Letters to TOMMY

Wow Army Wife I am PISSED at You!

2011-12-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

NOTE: this is nothing personal against the Army or Army wives in general, just this one in particular.

I read an article shared by another military widow today that has bothered me enough to blog about it. Rebekah Sanderlin is the author of said article and I am truly shocked that this is coming from an Army wife who writes about military marriages.

To Ms. Sanderlin I say: Our husbands have Both served this amazing country of ours in ways that are honorable. It is because of men and women like our spouses that YOU have to freedom to write such things. BUT how Dare you sit there and first of all call others "ignorant and irritating" when you yourself are showing the same disrespect that you received when people looked down on you for your husband's service in Afghanistan. I mean really? You sit there and say how thankful you are that he never went to Iraq, but you say it because to you Afghanistan is the "good" war which says you think that Iraq is the "bad" war. So you, too are judging just as others have judged you.

I *LOVE* the last paragraph which says, "I hope that, going forward, Americans will keep in mind that the men and women who served in Iraq did so honorably and nobly and that they and their families sacrificed greatly for our nation. They deserve the gratitude of the nation that sent them -- again and again and again -- to war." ...And by *LOVE* I obviously am being sarcastic. You sit there for an entire article putting down the war in Iraq and are smart enough to know that since there will be backlash for it you'd better end it on a positive note hoping that is the part that remain in the minds of others, not all the negative that you wrote for paragraph before. Well, it takes A LOT to offend me, but congratulations because you have! What a disgrace you are to being a military wife. You say it's "baggage" for us? For our families? You say this as if WE should be ashamed. Well, my dear, I say it is YOU who should be ashamed, and maybe even CNN for posting this (though for the record I do love CNN for all they have done about the American Widow Project).

My husband served in BOTH wars, Iraq and Afghanistan. I assure you, sweetheart, that both are equally as worth remembering and the sacrifice of those who served should be Honored.
.... To be continued when I calm down....

*EDIT*
I'm a bit calmer now after going to Spin class and hanging out with my neighbor having a beer. I am obviously a widow and in several widow groups and we all pretty much feel the same way-- disgusted by the things that were said by Ms. Sanderlin. Many Americans died in Iraq and to have someone like her sit there and make it seem as though it's a disgrace. I feel that Ms. Sanderlin is the disgrace. I almost pitty her because you know that she's not so popular in Fayetteville, NC right now where she lives (or anywhere else for that matter); I'm sure there are plenty of soliders and wives at Fort Bragg that would like to put her in her place-- I Almost feel bad for her, but I don't. I don't feel bad for someone like her at all and hope that she learns to be more careful about what she says on such a large scale as CNN.

Here's the link to the article...
http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/15/opinion/sanderlin-iraq-afghanistan/index.html

Me? PTSD?

2011-09-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of summer my Mom told me that she thinks I have PTSD. She was apprehensive to tell me this as she didn't want to upset me. Upset me? No. It didn't. It made me laugh actually because I thought the idea was Ridiculous! I could not possibly have PTSD! Why would my husband's suicide be something that could even cause PTSD? She went with the whole "Well, it IS a traumatic event" reasoning, so I ran it past one of my friends who's a Marine and has PTSD. He agreed with my Mom. I started to think about it and see why they think this way. I do show signs of it, but I'm still doubtful. I'll have to see a therapist to be formally diagnosed for me to really believe it, but I do know I have struggled with Tom's death greatly. They aren't the only ones who seem to think I am suffering with PTSD either...

So, this past weekend while I was in NC a fellow widow and I met up for a little bit, which is crazy in it's own right just because neither of us lives in NC anymore. The funny thing about this girl is that we originally met in high school because we share a mutual best friend, though we never really hung out together. She married her high school sweetheart and ended up at Camp Lejeune, too. Her husband died almost 6 years ago and our mutual friend put us in touch after my husband died. She was actually the first military widdow I ever talked to (RJP was the second). Anyway, we started talking about one of her friends. I'm not sure what her name is, but she reads my blog (HI, btw!). Apparently she started reading my blog before she knew Andrea and I were even friends. When she realized this she told Andrea that from reading my blog it sounds like I have PTSD and she needed to tell me that. I just find it amusing in the maybe-they-are-right-kind-of-way that everyone seems to think I do.

I think for me it's a scary thought, not that I'm afraid of actually having it. It's just that it was my husband's PTSD that took his life and while I don't plan on taking that path, it's still one of those things that just shouldn't be. It's just too ironic to me. I may have to explore this a little more (and with a professional), but it's just coincidental that it keeps being brought up by various people.

NCIS Released Tom's Belongings

2011-09-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've been in North Carolina and since I don't have plans to be back for a while I called the Special Agent who worked Tom's case and was finally told I could come pick up his belongings (16 months after his death)! I wasn't sure how I'd do and didn't want to go alone, but I also didn't want Avery to go with me. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I asked Jena to stay at the house with her, which she did.

As I drove on base my anxiety increased and I could feel my chest getting tighter. I took deep breaths to try and keep me calm. As I drove towards the fire station (where Tom died) the song "Here Without You" by 3doors Down came on the radio. This is one of the few songs that can bring me to my knees. I broke down 3 weeks after he died at the bar when this song played, it's the song that cause my widow breakdown at work. It was one of the songs Tom put on the deployment CD he made for me. Hearing it as I drove past the fire station was another one of those moments that made me lose it. I composed myself after I pulled into the parking lot of NCIS.

As I got out of my car and walked up to the NCIS building it was as if something else took over. It wasn't me moving my body along the sidewalk. My body felt numb, as if I had no control over it. Though I had called earlier and was to be expected, I had to wait in the lobby. My chest was tense and kept getting tighter. Where was the special agent? I just wanted this to be over. I tried to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts with little to no avail. I heard a siren and it made me think of Tom that day and how they had to call an ambulance for him, though it wouldn't have made a difference. Several people in a few of the first cars on the scene were docs, and when I ran into one at NCIS months ago by random chance he explained how it was a fatal wound and nothing could have been done. It was over in just a few short minutes. I thought about that day and how much has changed since then... The door opened and interrupted my thoughts. It was the Special Agent. He called me into an office for a minute, sat me down and remind me of what I was getting back and made sure I really wanted certain items.

We had to wait a few minutes for his things to be brought from the other building, and chatted about things. He said since the case is closed he could talk a bit about it and mentioned the text messages between Tom and I from the previous days leading up to his death. Somehow his take on it gave me comfort. It also makes me want to go back and ready the messages, but emotionally I'm not ready for that.

The lady who handles the evidence came with two plastic tubs that contained Tom's belongings. For some reason I expected them to be in clear plastic bags, though they were not. She took the labels off the bags and when she came to the bag with his wallet, she handed it to me. They both knew how much I had been wanting his wallet and I opened that bag right away. The rest would be saved for when I got home and put Avery to bed....

I had a bit to drink to relax me and began to open the brown paper bags sealed with red tape that read EVIDENCE in larger black letters with NCIS underneath it. I decided that I'd start small and work my way up with the bags. There was one box, which cased the gun and near 20 individual bags of "evidence" in various sizes. I chose to start small seeing as part of me felt I was a little too relaxed for this. I figured I'd wait to open the larger bags for another night knowing his clothes were sitting in there. All of a sudden it seemed like a bad idea to have 3 glasses of wine before embarking on this "mission." I wanted a clear head. It wasn't going to happen tonight, okay... but I wanted to open something. I chose a bag. It almost felt empty. When I opened it, I pulled the plastic bag out-- it was a pen, no cap. Somehow it gave me the confidence to go on. Bag #2...

It was larger, but light, so I just went for it. I knew the heaviest bags had become home to his boots, blouse, and pants, for the last year, but I didn't think about what anything else could be. I reached in without looking. My natural reflex was to yank my arm back without hesitation as I felt cloth. My hand barely touched it, but automatically registered the different textures. Part was soft, while the other part was rough. I looked. It was his green shirt. It took me a moment and I just left my arm in the bag with it closed, though my hand not extended far enough to touch the shirt.

Once I got the courage (and the pep talk from myself that the shirt could have been taken from the back seat of the truck), I reached further in and pulled it out. This was the moment of truth and it WAS the shirt he wore that day. (Now, I will leave it at that, though I have my feelings written down for myself, this is a little too personal for me to share on here). I held it up and tried to recall what Tom looked like in it, how he filled it out, how much bigger he was than me. I decided to be more careful with the rest of the bags I'd open for that night. I chose the ones that were like the first-- small. Those were safe. And this one made me laugh. It was an empty strip of Zantac for his heartburn. The last I opened for the night just had some random papers. I was going to quit while I was ahead.

.... Ok, so it's been a few days since I wrote that (it was sitting in the draft box). I opened the rest of the evidence bags, and it was much easier than I expected. The way it was described to me had me prepared for the worst and it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't the way I pictured. In some strange way it really did give me this new sense of peace. I think it's the closure I've been waiting for, not that there is ever true closure with a suicide, but I feel like I can start looking forward. It was holding me back on some subconscious level that isn't there now. I love my husband and miss him more than I could ever explain in words. Only my tears hold the true extent of my grief for Tom. Those tears are rarely shared with the public, but in the quiet of my home where no one else can see, I let out my pain, my sorrow, my anguish for my love.

A Different Kind of Fairy Tale

2011-08-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while (except for the past week) and even less than that, I haven't read any blogs in as much time. Tonight I figured I would and the first (and only) one I read sparked something inside me. It's the latest post from the blog "A Grteful People" titled "My Version of The Notebook Sequal."

The pictures are from her family photo shoot with Marine husband and two young children. They are beautiful photos that look straight out of a magazine. I see this young, beautiful mom a family to match. It was bitter-sweet reading the post and seeing the pictures. It was so much sweeter than anything bitter, but I did feel a moment of saddness for myself, but it quickly disappeared as I admired this family. I'm not a "misery loves company" type person. I see happy people-- families/ couples-- and I get happy knowing that someone out there is happy. I sat there for a few minutes thinking how they look like they have a fairy tale life and it made my heart smile. I know behind closed doors everything is different and with two little ones running around there is sheer caos at times, but in the still pictures there is such love, peacefulness and elogance.

The fairy tales I read to my daughter are ones with a prince and princess and riding off into the sunset after the prince rescues her from a far worse life than she had deserved. There is no typical prince here, yet in my eyes one better-- a Marine.

I don't know why I got so lost in the idea, but none-the-less it's in my head. I miss my Marine all the time. I wish we had amazing family pictures together. I wish he was here right now and I'd probably scheduel a photo shoot for the tomorrow. But alas, he is not here. It doesn't mean I have given up on the idea of a fairy tale. Why can't I get a second chance at a fairy tale? I would love and adore a "Happily Ever After" and maybe it wouldn't be my original ideal ending, but with now as my new starting point I could really use Happily Ever After.

Most people who know me... okay, okay, Everyone who knows me knows that I have been extremely closed minded about dating anyone who is not a Marine since Tom died. I tried going on dates with civilians, soldiers, and Airmen, but I just couldn't get over the fact that they weren't Marines or at least hadn't been Marines in the past. I am really trying to not think that way. I will say that military is preferable for me and it doesn't have to be active duty now, but at some point and just because I feel like they will understand me a little better and where I'm coming from. I do have a thing for Marines though and everything Marine Corps. That is where my affinity lays and always shall.

I don't know, but looking at the pictures tonight just made me think how nice it would be to have THAT again. To be married to a Marine and to have that life with a Marine husband and at least my two kids. Maybe it seems like I'm trying to replace what I once had, but I'm not. Nothing will ever be what I had and in some ways that's a good thing. I just feel most comfortable in that life and tonight it just brought up all these feelings about having my Marine "prince" come sweep me off my feet and have that Happily Ever After fairy tale ending...

Miss You

2011-08-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I. Miss. You.... A LOT!

I wonder what life would be like if you didn't die that day. I wonder what we would be doing right now in this very moment instead. I hate playing the "What...If" game, but I'm playing it anyway right now.

I could really use a hug and kiss from you. I love the way you kissed me. I wish your arms were around me right now. Guess wishing is all I can do.

Love Always,
Katie

A Great Weekend

2011-08-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Jena came to visit this weekend. It's always so nice to have a good friend come for a visit. We went to Savannah and Hilton Head Island on Saturday. Savannah is my favorite place in the world. We ate at Moon River. I love it and take everyone there. It's Tom's and my place for sure, but kind of reminds me of "C" as well. I guess by now I should just be calling Savannah MY place. I love everything about it. Sometimes those memories creep up and get to me when I'm there. I think having Jena with me that night was really good. She understands and she accepts it all and she can get my mind off of it all, too.

Jena came down because she needed a weekend away. We are both facing similar decisions in life right now, so I completely understand where she is coming from. It's great to have those friends who just get it and after every sentence it's that smile, or nod that says "I know, trust me, I know." Friends like Jena are Rare! I'm blessed to have her friendship. We are very different and very much alike at the same time. We can both be a little crazy and like to have fun when we go out, but we can also have a great time just hanging out and relaxing. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, though I've been told since Tom died I'm much more guarded. It's nice to have a friend I don't have to be guarded around.

Saturday was fun. I'm in a different mind set now and it was great to go out, meet new people, have a few drinks, chill by the water, and have those deep meaningful life talks about where we've been and where we are going. We met these really cool people who were there for a frisbee tournament and then started talking to some Army guys just back from deployment. They had their ball that night and one of the guys kind of seemed like an arrogant jerk before we got into conversation and his friend made a comment about Marines (we all know they have a rivalry). I told him not to make a comment like that to me and once he realized why he was apologetic. They were all pretty cool (ya know for being Army and all-- just kidding). It was nice chatting with them and their wives. I miss being a military wife. It's just so nice to be around people who understand me on THAT level even if only for a few minutes.

We left Savannah and met up with a friend and his roommates on the island. It was a great way to end the night. Sunday we had movie night and laughed until we cried. But of course we had to get into a deep conversation with one of our guy friends on the phone until 1am-ish. That put lots of things into perspective and I know I have tons to think about now (as does Jena, lol). Ugh! When will life be simple? Not sure it ever will be, but I'm just going to keep on living and doing what I need to do and hopefully one day life will be simple. I don't want boring or ordinary, just simple!

We went back to Hilton Head today (Avery was in school), just went and had lunch by the water, relaxed, and talked. I don't know what it is about that place, but I can be having the worst day (though today was a great day to start with), and as soon as I get on that island I feel at peace. I love this whole area down here. I know I need to move and get away, but if I can't be in Southern California then here is where I feel the most peace. Sitting by the water is such a soothing thing for me. I want to spend all my time out there and just soak it all up. If I could bottle it and take it with me I can honestly say I'd rarely have a bad day. Neither Jena nor I wanted to leave. She felt the same way there. I think I found one of my places to go and just write. I've been looking for that-- a place where I feel at peace to just sit and write; a place where my soul is full, happy, and at peace. I'm ready for that in life right now.

Widow Breakdown @ Work

2011-08-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

I play my iPod and put it on shuffle while I'm taking a shower and getting ready for the day. Well, for the past 2 weeks or so (all except for 3 days) while I am in the shower my iPod has been playing songs that remind me of Tom. When I get out of the shower though, it plays songs that remind me of my ex-bf. It's a little weird-- and by a little I mean a lot.

The night before this first started happening I learned of the death of a guy from Tom's unit (later found out there were 2 others). So I was already upset over this news, then the songs started playing first thing in the morning. I cried a little and then went to work. I figured it would be a good distraction and was looking forward to it. Haha! So I am standing there as my manager is going over "game day" with the associates working that day including my good friend Kate and a brand new guy. And of course what starts to play? Yup of course, one of the songs that can bring me to my knees when I'm in a widow mood.

I start to cry and run into the back. Kate comes back and turns the song off. I went back out and thankfully we had a shipment come in that day and he kept me working in the back on that. I couldn't deal with people that day. Later I was talking to another manager about it and he said he heard, and knew it was the "wrong song" that set me off.

Now I understand that not everyone has had to deal with death and not everyone who does will deal with it the same way. I really do understand this, but the other day at work my "widow breakdown" got brought up and one of the newer employees who was not there really pissed me off. He asked what made me cry and I said it was a song that reminded me of my husband. His response: "Are you that sensitive that a song made you cry?" I didn't particularly like the way he said it either. I had a few choice words for him... I kept them in my head, but I wanted to explain to this person what it's like to be a widow, what it's like to have the love of your life die and to miss this man everyday of your life, to wake up every morning without him next to you knowing you won't see or talk to him again and to go to bed every night alone knowing that you won't see him the next day either or ever again. I wanted to explain that we don't choose when or what will trigger us to break down and cry and that sometimes I can listen to that song (and many others) and won't even blink an eye, but sometimes... sometimes when the circumstances are just right that little things like a smell or a song or a memory will bring us to our knees at a moments notice.

I was really mad at this guy, but I let it go. Well, I let it go at work and decided to write about it here instead. If crying over the fact that my husband died makes me "sensitive" I will always be considered sensitive and I am ok with that.

Too Much To Handle

2011-08-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

I wonder how long I need to lay low and stay off the radar before life can go back to being the way I need and want it to be? It would be awesome if I had a remote like on the movie "Click" --without the bad side effects. Besides going back and changing the obvious, right now I really would like to fast forward to being a part of the real world again. For now I'm just trying to focus on me and calm the waters. They have always been a little choppy in my life, but since Tom died the waters have had outrageous waves and my boat is about to capsize if I don't do something now and I don't know how to swim, nor can I find a life vest, so before I totally spin my life out of control to where I can't handle it anymore, I will change it.

I talked to Jena about life in the past few months and I love that she is totally honest with me about everything and doesn't sugar coat it. People are shocked when they hear our conversations because we give each other such raw honesty that most people wonder how we are still friends. The thing is that we both appreciate the honesty that most people are afraid of and know that even when we say something that may hurt the other's feelings, it's truth and it comes from a place of love and respect. We try to build each other up and when one needs to get kicked in the butt to get in gear we can always trust the advice of the other.

So, not only have I been overwhelmed myself lately, I have also been overwhelming to others. I wish I had talked to her about this sooner, but better late than never. I have been seeing my life spinning, but I think when I put it out there to some fellow widows that I Needed widow time and then saw that a few of them got together without me it was a realization that I have been too much to handle. I'll be honest and say that it's not Just since Tom that I get like this. There have been several times in life that I have become so stuck on my own life and having pitty parties and had the attitude that the world revolves around me, but it's been like this for a much longer time frame now since Tom's death. I'm not proud of it, nor do I like it. I don't like myself right now, so how could others like me at this point? But I see it, and I am changing it.

I need to get back to the gym again and start eating right because I am a Totally different person when I go to the gym and at least attempt to eat healthy. It's amazing the difference in my personality and attitude when I work out vs. when I don't. I'm such a better person when I work out. I am more positive, have energy, and I'm more likable (to others and myself). I guess tomorrow I should start being serious about it again-- diet and gym!

