of the trainers and I got into a conversation about how I am a Marine's widow and how he is a former Marine. He told me about his friend and how we should hang out sometime. Eventually it happened and we hit it off. We will call him "K." Well "K" and "C" aren't really the best of friends which makes this a little... interesting for us all since they worked together. "K" is really different and was really hard to figure out. He said he didn't do drama, and really, I never really experienced drama with him-- except for the drama I created. All my life has been for 4 years is drama. It's all I know. I think the 'no drama' is one of the things I really liked about "K" but I didn't know how to handle it.
"K" and I dated a little while and he really helped me heal after "C" and get stronger. He showed me what kind of man I want. And honestly, when I was with him I felt "safe." The same kind of safe I did with Tom. I had a hard time letting go of that, but I think "K" also played games with me (yes even with not being able to figure him out or what he was really doing with me I still felt safe-- so hard to explain). And when I say games I mean No Where near on the level that "C" did, but for a while I totally allowed it. We don't talk anymore and truthfully it makes me sad. I have so much respect for "K" as a Marine and a man. That is something that I find so rare anymore-- being able to have that kind of respect for a man. He's the "bad ass" type, but when we were together he treated me well. I know it may seem silly, but he actually got me a Mother's Day card and even now I have to say that is one of the sweetest things ever. It meant so much to me. "C" didn't even send me a Happy Birthday Text until half way through the day of my b-day and we had known each other a while longer. Even with the way things turned out with "K" I still only have positive things to say and probably always will. When I picture in my mind what a Marine Should look like, he comes to mind as the epitomy of the perfect Marine-- maybe needs some work in the relationship area, but I think I should just blame myself for falling for guys that are still in love with their exes, lol.
Learning lessons the hard way seems to be the only way I learn them. Maybe one day I will take the easy route... Maybe, lol.
Why do some widows choose to date so soon after while others wait longer or never agian? There are just as many reasons as there are widows and I would be doing a diservice if I tried to answer for anyone else, but I can say that I have heard some say they will never date again because "he was it, there will never be anyone else for me" and for them if no one else can compare then there is no point. Others just want to ease the pain or fill the void or are really truly ready for something more. Each widow has her reasons and it's not right to sit there and make assumptions as to what they may be.
As for me? Well, the day before Tom killed himself he told me it was time for him to step back and let some other man take over his family. This obviously floored me and left me speechless and I tried to tell him he was wrong. Well, less than 24 hours later I became a widow. I didn't think about dating for a while and really hated the idea of someone else "taking over" Tom's roll. But at the same time as time went on I knew I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father. I loved nothing more than having a family and wanted that again. The last few years with Tom were hard (I've discussed this before) and I already felt a little alone, not that anything compared to when he died, mind you.
The idea of ever dating again within the first few weeks was only there because of what Tom said and I felt like it was my duty to find my kids a dad. But then it became about me. I went through what many would call a selfish phase in my life and to be honest I wouldn't say I'm completely out of it (though every decision I have made since last June with my kids has been because I believe it's what is best for them). Dating someone (and rightfully so) became about me-- who made me happy and who was best for me. And if the person is right for me then obviously the person will be right for my kids, too. But my kids weren't the focus. I may have lost sight of that a few times and thought about settling for their sake, but as fate would have it, that never came to pass.
So I started going to the gym at the beginning of the year and one of the trainers and I got into a conversation about how I am a Marine's widow and how he is a former Marine. He told me about his friend and how we should hang out sometime. Eventually it happened and we hit it off. We will call him "K." Well "K" and "C" aren't really the best of friends which makes this a little... interesting for us all since they worked together. "K" is really different and was really hard to figure out. He said he didn't do drama, and really, I never really experienced drama with him-- except for the drama I created. All my life has been for 4 years is drama. It's all I know. I think the 'no drama' is one of the things I really liked about "K" but I didn't know how to handle it.
"K" and I dated a little while and he really helped me heal after "C" and get stronger. He showed me what kind of man I want. And honestly, when I was with him I felt "safe." The same kind of safe I did with Tom. I had a hard time letting go of that, but I think "K" also played games with me (yes even with not being able to figure him out or what he was really doing with me I still felt safe-- so hard to explain). And when I say games I mean No Where near on the level that "C" did, but for a while I totally allowed it. We don't talk anymore and truthfully it makes me sad. I have so much respect for "K" as a Marine and a man. That is something that I find so rare anymore-- being able to have that kind of respect for a man. He's the "bad ass" type, but when we were together he treated me well. I know it may seem silly, but he actually got me a Mother's Day card and even now I have to say that is one of the sweetest things ever. It meant so much to me. "C" didn't even send me a Happy Birthday Text until half way through the day of my b-day and we had known each other a while longer. Even with the way things turned out with "K" I still only have positive things to say and probably always will. When I picture in my mind what a Marine Should look like, he comes to mind as the epitomy of the perfect Marine-- maybe needs some work in the relationship area, but I think I should just blame myself for falling for guys that are still in love with their exes, lol.
Learning lessons the hard way seems to be the only way I learn them. Maybe one day I will take the easy route... Maybe, lol.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Widow's Dating World (Part 1)
Note: This has been my experience and what I have heard as the most general experiences of others if a widow makes the decision to date or get involved with a man again after her husband has died. I am sure there are many other situations that I don't go into and plenty of widows may disagree with some of what I say....
