Poem

I wrote this years ago when a guy I grew up with killed himself. It was the first time I had ever dealt with suicide and it was hard even though we weren't close. I didn't know how to deal with it and was constantly dreaming about him. I came across it today and put your name where his was. I've had many dreams about you and you didn't seem to know that you were gone in the beginning (I didn't either in a lot of those dreams which made it so much harder when I'd wake up thinking you were there).


you stand there smiling, gazing at me
i know that your gone, but how can that be
it happens when i'm sleeping, i know that it's you
you tell me you're alive, but i know it's not true
i wish that it were, then the pain would go away
for everyone to have you for just one more day
i don't believe that you wanted to die
now you're trying to reach out, but i do not know why
am i the one bringing you here
or can somehow i help you end your tears
what can i say, what can i do
tommy please tell me, i'll do it for you

"Untitled" Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Guilty as Charged

This guilt is really getting to me. And I don't like the person it's turning me into. I cant' seem to get a handle on it. I feel so much guilt for your death and fear of what our children will think of me when they are older and start blaming me, too. I never meant for any of this to happen. I can't seem to forgive myself. It's really eating at me right now. All of it is. The role I played in your death and everything I've done since. I should be acting perfectly, but I just went downward. I need strength and forgiveness, but I can't allow it for myself for some reason. Maybe because I don't feel I deserve it? But what about what I'm doing to those around me? They don't deserve the crap I've been dealing out. I wish I could get it together.

8 months, 2 days

I'm sorry Tommy. I miss you. I love you.

Katie

Waiting For The End lyrics

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/linkin-park-lyrics/waiting-for-the-end-lyrics.html]
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

2011 A New Year Full Of...

We are 6 days into the new year and let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse everyday. Indirectly it's because of you Thomas... oh yeah I just used it so you know I'm mad! Well, actually some of it is really directly because of you-- nothing in my life would be as it is if it weren't for you and your death.

I thought I had found some happiness and some peace, but it's not looking so good now. It's just one more thing I've lost-- oh and I got a phone call today that in some ways I suspected for months I would get, but really hoped I was wrong. I told the person I was too angry to talk right then and I'd have to call them back.

To tell you the truth Thomas, I hate you for this one. I really truly HATE YOU for causing this situation. It's not like I haven't played a big part in it since you died, but it was your death that did it and I told you the day before that you were going to cause damage if you killed yourself. Your response was ridiculous and messed up. You hurt so many people by taking your life. Most importantly was our children.
I HATE YOU for that!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone made the comment that your death was a gift that will continue to give forever and obviously not in a good way. I wish you were alive so I could yell at you, though I may never stop and I kind of want to throw something at you too right now! I haven't been this angry at you before over your death, but today I can't stop the feeling. I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what the right thing and the best thing to do for everyone is and I just can't seem to figure it out.

I want the right answers and I want happiness for the kids and for me. That is what I want this year and so far it's so not looking good!

I miss you so much, Tommy!

My Random 3AM Post

Tommy,

Well, what can I say? December has been here for a moment and next week will be busy. Last Christmas I was sick and you had to make dinner. I couldn't even sit at the table with you, which makes me sad now. It was great though when I looked over and saw you and the kids together. They are amazing children. I was back home the other day and Avery was acting up so I yelled at her. She started crying for Daddy. "I want my Daddy" over and over again. She has never done that before. It made my heart break.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm in denial and while maybe it's not totally healthy, it works for me. They did our story as a segment on a documentary on E! on military wives. They had to cut a lot of it out because they were threatened with legal action otherwise. Nothing was allowed to be said about you even being on base let alone talking about your command or the doctors or how it all played out that day.
So, I know you didn't want me to move (the whole broken glass bowl in the middle of the night incident), but I did. My location was influenced by wrong motives and I think that you were trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I happy there. The other night I was crying. It was the night that it all started to unravel. I wasn't crying because things were unraveling, but because I realized that I didn't listen to you enough while you were alive and even after you died you tried to warn me, but I STILL didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened more and here I was thinking I knew better, but I was wrong. (Now let's be honest, you were wrong lots of times, too, but I didn't listen nearly as much as I should). You'd tell me I was listening to the wrong people and sometimes I did and others I didn't. I found myself in a similar situation again. This time, though, I am finally learning my lesson (yay for whoever get's to deal with me next, haha).

I'm starting to realize that my focus has been blurred. It's not so much of an issue anymore, but it all happened for a reason. I have to stop being selfish now and stop focusing on me and what is making me temporarily happy. That happiness isn't lasting anyway, but I sure as hell needed it while I had it. It's time for me to start figuring ME out and life for our kids.

I got some good advice this past week while back home (our home, back home). I realize that it's time to change my focus. I've been hoping that something external would come in and fix things, but it's me who has to fix it and then that certain type of happiness I've been clinging to will come on its own. It's like I've been working from the outside in, but I need to work from the inside out. It may hurt and it may be lonely and hard trying to fix it all, but it's what I have to do.

Love,
Katie