As I write this the U2 song 'Stuck in Moment' came on. "It's just a moment, this time will pass." I guess as I started this I was thinking how nice it would be to have that remote and fast forward life, but ya know, this is just a moment in my life and while I always search for the quick fixes in life I have learned (and by learnED I mean learnING) that there aren't quick fixes and that is just the way life goes. I just have to relax and live and it will get there. Time goes by fast and my life will be where it needs to be sooner than later with the right attitude and mind set. I just need to not worry about anything else and just enjoy the ride.

Lost and Found

2011-08-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

Do you know who I am? No really I'm asking because I don't know. Apparently this has been the subconscious question I have been asking EVERYONE about ME for far too long now. I haven't realized it on the level I needed to until recently, but now I can see that is what I was doing. I have been running and hiding from the real world for, oh... say 15 months and 4 days, perhaps. I have been trying to escape from reality. Funny thing is that "C" has told me many times that I don't know what reality is. Wrong. I know what reality is and I Choose to run from it.

I have been trying to figure out my life for a long time and trying to figure out who I am now. I know who I am as a person and back in January I really felt like I found myself, my true self again. I didn't feel lost so much anymore and then somewhere in the past 3 months or so I lost that person. I'll be real here and say that I haven't been the greatest person ever. I haven't held true to my values or character or my convicitions in life. I haven't treated people the way I normally do, nor how I should. I have been a bit mean and I feel bad about it. I really couldn't give a straight answer as to why because I'm not really sure. I'm not proud of myself, but I have to say that I have some amazing friends that have pointed out my faults and still love me none-the-less. I am so thankful and so blessed because not only are they wonderful, they have helped me get back to being the real me (again).

My life has been on drama-overload lately and I got to my breaking point with it. I think I have embraced the drama that has been my life since Tom died because it's what I was used to. Back in December when my relationship with "C" first started to have drama, I talked to one of my guy friends about it. I asked his advice about if I should end things with "C" and he said, "No! That is not at all what I'm saying." I was shocked. I figured as a good friend trying to tell me this guy was no good for me that he would automatically tell me to dump the guy. 'What?' Was all I could say in my moment of shock. He told me, "This guy is perfect for you. All you know anymore is drama and this guy is complete drama, so you should stay with him. You're not drama so you need it in your life." (His explanation on that last sentence was amusing and probably very true but he brought our other friend into it to explain so I'll leave it out for now.) But he was right in the sense that drama was all I knew. Ever since Tom came home from Iraq my life was crazy, and drama had become my comfort zone-- not one I recommend for sure, but it was the one thing I understood.

The thing is that drama never ended with "C" even when our relationship did. When I started dating "K" I just didn't know how to deal with him and his lack of drama. The calmest my life has been in a long time was when "K" was in my life. I felt good about myself and my life and the direction it was headed at that point. I couldn't sit here and explain why I felt the way I did, but I just remember having those thoughts then. I messed up things on that one, but it was a learning experience for sure. I think I've allowed so much drama in my life because it keeps me distracted from reality. And there has been plenty lately. I'll be honest and say most of my drama over the past 15 months has been related to boys (and not just boys I date, but boys who Want to date me), my family, and my drinking (oh it was bad for a while back in the beginning of the year and I don't drink often anymore-- and finally reached a point where I'm going to limit my amount when I do drink). It seems like I need to learn all my lessons the hard way.

I didn't realize how much drama was going on in my life because I was so wrapped up in it. I mean there have been a few times when I have seen my life getting out of control and needed to reign it back in, but this is on a different level and I'm at a point where I'm ready to run from the world and hide in a little hut all by myself and never come out (well only if the hut was a 5 star hotel room suit, lol). I just need to learn to chill for a little while; Take a break and then slowly get back into the real world. I'm going to work and write and take a few small, low key trips. If this plan isn't working well in a few months I'm starting back to school to get my Master's... again, lol. I was going to start again next month, but my Mom told me the other day she didn't think I was ready for it. That made me doubt it, too, and if I was swayed that quickly then it looks like she's right. And I need to figure out where I'll be living before I start classes because I don't want to move in the middle of a semester either.

I ran into people from my home church today (I really was going to go, but Miss Avery didn't want to cooperate), anyway, one person said "I didn't know you were here. I can't keep up with you." Haha, I told her I can't even keep up with me, and that's the sad truth. I just want to calm down and take a step back, reevaluate my life a bit and Finally focus! I finally feel like I'm on the right road now and need to stay on it this time!

I've been running too much. I mean anytime life gets a little hard anymore I am out the door! Well, the running is over because let's be honest, there are times in life when running is not an option, so I need to remember what it's like to face the hard times. We won't even discus the running I do... Uh, I mean did... with Tom's death. Though, I have been much better with that one the, I still have my running moments.

Ok, so, I just used to word drama more than should ever be used for any reason! Moving on...lol.

Back in NC

2011-08-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

I'm here in our NC house. Avery is watching Dora on the couch not feeling well and telling me this house is better than our other house and she doesn't want to leave here. I'm supposed to be getting the house ready for renters, but somehow I just can't. I don't even want to go through anything. I have such anxiety over even looking in the closets. What am I supposed to do with all of our stuff? I mean yes, obviously there is storage, but there is so much that I still need to sort through and I can tell you I have no motivation, nor the mental will power to do so. Oh, my. I just want someone else to handle all this. Actually truth be told I wish this wasn't an issue at all, but this is the life I have been dealt and I'm going to have to put my big girl panites on and deal with it... just not this weekend.

I'm really going to have to be ok with this decision and just go with it. I feel like I'm at home here and don't want to move away-- oh wait I did that about 10 months ago, but it was different because I am up here All the time anyway and have that comfort knowing that I can come whenever I want. I just need to deal with the fact that other people will be living here and I can't come home anytime I want-- that I can't come and be close to Tom. I know that Avery is really upset and really wants to be here at the NC house all the time, but that's because she knows and understands that this is where Daddy was when she was a baby and I know she misses him. She talks about him a lot, especially when we are here. It breaks my heart when my babies talk about their Daddy, what they remember and missing him. This house comforts me a lot. I have peace here, but I don't want to "retreat." I want to be strong enough to keep going. I guess we will see soon enough how this all turns out.

The House

2011-08-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well, Tommy, I haven't written to you on here in a while, so I figure why not do so tonight? I mean I am going home for the weekend as I have people moving into our house next month and I need to start getting it ready for the renters. Wow let me tell you how hard of a dicision that was! There is no way I could sell it, I can't afford to pay for it and the apartment anymore, and so I have been struggling with if I move back there or rent it out.

I don't feel you here with me anymore, but I still feel you close when I am in our home in NC. It breaks my heart to think I can't just go there and visit randomly when I get the notion to, which we know I do a lot! I probably go up about once a month and now it'll be at least a whole year before I can go again. I've been waiting for life to just show me what I'm supposed to be doing and waiting for everything to just drop in my lap. I figure I tend to try to rush things just so I can feel secure in knowing what is coming around the corner, but we know that life doesn't work that way. So I try to just let life show me what to do. And these people basically came to me.

It's only a year and in this lifetime that still awaits me, what is one going to do? I've already survived over a year (15 months and 1 day to be super exact) so I can go another year without being at that house. Maybe by then I'll be ready to sell it, who knows. All I know is that it's one less decision I have to make at the moment and one less huge bill I have to think about every month.

I miss you so much, Tommy! I just wish you were here to tell me I'm over reacting yet again and everything will be alright. I miss your arms around me and feeling like nothing else in the world even exists-- because when I was in your arms, nothing else did. I love you with all my heart and miss you as much. Everyday brings me one day closer to being with you again. I wish I knew what you were doing right now. Time for me to go to sleep and maybe dream about you? It's been a while.

Love always,
Katie

A Widow's Dating World (Part 2)

2011-08-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

This has been in the draft box since June. I suppose it's time to post what I wrote then with a little editing that is needed on the story...

Why do some widows choose to date so soon after while others wait longer or never agian? There are just as many reasons as there are widows and I would be doing a diservice if I tried to answer for anyone else, but I can say that I have heard some say they will never date again because "he was it, there will never be anyone else for me" and for them if no one else can compare then there is no point. Others just want to ease the pain or fill the void or are really truly ready for something more. Each widow has her reasons and it's not right to sit there and make assumptions as to what they may be.

As for me? Well, the day before Tom killed himself he told me it was time for him to step back and let some other man take over his family. This obviously floored me and left me speechless and I tried to tell him he was wrong. Well, less than 24 hours later I became a widow. I didn't think about dating for a while and really hated the idea of someone else "taking over" Tom's roll. But at the same time as time went on I knew I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father. I loved nothing more than having a family and wanted that again. The last few years with Tom were hard (I've discussed this before) and I already felt a little alone, not that anything compared to when he died, mind you.

The idea of ever dating again within the first few weeks was only there because of what Tom said and I felt like it was my duty to find my kids a dad. But then it became about me. I went through what many would call a selfish phase in my life and to be honest I wouldn't say I'm completely out of it (though every decision I have made since last June with my kids has been because I believe it's what is best for them). Dating someone (and rightfully so) became about me-- who made me happy and who was best for me. And if the person is right for me then obviously the person will be right for my kids, too. But my kids weren't the focus. I may have lost sight of that a few times and thought about settling for their sake, but as fate would have it, that never came to pass.

So I started going to the gym at the beginning of the year and one of the trainers and I got into a conversation about how I am a Marine's widow and how he is a former Marine. He told me about his friend and how we should hang out sometime. Eventually it happened and we hit it off. We will call him "K." Well "K" and "C" aren't really the best of friends which makes this a little... interesting for us all since they worked together. "K" is really different and was really hard to figure out. He said he didn't do drama, and really, I never really experienced drama with him-- except for the drama I created. All my life has been for 4 years is drama. It's all I know. I think the 'no drama' is one of the things I really liked about "K" but I didn't know how to handle it.

"K" and I dated a little while and he really helped me heal after "C" and get stronger. He showed me what kind of man I want. And honestly, when I was with him I felt "safe." The same kind of safe I did with Tom. I had a hard time letting go of that, but I think "K" also played games with me (yes even with not being able to figure him out or what he was really doing with me I still felt safe-- so hard to explain). And when I say games I mean No Where near on the level that "C" did, but for a while I totally allowed it. We don't talk anymore and truthfully it makes me sad. I have so much respect for "K" as a Marine and a man. That is something that I find so rare anymore-- being able to have that kind of respect for a man. He's the "bad ass" type, but when we were together he treated me well. I know it may seem silly, but he actually got me a Mother's Day card and even now I have to say that is one of the sweetest things ever. It meant so much to me. "C" didn't even send me a Happy Birthday Text until half way through the day of my b-day and we had known each other a while longer. Even with the way things turned out with "K" I still only have positive things to say and probably always will. When I picture in my mind what a Marine Should look like, he comes to mind as the epitomy of the perfect Marine-- maybe needs some work in the relationship area, but I think I should just blame myself for falling for guys that are still in love with their exes, lol.

Learning lessons the hard way seems to be the only way I learn them. Maybe one day I will take the easy route... Maybe, lol.

A Widow's Dating World (Part 1)

2011-06-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Note: This has been my experience and what I have heard as the most general experiences of others if a widow makes the decision to date or get involved with a man again after her husband has died. I am sure there are many other situations that I don't go into and plenty of widows may disagree with some of what I say....

What? Dating as a widow? Are widows even allowed to date? And if so how long does one have to wait after her husband's death to re-enter the dating pool? Well, everyone seems to have opinions and I had my own as well. I will tell you there are 3 paths that I have heard to be the most common for widows to take. Let's start with the one that gets judged most harshly
A. Sleeping around (especially soon after the death). Obviously this gets viewed harshly and while For The Record I did NOT choose this path I have to say that I have come to understand why someone would choose to do this. It's looking for the comfort and filling some sort of void. Of course this gets looked down on in general in life, but slap on the label of "widow" to this situation and wow, look out scarlet letter!
B. Getting into a relationship soon after the death. (I'll get into this one in a bit as this is the path I went down).
C. Waiting a "significant" period of time to get involved with anyone (if at all). Now this is the way that most people think widows should go. Most people (especially those outside the widow world) say we should wait at least a year before we start dating again. That gives the widow time to grieve and mourn her loss. While I have heard many people say the 2nd year is harder than the first, in general the first year is thought to be the most difficult. It takes time to process and learn how to live without the person you just lost.

Waiting a year also shows respect to the deceased and that you actually loved that person. Well, I will be the first to say that just because a widow starts some sort of interaction with another man does NOT mean that her love for her husband wasn't real or "enough." I fell in love with Tom when I was 18 and I can tell you that every other guy I dated was never good enough because they weren't him. We were in and out of each other's lives for years and we always came back to each other because no one else compared. We had that crazy passionate intense love/hate kind of love. That didn't go away when he died or when I met "C" my love for Tom will always be there and other widows will tell you the same thing about the love for their husbands.

My experience:
I assume we're all grown ups here and can handle candid (or semi-candid) talk, so I will be honest (not that I am anything but honest, but maybe open is a better word)...

Two months to the day after Tom died I met one of my neighbor's friends. (We'll call him "C"). The day I met "C" was the first day in the two months since Tom died that I didn't cry. It was the first day I went to bed with an actual smile on my face. We started hanging out and never intended for a relationship to develop. It was nice to have someone there to talk to and give me that male attention. We text messaged all day long and hung out every evening for a week before he even tried to kiss me. He was the first (and only thing for a long time) to genuinely make me smile after Tom's death. I remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him As a Person and knew I always wanted him in my life as a friend (it was day 3 and recently when I told him about it he said he remember that time, too). He was amazing and I could talk to him the way I had wanted Tom and I to be able to talk. I really thought all it was going to be was a friendship, but I was lonely. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in months and just wanted someone there next to me so I could sleep well. He knows this now and why I allowed it to go the way it did, but I needed him in my life at that point.

What I found with "C" was everything that had been missing in my marriage for so long. I truly never thought I'd fall In Love with him. I Never saw forever with "C" while we were together, but then again I couldn't see a 'forever' at all in my life. From the beginning I was terrified of losing him as a friend more than anything. I thought it would be for the summer, ya know that summer romance that when he left would just end-- he was only here for 6 or so weeks for Ssgt school. (Oh yeah, did I mention he's a Marine, too? So is the one after him. ;-) )
It was unspoken, but we were both well aware of we were doing and yes, we were mutually using each other. But like I said, he was everything I had been longing for and I knew I wanted more with him. We decided to date when he left since it was only 5 hours away and I could go visit anytime. I eventually moved closer to him, and by eventually I mean 4 months after I met him and 2 months after we actually labeled us in a relationship. Now let me be clear when I say that I already intended to move closer to where he was living, just not as close as I did. He influenced that decision. I wanted to move before the holidays because I knew they would be too hard to take in that house and my parents both told me they thought it would be best for the kids to move. So, moving was the plan, moving 30 minutes from "C" happened because we discussed it would be an easier drive. I knew I loved him before I moved and tried to hold back on the "falling" part, but that didn't work so well once I moved.

I fell in love really quickly after that and right after New Year's we broke up. He loved me, but wasn't in love (so he said at the time). Things had moved very quickly and I know he got scared. He's more like a female when it comes to the emotional crap and had been burned bad by his exes. One he was still in love with. Apparently "C" wanted her back for a while then told me that he was actually in love with me and not her, but uses her as his scapegoat out of relationships because he doesn't want to get close to anyone and that is what he did with me. Now, I semi believe this only because he told me so last summer, too. And because of some things he told my neighbor (one of his good friends). He said it was the idea of her and what they had and that he was too afraid to totally open up his heart to me after everything in his past. Umm... Ok!?

When "C" and I broke up I was devastated. I had stopped dealing with Tom's death right after we met and hung onto "C" and our relationship so tightly for fear of having to think about Tom and what that really meant in my life. I couldn't handle thinking about Tom and my loss and did everything I could to run away from it, including rushing into another relationship. When we broke up I was now faced with two broken hearts and could barely breathe. This was when everyone saw me Really go down hill in life. I was drunk every single day for weeks. I didn't know how survive without a drink, but I hit rock bottom and somehow forced myself to deal with it all. I finally dealt with Tom's death. Oh God that was hard! I had to learn to accept my being a widow and losing the love of my life once and for all. I sat at home SOBER for several days watching every god-awful heart wrenching movie that I could trying to get all my tears out that I had stifled for months.

Then it was time to let go of "C" but he never let me. Every single time I tried to cut it off and let go he would try to pull me back in. This has gone on since we broke up 5 months ago. He stopped for a little while when I started dating someone else, but it was short lived. All that is for Part 2 of this blog to come later.

I want to go back for a minute and talk about dating in general. We all walk a different path in life. It is so easy to judge. I know I have done it and still do, but when I catch myself doing it I then try to remind myself that I don't know what that person is thinking or what their life has been like. How can I sit here and say that what they are doing is wrong? There have been many days in this past year that just keeping myself alive is the hardest thing I can do. I know what it's like to have such emense pain that nothing matters. How we choose to live and survive shouldn't be judged, it should be accepted even if you think it's wrong. We can all sit here and say "Oh, I'd never do that." But that is total BS! Tom's aunt was a widow around my age and had been with her husband longer than Tom and I were together. When she told me she started dating 5 months out I judged her because I couldn't understand until I met "C." Then I realized that my love for Tom would never change, but that didn't mean I could never be happy or love someone else, too.

And now I am going to the beach so the rest of my blog will come in a day or two...

The Other Side

2011-05-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

"I'd like to offer my condolances on your loss..." It sounds so formal and cold, but we are limited on what we can say in this situation. "I understand what you are going through..." Well, in some ways this is true, yet no one trully understands what another is going through, not totally. Yes, I too am a widow, and yes I too lost my husband to suicide, but other than that well, there may not be many similarities, I don't know. We have never talked, but I know your son well. He is very dear to my heart and in turn, so are you-- even more so now because of this commonality that I regret we share. I am truly sorry that you are going through this (all of you). I am one year out and I can say that when I heard the news of your husband it evoked so much emotion within me that I could barely drive leaving your son's house. Oh, the pain was mine all over again for my own husband, and in those first hours of the news, the pain was for your son, too, whom as you probably know I love so dearly.

That day I talked to my good friend who had helped me through my first few months more than anyone else until I met your son (when I met him, he also greatly held me together, however he never realized just how much so). I said to that friend, "So this is what it's like to be on the other side? This sucks. I feel so helpless." She could relate to that statement as she too felt that way with me. I didn't know what to say or do for him. I wanted to go home with him as he faced this horrible news. He declined, but I think he knew he could have (and still can) turn to me whenever he needs a friend who will listen to him.
I thought about you as well and how dificult it must be to spend so many years together and raise 4 children and have grandchildren and now at this point in your life together to face this tragedy. I remember very well the moment I felt most alone. It was at my husband's funeral (atually one year ago today) when I saw his parents there together, his brothers had their girlfriends and his sisters had their husbands, and I... well, I sat there with the deepest pain I've ever felt and realized that they all had that "someone" to comfort them in their grief, but the person who was supposed to comfort me in my worst moments in life was the person laying in front of us all-- the person we had all gathered to mourn.