What? Dating as a widow? Are widows even allowed to date? And if so how long does one have to wait after her husband's death to re-enter the dating pool? Well, everyone seems to have opinions and I had my own as well. I will tell you there are 3 paths that I have heard to be the most common for widows to take. Let's start with the one that gets judged most harshly
A. Sleeping around (especially soon after the death). Obviously this gets viewed harshly and while For The Record I did NOT choose this path I have to say that I have come to understand why someone would choose to do this. It's looking for the comfort and filling some sort of void. Of course this gets looked down on in general in life, but slap on the label of "widow" to this situation and wow, look out scarlet letter!
B. Getting into a relationship soon after the death. (I'll get into this one in a bit as this is the path I went down).
C. Waiting a "significant" period of time to get involved with anyone (if at all). Now this is the way that most people think widows should go. Most people (especially those outside the widow world) say we should wait at least a year before we start dating again. That gives the widow time to grieve and mourn her loss. While I have heard many people say the 2nd year is harder than the first, in general the first year is thought to be the most difficult. It takes time to process and learn how to live without the person you just lost.
Waiting a year also shows respect to the deceased and that you actually loved that person. Well, I will be the first to say that just because a widow starts some sort of interaction with another man does NOT mean that her love for her husband wasn't real or "enough." I fell in love with Tom when I was 18 and I can tell you that every other guy I dated was never good enough because they weren't him. We were in and out of each other's lives for years and we always came back to each other because no one else compared. We had that crazy passionate intense love/hate kind of love. That didn't go away when he died or when I met "C" my love for Tom will always be there and other widows will tell you the same thing about the love for their husbands.
My experience:
I assume we're all grown ups here and can handle candid (or semi-candid) talk, so I will be honest (not that I am anything but honest, but maybe open is a better word)...
Two months to the day after Tom died I met one of my neighbor's friends. (We'll call him "C"). The day I met "C" was the first day in the two months since Tom died that I didn't cry. It was the first day I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We started hanging out and never intended for a relationship to develop. It was nice to have someone there to talk to and give me that male attention. We text messaged all day long and hung out every evening for a week before he even tried to kiss me. He was the first (and only thing for a long time) to genuinely make me smile after Tom's death. I remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him As a Person and knew I always wanted him in my life as a friend (it was day 3 and recently when I told him about it he said he remember that time, too). He was amazing and I could talk to him the way I had wanted Tom and I to be able to talk. I really thought all it was going to be was a friendship, but I was lonely. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and just wanted someone there next to me so I could sleep well. He knows this now and why I allowed it to go the way it did, but I needed him in my life at that point.
What I found with "C" was everything that had been missing in my marriage for so long. I truly never thought I'd fall In Love with him. I Never saw forever with "C" while we were together, but then again I couldn't see a 'forever' at all in my life. From the beginning I was terrified of losing him as a friend more than anything. I thought it would be for the summer, ya know that summer romance that when he left would just end-- he was only here for 6 or so weeks for Ssgt school. (Oh yeah, did I mention he's a Marine, too? So is the one after him. ;-) )
It was unspoken, but we were both well aware of we were doing and yes, we were mutually using each other. But like I said, he was everything I had been longing for and I knew I wanted more with him. We decided to date when he left since it was only 5 hours away and I could go visit anytime. I eventually moved closer to him, and by eventually I mean 4 months after I met him and 2 months after we actually labeled us in a relationship. Now let me be clear when I say that I already intended to move closer to where he was living, just not as close as I did. He influenced that decision. I wanted to move before the holidays because I knew they would be too hard to take in that house and my parents both told me they thought it would be best for the kids to move. So, moving was the plan, moving 30 minutes from "C" happened because we discussed it would be an easier drive. I knew I loved him before I moved and tried to hold back on the "falling" part, but that didn't work so well once I moved.
I fell in love really quickly after that and right after New Year's we broke up. He loved me, but wasn't in love (so he said at the time). Things had moved very quickly and I know he got scared. He's more like a female when it comes to the emotional crap and had been burned bad by his exes. One he was still in love with. Apparently "C" wanted her back for a while then told me that he was actually in love with me and not her, but uses her as his scapegoat out of relationships because he doesn't want to get close to anyone and that is what he did with me. Now, I semi believe this only because he told me so last summer, too. And because of some things he told my neighbor (one of his good friends). He said it was the idea of her and what they had and that he was too afraid to totally open up his heart to me after everything in his past. Umm... Ok!?
When "C" and I broke up I was devastated. I had stopped dealing with Tom's death right after we met and hung onto "C" and our relationship so tightly for fear of having to think about Tom and what that really meant in my life. I couldn't handle thinking about Tom and my loss and did everything I could to run away from it, including rushing into another relationship. When we broke up I was now faced with two broken hearts and could barely breathe. This was when everyone saw me Really go down hill in life. I was drunk every single day for weeks. I didn't know how survive without a drink, but I hit rock bottom and somehow forced myself to deal with it all. I finally dealt with Tom's death. Oh God that was hard! I had to learn to accept my being a widow and losing the love of my life once and for all. I sat at home SOBER for several days watching every god-awful heart wrenching movie that I could trying to get all my tears out that I had stifled for months.