I am so saddened to know that you and your family are now traveling this journey. It truly breaks my heart. I want to offer the words that everyone gave me "you are not alone." But those were the words that infuriated me most. How dare They tell me I am not alone! How could they even think to say such words? "I AM alone!" is all I wanted to scream at them (and perhaps I did a time or two). And while those words-- and all words really-- sound trite, I offer them to you now anyway. I do not know your personal journey, and right now with it being so fresh, you may not truly know it either as it may change many times along the way, however, I say this to you for whatever it's worth-- to you, your son, and any other widow as well-- I am here to listen. I will do whatever I can and if I say the wrong thing, please tell me. I do not mean to offend, nor will I be offended by your honesty.

I can not offer much for I do not know the answers myself, but I will do all that I can. Your son will forever hold a special place in my heart and so too shall you. Suicide is an unfortunate common bond I wish no one had to share, but as we walk our journey's seperately we can also walk them together and be of strength to others. I still feel as though I am not far along, but the freshness of pain has had a year to settle and with that comes a different perspective. I wish there was a way to take away your pain. We would all take pain away from those we care about if we had that power, but it's something we must face. We must sit in it and deal with it, and while we must do so alone, we really never are totally alone. I am here Anytime... Anytime!

One Year (and a few days) Later

2011-05-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

May seem scattered, but I'm watching Barbie with Avery and writing this at the same time...

Well, it has now been One YEAR since Tom died. I really can't believe that I made it through, that the first year is over and I Survived! I feel sad and accomplished by this fact. I feel like I'm stronger because some days I didn't know if I'd make it to the next, but I did. I feel sad because it's been a whole year without my love. I used to be so in love with life and living and that died with Tom. I want to feel that way again. Some people say the second year is harder. I'm not sure yet if that is true. I know that in some ways it has been more painful, but I think that is just because I'm no longer in a fog, but at the same time I have found this inner strength that tells me I can go on because I have made it this far.

The 10th was hard. I spent most of the day driving to Arlington. I tried to think of other things that would keep my mind off of Tom, but as 1:00pm approached I got more and more anxious. See, at 1:04PM on May 10, 2010 Tom called me to say his final goodbye. Minutes later he died. On Thursday May 13, 2010, Jena and I were in Verizon. I wanted a new phone because I didn't want anything to happen to the one that had all the saved text messages from Tom on it. So, while in Verizon the song "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat came on. It was the first time I had ever heard it and I lost it, bawling my eyes out in the middle of the store. I feel like there was so much I didn't get to say to Tom before he died. Ever since then that song has completely reminded me of him... Ok, so at 1:04PM this May 10th, one year to the minute after my last phone call from Tom, while I was on my way to see him in Arlington, that song came on the radio. I lost it! Then I was ok again until I actually saw his name on his headstone.

I spent almost an hour crying laying on his grave. I felt so peaceful there and at home. I wanted to stay and take a nap... and just camp out and never leave. I had such a headache from crying so hard and got back on the road to go to my Mom's house. It was so hard to leave him. I know that may seem strange and it's not like I think he's really there, but somehow I feel closer to him. Ok, well, on to year two...

Anxious and Decision

2011-04-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling anxious once again. I hate this feeling... like a lot! I think I can tell that something is about to change in my life and I don't know what to expect. I get so worried that it's going to be something really bad. Sometimes it's a good thing, and other times? Well, other times I just Know it's bad and that really scares me. I think this time it's going to be something sad. I don't know what it is, but I kind of have an idea. I guess it's one of those things, though, that is out of my control (pretty much like everything in life), so I'm just trying to stay positive about it all and remember that everything happens for a reason, though ususally have no idea what the reason is.

I texted my ex today. I asked his advice on taking Nathan to see you on the 10th, Tommy, because I've gotten mixed reactions about it. It made me cry after I realzied the significance of what I did. I asked my ex to help me make a decision on our son, Tom. When I'm not sure what is best for our children I should be asking you what I should do. We should be making all decisions about Nathan and Avery together-- not that the ex and I made this decision together, but I wanted his opinion as a Dad himself and as a friend to me. But he and I aren't together anymore. It was strange that I thought instinctively to ask him. We've been broken up for 3 months and have had a rocky time since then, but my first thought was "What would [the ex] tell me to do in this situation?" I trusted his opinion on it and felt comforted by his response. It's almost like he brought me a little peace... on several different levels today. That is a complicated situation if ever there was one, but I'm glad that there is someone to whom I can turn and trust to be there when I need it-- especially in that capacity.

I would love to one day have that one man in my life that I can share a family with again; that man that will be there for me and for our kids, but until God brings him or reveals him to me, then I can at least find comfort in the fact that I have a friend I can lean on. I guess I need to be thankful for the things I do have and the needs that God does meet for me that sometimes I overlook. Strange how my mind starts one place and ends another.

11 Months... And My Tattoo

2011-04-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, let's start with the fact that today is April 10th which means 11 months ago was the last time I saw you, the last time I felt your skin, the last time I smelled you, the last time I felt your arms hold me, the last time I heard your voice. Since that day life has been filled with many firsts: the first week, first wedding anniversary, first month, first birthday, first holidays... and now we are one month away from the big one-- the first year anniversary. I had a converstation not long ago with a fellow widow (Karie) who has this big day coming up in a few days. We talked about how terrified we are of that day for ourselves because we know that people will look at us and say that we should be "OK" now that the first year of mourning is over. They think that day must be magic and it's like once that first year is over then we will be our "normal" selves again. It ends our grace period and people will start to expect more from us.

Why? Why does everyone else want to decide how we should act and when it should start? I mean I loved you for 9 years, don't I get more than 1 to miss you and love you and feel like my heart is still being ripped out of my chest? I don't think I helped my cause any by dating someone else for 6 months. Yes, yes I ran into the arms of a man who I thought was heaven sent-- he wasn't. He broke what little I had left... but that's for another time. Point being, I think those close to me saw this and assumed that I "Must be doing fine." IDIOTS! All of them! What I did in that situation is run away from dealing with your death. Then when he broke up with me I dealt. It was hard! It SUCKED! But it was real. And I needed it. I needed to face it and to learn to live on my own for the first time ever. I did that. I feel "whole" again, and when I say whole I mean as a person. Not my heart. Not the pain that will
always be there. I miss you. I know you know that, but I still tell you all the time. Some days are easier, but since March 14th when the first gun incident took place somehow my pain has been brought to the surface.
It's like no matter how hard I try to run, I can't out run it.

Last weekend was BAD. I was so emotional. I got a text from a friend that read "Hey Hooker. What is going on? Everytime I look at facebook you're having a mental break down." Oh and for the record becuase this is the internet and people are IDIOTS-- as has been stated already-- I am NOT a hooker! She was just joking, but I thought it funny to include that part of the text... Anyway, yes, yes I was having a bit of an emotional time.
Last weekend marked the one year of the "Easter Incident" as has been labled by me. Which leads me into the story of my tattoo... You like my segway? LOL...

Let's start with what I got; It's the Hebrew letters for hoshana. Why would I get that? Why woud I get a tattoo at all when I think they are pretty trashy especially on females? Well, first of all to those who may be offended by me calling tattoos trashy, 1. Get over it. I don't care if my opinion offends you, you should only care what your opinion is and 2. I obviously got one anyway, so... Ok, I got it because since you died Tom, I have wanted one that was menaingful and somehow connected to you. My first thoughts last year were a Gold Star or Gold Star Flag, or a cross with your initials in it. Later I also thought about getting this one. To me it's the most meaningful.

Let's briefly talk about The Easter Incident and how it was that which lead to the circumstances of your death.... Cliff's notes version of the story is: The day before Easter we got in a fight. It was a bad one. You were trying to pick a fight with me all day. I kept telling you to quit, but I knew you wouldn't. I'm not sure why, but you pushed my bottons and I snapped! I laid into you and yelled and let out everything I had been holding in for TWO YEARS. Well, you were sitting at the desk and stood up without saying anything. I knew-- I KNEW what was about to happen and I tried to beat you there. I didn't, but I fought you for it-- the 45-- it was loaded and I'm almost positive the safety was off. The way I grabbed it had the gun pointing towards me-- not intentionally, just how it happened. You pushed me off, we ended up outside, you tried to get in your truck, I tried to stop you. I told you to give me the gun or I'd call the cops. I started to while still fighting with you, but all of a sudden your eyes changed. The kids were watching from the front door and when I saw that look-- one that I never thought I'd see in your eyes-- I knew to get out of the way.

Fast forward a few hours because the other details don't matter to this story (some of those don't either, but...). I never felt so scared for your life as I did that night-- not even the day you actually did take your life. It was THAT night that I truly believed you were going to die. I called everyone-- even my Pastor to pray for you. I was convinced that it was over. So many details, left for another day, but yes, it was that night I threw myself on the ground.

I don't remember everything clearly now, but sometime around then or before then I had taken a Beth Moore Bible Study at church and she talked about how every day we were supposed to get on our faces before God. I think I tried it for like 30 seconds one time and that was it. I just felt strange or something doing it. I just had a hard time with it. Not that night. That night I was sprawled out on the floor sobbing, crying out to God to save you.

For those who don't know, the word hosanna is used as a word of adoration and praise for God by Christians. Hosanna or really hoshana in the Hebrew means "save now" or "please save." Around this time Hilsong had a song out called "Hosanna" and it happened to be playing on the computer at one point during the night's events. I kept playing it over and over. Praising God for all his blessings, but more importantly calling out hosanna-- please save/ save now to God to save you, Tommy. I needed you to come home more than ever that night. I prayed that He would save you. I was flat on my face praying for you over and over and trying to trust that He would bring you home safe. I cried that whole night. I can't explain the emense amount of relief when I saw your headlights in the drive way. He did save you that night. It took you 8 anxiety pills to calm you down enough to bring you home, but really it was God. We drove to DC the next morning for our final family vacation for the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. The events of that night and calling the police is what set the stage for "The End."

Fast forward to a little over a month ago. I'm going to this church and they had a night of worship and one of the songs they played was Hosanna by Hilsong. The woman's voice who sang it was haunting. It was amazing and hearing it for the first time since probably you died, was emotional and I cried a bit. I played that song maybe 70 times in the next few days. At first it was a song that brought back pain and hurt, but somehow over those few days the song became one of healing and peace. I looked at it differently. I didn't feel like God had let me down by letting you die. I felt like God had saved you for 5 more weeks. He gave us an amazing gift by allowing you to come home that night. He did save you and in those 5 weeks you and I had some moments of healing and restoration and love that I will forever cherish. I will always wish and want you here with us, but I am trying to be thankful for what I call the "extra time" with you that I didn't believe we would have that night.

I guess this tattoo stands as a reminder to me what was given to us and what could have been that night as well as a reminder that God does save. It may not always be everything we want and ask for, but sometimes it's more than we think we'll get. I'm still on shaky ground with God, but I feel closer than I have since your death. I miss you and love you and so do our babies.

Love always and forever,
Katie

I saw a guy

2011-01-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

So I saw a guy the other night that looks just like from the profile. I think it was mostly his lips and nose that stopped me in my tracks. God it hurt to see him. He had blue eyes though and seeing them helped-- a little-- to not bawl my eyes out. My heart sank and I wanted you so badly. As we were leaving I said to Jena "What do you do when you see a complete stranger and all you want to do is run up and kiss him because he looks just like your husband?" She replied with "Um, you made the right decision by walking away." I'm sure that is true, haha. I wish I could kiss you again.

Miss you and Love you!
~Katie

Wake Up Call?

2011-01-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ok so after all that happened last night and then having a good conversation with someone dear to my heart today, I know I really need to get myself together. So, that is what I'm going to do.

2011-01-16T17:53:00.001-08:00

26+ for you... How many for me???? Then pain was supposed to get better. Not worse. I screw everything up. Nothing is left.... Sorry....

Poem

2011-01-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote this years ago when a guy I grew up with killed himself. It was the first time I had ever dealt with suicide and it was hard even though we weren't close. I didn't know how to deal with it and was constantly dreaming about him. I came across it today and put your name where his was. I've had many dreams about you and you didn't seem to know that you were gone in the beginning (I didn't either in a lot of those dreams which made it so much harder when I'd wake up thinking you were there).

you stand there smiling, gazing at me
i know that your gone, but how can that be
it happens when i'm sleeping, i know that it's you
you tell me you're alive, but i know it's not true
i wish that it were, then the pain would go away
for everyone to have you for just one more day
i don't believe that you wanted to die
now you're trying to reach out, but i do not know why
am i the one bringing you here
or can somehow i help you end your tears
what can i say, what can i do
tommy please tell me, i'll do it for you

2011-01-13T13:12:00.001-08:00

"Untitled" Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Guilty as Charged

2011-01-13T12:54:00.000-08:00

This guilt is really getting to me. And I don't like the person it's turning me into. I cant' seem to get a handle on it. I feel so much guilt for your death and fear of what our children will think of me when they are older and start blaming me, too. I never meant for any of this to happen. I can't seem to forgive myself. It's really eating at me right now. All of it is. The role I played in your death and everything I've done since. I should be acting perfectly, but I just went downward. I need strength and forgiveness, but I can't allow it for myself for some reason. Maybe because I don't feel I deserve it? But what about what I'm doing to those around me? They don't deserve the crap I've been dealing out. I wish I could get it together.

8 months, 2 days

2011-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry Tommy. I miss you. I love you.

Katie

Waiting For The End lyrics

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
(Oh!)I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/linkin-park-lyrics/waiting-for-the-end-lyrics.html]
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

2011 A New Year Full Of...

2011-01-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

We are 6 days into the new year and let me just say that it seems to get worse and worse everyday. Indirectly it's because of you Thomas... oh yeah I just used it so you know I'm mad! Well, actually some of it is really directly because of you-- nothing in my life would be as it is if it weren't for you and your death.

I thought I had found some happiness and some peace, but it's not looking so good now. It's just one more thing I've lost-- oh and I got a phone call today that in some ways I suspected for months I would get, but really hoped I was wrong. I told the person I was too angry to talk right then and I'd have to call them back.

To tell you the truth Thomas, I hate you for this one. I really truly HATE YOU for causing this situation. It's not like I haven't played a big part in it since you died, but it was your death that did it and I told you the day before that you were going to cause damage if you killed yourself. Your response was ridiculous and messed up. You hurt so many people by taking your life. Most importantly was our children.
I HATE YOU for that!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone made the comment that your death was a gift that will continue to give forever and obviously not in a good way. I wish you were alive so I could yell at you, though I may never stop and I kind of want to throw something at you too right now! I haven't been this angry at you before over your death, but today I can't stop the feeling. I am sitting here right now trying to figure out what the right thing and the best thing to do for everyone is and I just can't seem to figure it out.

I want the right answers and I want happiness for the kids and for me. That is what I want this year and so far it's so not looking good!

2010-12-22T17:33:00.001-08:00

I miss you so much, Tommy!

My Random 3AM Post

2010-12-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

Tommy,

Well, what can I say? December has been here for a moment and next week will be busy. Last Christmas I was sick and you had to make dinner. I couldn't even sit at the table with you, which makes me sad now. It was great though when I looked over and saw you and the kids together. They are amazing children. I was back home the other day and Avery was acting up so I yelled at her. She started crying for Daddy. "I want my Daddy" over and over again. She has never done that before. It made my heart break.

I was talking to a friend about how I'm in denial and while maybe it's not totally healthy, it works for me. They did our story as a segment on a documentary on E! on military wives. They had to cut a lot of it out because they were threatened with legal action otherwise. Nothing was allowed to be said about you even being on base let alone talking about your command or the doctors or how it all played out that day.
So, I know you didn't want me to move (the whole broken glass bowl in the middle of the night incident), but I did. My location was influenced by wrong motives and I think that you were trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I happy there. The other night I was crying. It was the night that it all started to unravel. I wasn't crying because things were unraveling, but because I realized that I didn't listen to you enough while you were alive and even after you died you tried to warn me, but I STILL didn't listen to you. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened more and here I was thinking I knew better, but I was wrong. (Now let's be honest, you were wrong lots of times, too, but I didn't listen nearly as much as I should). You'd tell me I was listening to the wrong people and sometimes I did and others I didn't. I found myself in a similar situation again. This time, though, I am finally learning my lesson (yay for whoever get's to deal with me next, haha).

I'm starting to realize that my focus has been blurred. It's not so much of an issue anymore, but it all happened for a reason. I have to stop being selfish now and stop focusing on me and what is making me temporarily happy. That happiness isn't lasting anyway, but I sure as hell needed it while I had it. It's time for me to start figuring ME out and life for our kids.

I got some good advice this past week while back home (our home, back home). I realize that it's time to change my focus. I've been hoping that something external would come in and fix things, but it's me who has to fix it and then that certain type of happiness I've been clinging to will come on its own. It's like I've been working from the outside in, but I need to work from the inside out. It may hurt and it may be lonely and hard trying to fix it all, but it's what I have to do.

Love,
Katie

A Different Place

2010-11-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Tommy,

I'm not at our house, as you know. You told me not to move my last night there. I didn't get a clear answer as to why, but I know you did-- the glass bowl breaking in the middle of the night and what you said were quite clear. I have to say, though, that being out of that town has been like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I needed to get out to be able to clear my head and start to look towards the future. I was stuck. I couldn't breathe. There was no hope, no light that was going to guide me to where my life needs to be. I feel so much better now. I'm getting settled in the new house. I have things here that remind me of you, but they are put up so that I don't focus on them daily. I want you close-- always, but in a different way now. Don't get me wrong, you know I love you and miss you more than words can describe; I just need to accept that there is still life to live and happiness that is designed for me.

There were certain events that lead me to where I am right now (obviously the first was your passing, but after that, there were several others, too). Jena calls one my "nudge" and perhaps she's right, but everything else had to work out just-so in order for it to all play out the way it did. I don't count on anything lasting in life (even the bad, but except the sad, though that changes, too). But no matter what got me here (some things in the process were "good" while others weren't so much), I'm glad I am here now. I feel alive again. I've felt peace since I got here, and we know that I rarely feel true peace in my life. I felt peace when I made the decision to come here and everything since. There is something bigger in the works for me here. I can see this being my "forever place" or at least the general area. Maybe it's not forever, but it's definitely for-right-now. Living here just feels without a doubt in my mind, RIGHT! It's the first thing that has felt that way in a long time. I guess how long I stay ultimately depends on where life takes me.

It's strange to me how life works out sometimes. You know, those little moments or those seemingly little decisions that we make that turn out to be the catalyst to grand changes in our lives. The people we meet, the things, we do, the lives we end up living, it's all those little things that we neglect to recognize in the moment, but looking back it's so obvious to see how it all played out. I feel like I'm in that place right now. The big event happened already and now it's all the little things that are really influencing where life is about to lead me. It's exciting. I see that again. I feel alive and ready to embrace what is to come (God I pray it's all good for our children and I).

I will be starting my master's classes next week, I want to find a church down here, I want to explore this new town, I want to see what God has planned for me relationship wise-- or at least I think so, haha. Really and truly I want to soak up all the good that life has to offer. I don't know how much is out there (true me being a little synical, but cautious is the word I'm going with), but however much I can get, I want to take. I want to give it, too. I want to be someone who has something great to offer this world and the people in my life. If I'm going to do this thing called "life" I may as well try to find the good in it and enjoy what I can.

I hope and pray that everything that I want to work out does, but I'm trying to be realistic and know that no matter what, I am where I am supposed to be right now and if things don't go according to MY plan it's because God has something even better waiting for me in life! (You know me though, and you know that I'm really rooting for my plans to be God's plans). I am so thankful to have made it to this point in life. I didn't think 6 months ago that I would be able to have this attitude ever again, let alone 6 months after I lost you! A lot of it, well to be honest, most of it and the most significant part has to do with God putting the "nudge" in my life, but there is so much more to it, too... And just between you and me (and everyone else who reads this, haha) I like to think you've played a role in it, too.

Sending you my love,
Katie

2010-11-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

Tommy,

So I'm moving. I am a huge ball of emotions on this one. I don't know how I'll feel when I get to "my" new place. I was talking to a good friend today and she was saying how I should be careful because it may hit me once I'm there that I'm leaving a huge part of my life behind. The past 4 1/2 years have been spent in this town. This is the only place we ever lived together (3 places, though). We bought our first home together here. You wanted that so bad. To me it wasn't a big deal to say that we were "homeowners" but it was to you. You felt accomplished about it. It's sad to walk away from our home, from this town that holds so many memories, it's sad to say I'm starting over without you, but it's just as sad to stay here knowing that you're not here with me.
Wednesday is November 10th which is the Marine Corps Birthday and more importantly 6 months since you died. The tears are streaming down my face right now and Avery knows that when I cry it's because I'm sad about you and she says "My Daddy died... Mommy stop crying." I wish I didn't ever have to cry another tear, but I know that there will always be tears because my heart will always hurt over your death. I can't believe it's been 6 months (well, almost), but wow I have to say it has gone by very fast. It just doesn't seem like it's been half a year. In 2 weeks it'll be 1 year since you came home from Afghanistan. Wow, if I had only known then...

5 MONTHS

2010-10-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

It all started about this time 5 months ago. Can I just tell you how fast it has gone by? None of your deployments ever went this fast. I'm not complaining. Why would I want time to drag on? I still don't believe that you're gone. No, I know that it's real, but I have found that living in denial is the best way for me. I miss you so much everytime I think about you and you not ever being here with the kids and me. I have a hard time looking at our kids- I mean REALLY looking at them and thinking how they don't have their Daddy and how there may never be anyone to really take over that role for them. It's a big role and one that has to be taken seriously. I feel so sad for them. It breaks my heart all the time. It's just not fair that they are so young and missing out on so many happy memories with their Dad. I'm going to do everything I can to make their lives happy and give them a good family life. I just know it won't be easy all the time.

I miss you Thomas. I always will. I am trying to move forward with parts of my life. Life will obviously never be the same, but I do know I can find some happiness in this life. I am trying to look to the future, but I'll never let go of the past. I know there is room for both in my life. I miss your love. I miss hearing those words. I miss that feeling. I think that's what I have come to miss the most over the past 5 months. I know love will be in my life again, of this I am sure. I know that it won't be the same, but I hope it's as good. You will always be in my heart forever and ever.

Katie

Setting the Record Straight:

2010-10-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Note: I have not yet proof read or edited this blog entry, so bare with me and the spelling mistakes.

Ok, this blog is about getting the Facts straight about the 3 articles that have been written on Tom's death. I was fairly pleased, but the latest one kind of had a spin that I was Not too thrilled with. I will start with that one first. But I want to make it clear that I think each reporter did at least a fair job, if not very good. I think that the most important thing is to get the awareness out there and they are taking their time on this making it an issue which I am thankful for. I am just a stickler for details.

The National Journal magazine:
And my quotes are not all totally accurate and his wording on some descriptions are not how I would convey the message, but I'm just going to leave that as a general statement for now.
1. Nathan was not an infant when Tom came home. He was 16 months old.
2. Technically I didn't wrestle the gun away. I attempted to take it, but really who do you think got it? That's why I called the police and they went looking for him when he took off.
3. (He basically go this part right, but I just want to clarify my stance on it). I believe that Tom's suicide was caused by the war and how his lack of coping skills compounded with the lack of care and ill perscribed medications. I believe that the medicaiton was what sent Tom spinning out of control and started the downward spiral. Maybe I should say that it rapidly accelerated what was there and made the thoughts of suicide predominent. He was right in that the meds played a part. I also think that to some extent medication is very much needed if it's handled right.
4. ***It was NOT MarSOC that told Tom he had to stop taking his medication. It was 5/10 (And for the record, I HATED his command there at 5/10 and only have negative feeling towards 1 person in the MarSOC command). MarSOC had NO idea that Tom had any "issues" except for the doctors at MarSOC, not his command themselves.
5. Tom gave up a few guns on his own in March, but when he signed them out and the "Easter incident" as I call it happened and they found out the guns were at home they came to get the guns again.
6. It was Tom's civilian doctor's at Deplyment Health under NHCL that I spoke with and dealt with. Don't get me wrong, though, there is one doctor at MarSOC that I think is an idiot and hindered Tom getting adequate help, but do to the fact that I don't want to get called on for slander I will leave his name out. Though I have never met the man I have heard enough about this man that it's safe for me to have a fair opinion on how he is Not helping the problem for men with PTSD.
7. Kind of goes with #6 that it wasn't miliraty personel that I spoke with and tried getting Tom help.
8. I called to warn his psychologist that Tom had a gun BEFORE all this happened, not after Tom called me. I did call her and I asked her what was going on and how he got the gun. I wanted answers at that point and I was terrified!
9. The quote "The command could have done more." Is accurate, but in my opinion it's misplaced. I think certain people in his command should have done more and his Gunny should NOT have said some things that he said, but let me state that some people in his command really and truly wanted to help Tom. I feel that his command, his doctors, and me most of all let Tom down.
10. (This one is not in order I just rememeber it). Itn't 2 Marines that showed up it was a Marine and a Chaplin

As for the Jacksonville Daily News article:
1. I didn't know there was a suicide on base until they showed up at my house. I thought he was alive because that's what I was told, but something didn't feel right. I didn't find out on Mya 11th. They showed up on May 10th. Not a huge deal, but want there to be clarification.

And for the Salon.com article:
1. He said it was February that his guns were taken, but it was really March.
2. It's not that it was not factual, I just kind of didn't like the use of the quote about Tom's tattoo. I think there was much more to it, but did he feel dishonorable? Yes. But there is so much more to it. I did in fact randomly say that during the interview, though.

This Is How IT Happened... It Started Long Before It Ended

2010-09-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

This is a work in progress. I will be coming back and editing it along the way, but this is my start point. There are so many more details to add, but this is what I needed to do for me today with me being 4 months out on Friday. This is how it happened. This is my short version, lol... (And I have not yet proof read or edited it, so please bare with me).

I suppose I should start from the beginning, but I'll make the 3 year prelude to the end as short as possible. Tom and I married in 2005 and had our first child the same year. Tom went to Iraq in 2006/2007 and got a TBI (Tramatic Brain Injury) while there from one of the IED's that hit his humvee. When he came home he began to suffer with really bad PTSD. It was a rough deployment for everyone. I have not talked to any of the guys or wives from that deployment that did not come back very different. After I contacted his command, Tom began getting help for his PTSD. There were so many struggles with him internally and within our marriage because of who he came back as. I have said since he came home from that deployment that 'The man I married died in Iraq and I didn't know the man who came back in his place.' We had another baby after a little while after that deployment and did all we could to keep our family together. I won't lie, it was hard.

Tom really wanted into MarSOC, so he acted like he was better. He was not. He went to Afghanistan in 2009 as a replacement for an injured Marine. He left in June and came home in a few days before Thanksgiving. Little did I know that we only had 6 months left. Oh, what I would have done differently. I described him after he came home as 'human' again and I'm afraid that it was this humanness that he could not handle. He felt deeper and harder than before. He was so cold and shut off to the world after Iraq, but his heart had opened back up.

A friend of his died while over there, and I know he felt survivor's guilt as it was originally Tom's name on the list for that convoy. The command needed Nick because of his job and pulled Tom off, but Tom struggled with this. I didn't know the details until after Tom died. All I knew was that it was significantly devestating to him to lose a friend. He finally started seeking help again.

We still had problems in our marriage because I couldn't see that he changed for the better-- at least not for a few months. I still had my wall up from all of the pain before, but the love was always there and that was what kept me holding on.

It took me some time, but I realized who he was and I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the struggle he was facing and it scared me. He had begun the process to get out on Medical Retiement, but it takes too long. He was told 3-7 months. And the day he heard that he told me he didn't have 3 months. He couldn't make it 3 more months. And he turned out to be right. I realized that the man who possesed such an emense amount of self control was losing it rapidly. There were threats of suicide, but it wasn't until he pulled the gun out and put it to his head with the gun cocked that I saw this was spiraling. The second time I called the police. His command got involved. I turned to them and his psychiatrist. Not enough was done within enough time. I feel there were many people who could have done more to help Tom and save his life, but really that is a long and tragic story in itself.

I will bring you to Mother's Day-- the day before he died. What happened that morning doesn't matter right now, but the events of that morning set him off and no matter what happened a swtich was flipped and it became very apparent that this was the end. I knew we were close and I was trying to get him help, but I didn't realize how close it was until that day. I spent the whole day trying to change things and trying to convince him not to take his life. I took 2 guns away from him (which he was not supposed to have). There were 2 other guns that I forgot about (one of which I thought didn't work, so I kind of put it out of my mind) and when he told me not to even try to take those I looked at him and said "There is no way I can stop you from doing this, is there?" He looked back at me and said "No."

A few hours later he told me he wanted to go for a drive. Something that was common when things were upsetting to him. I asked if he was coming back and how long he'd be gone. He said he'd be gone just a few hours. He hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me. He walked out the door and popped his head back inside and told the kids he loved them, too. It seemed odd, but after the day we had and the fact he said he was coming home and that I didn't think he had a gun I just let him go. A few minutes later I got a text that said he loved me and the kids.

I paniced. That was not like Tom at all to mention the kids, too especially after he just told us he loved us.
I started to call and text and ask him to come home. I knew what he left to do. I begged him to come and get me. I told him he shouldn't be alone when he dies. His Mom called me and I knew it was bad since he rarely ever called his parents. I Finally got him to agree to come get me. My friend came over to watch the kids. We went driving around, went to O'Charley's for a quick bite to eat, and eventually I told him he needed to take me home because one of us needed to be alive for our kids. I could tell by his driving that he had taken too many pills. He was all over the place and told me he tried to overdose and waved the gun around saying how that was for in case the pills didn't work.

He said no one cared and no one was listening to him and trying to help him. He was tired and didn't want to hurt anymore. I barely got him to come back in the house with me. I told him that we would pay out of pocket and get him help off base since the doctors on base weren't helping him. He agreed to come in after I said that. That night he told me how much he hated himself and how he'd done what he was meant to do in life-- serve his country and help bring Nathan and Avery into the world. He said that now it was time for him to step back and let another man take over his family. It didn't matter how much I told him we loved him and needed him and how no one could ever take his place. He wasn't hearing it. He was in too much pain.

I knew I had to call his psychologist the next day and that he needed in-patient. I also knew that there was still a gun in his truck. I wasn't sure what to do, but felt that if I didn't try and he killed himself I would never be able to forgive myself, so I made the choice to call. When I called his psychologist I told her about the gun and that he would say and do ANYTHING to get out of her office and if he did he WOULD kill himself!! She said she agreed as they had been talking about suicide for a while. I told her he'd say he needed to go smoke or get fresh air-- anythign to get out. He did ask to go smoke, but it didn't work, so when he saw his chance and a clear shot out the door he took it. He was chased and a group of 6 Marines and Sailors, but they couldn't stop him. He got to the truck and pulled the gun. He drove off and called me. He was crying and hysterical. He told me he pulled a gun on someone and said "I love you and I don't think I'm ever going to see you again." I screamed and told him no and that I loved him, too. I don't know if he heard me. I looked at my phone and saw that he had hung up. Come to find out the MP's were pulling him over at that moment. He got out of the truck and moments later he shot himself.

After his phone call at 1:04PM I called his psychologist and she said he was ok. She said "The MP's secured him and he's on his way to the hospital." I asked how they secured him and if he was shot. She said, "Katie, he's alive. The fact that you told me about the gun saved his life." It didn't settle right with me, but she said "alive." My Mom kept telling me to call or go to the hospital to check. I said I'd wait until the next day. It didn't sit right with her. Maybe I didn't want to know, maybe I wanted to believe our life was FINALLY going to get better because Tom was FINALLY going to ge the help he needed.

At 3:45 an unmarked County Sheriff car pulled into my drive way. It was odd and I walked outside. He had the wrong address and when I came inside and broke down crying. For a moment my heart sank. I thought he was there to tell me something about Tom, even though it didn't make sense. My 4 year old asked why I was crying and I told him I was happy. I thought to mysel, 'Thank you God that he is ok.' It was about 15 minutes later that the doorbell rang. I looked out the window and saw the government vehicle in my drive way. I figured it was just to ask questions about what happened earlier in the day with Tom pulling a gun, but then I opened my door.

I walked outside and closed the door behind me. I knew it was bad. No one shows up in those uniforms unless it's bad. Since we had been through 2 war deployments I had played this moment over in my head-- what would it be like if they knocked on my door. How would I react? I never wanted to find out, but that is what happened. I walked past them and asked if he was dead. The CACO asked if I was Katherine Murray (my maiden name). I said "Is he dead?" He asked again. I said "It's Bagosy" and fell to the ground. The only words I heard on my way down were "We regret to inform you..." I asked how it happened. Did he do it himself? The answer was Yes. But how? She told me he was alive, how did it happen? Why did she tell me he was alive. The Chaplin was sitting on the ground with me and said he didn't know. All my neighbors had rushed over by this point and ran inside to take care of my babies for me. It didn't make sense. It wasn't real. I didn't cry yet. I was in shock. The tears came, oh did they ever, and they still do. They always will. Things in our life were on the road to getting better. How was it that we were on the cusp of getting our life, our family to the place we had struggled for so long and somehow it was all over-- forever?
He couldn't hold on, I know that. It got to be too much for him, but still, I am left with this 'new life' that I don't want to nor do I know how to deal with.

I miss him. Every. Single. Day. I love him with all my heart and wish I could have done things differently. But I am here embarking on this new life, trusting he is watching over our babies and me and guiding us as we face this alone.

Avery's Hurting Too

2010-09-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so out of nowhere tonight while Avery was in the kitchen she puts her hand on her eye like she was holding back tears and said "I lost my Daddy." She looked so sad, and she has never used those words before. We weren't talking about you or anything and there she is, telling me she lost you. I was on my way to the front door at that moment to call my Mom and she said got up and said "Let's go get him!" I told her that we can't, and for the next 20 minutes or so we talked on and off about you. Mostly she was telling me "I miss Daddy... Daddy's dead... I'm sad..." She kept burrying her face and walking around with her head down. My heart breaks for her and I have to say that it has opened the flood gates for me tonight. It's interesting to me how I can be ok for days and not cry, and then something happens and it's like I make up for it with the amount of tears. I think I'm getting about 1 Big cry in a week and tonight was it for me.

Again, I was thinking of her birthday since I was talking to my Mom about planning her party. I know this sounds horrible, but it would be so much easier to skip her birthday and all the rest of the holidays this year for that matter. Of course I won't even attempt that, but it would make it easier on me. It's those days that are the worst. I think Your birthday was one of the worst for me. Avery's birthday is eating at me. I can not even imagine what Nathan's will do to me. I Hate the thought! I am sure it hurts more for the kids than myself on those special days. I can't take their pain away and I hate to see my babies in pain. I didn't really realize how deeply it was effecting Avery until tonight. My Mom had a theory as to what sparked it and she may be right. But the point is that now I realize that she gets it more than I thought she did.

You know she keeps asking for Pop-pop ALL the time. She misses my Dad so much. I think she gets that he's still around and you're not (as much as she can). I remember how she started calling him 'Daddy' right away, even before anything was mentioned about you not being alive. I also remember the look on my Dad's face the first time I heard her say it. I wasn't bothered by it (and soon after she started callign all females 'Mommy'), but my Dad look so worried about how I'd react. She was 19 months, what can you day? She tells me constantly that she wants to go to "Del-bah-wares" too. I assume it's because Pop-pop and Nathan are there.

Well, today is Labor Day. Not like it's any special holiday, but it is a long weekend for the Marine's and I'm sitting here thinking of this weekend and what I did and who I hung out with and how different it would have been if you were alive. I'm wondering what we would have done this weekend and in the past almost 4 months. Yup, Friday will be 4 months since you died. It's crazy to think like that, but I still just wonder what life would have turn out to be like. I was rocking Avery tonight thinking of that and a lot of other things, too. I obviously miss you, that goes with out say. I'm just glad that life isn't as bad as it could be right now. I didn't expect any good to be in my life this soon after you died, and yet here it is. Life is so imensely bitter-sweet lately.

Love you forever Tom! That is the one thing that will never die. And yes, I saw you the other morning and it was such a peaceful experience. It's comforting to know you are watching out for us. We all love you and miss you, forever!

September Already?

2010-09-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

So there is a picture on my blog page that is of you when right before you got on the bus to go hop on your plane to Iraq. It was September 2006-- 4 years ago. You were 22. Even now I will say how that was one of the most difficult days I have ever faced in my life. I was hysterical-- yes I was the wife who could not hold it together. I was so upset that one wife took Nathan out of my arms and another came over to hug and console me. It was your second deployment (first war), and honestly more than I thought I could bare. I was depressed for the first 2 months and went home to Delaware for a while which made it better, at least as much as possible. But that night was horrid. Watching you leave not knowing if I'd ever see you or hold you again? Wow, talk about feeling helpless and terrrified!
The Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" reminds me of that deployment. It was the longest September.

You know that picture is still around and now it's basically been passed on to Avery, though it will always hold a special place with Nathan and I as it has been a staple of our decore since then. I could write a whole blog about that picture alone. Maybe one day, but it's too depressing. I have always seen that picture and felt that you looked like you were saying goodbye, as in goodbye forever. I said that to Jena after you died and she said she could see it, too. I hate looking at it now because of that, because I do feel like it's your goodbye somehow.