Then it was time to let go of "C" but he never let me. Every single time I tried to cut it off and let go he would try to pull me back in. This has gone on since we broke up 5 months ago. He stopped for a little while when I started dating someone else, but it was short lived. All that is for Part 2 of this blog to come later.
I want to go back for a minute and talk about dating in general. We all walk a different path in life. It is so easy to judge. I know I have done it and still do, but when I catch myself doing it I then try to remind myself that I don't know what that person is thinking or what their life has been like. How can I sit here and say that what they are doing is wrong? There have been many days in this past year that just keeping myself alive is the hardest thing I can do. I know what it's like to have such emense pain that nothing matters. How we choose to live and survive shouldn't be judged, it should be accepted even if you think it's wrong. We can all sit here and say "Oh, I'd never do that." But that is total BS! Tom's aunt was a widow around my age and had been with her husband longer than Tom and I were together. When she told me she started dating 5 months out I judged her because I couldn't understand until I met "C." Then I realized that my love for Tom would never change, but that didn't mean I could never be happy or love someone else, too.
And now I am going to the beach so the rest of my blog will come in a day or two...
What? Dating as a widow? Are widows even allowed to date? And if so how long does one have to wait after her husband's death to re-enter the dating pool? Well, everyone seems to have opinions and I had my own as well. I will tell you there are 3 paths that I have heard to be the most common for widows to take. Let's start with the one that gets judged most harshly
A. Sleeping around (especially soon after the death). Obviously this gets viewed harshly and while For The Record I did NOT choose this path I have to say that I have come to understand why someone would choose to do this. It's looking for the comfort and filling some sort of void. Of course this gets looked down on in general in life, but slap on the label of "widow" to this situation and wow, look out scarlet letter!
B. Getting into a relationship soon after the death. (I'll get into this one in a bit as this is the path I went down).
C. Waiting a "significant" period of time to get involved with anyone (if at all). Now this is the way that most people think widows should go. Most people (especially those outside the widow world) say we should wait at least a year before we start dating again. That gives the widow time to grieve and mourn her loss. While I have heard many people say the 2nd year is harder than the first, in general the first year is thought to be the most difficult. It takes time to process and learn how to live without the person you just lost.
Waiting a year also shows respect to the deceased and that you actually loved that person. Well, I will be the first to say that just because a widow starts some sort of interaction with another man does NOT mean that her love for her husband wasn't real or "enough." I fell in love with Tom when I was 18 and I can tell you that every other guy I dated was never good enough because they weren't him. We were in and out of each other's lives for years and we always came back to each other because no one else compared. We had that crazy passionate intense love/hate kind of love. That didn't go away when he died or when I met "C" my love for Tom will always be there and other widows will tell you the same thing about the love for their husbands.
My experience:
I assume we're all grown ups here and can handle candid (or semi-candid) talk, so I will be honest (not that I am anything but honest, but maybe open is a better word)...
Two months to the day after Tom died I met one of my neighbor's friends. (We'll call him "C"). The day I met "C" was the first day in the two months since Tom died that I didn't cry. It was the first day I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We started hanging out and never intended for a relationship to develop. It was nice to have someone there to talk to and give me that male attention. We text messaged all day long and hung out every evening for a week before he even tried to kiss me. He was the first (and only thing for a long time) to genuinely make me smile after Tom's death. I remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him As a Person and knew I always wanted him in my life as a friend (it was day 3 and recently when I told him about it he said he remember that time, too). He was amazing and I could talk to him the way I had wanted Tom and I to be able to talk. I really thought all it was going to be was a friendship, but I was lonely. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and just wanted someone there next to me so I could sleep well. He knows this now and why I allowed it to go the way it did, but I needed him in my life at that point.
What I found with "C" was everything that had been missing in my marriage for so long. I truly never thought I'd fall In Love with him. I Never saw forever with "C" while we were together, but then again I couldn't see a 'forever' at all in my life. From the beginning I was terrified of losing him as a friend more than anything. I thought it would be for the summer, ya know that summer romance that when he left would just end-- he was only here for 6 or so weeks for Ssgt school. (Oh yeah, did I mention he's a Marine, too? So is the one after him. ;-) )
It was unspoken, but we were both well aware of we were doing and yes, we were mutually using each other. But like I said, he was everything I had been longing for and I knew I wanted more with him. We decided to date when he left since it was only 5 hours away and I could go visit anytime. I eventually moved closer to him, and by eventually I mean 4 months after I met him and 2 months after we actually labeled us in a relationship. Now let me be clear when I say that I already intended to move closer to where he was living, just not as close as I did. He influenced that decision. I wanted to move before the holidays because I knew they would be too hard to take in that house and my parents both told me they thought it would be best for the kids to move. So, moving was the plan, moving 30 minutes from "C" happened because we discussed it would be an easier drive. I knew I loved him before I moved and tried to hold back on the "falling" part, but that didn't work so well once I moved.