September is hard for me now in other ways. Avery will be 2 this month. She will have never had the opportunity to spend a single birthday with her Daddy, as last year you were in Afghanistan. You missed Nathan's first birthday, too, but you sent him a Vermont Teddy Bear, which he has since passed onto Avery to keep her company at night since he has Sam. I'm sure one day he'll want it back. He is such a sweet and loving person and a wonderful big brother. I asked you to send Avery a Vermont Teddy Bear for her first birthday. I thought it would be really nice for her to have one, too. You agreed and sent one. I'm really glad they have those special things to hold on to.

I wish you were here. They need you so much, Tommy. We all do. I hate that there will never be another birthday or holiday without you. I think this time of year is going to be exceptionally dificult this year. Well, ok I already know it will be. Everyone knows that. I just hope I can hold it together for the kids's sake.

You know today Avery was playing with the sheep! Oh man, did that make me smile and then cry. She hasn't played with that thing in forever and there she was and wanting to take it to bed, too. That is one of those funny things that only we would find as amusing as it is. Mmmaaa!!

Miss you,
Katie

August 18th

2010-08-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why the past couple of weeks I have kept thinking about this date, August 18th, where I was last year and where exactly I'd be this year. I think it's because I found the CD that had "August 18, 2009" written on it. It is filled with the pictures that Beth did last summer of the kids and me. I guess when I came across it I started to think about where I was in my life last year on that day and how much life has changed.

Here's a huge look into my personal life and where this past year has brought me. As of August 7th last year we decided to get a divorce. I was finally done with the back and forth dance we had been playing and when you said divorce (over something so stupid) I said fine. I didn't fight. I was done. I get that you were in the middle of a war and couldn't deal with anything even the dumb little thing that sparked it all, but I was so ready to give up. I thought that was it, but a few weeks later you told me how half of your life was miserable and the other half was over and didn't matter without me. The conversations we had made me terrified that you would follow through with your threats to never come home from Afghanistan. I promised you anything and everything and told you how much I loved you and couldn't live without you. I never lied about how much I loved you, I still do, and always will. The love wasn't the problem-- it was everything else.

Well, anyway, back to August 18th. Beth came to my Mom's house and set things up to take the photos. Avery LOVED the camera and posed which was hilarious since she was 11 months old. Nathan was a different story. He did Not want to take pictures. Beth told him that it was a trick they were playing on me and he finally cooperated with taking them. They turned out so darn cute! I hadn't planned on being in the pictures, but I went ahead and did a few. I remember thinking that was how it would be from then on-- just me and the kids taking "family" pictures. It just didn't feel right. it was so sad. We had never had a family picture done of all 4 of us.

Then like I said, you took back wanting a divorce and we decided to work things out. It was a struggle for me from then on, not because I wasn't sure if I loved you (though sometimes I tried to convince myself that I didn't), but because I could feel something bad was coming and I just couldn't shake that feeling. I was trying to protect and prepare myself for whatever was coming, though nothing could have prepared me for this reality. You came home and you were so much different-- better, human again. Things changed and I don't want to go through it all right now, but it didn't turn out the way I thought, hoped, or planned. Life happened. It was somewhat unexpected. For others I'm sure it was completely unexpected, but they didn't live with you. They didn't know you on the level I did. Still, I always thought 'He won't ACTUALLY do it. He would Never go THAT far.' I didn't want to believe it, though I've always known that possibility with you.

So anyway, 3 months ago you died, 6 weeks ago yesterday we burried you. Everyone said that closure woudn't being until after your burial. I get that now. And now? Now life has just totally thrown me for another tail spin, but this time I don't feel trapped in the rip current. I feel like somehow I'm about to ride the wave (not quite there yet, though). Today our son and I had a great day together having some much needed and over due "You and Me Time" as we call it. We went to Chuch E Cheese, got lunch from Red Robin and brought it home to put his new lego set together. (Oh by the way, Thomas, we eat in the living room now-- yes OCD Katie totally allows that AND shoes on the carpet, too-- for now). We had such a good day, though he started to ask some hard questions that broke my heart to answer. I love that little boy more than Anything and it kills me to know that he has ever felt a moment of pain in his beautiful little life. I wish I could wrap him in my arms and sheild him from everything bad in this world. I wish that he truly knew just how much I love him and that was all he needed in life to take away his pain. Wouldn't that be nice?If love could totally erase pain. How much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

I just sit here tonight and think about how different my life has become in the past year. All the different people who are in it right now versus last year. The direction that I thought my life was taking on this day last year and how vastly wrong I was. I couldn't even begin to tell you where it is headed now. I have given up on trying to figure out my future, well ok to some extent. I mean I have plans, but I know that any moment can come along and totally blow those plans out of the water. So I'm just living. I am one of those people who needs to feel in control of their own life, but I'm kind of ok with not trying to control everything in my life (or at least I'm learning).

Right now I have several paths in front of me. Different adventures that I am embarking on. I am here waiting, really. I mean I see certain things that I want and directions that I'd like my life to take, but I'm not going out of my way to try to figure out what will or should happen. I just assume that it will all play out and I just need to be patient and see what God has in store for my life. I suppose I'm trying to approach life a little differently these days seeing as though it didn't always go so well the other way.

Eat Pray Love

2010-08-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

I went to see "Eat Pray Love" last night and it has the wheels in my mind turning even more than before. Since you died, Tom, I have just wanted to pack up and move away, start over somewhere and not tell anyone where I am. Yup. That is what I want to do. Problem is the kids. I do not have the option to just run and hide from all of the world. It sucks! It's not even that I want to hide form the world, I just want to experience the world. I want to live it in a totally different way.

Italy. That was the first place she went on her trip. It's the place I've been talking about going since the beginning. I am just consumed with the thought. I have contemplated going on my own, but since I don't know the language I have advised myself against it. So it's obviously not just like the movie, but I still just want to go so desperately. I can go somewhere else on my own where I can understand them. So, then it comes down to who will go with me and when. That is the next thing I am figuring out. A friend told me to wait until the spring and then they'd be able to go. But do I wait? Really, I'm not sure. I don't really want to wait that long for Italy and it's not a guarantee anyway. Part of me thinks 'Just Go, Katie! Just go on your own.' I am a big girl. I can handle it. But I do think it would be more exciting to go with another person. So...

Then where do I go now? I need to get away. Away from Jacksonville. Away from North Carolina. I need to go. Ok, I am feeling brave so I am going to share my secret here and make it so public that I can no longer hold this excuse to anyone. I don't want to be here, BUT I am so tired of people telling me to go back home to Delaware that I have used this house as my crutch for not leaving. Truth be told, I would have to rent it out and I have no desire to do that Or I could sell it and lose several thousands of dollars, which by-the-way I am Not Ok with. So, what are my options? I have too many to choose from right now, which means that I will just stay put for the time being until something tells me "it's time to move." I am ready for a sign, but I don't think there is one on its way just yet.

I told someone last night that my plan is to be here for 2 years because that is when the house won't cost me money and when I should be done my Master's and getting a job. I know that 2 years is a very long time and hopefully something will get me to where I need to be before that. But it's nice to have options and not have to decide right now. I can basically do anything I want really, which is funny since I talk all the time about how much I hate having to make decisions (then again I don't actually Have to, I just Can). I want out of this house though, for several reasons. I suppose that is why I just want to travel so much right now. Little trips, big trips, it doesn't matter.

Mike and I decided that we need to sit down and have a talk and I offered to drive up there just for that. I mean really, what is 8 hours right now? No big deal. I'll go for a day or 2. Not much else to do with my life right now? Well, after that little trip, then what? I want to do something and go somewhere Big! Even if it's Florida to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (Haha Rachel!). You know I've never been to Florida. We were supposed to do that this summer (Thanks, Tom. Ha-ha?). I just feel like I need to be on the move for a while. I'd love to take Nathan and do something fun with him like that, but I don't think I have enough time to plan it before school starts. I am taking the kids to Midevil Times soon. Nathan still talks about going there (your Mom mentioned that, too). And yes, I said KIDS. I am super duper crazy, but I have no one to watch Avery and I told Nathan we'd go and really I think it's something he needs. He doesn't think we (him, Avery, and I) are a family without you and that breaks my heart. He doesn't think we can do all the fun things anymore, so I want to take him somewhere that we had good memories from and show him that we are a family and we can still have fun. I want to bring him somewhere that we have already been to create additional memories in a new way.

I want to do things with Nathan, but I want to do things on my own right now too. I have no idea what the next year will bring-- I don't even know what the next week will bring, but I don't want to pass anything up. If it matters, I must do it. And right now there are a lot of things that matter to me. Now, if I could just figure out which ones to do first, lol. Maybe I have so many things to do and places I want to visit because I can't get out of this town "forever" right now, but I really just need to escape. I think there is more to it, though.

I need to find me. I know that sounds selfish since I have 2 amazing kids, and I want and will be here for them the best I can, but if anyone knows what the past few years have been like for me, I think they'd understand that where I am at is not where I should be. I should've done things different, but here we are. I pretty much know who I am and what I want, I just have a little missing link on how to get there. That is the part I need to figure out before I can end this selfish phase I am in. I am enjoying the sense of freedom I have, but there really is some Thing that is missing still. And while I search for it I am going to live this life and enjoy all the good it brings to me. I have so much good to give back and want to share it all with everyone, I just am so thankful that right now I have some of it for myself.

Rocking Chairs

2010-08-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Tommy,

Well tonight I spent some times sitting on our porch in the rocking chairs that I Finally bought the other day. That was one thing I said I Really wanted when we moved in here and you agreed. It was lonely a little and sad. I haven't been crying a whole lot lately, but I did while I was out there. I kept thinking about what it would be like to have you sitting there next to me. What would we talk about? Would you actually sit there and have a deep conversation about life, us, the kids, anything? Would you sit there and appreciate the stars with me? Would we just sit there in silence and enjoy each others company?

I keep picturing you in Savannah sitting on the balcony at the B&B we stayed in. You had your plaid shirt on, feet up, and smoking a cigarette. I guess that is how I picture you here (and with a beer in your hand of course, lol). I keep wondering about all the what-ifs and should-be's. I wanted to look over next to me and see your face. I wanted to turn to you and ask you for your opinion. I need your advice on something (well, lots of things, but tonight specifically one thing). Probably on something that seems ridiculous in many ways, but none-the-less You are the one person whose opinion would matter most on this issue. I wish it was like you could still send me messages somehow and tell me what is going on, what I'm missing, what I should be doing, which direction I am supposed to go in, etc. I did ask for a sign and sorta got one, but I'm not convinced. Can I have another one, lol?

I looked over at your vehicles while I was sitting there and tonight it was hard to look at them. I've been so mad and frustrated with you. I want to know where the vehicle titles are so I can get things taken care of much easier. I spent the whole day trying to get things done and I am not much closer. I just want to call you and ask you where things are. I want to call you and just hear your voice. I want to talk to you and most importantly, I want to put my arms around you. I miss your hugs. Somehow I'd get lost in them and I could stay like that forever. I miss how safe I felt in your arms. How the rest of the world would disappear when we were together and it was just us.

I just really miss you tonight and want you with me. I wanted to sit out there on our porch, at our house, and know what that was like. There are so many things that 'I just wish I knew' what it would be like. Would the little moments in life turn out to be as great as I imagine them to be in my head or would they fall short? I guess it doesn't matter because I'll never know. But tonight... I just wish...

I love you and miss you!
Katie

3 Months Out

2010-08-10T04:52:00.000-07:00

Today marks 3 months. It was a Monday (yesterday was Monday) that you died, but it was May 10th and today is August 10th. It's strange to think about everything that has happened in the past 3 months. It's gone by fairly quickly. I used to sit there and torture myself reliving the moments that my CACO and the Chaplin showed up, but now I really try not to. I'm sure I'll be reliving it again today. I did a little yesterday, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it. I haven't had a good cry in probably over a week. Maybe I'll allow that for myself today.

I have decided that I am going to pack up a lot of your stuff. I wanted to do that from the very beginning, but didn't do it for the kids (mostly Nathan). Since he's not here right now I think I'll go ahead and do it. For me it's easier to not look everywhere I turn and see memories of you.
I want to keep your memory alive for the kids-- especially Nathan. But with Avery, I hate to say this, I think it may be better for her not to focus on you. She is so young and doesn't understand. It's not that I don't want her to remember you, I really do, but she is so confused. I told her the other day that Nathan was going to be here next week and she said "And Daddy!" She talks about you not being home and that you are outside. I'm not sure why she keeps thinking you are outside, someone said it's because she saw you walk outside that day and you never came back, so that is where she thinks you are. She is always talking to you and dancing for you. The big picture of you from the MarSOC memorial is on the floor against the wall for her to see and she is always over there talking to and about Daddy. It's so bitter sweet, I just don't know what is best for her. I talk about you a lot with her, too and I just don't want her confused and always asking for you. It's not like I'm going to erase you from our house or our lives or our memories, I just don't think it's healthy to keep things like you are still here and coming home any day.

So back to it being 3 months today. I have come a long way in the past 3 months. I mean really, from wishing and praying for God to take my life to where I am today is a huge difference. To tell you the truth, I am surprised at how well I am doing. I didn't think I'd be in 'this' place for a much, much longer time. I still miss you all the time and wish you were here, but I have found happiness in several areas in my life. I've been thinking about what I was doing on June 10th and really I can't tell you. I remember thinking about how "I can't believe it's been 1 month already," but I don't remember the events of the day. I wish I could, but I don't remember a lot in the first 6 weeks. I probably only have about 10 distinctive memories. Month 2 is a different story. I remember that day pretty well. And today, well who knows what today will bring and if I'll remember it next month. (Side note: as I'm writing this Avery is again talking to your picture and blowing kisses).

Well, I guess we'll see what today brings. I have to say that there is a bit of a heaviness today. I love you Tom. No matter what we went through, I can't help but love you forever. You were my first love, the father of our wonderful children, my husband. It's very odd to think about you being dead for 3 months and how I'll never see your beautiful face again. It's really sad and the tears have started. Rest in peace my love.

Your wife,
Katie

Just Processing Some Things

2010-08-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I guess tonight I just want to share with you about the day I had. One of the guys from your unit came over for a little bit to do the whole "check in" on me thing, see how I was, and just catch up a little. It was a good conversation. I actually laughed quite a lot. It was good to talk about you with someone who knew you and worked with you. Avery really took to him. Not that I'm surprised since he was good with her. Nathan liked him a few years back when he met him, too. He remarked about how the last time we saw each other I was in a very differnt place in life and how surprised he was to see how well I'm doing at this stage in my life. I don't know if many people would call me a "positive person" (at least not about my own life), but he picked up on how positive I am right now. That meant a lot to me. I'm trying to put myself in a better place and I'm glad that it's working (to at least some degree).

After he left I went to check the mail. I had a card from someone I met at a new church I went to last week. It was very touching and just what I needed to hear right now. Part of it read: "If I have learned one thing in my life it's that God has a way of bringing people into relationships with one another during some of the most troubling and difficult times of our lives. Often these friendships are only for a season, and sometimes for only one reason. Often times they may lead to lasting friendships and relationships for a lifetime." I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I know you know that because I've talked to you about it.

There are just so many new people in my life right now. I know that some are here to stay and some are here for a short little while, but they are being deeply impactful none-the-less. I think everything happens for a reason. I have always had that mentality. Things don't always happen for the best, but something positive comes out of everything if you allow it and look for it. I would give anything to have you back, that is obvious, but I am just so thankful for the opportunites that have been presented to me. I do not want to miss out on anything that is put in front of me right now. I'm looking forward to starting my Master's and I'm looking forward to December for several reasons. I'm looking forward to making a difference and hopefully one day getting the chance to stand in front of Congress and address the concerns that need to be heard. I don't feel hopeless right now. I do have some reservations, though.

I have had several people say that I think I am ready for things that I really am not ready for. Maybe they are right. Maybe they are wrong. I am ready to take those chances, though and jump in with both feet and see where I land. That is where I am at tonight, looking at my future and evaluating the roads that lay ahead of me. That is the future I see for myself-- not one full of missed opportunities and regrets, but one where I can look back and say that even if things didn't go the way I planned, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. There are a couple of things I referring to specifically, which I know you know about. Tom, I wish I could get your honest opinion on these things such as which I should go for and which will only backfire. But then that takes the excitement out of figuring it out myself and learning the more profound life lessons. Either way I want the chance to live and see what happens. I want to take those off-the-wall chances that I would have never done before because I didn't truly understand just how short life is. I didn't know how many things one person could regret. I don't want anymore regrets.

The guy from your unit and I talked about that today. He said how he never passes on an opportunity (Ok, the context is totally not the same, but the principal is). I know I have held myself back in so many ways in the past and I am tired of doing it. When it came to differnt things in my past I was afraid to fail, so I wouldn't risk it. Why? Then I have to live looking back and wondering "What if...?" That is not the life I want for me and it's not the way I want to raise our children. I want them to learn that you can give all you have to anything or anyone and you may get nothing back. You may fall, get hurt-- physically or emotionally, fail, win, succeed and triumph, but it doesn't matter because the truth is that unless you make the attempt, unless you put yourself out there, unless you put in more than you think you have, you will never be totally satisfied with yourself. Others may view you one way, but what matters most is how you view yourself. If you know you can give more, but don't then I believe you can not totally accomplish anything.

There is nothing in this world to be afraid of as long I know that I did everything I could do and was always true to who I am. If I fail, I will still succeed in learning something great to have for my future.

Ok, so I'm not sure where all that just came from, but I just started to ramble (surprise, surprise) after the conversations I had today/ tonight. It's just me processing it all, but I believe every last bit of it and will claim it as my truth.

Love,
Katie

FOREVER YOUNG

2010-07-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
In a few hours it will be July 24th-- your birthday. You would have been 26, but I sit here right now and think about how you will forever remain 25. You will never get older and watch our children grow into teens and adults. You will never retire and travel around the world with me like we planned.

I sit here and think back to May 9th, Mother's Day. Jena came over tonight and we were talking about that night. I have said before and will say again just how grateful I am to her for giving me one last night with you. I paid close attention to the songs on the radio as we drove around together for the last time. I remembered them all because I knew that you wouldn't be with me much longer and I wanted to have memories of everything that I could hold onto from that last night. Some of them were just normal songs and some of them really struck me as significant. One of those was Jay-Z's version of "Forever Young" and I tired not to cry then and there thinking in that moment that you would always be Forever Young.

I am sobbing at the moment trying to push that pain away. I have found a way to do that lately, but thinking about you and your birthday right now is making it impossible. To think of that night and the following day rips at my soul. If I had done a little more, tried a little harder, if somehow I could change things even now, then you would be here with me tonight and we would be celebrating your birthday tomorrow. The kids aren't with me, but I will be sending you balloons and a note just like we did before and will do every time we want to talk to you. It's probably better without Nathan here tomorrow because I don't know if I could handle this first birthday day while watching your mini-me running around.

I think I'm going to stop by Arlington to see you on Sunday. I miss you so, so much. I love you, Tommy. No matter what my heart is always yours.

Happy Birthday My Love!

Your Wife,
Katie

Learning...

2010-07-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

As per Mike's request... Paragraphs, lol ...

It's strange how some days you feel fine and other days, well... your heart just feels like it's ripping out of your chest all over again. Yesterday was one of those days. It started out great: went to the gym, did some more organizing around the house, relaxed a little, but then... I guess my good day came crashing down for a while.

First of all I started to Finally watch the rest of the Big Love episodes that have been sitting here for 2 months. I thought I could do it. I've been happy lately (yes I did use that word correctly-- happy), so I didn't think anything would bring me down, not even this (note: see blog titled "Big Love" for significance) But no, that was not the case. I got anxious and had to turn it off. I cried a little and then went to check my mail. What did I find? First was some more death certificates. Really? Do I need more of those? Well, Apparently. But that just made me lose it. I also had a card in the mail from my cousin. It was a really sweet card to show me her support and love. Her words were sincere. It made me cry even more. She was very encouraging. As I read it I actually believed I was the woman she described me to be. I hope I am that woman-- the "strong, beautiful, and courageous woman"... "despite the pain and grief." I am trying to be strong.

At first strong was the word that angered me the most, but now I try to embrace it. I have been through some hard things in life just as we all have. I have made it out and keep on pushing. Strong is a word that I try to live by-- that I am choosing to live by. But it still made me sad to think that I have to be strong because of the circumstances I am in. I am working on getting myself past this part and I am on my way. I am becoming a stronger person, but I am not there yet. I still get weak and weary almost daily.

After I read the card I turned on the TV and started watching Family Guy. Of all the shows in the world, I would think that this and That 70's Show would make me cry the most. But no, somehow it was comforting. I felt like Tom was there with me for a little while. He used to quote Family Guy AT LEAST twice a day. And if he ever quoted something I wasn't sure of, my first guess would be Family Guy and I was almost guaranteed to be right. The two episodes that were on were perfectly picked for me. I laughed and talked to Tom about it just as if he was here with me. It was in a way very unsettling, though. Here I am in the flesh and I'm holding a conversation with my husband whom I can't see or hear, but just feel his presence sometimes. (And let me note that "conversation" is probably the wrong term because it was obviously one sided). He made me smile for a little while. I really felt like we were there together; it was so nice.
...I got it Tom, I really got it. The message that you sent with the second episode, I know what you were trying to say. The song. I got it. Thank you, because it meant a lot to me...

Some days are harder than others, I am very well aware of this. I am having more better days than bad days lately and I am so thankful for that. I'll take what I can get while I can get it. Nothing is lasting in this life. Sometimes that is a sad thing, and other times its that hope that "this too shall pass" that gets us through. I am good with where my life is right now. I feel like I'm just living. I don't have to plan or worry or make huge decisions. I can enjoy myself and all that surrounds me.

I am learning more and more about who I am again and what I want in life. I love when something jumps out and just gives me the wisdom I need to hear. It's happened twice today. The first was quote that one of Tom's friend's Mom posted on facebook that I re-posted myself. It said, “If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart. Then in living - I have made my mark.” T.Odem. I would like to believe that I have been that significant in other people's lives from time to time, leaving my mark in a positive way on the world.

The other piece of wisdom I got today was from Big Love... Yes today I can handle it with no tears, go figure. You really never know what or when something will set you off... Anyway, it's nothing too deep, but it kind of goes with a conversation I just recently had with someone who asked me what I want out of life. Well, Margene was talking to a woman and said, "Something like this doesn't happen very often. When you meet someone who makes you feel like a better person, someone who makes you realize that you can be more than who you are. If you ask me, that's love. Sometimes you have to fight for it." I agree that things like that don't happen often, but it's nice when they do. I know exactly what I want from life and this is one of the greater things I am hoping for one day. I'd love to say that I will find everything I want in life-- or maybe better yet, that it will somehow find me. I do not know what life has in store, but I am excited to see where I am in the next 6 months, in the next year. I feel like this "journey" I have been on is going to become an adventure. That in itself is exciting.

A Better Place

2010-07-13T11:47:00.001-07:00

I think God puts people in our lives for a reason. I always have. I think every opportunity to meet someone new or spend time with someone you already know is a chance to learn and grow. Sometimes we don't understand why we meet people and in reality, I don't think we are always supposed to. I think that when we have the privilege to see the results and effects that others have in our lives we are very blessed.
I have contemplated the lessons I have learned from people in my past on multiple occasions. Sometimes I revisit those thoughts and see if there is anything new I can take away from experiences based on where I am "now" in life.

Why am I talking about all this? Well, because I have met a lot of new people in the past two months that I would have never met if May 10th had turned out differently. I have had conversations with some of those new people who said that there are positive things to happen from every situation. I know a few other people have said it, also, but this was a totally unbiased opinion that wasn't directed At Me or Us or Our Life, but made in general.

Today I am happy to be alive. I haven't felt that way in 2 months, but I am. Last week after the burial I started slowly on this new path, but I feel that I am in full swing right now. I am glad that I am still here and I want to live and be happy and enjoy life. I can't control everything, right? But it's what I do with what I am given. The whole 90/10 rule and all. So, it's what I do with the rest that is going to matter as I start to move forward.

I love when I meet people and realize their significance in my life. They may not know it and our chance meetings may not have anything to do with them (or with me for that matter), but it's awesome to see it. It's awesome to see how God places certain people in our lives at just the right moments, whether it be for one conversation or many, there is a reason and a lesson to be learned. There are 2 people I have met recently who have given me some greatness within this darkness I have been living. They are 2 people who are very different and have played different roles in my life, but both significant in their own way. I feel awake and ready to face to the world. I don't want to hide away anymore. I want to embrace life and all the good it has to offer.

I am looking forward to my future right now. I am shocked that I have that feeling right now. I know it could all change and I will have my bad days, and weeks, but as I was reminded last night, happiness is contagious. I want to be happy, I want others around me to be happy. I want to have fun and enjoy life. It was asked of me yesterday at an appointment I had if I have ever been this free. I thought about it and said no. I am and it feels so good. I know that "freedom" is only temporary, as my responsibilities are still here waiting, but it's nice to have a much needed break. I am trying to look for the positives in life and I have found a few, even though I feel horribly guilty to even think that way, I do think of the good that is my life right now. I feel so blessed to be out of that horrid darkness I was in. I know it'll come back, but I'm good right now. Even after the upsetting (to say the least) incident in the truck yesterday, I am feeling good. I am trying to move forward. I know that it will be a long process and my love will always be there and the pain will always be there, but I need to be in a better place than I was just a few short weeks ago. I want to live life like it's an adventure. I talked with someone today who mentioned the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. Most of the time we don't want to or don't' feel we are able to live that way, but that is exactly how I feel I want to live. I want to take those trips we talked about. I want to take the trips that "I" wanted to go on. I want to go places and do and see things that would be fulfilling to me.

I love you Tom, and I know you are always with me. I know that you are telling me to live and that is what I not only have to do, but what I want to do. I hope you stay with me as I begin this new adventure in life. I hope you are happy for me and that I make you proud. I hope that you are shining down on me and I will be thinking of you and carrying you with me every step of the way.

No Section 60

2010-07-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
We laid your body to rest the other day. You are not where I wanted you. I suppose that is because you died here in the states and not in Iraq or Afghanistan. I guess that means that you don't rate to be in Section 60 with all of the other Fallen Heroes who died serving our country on foreign soil. They absolutely deserve to have a special section dedicated just to them. They deserve to be remembered for the sacrifice they and their families paid for this country of ours. I do not take any of that away from them. I think it's an honor to be at Arlington to begin with, and even more so there in Section 60.
But, Tom, those two wars Did take your life. No, not in the same way, and maybe the families of the men who died IN war would disagree with me and say that while you deserve to be in Arlington, you do not deserve to be there with their loved ones. I think you do! I know that suicide has such a stigma and you "chose" to die while they did not, but you didn't want to die. I know that. I know better than anyone how much you wanted to live. I know that you came home from Afghanistan wanting our lives to be happy. We were making lots of plans for this summer and for our future. People who really want to die do not make plans. But you were suffering for 3 years with the wounds that war caused. I know it's not the same to most people, but when you live it for 3 years and watch as the man you married and love slowly slips away, you know it, you understand that it WAS indeed war that took your husband. It WAS war that took you from us, Tommy. You wouldn't have been struggling for so long if you had never joined the Marine Corps or gone to war, but you did. That is what you wanted to do and while sometimes I hated it and wanted out of the military life, and while sometimes I didn't support your decision to re-enlist, I eventually did. I supported you and stood by you through some extremely hard times. I watched what war did to you and to our family. It wasn't pretty and I'm sorry, but I am pissed that you aren't in Section 60.
I told that to Bailey on the way to the airport yesterday and to paraphrase him, he said that you are in good company and that he would be fine being where you are, that it is an honor to be there at all and it doesn't matter where exactly you are. I feel better with him saying that, but not totally. Maybe not really at all. Maybe it wouldn't matter to you, Tommy, but it matters to me. I matters a great deal to me.
It was because of those 2 wars that you fought in that you took your own life and destroyed mine and our kids right along with it. I want people to walk past your grave and remember that you are a casualty of these wars. You gave your life for this country. It's because of your service that I am alone tonight, that our children are fatherless. I want people to know and honor you in the way you deserve. You were a wounded warrior just as much as someone who lost a limb. I know you didn't see it that way. That is why you turned down going to the Wounded Warrior Battalion when given the chance. I am mad and I feel I have every right to be. I am so tempted to pay and have you moved out of Arlington all together. I am sure that I will calm down enough not to go through with it, but that is how I feel. You gave your life for this country just as much as anyone else over there. I want that recognition and honor for you. If you had never joined the Marine Corps, if you had never gone to war, you would be here now. What is the difference? You were hit with multiple IED's in Iraq and thank God you lived through them, but you were still effected by them and everything else over there. You got a TBI from one of the IED's which played a major role in the change in you once you were home. It got to you. Maybe the war didn't kill you immediately, but it still killed you and Section 60 is where you belong.
With Love, Honor, and Respect,
Katie

Small World (Town)

2010-07-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Ok, so of all the guys that came up to me tonight that asked me to dance and I said no to, one of them and I started a conversation. He said I looked lonely and you could tell that unlike the rest of the guys he was just asking to dance to have fun and be nice, not hit on me. So I started talking to him and about a minute into the conversation when I mentioned that you commited suicide, he asked where and I told him. He said he was there! We went outside while he smoked and I asked him what happened. I have thankfully been walked through your last hours, Tom, by those that were there earlier in the day (I am very thankfull that everyone was so willing to do that for me), but I wasn't walked through by those in your last minutes. This guy was nice, but wasn't RIGHT there. He did witness it, though and answered what he could. It was really nice to be able to have an actual picture of what happened. This town is so small and I have heard "through the grape vine" about what happened and have several different versions. This one was a first hand account and it was great to be able to have that perspective. I did have to leave very soon after that because I was ready to be alone and honestly, it totally sobered me up (not that I was that wasted to begin with). I wish I could talk to everyone there that day, but it is good just to hear some people's versions of "it." Thank you, Tommy, because I think I was meant to talk to him tonight. He was the only one I tried to strkie up a conversation with (because I knew he wasn't trying anything). I think you knew that and you knew that I've been Needing some of those answers.

I miss you and love you. Thank you for helping put my mind at rest in some small way. I still have questions, but that really helped.

Love always,
Katie

Things On My Mind

2010-06-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Something has been bothering me lately. I think in the past few days since it's just been Avery and me I have had time to sit there and talk to her and focus on "her" not "the kids," which has allowed me to change some of my wording. For example, I say, "Do you want to be like Mommy and sit at the table like a big girl?" And things of that nature. Then it hit me. She has me, her Mom, her role model, a female to emulate and learn from. Nathan, doesn't have that person anymore. I know I've talked about how he wants a Daddy and he needs that male father figure, but it just struck me that, she has that person in her life and he doesn't. What he learns from me will be based on the female perspective. So who's going to teach him the day to day male things? The things that can't be learned from me or a woman in general? Yeah ok, a female who knows how to change her oil could teach him that, so could our male neighbor, but it's not the same as when it comes from "Dad." It's pretty sad. Even when were up at my Mom's house he wanted to know why we were all girls and he was the only boy there. He needs that, Tom. I've been telling you for a long time that he needs you and you were doing so well with him. And you had so many more plans for the summer with him. It's sad that now he doesn't have that. Thankfully Avery does, but I don't want Nathan to feel left out.

Ok, next on my mind... Avery is so funny. She is just like you and she will Not drink the end of her drinks! Rarely she will (only if she's super tired), but she tells me it's empty and doesn't want it!

Ok, so there is an opportunity to go to Savannah with some other military widows and I'm debating on if I should go or not. If it was anywhere else I'm sure I'd jump at the chance and if it was with YOU I'd also jump at the chance. That was the place we ever got to go away to, just you and me. It was fun. Remember the tornado siren? LOL! Ok, so I'm still laughing about you. Oh and the food was to die for! Everything except Paula Deen's restaurant. That was very disappointing and over priced. But everything else was great! The B&B was great and the owner was awesome. She kept giving you a hard time because you were a picky eater. She was so funny and really nice. We didn't get to do everything we wanted to do, and we said we would go back. It was so nice getting to have that time with you. I'm so glad we had that trip. BUT now I can go back. I can go and maybe do the few things we didn't get done on our first trip. But if I do that then will I really be able to handle it? Will I really enjoy it or will I be stuck crying ever 10 minutes things "When Tom and I were here..." Oh, Tommy, I have that picture of you at the cemetery there and it still haunts me. For some reason it always has. It's crazy, but as much as I love it, it also is kind of eery to me and has been since I saw it. I'm sure no one else would think like that, but it's just one of those things.
So, back to whether or not I go... What do you think, Tom? Should I go back without you? I know if I do go back and break down crying they would all understand and be supportive, but I don't want to be a downer and I don't know if I'd actually do well with everything. It's something to think about. Let me know what you think... Oh... yeah...

I love you!
Love,
Katie

Thanks for the Visit, Tom

2010-06-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Thanks for the visit. It was bitter-sweet. I was dreaming about you, but it felt SO real and caught me off guard. I thought you were still alive and said something about it, but then I realized or you told me that you weren't. I remember saying it; "You're alive!" And then it hit me. And it hurt. I don't remember the whole dream, which is disappointing. I do remember that like most of my dreams with you in them, you were getting ready to deploy and I kept trying to get you to stay. This one was a little different type of deployment though, but I can't remember it exactly. There was something about Nathan in it, too. I hope it all comes to me during the day. I want so desperately to remember every detail about it all. I know that you came to visit me and said you couldn't stay for long. You always tell me that you can't stay for long. I wish it was forever, but I'll take anything that I can get. Every moment with you is so precious and a little gift that I can keep in my heart and my memory. I kept thinking during this dream that I would remember it so well since it was so real. I keep trying to figure out where we were driving to. I Think we were looking for Nathan so you could see him.
It was strange because I "woke up" or at least became aware of everything because when I found out you really weren't alive it was that dose of reality that forced disappointment on me and made me hold on tighter to you and the time we had. At the same time the rain was pounding on the roof. Rain never wakes me up, but it was so loud that I thought that it was raining inside the house, but I wouldn't let that take me away from you and our time together. I was operating on both the conscious and unconscious levels at the same time. It was so nice to see you like that. I wish that we weren't always getting ready for another deployment and getting ready to leave me, but I guess that's my way of knowing that I have to let you go because you are not mine to keep here with me forever now. We will be together forever one day. I look forward to it, Tom because I love you and miss you more than words or tears could ever express. Thank you for spending that time with me. I needed it.

Love you always,
Your wife,
Katie

Our Little Girl

2010-06-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
I'm not going to talk about Nathan tonight for one because he's not here and for two because I'd cry more if I'm talking about both of our kids. But our little girl... is getting so big! You already know how smart she is because you were here when she was 18 months and started talking in 4 word sentences. You saw how fast she picked up on things and well she learns (sometimes the wrong things). She's amazing. Oh, but she is getting to that point where she wants to test me and put me in my place and assert herself. Don't worry, I will not let her get away with the things Nathan used to get away with. She was saying something today and I repeated it and she told me "Stop copying me!" She's actually done so many funny things today that I can't even remember. Last night was too funny. We were at my new friend's house and everything I'd say Avery said, like usual. But then I said, "I love you" and she started waving and said "Goodbye!" Maybe it's one of those things you had to be there for, but we were laughing pretty hard at her. She is so independent and fearless, Tom. She jumps on the couch and climbs and thinks nothing of it. I'm trying to break her of that. We don't need 2 of them, but we do know where she got it from.
I was crying several times today and most of the time she'll say "Mommy crying?" And then at one point she asked, "What's wrong?" I told her the truth. I said, 'Daddy is dead and I miss him.' She doesn't know what that means, but sooner than later she will. She'll be asking all sorts of questions about you. The most important ones will be "Where's my Daddy? Why did he die?" And someday she'll know. Ok, this post is about her to you, so let me tell you about her and the things she's doing.
Her hair is long enough that I can really pull it back into a pony tail. I know you did it once, but it didn't work well. You've been asking me since last year when her hair was going to grow and be long and girly. It started to before you died, but it's really grown since then. It's like all of a sudden it's the way you wanted to see it. Thinking about that makes me sad. You can't see it, but you should. You should be the one who is here doing her hair. I'll never forget when I took Nathan to the park a few months ago (maybe more than a few at this point) and you text me "I did Avery's hair." I was so excited to come home and see what you did. There were clips all in it. She was laughing and having a good time. She looked funny in a really cute way. She would never take her hair out when Daddy did it, but Mommy? It would never stay in! She was constantly pulling her clips out. That drove me crazy! I used to make you do her hair a lot for that reason. And let's be honest, you were better at it then me except for when it came to the hair ties because you couldn't figure them out. It was funny to watch. I wish you were still here to do her hair.
I put her in that one set of footie pajamas tonight and she could actually walk around in them with no problem, which tells me that she has grown a lot in the past couple of months. She would always come up to you, put her foot out in your face and say "Fix, fix" because they were too big and she hated when her foot didn't stay in the footie part. She has this attitude now. I mean even more than before! She thinks she owns the world. And her screeching? Well, let's just say that people still comment on it, but it's no where near as bad as it used to be! They have No idea!
She loves you and misses you so much. I'm so sad that her Nathan don't get to grow up with you. I am so sad that I don't get to raise our children with you, but I have to do it alone. We talked about things that we would tell our kids and things we wouldn't, but their are some conversations that just come better from Dad than from Mom.
We sang "Pants on the ground" today, but her dance is no where near as funny when you would do it. I think I have that on video. I should really look into that. I wish I had more pictures of you with Avery (and you in general). I've never been good at that. I'm sure I'll remember some of her funny antics later and just come back and add them in.
Love you always,
Katie