I fell in love really quickly after that and right after New Year's we broke up. He loved me, but wasn't in love (so he said at the time). Things had moved very quickly and I know he got scared. He's more like a female when it comes to the emotional crap and had been burned bad by his exes. One he was still in love with. Apparently "C" wanted her back for a while then told me that he was actually in love with me and not her, but uses her as his scapegoat out of relationships because he doesn't want to get close to anyone and that is what he did with me. Now, I semi believe this only because he told me so last summer, too. And because of some things he told my neighbor (one of his good friends). He said it was the idea of her and what they had and that he was too afraid to totally open up his heart to me after everything in his past. Umm... Ok!?
When "C" and I broke up I was devastated. I had stopped dealing with Tom's death right after we met and hung onto "C" and our relationship so tightly for fear of having to think about Tom and what that really meant in my life. I couldn't handle thinking about Tom and my loss and did everything I could to run away from it, including rushing into another relationship. When we broke up I was now faced with two broken hearts and could barely breathe. This was when everyone saw me Really go down hill in life. I was drunk every single day for weeks. I didn't know how survive without a drink, but I hit rock bottom and somehow forced myself to deal with it all. I finally dealt with Tom's death. Oh God that was hard! I had to learn to accept my being a widow and losing the love of my life once and for all. I sat at home SOBER for several days watching every god-awful heart wrenching movie that I could trying to get all my tears out that I had stifled for months.
Then it was time to let go of "C" but he never let me. Every single time I tried to cut it off and let go he would try to pull me back in. This has gone on since we broke up 5 months ago. He stopped for a little while when I started dating someone else, but it was short lived. All that is for Part 2 of this blog to come later.
I want to go back for a minute and talk about dating in general. We all walk a different path in life. It is so easy to judge. I know I have done it and still do, but when I catch myself doing it I then try to remind myself that I don't know what that person is thinking or what their life has been like. How can I sit here and say that what they are doing is wrong? There have been many days in this past year that just keeping myself alive is the hardest thing I can do. I know what it's like to have such emense pain that nothing matters. How we choose to live and survive shouldn't be judged, it should be accepted even if you think it's wrong. We can all sit here and say "Oh, I'd never do that." But that is total BS! Tom's aunt was a widow around my age and had been with her husband longer than Tom and I were together. When she told me she started dating 5 months out I judged her because I couldn't understand until I met "C." Then I realized that my love for Tom would never change, but that didn't mean I could never be happy or love someone else, too.
And now I am going to the beach so the rest of my blog will come in a day or two...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Other Side
"I'd like to offer my condolances on your loss..." It sounds so formal and cold, but we are limited on what we can say in this situation. "I understand what you are going through..." Well, in some ways this is true, yet no one trully understands what another is going through, not totally. Yes, I too am a widow, and yes I too lost my husband to suicide, but other than that well, there may not be many similarities, I don't know. We have never talked, but I know your son well. He is very dear to my heart and in turn, so are you-- even more so now because of this commonality that I regret we share. I am truly sorry that you are going through this (all of you). I am one year out and I can say that when I heard the news of your husband it evoked so much emotion within me that I could barely drive leaving your son's house. Oh, the pain was mine all over again for my own husband, and in those first hours of the news, the pain was for your son, too, whom as you probably know I love so dearly.
That day I talked to my good friend who had helped me through my first few months more than anyone else until I met your son (when I met him, he also greatly held me together, however he never realized just how much so). I said to that friend, "So this is what it's like to be on the other side? This sucks. I feel so helpless." She could relate to that statement as she too felt that way with me. I didn't know what to say or do for him. I wanted to go home with him as he faced this horrible news. He declined, but I think he knew he could have (and still can) turn to me whenever he needs a friend who will listen to him.
I thought about you as well and how dificult it must be to spend so many years together and raise 4 children and have grandchildren and now at this point in your life together to face this tragedy. I remember very well the moment I felt most alone. It was at my husband's funeral (atually one year ago today) when I saw his parents there together, his brothers had their girlfriends and his sisters had their husbands, and I... well, I sat there with the deepest pain I've ever felt and realized that they all had that "someone" to comfort them in their grief, but the person who was supposed to comfort me in my worst moments in life was the person laying in front of us all-- the person we had all gathered to mourn.
I am so saddened to know that you and your family are now traveling this journey. It truly breaks my heart. I want to offer the words that everyone gave me "you are not alone." But those were the words that infuriated me most. How dare They tell me I am not alone! How could they even think to say such words? "I AM alone!" is all I wanted to scream at them (and perhaps I did a time or two). And while those words-- and all words really-- sound trite, I offer them to you now anyway. I do not know your personal journey, and right now with it being so fresh, you may not truly know it either as it may change many times along the way, however, I say this to you for whatever it's worth-- to you, your son, and any other widow as well-- I am here to listen. I will do whatever I can and if I say the wrong thing, please tell me. I do not mean to offend, nor will I be offended by your honesty.
I can not offer much for I do not know the answers myself, but I will do all that I can. Your son will forever hold a special place in my heart and so too shall you. Suicide is an unfortunate common bond I wish no one had to share, but as we walk our journey's seperately we can also walk them together and be of strength to others. I still feel as though I am not far along, but the freshness of pain has had a year to settle and with that comes a different perspective. I wish there was a way to take away your pain. We would all take pain away from those we care about if we had that power, but it's something we must face. We must sit in it and deal with it, and while we must do so alone, we really never are totally alone. I am here Anytime... Anytime!