Dread

2010-06-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
I feel the dread slowly creeping in. I feel it even though I had such a good night tonight. It was maybe the best night I've had since you died, Tom. I had dinner and wine with a new friend and we laughed and talked and I felt normal. Even though I gave her the Cliff's Notes version of 'Tommy & Katie' it wasn't hard or sad for me. It was almost normal. Maybe because I've told this story so many times that I feel almost detached to it. Maybe she's just one of those easy people to talk to. I did (like usual) seem to have a hard time collecting my thoughts at times, but she didn't seem to mind. I felt like it was just a long over due Girls Night that I haven't done in a while. I didn't feel sad even when I was talking about you. It was easy for some reason. She's a really great person and I think you'd actually like her and be good with me hanging out with her. It was so nice to laugh and talk about normal stuff. I didn't feel like I had to pretend tonight. I wasn't pretending to be happy or have a good time, I actually was happy for a little while. It felt so good to laugh. It felt so good to feel "normal" again.
Then I drove home. There were several songs that you played for me tonight. I love when you send me a song and even more so when I get multiple songs so I really know it's from you. It was a nice drive home "with you" tonight. But my mind had forgotten all about the nice dinner and company and conversation I had tonight. My mind wandered back to you and the fact that next week I am headed up North for a very difficult time in this life. The dread is creeping in and right now it's over-shadowing the good.
It doesn't seem right, you know? That I'm doing this. That I'm doing this ALONE! I have never felt more alone in my life than the day of your funeral. And that keeps playing back in my mind and I keep playing out Arlington and what it's going to look like and feel like as I sit there and say goodbye-- Again! Tom it is SO wrong, so wrong that I must feel like this. I looked around at your funeral and I resented your whole family. They made me angry and I felt bitter towards them, through no fault of their own, mind you. But there they were standing around, your Mom and Dad, your sisters and their husbands, your brothers and their girlfriends... Do you see the problem? Tom, do you get it? They all had someone and not just anyone but their OWN Someone. They had their significant other. I was alone. I was SO incredibly alone because MY Someone wasn't there standing next to me. He wasn't there to hold me or comfort me or tell me "We'll get through this together" or to take my hand or touch my cheek to wipe away my tears. He wasn't there to give me that little bit of peace and reassurance knowing that I had someone else to lean on. He wasn't standing there next to me because he was laying in front of me. No one else there could do for me what you could have done for me. NO ONE could have made me feel less alone that day (or any day for that matter). No one could have truly comforted me in the way I needed because the one-- the ONLY one who could have given me what I needed was you. I stood there and looked around and I felt so lost even talking with so many people because they couldn't help no matter how desperately they wanted to.
That feeling is coming back. That feeling is slowly creeping back in and I know it's going to knock me on my face again. I know I'm going to have to look around and see what I am supposed to have. I am going to watch others mourn together and many will try to comfort me. I'll let them of course because I know they want to help and I know that it comes from a place of love, but there is no way it will actually help. Nothing can help this. How does the Evanescence song go? "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There is just so much that time can not erase." It's never going to be erased, so I have to continue on this journey alone because you left me no choice. I am alone and as the dread rolls in, so does the fear.
I Love you, Tommy. I miss you... and just now almost literally typed 'and see you soon.' But I won't see you 'til the other side. I can't even see your body again, just your coffin. That's so sad for me and our kids. They love you and miss you, too.
Love always,
Katie

Ingenious! & The Calm Before The Storm

2010-06-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is what I am referring to myself as today. Why? For several reasons. The first and most important is that I have a brilliant book idea. Ok, so MAYBE it's not going to pan out, but I have found that there are more people out there in the world who are like me than I thought and I bet this book would sell more than 100 copies. I think it will do really well! I'm excited about it and hope that others will be, too. Now I just have to figure out how to go about getting it done. I still have my other book ideas and the book I sort of started last summer is up there in priority, but I'm not sure I want to really go there yet. This book idea is one that would be fun to write. I don't want to do this one alone, so I may ask one or two other people what they think and if they'd be willing to co-author it with me. I also would love to find the children's book I wrote last summer, but I think Tom threw it away while trying to organize for me. That is one thing I can not seem to do well with, but I am coming out of my fog bit by bit and hopefully will be better suited to assist someone else as they organize for me, lol!

On to my next ingenious idea. I am starting to get a focus on what direction I am being led and what I feel called to do to get changes made and make sure things like Tom's death don't happen (or at least don't have to happen) again. There are several things I feel I need to bring awareness to, but there is one in particular that I feel I can thrive and make a True difference in the long run. It's what I wish someone else in my shoes would have done before hand, which could have made 'this' outcome never even occur. I got so mad at that the other night. I was so upset that no one else had done more. No one else had felt led and compelled to do what I am about to embark on. Then again I think about it now, and the thought occurs to me that maybe someone has tried and it failed. Here's the thing: I won't allow myself to fail anyone else. If I don't take the tragedy I am living and turn it into something positive then I not only fail myself, but the Marines and their families that could have been effected in a positive way had I stuck to it. I can't fail them. I look at this opportunity as my privilege and duty. I feel entrusted with a task and I need to really figure it all out and then make it happen. I get it. I do. And there needs to be changes in different areas, but I can't try to tackle everything that I see that needs improvement. I am in a unique position and have a very different view of how things operate and I want to show that view to those who can make the changes necessary and work with them in whatever capacity they allow. I also, have my main goal now and need to focus on that primarily.

*****

This will all have to wait, though, until I get back from up North. Until then, I am allowing myself the time to just "rest." I need some me time and I need to have the wheels in my mind stop working for a little while because I know that this is the calm before the storm. It will all get brought back up again in just a few days, so I am trying to give myself the time I need to gather myself before I end up right back face down on the ground where I've been for the past 7 weeks. This is going to be harder than I thought. I figured 2 months out won't be so bad, but yes I am sure now that it will. I will have to start all over again once it hits me that I am about to bury my husband. Sometimes I say or write things to see the affect they have on me, and that last sentence was one of those. "I am about to bury my husband." Those words don't seem real. They seem offensive actually. Why do I have to do this at my age? I'm not as young as some of the widows out there, especially military widows, but wow, I am not even in my 30's yet and this is the life I am leading. I suppose one of these days it will be real. Maybe when I'm driving to DC remembering that we were just for the White House Easter Roll. Maybe when I have to tell Nathan "Tomorrow we will burry Daddy's coffin." Maybe when I hear the first of the 21 Gun Salute... maybe the last. Maybe when they hand me the flag that has been draped over the dark box that holds the love that has consumed me since I was 18 years old. Maybe it won't hit me until much later, days, weeks, months. I don't know, but I felt I was making ground and now I know that really, I'm lying. I'm lying to you and to me. It's nice to see me lie isn't it? When I smile and tell you I'm going a little better? It makes you feel better doesn't it? Well, be prepared for when it kicks me in the stomach and the face and least not we forget-- the heart all over again.

"Mrs." Bagosy?

2010-06-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was reading the Military Widow book that my CACO gave me as standard issue and while most of it was wonderfully helpful there were several things that hadn't crossed my mind until reading it, and I must say I could have done without (at least for now). One thing that really bothered me is how they kept referring to us as widows and not wives. Ok, I get it. I hate the word widow, but keep using it because I feel I need to say it to myself until I believe it's true. But I did NOT appreciate how the book mentioned several times that I am no longer Tom's WIFE. Um, hello? Are you serious? I AM TOO STILL HIS WIFE! Aren't I? I mean, really, am I? And if I'm not then who am I? I took vows that said "Til DEATH do us part" and I kept my end of the deal, I guess he did too in some ways, but then what? What happens to me once he's gone? Am I not still referred to as Mrs. Bagosy? Yes. Do I change that to Ms.? I don't think so! And even if that is what would be expected of me (which I know is not) I would not. I AM Mrs. Bagosy, so aren't I then still Tom's wife? Why can't I say that? Why do I ever have to take off my wedding ring if I don't want to? Why do I need to circle "Widow" when I'm asked my marital status on doctors forms and the like? Why can't I still have my husband? I still call him my husband, so why not say that I'm still his wife? I know the book was not trying to do anything but be real and show me the expectations of this new life, but it bothered me to hear (read) that I'm no longer his wife. I don't want to accept any of this, and that sure didn't help. Ok, I'm done with my tangent for now.

6 Weeks Later

2010-06-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
The shirt I'm wearing today is the same shirt I wore 3 weeks ago on Memorial Day and 6 weeks ago, the day you died. I don't know why it's hard to wear this shirt it just seems fitting Not to wear it. It's so strange to think that it's been 6 weeks that I've been living this life. I've entered a new stage in this process, it's called ANGER. Oh yes, my good ole standby friend has returned. I used to turn any hurt or pain into anger because it's so much easier to deal with. I stopped doing that a long while ago and haven't been that way really at all in the past 6 weeks. There were a few moments that I started to be angry, but felt guilty and the angry feeling was fleeting. Well, not today. Today I am down right mad! I feel so betrayed. I know you felt that way about everyone who was supposed to be helping you (me included), but damn it Tom! I'm pissed today. I mean really? This is my life now because of you? I HATE this life that you have left for me AND for our kids. You screwed us Tom. I don't know how to get life on the right track here. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control and I'm SO angry because of it! I'm angry with you and everyone else that played a role, no matter how small, in the outcome of what happened. I don't like feeling angry because it feels so wrong, but it is easier. And no matter how much I hurt, with anger it hurts a little less and right now I just want to hurt as little as possible.
It's been 6 weeks and our 4 year old has been having such a hard time with this. Oh, Tom, if you could see what he is going through right now. If there was a way to have made you understand Before it happened. I live in a world of "ifs" now. It's not a pleasant place to live.
We sent you pictures and notes today attached to balloons. I stood in our driveway and watched them float away into the clouds until I could no longer see them. Nathan thought maybe we could give them to you ourselves, I said no. Then he wanted to know when you were going to write back, when the balloon would come back to us. I had to break his heart again, twice today over something I thought would be good for him. In his note he said "Dear Daddy, I wish you would please come back alive." Me, too. Unfortunately wishes get you nothing but broken hearts.
He sat with me the other night and asked "Mommy, why don't you want another husband?" I wanted to know what made him think that and he said because I don't have one now. I asked if he wanted me to have another husband and he said yes so he could have another Daddy. He wants one to play with him; then he said he needs one to discipline him. Then he told me he wants the new Daddy to look like you. Oh bless his heart (and break mine in pieces). It took a lot not to cry at that, but I'm crying now. I'm crying for our little babies who want and need their Daddy so much. I asked Avery today if she loved Mommy and she said "Daddy." I said "You love Daddy?" And she shook her head yes. She heard me talking to you before that happened and a few minutes after I was done talking-- ok let's be honest, I've been mad today so I was yelling-- she said "I miss Tom. I miss Tom." It was sad to hear those words come out of her mouth. We miss you so much. We needed you to be alive and be here for us always. Obviously you are not, but that doesn't mean we don't need you. We need you even more now that you are gone. I pray that you are at peace in heaven and that you help us. You know what help I've been asking for over the past few days. So, Tommy, help. Please help me, help our children, and help me to help our children.
I love you always. Nothing could ever change that.
Love your wife,
Katie

Rolling Rock

2010-06-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I was looking up today at the tops of our cabinets and was thinking of the memories from the cup collection and the "beverage" collection. I saved one of the unopened wine bottles you sent me for Mother's Day last year while you were in Reno for training. You were gone for 6 weeks, same amount of time as you've been gone now. You wanted me to drink it, but I couldn't. I felt that it was special and I needed to keep it.
I was also looking at the Rolling Rock bottle we've had for the last 4 years. It makes me sad to see it there, and a little angry, too. That bottle has been around from the beginning of us living together. We've had it since we were living in that trailer for 6 weeks while we waited for base housing. Oh man, I wish I could forget how miserable we were there! I don't know why but we did not go even One day without having at least one fight! I remember you coming home with the Rolling Rock and I asked why you got that. You didn't know, you just felt like getting it that night. One of your friends came over and made fun of you for it, so the Rolling Rock just sat there. We finally got our housing and moved. Thinking about it now, we got our keys on May 10, 2006, exacly 4 years before you died. That last beer bottle came with us. I wanted you to drink it, but you said no, and I wasn't going to get rid of it until you drank it. Even in the new house you would ask me to get you a beer, and me being the submissive wife (haha) would always get you one-- the Rolling Rock. You would never drink it, though. One time I was finally going to open it myself and you walked into the kitchen and asked what I was doing. You told me that I couldn't open it, that we had to keep it forever because it was with us from the beginning. You told me that as long as we kept that Rolling Rock we would be together, so Tom, we kept it. There were a few times that I wanted so desperately to open it up, or break it in front of you and say to hell with the beer and to hell with you, but I never did. I didn't want to jinx us. I didn't ever really want to say goodbye, even when I told you I was leaving. I never meant it. You never did either. It came with us to our new house-- Our house, the one we bought together, the one that I still haven't been able to take your name off of. We brought it here, Tom, and it is still here, so why aren't you? You said that as long as we have that unopened beer bottle we would be ok, but we're not ok, Tom because you are gone and not just 'oh you left me, but maybe we can work it out.' No, that I could've handled, but that's not what happend. No, you left me in the worst sense of the word, by your own hand. How am I supposed to deal with that? I see this seemingly insignificant beer bottle, but to me it means so much. It means my/ our marriage in some ways. It's one of those inside things that no one else will ever understand in all totality except for "us" but again now there is no "us" anymore. Tommy, why is this stupid beer bottle still here over 4 years later, but you are not? You lied. You said we'd be ok. You told me that we'd be fine and I believed it. I know. It's a beer bottle for Pete's sake! That is not what keeps a marriage together, but it was one of those things. It's been around for 4 years, all 3 places we lived together, 2 moves, and so many times it came close to getting broken or poured out, but it lasted. We were supposed to last. We didn't. I don't want to accept that.
My plan for the Rolling Rock now? It's simple really. I forgot to bring it to Delaware for the funeral. I thought about putting it in your coffin along with the picture of us that you had with you 'that' day (thank you MarSOC for getting that back), but since I forgot it, my new plan is to bring it to your burial. I figure the only fitting thing to do since we are now in a sense separated is to separate the Rolling Rock as well. I plan on pouring the beer on your grave and keeping the bottle for myself. That way it goes with both of us. I though also about breaking it over your coffin, but I think I may be sad later on that I don't have the bottle. Since you'll have the beer right now I can always break the bottle on your head stone or something later on if I feel I need a more symbolic and angry way to get out my feelings over it. For now, we'll split it, just like my heart is split in wanting to be with you and needing to be here for our kids. Well, I'm off to bed. See you in my dreams, I hope.

Love Always,
Katie

I'll just... Oh...

2010-06-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,
Ok, so I can't tell you how many times things have come up in the past almost 6 weeks where I have started a thought with "I'll just ask Tom... Oh, yeah, I can't do that." It's so hard because even when I was driving around looking for BAS to get your medical record and thinking it was somewhere near dental, but couldn't find it I figured, 'I should just call Tom.' It's those moments that make me feel like I just got kicked in the stomach-- again! It's those moments where I am reminded of the reality of things. I am reminded that I can't just call or text or anything else. When I am lost like I was the other day and somehow after an appointment in Morehead City I ended up in Havelock I just wanted to call you to help me out. I wasn't sure if I was going the right way, but thought I should just keep driving a little bit until I started to recognize things-- from when I was 20 years old! I haven't been there in years, but I knew where I was and that I had to turn around. I wanted to call you several times on that trip, not just when I was lost. Oh and by the way, I AM investing in a GPS now. I'd just use your phone, but NCIS still hasn't gotten it back to me. But that wasn't even the first time I wanted to call you that day.

That trip was very sad for me. We used to talk about how it's not really pretty around here and there is nothing to do unless we go to Wilmington, but as I was driving to my appointment I kept thinking how pretty it was and how I wanted so badly to call you and tell you and ask to take a Saturday and just go drive that way to explore and see what was around. It made me so sad. I felt for the first time that I was experiencing new things without you. It was the first time I really could feel my life moving forward-- not that I am emotionally in any sense of the word, but just that there was something new and you would never know about it. My life is continuing and it's not just in this little bubble anymore.
We can't go to some of the places I passed by as a family even though that was my initial though passing by. We can't so that because our family isn't whole anymore. I felt guilty for that. For still being here. For my life moving forward without you.

Which leads me to today. I saw Owens today and I have to say that one of the reasons I like him (and dislike him at the same time) is that he doesn't allow me to feel sorry for myself. You know I like to do that on occasion and today was really one of those days. We talked about me getting my Master's and then we moved on to where I am and how I'm feeling about you. Well, he sure didn't let me blame myself for very long for anything. I think I'm more at fault and have/had more power than he thinks, but we talked about you and my feelings of not knowing what you'd want me to be doing, that I feel like you may resent me for being here or something of that nature. He is great at giving different perspectives, as you know, and really made me think about trying to live my life to honor you. I won't get into specifics, and some of it, as he stated, is speculation (which I myself am full of), but it made me look at things differently. I'll probably talk to you more about it tonight, but I want you to know now that I hope I get to that point sooner than later where I can "live my life to honor you." I need to come to terms with some things first, though. I'm not ready to move to that point just yet. I feel I'd have to 'let you go' in a differnt way that I'm not ready for.
As for the rest of the day, I took the kids to see Ma Tante and Larry. Haha! Yes, as we got there I saw their neighbor and started laughing! I wish could say it as well as you can, but what has it been now, 4 years? "Can I hold the Baaaaaby?" 'No!' LMAO! Wow! We would laugh at that a lot. Oh geeze, one of these days I should try to write down all of our inside jokes. It would take me a few weeks to remember them all, but I should do it just in case I ever forget for some reason. Well, I have lots more to say, but Nathan just came in from our neighbor's house and he wants to cuddle. He needs some 'Mommy time' but I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon. I wish I could just call you or email you or better yet, I wish I could have you right here next to me forever and ever. I love you more than you will ever know (well, maybe from where you are you do know).
Love Always,
Katie

BIG LOVE

2010-06-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Well, Thomas-- Oh yeah I just called you Thomas! I am a bit frustrated today. I'm sure you know this since last night was a little... um... out of control. I was about to lose it and asked you, well, no scratch that. I TOLD you that you better find a way to get someone here and help me because I just couldn't do it and not even 20 minutes later (just as I saw Avery and the carpet covered in paint) the door bell rings and it's Jena. I was about to flip out on whoever was there to solicit cookies, donations, or Kirby vacuums (again), but thank God that it was Jena and I immediately calmed down knowing that everything would be ok. Well, it's not all ok since Nathan is so out of hand and I'm not sure how to deal with him, but for the moment I kept the little sanity that I still have left. I'm getting angry at you more and not feeling As Much guilt about the anger when things like this happen. I have no control and the whole "Wait until Daddy gets home" doesn't work, and neither does "Daddy would be so (insert: angry, upset, disappointed, etc.) at you and we don't want that so let's behave" isn't working either. Something's gotta give here, Tom and I'm not sure what, but I sure hope you help me out like you did last night.