That day I talked to my good friend who had helped me through my first few months more than anyone else until I met your son (when I met him, he also greatly held me together, however he never realized just how much so). I said to that friend, "So this is what it's like to be on the other side? This sucks. I feel so helpless." She could relate to that statement as she too felt that way with me. I didn't know what to say or do for him. I wanted to go home with him as he faced this horrible news. He declined, but I think he knew he could have (and still can) turn to me whenever he needs a friend who will listen to him.
I thought about you as well and how dificult it must be to spend so many years together and raise 4 children and have grandchildren and now at this point in your life together to face this tragedy. I remember very well the moment I felt most alone. It was at my husband's funeral (atually one year ago today) when I saw his parents there together, his brothers had their girlfriends and his sisters had their husbands, and I... well, I sat there with the deepest pain I've ever felt and realized that they all had that "someone" to comfort them in their grief, but the person who was supposed to comfort me in my worst moments in life was the person laying in front of us all-- the person we had all gathered to mourn.
I am so saddened to know that you and your family are now traveling this journey. It truly breaks my heart. I want to offer the words that everyone gave me "you are not alone." But those were the words that infuriated me most. How dare They tell me I am not alone! How could they even think to say such words? "I AM alone!" is all I wanted to scream at them (and perhaps I did a time or two). And while those words-- and all words really-- sound trite, I offer them to you now anyway. I do not know your personal journey, and right now with it being so fresh, you may not truly know it either as it may change many times along the way, however, I say this to you for whatever it's worth-- to you, your son, and any other widow as well-- I am here to listen. I will do whatever I can and if I say the wrong thing, please tell me. I do not mean to offend, nor will I be offended by your honesty.
I can not offer much for I do not know the answers myself, but I will do all that I can. Your son will forever hold a special place in my heart and so too shall you. Suicide is an unfortunate common bond I wish no one had to share, but as we walk our journey's seperately we can also walk them together and be of strength to others. I still feel as though I am not far along, but the freshness of pain has had a year to settle and with that comes a different perspective. I wish there was a way to take away your pain. We would all take pain away from those we care about if we had that power, but it's something we must face. We must sit in it and deal with it, and while we must do so alone, we really never are totally alone. I am here Anytime... Anytime!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
One Year (and a few days) Later
May seem scattered, but I'm watching Barbie with Avery and writing this at the same time...
Well, it has now been One YEAR since Tom died. I really can't believe that I made it through, that the first year is over and I Survived! I feel sad and accomplished by this fact. I feel like I'm stronger because some days I didn't know if I'd make it to the next, but I did. I feel sad because it's been a whole year without my love. I used to be so in love with life and living and that died with Tom. I want to feel that way again. Some people say the second year is harder. I'm not sure yet if that is true. I know that in some ways it has been more painful, but I think that is just because I'm no longer in a fog, but at the same time I have found this inner strength that tells me I can go on because I have made it this far.
The 10th was hard. I spent most of the day driving to Arlington. I tried to think of other things that would keep my mind off of Tom, but as 1:00pm approached I got more and more anxious. See, at 1:04PM on May 10, 2010 Tom called me to say his final goodbye. Minutes later he died. On Thursday May 13, 2010, Jena and I were in Verizon. I wanted a new phone because I didn't want anything to happen to the one that had all the saved text messages from Tom on it. So, while in Verizon the song "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat came on. It was the first time I had ever heard it and I lost it, bawling my eyes out in the middle of the store. I feel like there was so much I didn't get to say to Tom before he died. Ever since then that song has completely reminded me of him... Ok, so at 1:04PM this May 10th, one year to the minute after my last phone call from Tom, while I was on my way to see him in Arlington, that song came on the radio. I lost it! Then I was ok again until I actually saw his name on his headstone.
I spent almost an hour crying laying on his grave. I felt so peaceful there and at home. I wanted to stay and take a nap... and just camp out and never leave. I had such a headache from crying so hard and got back on the road to go to my Mom's house. It was so hard to leave him. I know that may seem strange and it's not like I think he's really there, but somehow I feel closer to him. Ok, well, on to year two...
Well, it has now been One YEAR since Tom died. I really can't believe that I made it through, that the first year is over and I Survived! I feel sad and accomplished by this fact. I feel like I'm stronger because some days I didn't know if I'd make it to the next, but I did. I feel sad because it's been a whole year without my love. I used to be so in love with life and living and that died with Tom. I want to feel that way again. Some people say the second year is harder. I'm not sure yet if that is true. I know that in some ways it has been more painful, but I think that is just because I'm no longer in a fog, but at the same time I have found this inner strength that tells me I can go on because I have made it this far.
The 10th was hard. I spent most of the day driving to Arlington. I tried to think of other things that would keep my mind off of Tom, but as 1:00pm approached I got more and more anxious. See, at 1:04PM on May 10, 2010 Tom called me to say his final goodbye. Minutes later he died. On Thursday May 13, 2010, Jena and I were in Verizon. I wanted a new phone because I didn't want anything to happen to the one that had all the saved text messages from Tom on it. So, while in Verizon the song "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat came on. It was the first time I had ever heard it and I lost it, bawling my eyes out in the middle of the store. I feel like there was so much I didn't get to say to Tom before he died. Ever since then that song has completely reminded me of him... Ok, so at 1:04PM this May 10th, one year to the minute after my last phone call from Tom, while I was on my way to see him in Arlington, that song came on the radio. I lost it! Then I was ok again until I actually saw his name on his headstone.
I spent almost an hour crying laying on his grave. I felt so peaceful there and at home. I wanted to stay and take a nap... and just camp out and never leave. I had such a headache from crying so hard and got back on the road to go to my Mom's house. It was so hard to leave him. I know that may seem strange and it's not like I think he's really there, but somehow I feel closer to him. Ok, well, on to year two...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Anxious and Decision
I'm feeling anxious once again. I hate this feeling... like a lot! I think I can tell that something is about to change in my life and I don't know what to expect. I get so worried that it's going to be something really bad. Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times? Well, other times I just Know it's bad and that really scares me. I think this time it's going to be something sad. I don't know what it is, but I kind of have an idea. I guess it's one of those things, though, that is out of my control (pretty much like everything in life), so I'm just trying to stay positive about it all and remember that everything happens for a reason, though ususally have no idea what the reason is.
I texted my ex today. I asked his advice on taking Nathan to see you on the 10th, Tommy, because I've gotten mixed reactions about it. It made me cry after I realzied the significance of what I did. I asked my ex to help me make a decision on our son, Tom. When I'm not sure what is best for our children I should be asking you what I should do. We should be making all decisions about Nathan and Avery together-- not that the ex and I made this decision together, but I wanted his opinion as a Dad himself and as a friend to me. But he and I aren't together anymore. It was strange that I thought instinctively to ask him. We've been broken up for 3 months and have had a rocky time since then, but my first thought was "What would [the ex] tell me to do in this situation?" I trusted his opinion on it and felt comforted by his response. It's almost like he brought me a little peace... on several different levels today. That is a complicated situation if ever there was one, but I'm glad that there is someone to whom I can turn and trust to be there when I need it-- especially in that capacity.
I would love to one day have that one man in my life that I can share a family with again; that man that will be there for me and for our kids, but until God brings him or reveals him to me, then I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a friend I can lean on. I guess I need to be thankful for the things I do have and the needs that God does meet for me that sometimes I overlook. Strange how my mind starts one place and ends another.
I texted my ex today. I asked his advice on taking Nathan to see you on the 10th, Tommy, because I've gotten mixed reactions about it. It made me cry after I realzied the significance of what I did. I asked my ex to help me make a decision on our son, Tom. When I'm not sure what is best for our children I should be asking you what I should do. We should be making all decisions about Nathan and Avery together-- not that the ex and I made this decision together, but I wanted his opinion as a Dad himself and as a friend to me. But he and I aren't together anymore. It was strange that I thought instinctively to ask him. We've been broken up for 3 months and have had a rocky time since then, but my first thought was "What would [the ex] tell me to do in this situation?" I trusted his opinion on it and felt comforted by his response. It's almost like he brought me a little peace... on several different levels today. That is a complicated situation if ever there was one, but I'm glad that there is someone to whom I can turn and trust to be there when I need it-- especially in that capacity.
I would love to one day have that one man in my life that I can share a family with again; that man that will be there for me and for our kids, but until God brings him or reveals him to me, then I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a friend I can lean on. I guess I need to be thankful for the things I do have and the needs that God does meet for me that sometimes I overlook. Strange how my mind starts one place and ends another.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
11 Months... And My Tattoo
Well, let's start with the fact that today is April 10th which means 11 months ago was the last time I saw you, the last time I felt your skin, the last time I smelled you, the last time I felt your arms hold me, the last time I heard your voice. Since that day life has been filled with many firsts: the first week, first wedding anniversary, first month, first birthday, first holidays... and now we are one month away from the big one-- the first year anniversary. I had a converstation not long ago with a fellow widow (Karie) who has this big day coming up in a few days. We talked about how terrified we are of that day for ourselves because we know that people will look at us and say that we should be "OK" now that the first year of mourning is over. They think that day must be magic and it's like once that first year is over then we will be our "normal" selves again. It ends our grace period and people will start to expect more from us.
Why? Why does everyone else want to decide how we should act and when it should start? I mean I loved you for 9 years, don't I get more than 1 to miss you and love you and feel like my heart is still being ripped out of my chest? I don't think I helped my cause any by dating someone else for 6 months. Yes, yes I ran into the arms of a man who I thought was heaven sent-- he wasn't. He broke what little I had left... but that's for another time. Point being, I think those close to me saw this and assumed that I "Must be doing fine." IDIOTS! All of them! What I did in that situation is run away from dealing with your death. Then when he broke up with me I dealt. It was hard! It SUCKED! But it was real. And I needed it. I needed to face it and to learn to live on my own for the first time ever. I did that. I feel "whole" again, and when I say whole I mean as a person. Not my heart. Not the pain that will
always be there. I miss you. I know you know that, but I still tell you all the time. Some days are easier, but since March 14th when the first gun incident took place somehow my pain has been brought to the surface.
It's like no matter how hard I try to run, I can't out run it.
Last weekend was BAD. I was so emotional. I got a text from a friend that read "Hey Hooker. What is going on? Everytime I look at facebook you're having a mental break down." Oh and for the record becuase this is the internet and people are IDIOTS-- as has been stated already-- I am NOT a hooker! She was just joking, but I thought it funny to include that part of the text... Anyway, yes, yes I was having a bit of an emotional time.
Last weekend marked the one year of the "Easter Incident" as has been labled by me. Which leads me into the story of my tattoo... You like my segway? LOL...
Let's start with what I got; It's the Hebrew letters for hoshana. Why would I get that? Why woud I get a tattoo at all when I think they are pretty trashy especially on females? Well, first of all to those who may be offended by me calling tattoos trashy, 1. Get over it. I don't care if my opinion offends you, you should only care what your opinion is and 2. I obviously got one anyway, so... Ok, I got it because since you died Tom, I have wanted one that was menaingful and somehow connected to you. My first thoughts last year were a Gold Star or Gold Star Flag, or a cross with your initials in it. Later I also thought about getting this one. To me it's the most meaningful.
Let's briefly talk about The Easter Incident and how it was that which lead to the circumstances of your death.... Cliff's notes version of the story is: The day before Easter we got in a fight. It was a bad one. You were trying to pick a fight with me all day. I kept telling you to quit, but I knew you wouldn't. I'm not sure why, but you pushed my bottons and I snapped! I laid into you and yelled and let out everything I had been holding in for TWO YEARS. Well, you were sitting at the desk and stood up without saying anything. I knew-- I KNEW what was about to happen and I tried to beat you there. I didn't, but I fought you for it-- the 45-- it was loaded and I'm almost positive the safety was off. The way I grabbed it had the gun pointing towards me-- not intentionally, just how it happened. You pushed me off, we ended up outside, you tried to get in your truck, I tried to stop you. I told you to give me the gun or I'd call the cops. I started to while still fighting with you, but all of a sudden your eyes changed. The kids were watching from the front door and when I saw that look-- one that I never thought I'd see in your eyes-- I knew to get out of the way.
Fast forward a few hours because the other details don't matter to this story (some of those don't either, but...). I never felt so scared for your life as I did that night-- not even the day you actually did take your life. It was THAT night that I truly believed you were going to die. I called everyone-- even my Pastor to pray for you. I was convinced that it was over. So many details, left for another day, but yes, it was that night I threw myself on the ground.
I don't remember everything clearly now, but sometime around then or before then I had taken a Beth Moore Bible Study at church and she talked about how every day we were supposed to get on our faces before God. I think I tried it for like 30 seconds one time and that was it. I just felt strange or something doing it. I just had a hard time with it. Not that night. That night I was sprawled out on the floor sobbing, crying out to God to save you.
For those who don't know, the word hosanna is used as a word of adoration and praise for God by Christians. Hosanna or really hoshana in the Hebrew means "save now" or "please save." Around this time Hilsong had a song out called "Hosanna" and it happened to be playing on the computer at one point during the night's events. I kept playing it over and over. Praising God for all his blessings, but more importantly calling out hosanna-- please save/ save now to God to save you, Tommy. I needed you to come home more than ever that night. I prayed that He would save you. I was flat on my face praying for you over and over and trying to trust that He would bring you home safe. I cried that whole night. I can't explain the emense amount of relief when I saw your headlights in the drive way. He did save you that night. It took you 8 anxiety pills to calm you down enough to bring you home, but really it was God. We drove to DC the next morning for our final family vacation for the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. The events of that night and calling the police is what set the stage for "The End."
Fast forward to a little over a month ago. I'm going to this church and they had a night of worship and one of the songs they played was Hosanna by Hilsong. The woman's voice who sang it was haunting. It was amazing and hearing it for the first time since probably you died, was emotional and I cried a bit. I played that song maybe 70 times in the next few days. At first it was a song that brought back pain and hurt, but somehow over those few days the song became one of healing and peace. I looked at it differently. I didn't feel like God had let me down by letting you die. I felt like God had saved you for 5 more weeks. He gave us an amazing gift by allowing you to come home that night. He did save you and in those 5 weeks you and I had some moments of healing and restoration and love that I will forever cherish. I will always wish and want you here with us, but I am trying to be thankful for what I call the "extra time" with you that I didn't believe we would have that night.
I guess this tattoo stands as a reminder to me what was given to us and what could have been that night as well as a reminder that God does save. It may not always be everything we want and ask for, but sometimes it's more than we think we'll get. I'm still on shaky ground with God, but I feel closer than I have since your death. I miss you and love you and so do our babies.
Love always and forever,
Katie
Why? Why does everyone else want to decide how we should act and when it should start? I mean I loved you for 9 years, don't I get more than 1 to miss you and love you and feel like my heart is still being ripped out of my chest? I don't think I helped my cause any by dating someone else for 6 months. Yes, yes I ran into the arms of a man who I thought was heaven sent-- he wasn't. He broke what little I had left... but that's for another time. Point being, I think those close to me saw this and assumed that I "Must be doing fine." IDIOTS! All of them! What I did in that situation is run away from dealing with your death. Then when he broke up with me I dealt. It was hard! It SUCKED! But it was real. And I needed it. I needed to face it and to learn to live on my own for the first time ever. I did that. I feel "whole" again, and when I say whole I mean as a person. Not my heart. Not the pain that will
always be there. I miss you. I know you know that, but I still tell you all the time. Some days are easier, but since March 14th when the first gun incident took place somehow my pain has been brought to the surface.
It's like no matter how hard I try to run, I can't out run it.
Last weekend was BAD. I was so emotional. I got a text from a friend that read "Hey Hooker. What is going on? Everytime I look at facebook you're having a mental break down." Oh and for the record becuase this is the internet and people are IDIOTS-- as has been stated already-- I am NOT a hooker! She was just joking, but I thought it funny to include that part of the text... Anyway, yes, yes I was having a bit of an emotional time.
Last weekend marked the one year of the "Easter Incident" as has been labled by me. Which leads me into the story of my tattoo... You like my segway? LOL...
Let's start with what I got; It's the Hebrew letters for hoshana. Why would I get that? Why woud I get a tattoo at all when I think they are pretty trashy especially on females? Well, first of all to those who may be offended by me calling tattoos trashy, 1. Get over it. I don't care if my opinion offends you, you should only care what your opinion is and 2. I obviously got one anyway, so... Ok, I got it because since you died Tom, I have wanted one that was menaingful and somehow connected to you. My first thoughts last year were a Gold Star or Gold Star Flag, or a cross with your initials in it. Later I also thought about getting this one. To me it's the most meaningful.
Let's briefly talk about The Easter Incident and how it was that which lead to the circumstances of your death.... Cliff's notes version of the story is: The day before Easter we got in a fight. It was a bad one. You were trying to pick a fight with me all day. I kept telling you to quit, but I knew you wouldn't. I'm not sure why, but you pushed my bottons and I snapped! I laid into you and yelled and let out everything I had been holding in for TWO YEARS. Well, you were sitting at the desk and stood up without saying anything. I knew-- I KNEW what was about to happen and I tried to beat you there. I didn't, but I fought you for it-- the 45-- it was loaded and I'm almost positive the safety was off. The way I grabbed it had the gun pointing towards me-- not intentionally, just how it happened. You pushed me off, we ended up outside, you tried to get in your truck, I tried to stop you. I told you to give me the gun or I'd call the cops. I started to while still fighting with you, but all of a sudden your eyes changed. The kids were watching from the front door and when I saw that look-- one that I never thought I'd see in your eyes-- I knew to get out of the way.
Fast forward a few hours because the other details don't matter to this story (some of those don't either, but...). I never felt so scared for your life as I did that night-- not even the day you actually did take your life. It was THAT night that I truly believed you were going to die. I called everyone-- even my Pastor to pray for you. I was convinced that it was over. So many details, left for another day, but yes, it was that night I threw myself on the ground.
I don't remember everything clearly now, but sometime around then or before then I had taken a Beth Moore Bible Study at church and she talked about how every day we were supposed to get on our faces before God. I think I tried it for like 30 seconds one time and that was it. I just felt strange or something doing it. I just had a hard time with it. Not that night. That night I was sprawled out on the floor sobbing, crying out to God to save you.
For those who don't know, the word hosanna is used as a word of adoration and praise for God by Christians. Hosanna or really hoshana in the Hebrew means "save now" or "please save." Around this time Hilsong had a song out called "Hosanna" and it happened to be playing on the computer at one point during the night's events. I kept playing it over and over. Praising God for all his blessings, but more importantly calling out hosanna-- please save/ save now to God to save you, Tommy. I needed you to come home more than ever that night. I prayed that He would save you. I was flat on my face praying for you over and over and trying to trust that He would bring you home safe. I cried that whole night. I can't explain the emense amount of relief when I saw your headlights in the drive way. He did save you that night. It took you 8 anxiety pills to calm you down enough to bring you home, but really it was God. We drove to DC the next morning for our final family vacation for the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. The events of that night and calling the police is what set the stage for "The End."
Fast forward to a little over a month ago. I'm going to this church and they had a night of worship and one of the songs they played was Hosanna by Hilsong. The woman's voice who sang it was haunting. It was amazing and hearing it for the first time since probably you died, was emotional and I cried a bit. I played that song maybe 70 times in the next few days. At first it was a song that brought back pain and hurt, but somehow over those few days the song became one of healing and peace. I looked at it differently. I didn't feel like God had let me down by letting you die. I felt like God had saved you for 5 more weeks. He gave us an amazing gift by allowing you to come home that night. He did save you and in those 5 weeks you and I had some moments of healing and restoration and love that I will forever cherish. I will always wish and want you here with us, but I am trying to be thankful for what I call the "extra time" with you that I didn't believe we would have that night.
I guess this tattoo stands as a reminder to me what was given to us and what could have been that night as well as a reminder that God does save. It may not always be everything we want and ask for, but sometimes it's more than we think we'll get. I'm still on shaky ground with God, but I feel closer than I have since your death. I miss you and love you and so do our babies.
Love always and forever,
Katie
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