Ok, so I mentioned before that I was thinking about buying the diamond that you had gotten for me back in December. Well, I ended up buying it and getting it sized, so I just went today to get it. First of all, I tried it on and it looks great ;) but I had to put it on my necklace with your wedding ring because it seems so strange to actually wear it. I want to and maybe I will, but probably not everyday. I also can't wear both the diamond and my wedding band and that one seems more fitting to have on.

Second, about this trip to Kay's is that as I walked into the mall I saw a sign at another jewelry store with a picture of a diamond and the words "Buy 2 Get 1 Free" and I started to laugh! All I could think about was Big Love. I mean really who buys 3 diamond rings unless you're a polygamist? I just thought it was funny since when you died we had just started renting Season 2. There are several shows that remind me of you and happy times and Big Love is one of them since we used to have HBO and watched Season 1 when it first was on. By the time the 2nd season was on we didn't have HBO anymore. We only got to watch the first 3 episodes of it and now I have the next 6 just sitting here. I have tried on several occasions to watch them, but it's always something, mostly it's that I don't want to cry watching it, but I think I will tonight. I was busy today and haven't even had time to think and get my tears out. I'm sure they are coming since I can feel them now.

I remember watching the first Big Love DVD that Blockbuster sent us and... ok side note really quick... I just realized that this blog post sounds like an ad for promoting all these things, but it's not... ok sorry I do tend to get side tracked (you would think I have ADD or something, but I don't).
SO anyway... I remember asking you which of the 3 wives I am most like and You replied with (and I quote) "I could say all 3 equally. You're smart and college like, like the 1st one; devious and scary like the 2nd one; and fun and dumb like the 3rd one." I laughed so hard at that and told you that is why you don't need more than one wife because you have it all rolled into one. And you told me how one is more than enough. We laughed so hard about it all. Ok, maybe I laughed a little harder than you did. It was just a very funny interchange between us. I wrote it down back then because I wanted to remember and I'm glad I did because I can't ask you again if I had forgotten what you said. I mentioned that the 2nd two could be taken in a negative way, but that's not how you meant it-- ok maybe the devious and scary part, but that's just because I would be sneaky when I wanted answers and wasn't getting them from you. And as for the 'dumb' part you meant ditzy and naive (which I suppose I feel I have to clarify for those reading this that they don't think you were putting me down because we know you weren't... right? Just kidding. I know it). Tom, we were supposed to be watching these together. I seems incomplete without you here. I mean that on the grand scale and on the little details in life. I want to watch every episode and I'm sure I will, but I'm going to be thinking of you the whole time and wondering what conversations we would have about it all. I hope that you will sit there beside me and watch along even if I can't feel you next to me.

Oh, Tommy, where are you? What are doing right now? What do you want me to be doing right now? How can I get through this and If I can get through it what would you want me to be doing with my life and with the kids? How do I accomplish any of those things without you here? You were so much better at all of that stuff. I know I wasn't telling you enough that you were such a good Dad, but honestly, Tommy after Afghanistan you really were. You were a really good husband, too. I just wish I could have let go of certain things and focused on the great job you were doing now, Or should I say "doing then." I know that it may not have made enough difference to keep you here-- you told me several times to stop thinking the world revolved around me and "this" had nothing to do with me, but I can't help but think maybe I could have made a difference. At the very least you would have known better how I felt. I pray that you know now and it brings you some sort of comfort wherever you are... Ok, well, those tears are flowing.

Tommy, I love you and miss you forever. Thank you for all the greatness that you did bring to my life that I never thanked you for before. There was a lot of hurt and pain, but I'm sorry I didn't thank you for the good things enough.

Love, your wife,
Katie

Venting...

2010-06-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

There are so many things running through my mind right now, but I should go to bed since I've been up since 4am and have a long week ahead of me. But I did want to get a few of these thoughts out while I have a chance. Yes, BOTH kids are asleep, so I have 10 minutes! Nathan is impossible to get to bed these days-- weeks now since it's been 5 weeks today that it happened.

I watched this documentary called The American Widow Project. I have spoken with a couple of military widows, but I think this movie was really what I needed, at least for tonight. I don't know if it's different because we are young or because of the military or maybe it's all the same everywhere it just depends on who your talking to at the moment, but I felt validated tonight. Tom's Aunt has made me feel that way, too (validated), but this past weekend was super hard on me in that I was made to feel wrong, and that is so not what I need right now. I realize that I am not handling this the way that others would like me to, but since when have I followed the mold of what people have expected from me? Apparently-- and not to name any names here to throw anyone under the bus, but apparently the way I am grieving is not ok to some of those close to me and people around them. Hmm, I wonder why I've shut some people out right now? Have they wondered about that? I am a TWENTY SEVEN (27) year old Widow. Some of my friends are still single and living at home with their parents (not putting anyone down), while I have been married, had 2 children, and I'm now a widow. This should NOT be my life, yet it is. I feel so old while others get to still be young. I do not deal with personal tragedies well and never have. This is something so much bigger and deeper than anyone at this age should be dealing with and apparently I went from being "So Strong" and composed to being a basket case-- and a selfish one at that.

I wish I could be like other widows. Ok, really I wish I had absolutely NO clue what it was like to be other widows. I wish that the word "widow" still meant a little old granny in her 70's who was with her husband of 50 years, had 5 children, and 11 grandchildren (or some other variation that had nothing to do with me). However, since I am a widow, I wish I could find strength like some do, well, apparently most do, in their children or even in making their husbands' proud and living for them. I don't have that luxury. And watching the documentary tonight made me feel somewhat better knowing there was another Mom that had a hard time being a Mom at first and doing the day-to-day with her child.

I LOVE my babies, let's get the record straight, but for the past 3 years many people around me have told me that I can't take care of my kids unless I take care of myself first. Well, that wasn't the case because I sure took care of them. Now, though, that I'm trying to take care of myself first (Because I do Not have anything to give them and I think I am only making their lives worse) I am told to "suck it up" by multiple people. I'm sorry I'm not that Mom right now, and it sucks to be judged by other widows who can't understand why I need to be alone sometimes. Really? They don't get it? I'm sorry, I don't draw my strength from my precious babies, I truly am. I wish to God I did, but it hurts twice as much for me to hear my kids talk about their Daddy, especially Nathan who is having such a hard time with this. I can't fix this for him or for me or anyone and I am dealing with my pain AND guilt and it's so much harder being reminded by Tom's 'mini-me' all day everyday.

And as for those widows who are doing the things their husband's would have wanted, and are drawing strength from them? I'm glad they have that. I can't say the same. I still can't figure out if Tom has forgiven me or not, so I can't decide what he'd really want to have me do, or if he's really still with me. I know what he said 'That Sunday Night' but I don't know if he's still feeling that way towards me and things in general. I wish I could have what others seem to have, but really we are all different people. We deal differently and we have different circumstances. So, why put me down when I just need understanding? I 'suppose' I expect it from non-widows, but not women who have "walked these shoes" before me. Ok, I'm obviously irritated tonight and need to stop so I can wake up happy... ok that was a joke. Do you know anyone in my shoes who is happy (at lease at this stage of it all)? Me neither.

One Year Ago...

2010-06-14T09:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Tommy,

One year ago today we moved into this house and you left for Afghanistan. You weren't even supposed to be on that deployment. You were a replacement for an injured Marine. You should actually be deployed right now and we'd be getting ready for your return, instead we are mourning your death.

I remember my first night in this house. I cried SO hard and so long. You had been in a rush to make your flight and we didn't get a good "goodbye." I was SO sad and it was SO hard. I remember thinking that night that this didn't feel like "our" home or "your" home. It just didn't. I wondered if that meant you weren't coming home. I thought some horrible thoughts that I didn't want in my mind, but they came just the same. I wondered if you had bought this house for us-- the kids and I, so we'd have a place of our own. I hated thinking that way. I hated not feeling like this was OUR home. I hate thinking it even now. It was like one of my many premonitions about you... Writing that made me think of a few months ago when the movie "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock was on. It was sometime around Christmas because I picture the tree in my mind. Ok so maybe more than a few months ago, but really where did the time go? You took Nathan out and bought him a Lego X-Box game and something else. You went to Red Robin for dinner because he wanted some one-on-one Daddy time. I stayed here and cried watching it. I thought about it and put us in those rolls for some reason. It was weird, and I can't really explain it very well, but it obviously stood out in my mind. I wondered at the time if any of my premonitions about you would come true and how that must feel. To see her try to stop it from happening and in the end being the reason it happened. Now it hits a little close to home. I wish to God that none of this had happened and I never knew those feelings that I expected Sandra's character in the movie must have felt...

But back to last year on this day. I remember crying and begging God to let me hold you one more time. I wanted AT LEAST one more time because we didn't get a real goodbye when you left and we didn't get to spend any time together that day since we were moving. I told Him I NEEDED that and not to take you from me. I BEGGED Him not to take you. I was so scared because I have always thought it would be your second war deployment that would take your life. I wondered on that night where I would be on this day, one year later. I wonder the same thing right now about next year. I'm afraid to know what that day holds, though because life can always get worse. I wish I could have a "Flash Forward" like that ABC show and I wish I wouldn't see anything.

I know I'm so negative and bringing those around me down, too, but I can't help it. I can't help wanting this to be over. You can't come back to me, so the only way to be with you is to go to you. I'm obviously not going on my own, I just wish an act of God would bring me to you. I will always want that until the day we are together again.

Love you and miss you,
Katie

Visit With Your Brothers

2010-06-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

The kids and I went to see your brothers today. On the drive up it started to hit me that we were going to YOUR brother's house, but YOU would NOT be there. I tried so hard to fight back tears the whole time I was there. Honestly it felt a little awkward at first. It got better, but we were only there for a couple of hours. The kids had fun and it was really good for Nathan to see them. It was good to talk about you and what's going on, but I didn't want to cry in front of all of them (their girlfriends were there, too) and I knew that's what I needed at that moment. I couldn't hold it back much longer. It just seemed wrong for me to be there without you somehow and odd talking about it all, but it helps to talk about you especially to those who were close to you. I think it was just a bit much today.

Your brother still has your old black car. I Love that car. I miss it. I know it sounds crazy, but you know that because I have missed it since you sold it for the red one. I told him someday I'll buy it back, but it's with the rightful owner and like he said (and I was thinking it, too) at least it's him who has it and not some stranger. It sounds silly to talk about a car like that, but there is so much behind it. I still have the red one, which I've hated since the day you bought it, but I can't bring myself to sell it right now. So I guess we... or 'I' have 3 vehicles, but ony one driver.

Anyway, it was good to go there today even though it was hard. I think because it was the first time there and hanging out with them without you, but I'm glad that we were able to and I know the kids were glad, too. Neither one wanted to leave.

Like Always, Tom, I love you and miss you. I wish you were there today-- and everyday.

Love Always,
Katie

Hello Delaware

2010-06-11T04:36:00.001-07:00

Good morning Delaware. Ok, not really a good morning. The kids were up at 4am and started calling and texting people from 5am-6am. I didn't even know they could figure that out on this phone. I had fallen back to sleep by then and now they are doing the same. I have a head ache, which I'm not complaining about, just stating, so I'm not sure how long I'll be able to type for. Then there was the multitude of dreams about Tom last night. In some I was trying to deal with his death, but in others he was still alive. Those are more difficult because I seem to wake up thinking he's still here and have to relive it once it sinks in.

Yesterday was the 10th, so it was one month ago that it happened. It seems so long ago, but at the same time I can't believe it's been a month. I guess I can't believe I've survived a month already. I can't get Tom's face out of my mind no matter how hard I try. I keep seeing the pain and hurt in his eyes. I keep reliving the moments that I put it there. It's amazing, Tom hurt me plenty (we all know that), but that's not what matters now. Now it's the times that I hurt him that I can't escape. So many people hurt him, especially in the end, and he was already dealing with the pain of war. None of us did enough to stop it. None of us were able to make the pain go away. No one gets it now-- the reason that this pain of mine is so much deeper than just missing the man I love so deeply. That in and of itself is too much to bear. I miss him. No matter what we went through I never stopped loving him and always wanted him. But no one gets that this guilt is eating at me more and more. Everyday it grows and everyday it gets harder to push away. I don't know how I'll get through this. It's just one more added stressor (not a real word apparently) and it's a huge one. I know what I'm going to focus on in counseling next week, but I don't think anything Owens says can help me on this one.

Ok, onto something more positive... I've decided to get my Master's. I knew that I wanted that almost right away. I just didn't know until yesterday what I was going to go for. Jena and I weighed the options and talked all about it and I decided on Psychology over Social Work. It was my original major all those many years ago and there is more that I can with Psychology. Now I just have to get all the lose ends tied together.

I Can Do This

2010-06-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

I can do this. I can do this. No really, I can do "this." I can do busy that is. I can do staying out of my house and away from his stuff and away from our pictures and yes, here is the Horrible Mom of Year statement: I can be away from the kids. Do I miss them? Yes! But being around them means I have to face reality and I have to deal with their pain and I can't even deal with my own pain. The past few days I have been able to focus on me and yes, it has helped knowing that my kids are safe and having a blast and I could cry and not feel bad. But I have also been so busy that I am largely able to ignore the tears and the pain and almost pretend like it's someone else's life I am living right now. I can do that. I can pretend that this is going to go away and I'll be with him again, but then... but then I see his face either in a picture or in my mind. I see his clothes. I see his truck. I see our bed and he is not in it and he will not be in it ever again. And then? And then it starts. And then I can't stop it or IF I can hurry up and distract myself fast enough I can stop it all before I get so consumed that I just can't breathe. I don't want to breathe, not without him.

There are moments that I try to imagine my life 10 years down the road and I think, Maybe I'll be happy. Maybe my kids will have a solid "father figure" in their lives. Maybe we'll be celebrating Christmas and laugh and smile and feel joy. But then, all of a sudden 10 years from now at Christmas dinner it will hit me. Tom is not there. Tom SHOULD be there, but he's not. And whatever we will be doing in that moment is something that should Not be taking place because in that moment we will be celebrating without him. And at that moment 10 years from now, I will break down and cry in front of everyone. No one will understand. They will think "Well, it's been 10years already. She should be over it by now." But I won't be over it and in that moment I will think about what my life should be like and wonder where we would be and how we would be celebrating if our family-- our original family-- were all together. I will never know. I will never know what my life would be like in 10 years. People will look at me and see the smiles, see me laughing, and see happiness, but they will not understand that each and every day for the rest of my life I will be struggling. I will be struggling for air, for that feeling of freedom-- freedom from this misery. Freedom from torture that each and every day will hold. No, no one will understand. I may tell someone, "You know I still miss him. I still miss my Tommy." And they may seem sympathetic, but they won't get it. They won't know what this missing piece of my heart is doing to me on a daily basis. That will Never ever go away.

For now I just try to keep myself as busy as I can because the truth and reality of this is sinking in and I can't handle it. I try to ignore it as much as possible. I miss my heart and my soul and don't want to know this life without him.

One More Try

2010-06-06T20:15:00.001-07:00

Tommy,

A little sad and a little laugh (for me anyway)... I went to O'Charleys tonight. Jena went with me. I sat in the same place (Jena took your seat) and ordered the same thing we had 4 weeks ago tonight when Jena watched the kids. I was sad, but tried not to cry since I've cried all day long. At one point Jena held up my phone with the picture of you from that night-- the last picture taken of you. I joked around and talked to it for a minute like it was you (not long I'm not Too crazy). I've gone out since then, but not there. I wasn't ready. I felt like tonight was the right time to go, but had I gone alone? Ha! That would have been pretty bad. We weren't there for long and I came home.

I got on youtube and actually looked up Timmy T's "One More Try." I know you know that song. It's amazing that one little song would make us both cry. (Yes I wrote that on here that my big, tough Marine knew how to cry). I can't even begin to imagine how many times one of us would play that song for or about the other. How many "One More Try's" did we get anyway? I suppose that eventually we'd have to run out of ONE more trys and we'd have to have a last ONE. But Tommy, this is too final. This isn't one of our youthful break-ups when we were teens. This isn't even one of our serious marriage issues that we still managed to get through. Tommy, this is death. I thought we'd ALWAYS get 'One More Try,' but there has never been a greater need or desire to have one more try with you. Not that all the words are fitting for this situation, it's just that One More Try would give me enough time to fix everything.

Well, anyway, I was watching the 1991 video of the song with Timmy T and instead of the normal tears this song invokes (oh the memories), I started to laugh a little and I pictured you here laughing and making comments at the hair, the parachute pants, and the dancing. It was so your type of dancing Tom-- really bad! ;) Hey, now that I think of it, I'm mad at you. You and I were supposed to go out dancing one time and it never happened! I guess I'll let it slide (I have no other choice). But really this video was perfect for you to see. I can picture you imitating the dancing and singing the song. At least for me there was something "light" about the day. Most of the day was me bawling my eyes out and I didn't expect a smile from that song, it brings back memories. I know you understand, or you would if you were here. That's the problem you aren't here and no one understands. I was saying that to Jena in the car tonight-- about how hilarious you are and how no one else knows all the jokes we had together. I don't even want to laugh anymore, but I sure don't want any more days like this where all I do is cry and cry. Ok, I'm beat, but at least I don't have to get up for the kids tomorrow. I wish you could sleep in with me. That would be crazy. Ok, now I know I'm rambling and I'll have to read this over in the AM and probably delete it. I love you, Tommy.

Love always,
Katie

My Drive Home

2010-06-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I drove past your old house today before I started my 8 hour drive back to NC. Well, let me tell you that just set me up for the whole ride to be filled with water works! I just wanted to go up to the door and ask to go inside for a minute. I would have if the house still had the same furniture and the same smell, but it doesn't and I didn't want those memories tainted. I miss those days, the beginning of "Tommy and Katie."

When you died everything bad that happened between us died, too. I've had a few people try to remind me of those times, and really it took everything in me not to tell them what I really thought at that moment! I don't think about the bad things, the painful things that we went through. There is no point and I have no negative feelings about anything from the past. It's all gone and has been erased. I do have a hard time thinking about the good things from the last few years, though. Those memories-- the good ones-- they hurt the most right now. They make me sadder than anything else because we should still be living those memories.

So, I think about the beginning, which to me is everything until Iraq. I think about Tommy and Katie when they were still kids and carefree and fun was the number one thing on their minds. Yes, I know, I'm talking about us in the third person because it was so long ago and in another life that they lived and were happy. I remember them that way so that it doesn't hurt as bad. Besides, it doesn't even feel like that was my life anymore. It really feels like it was someone else. We WERE different people back then. I wish we could go back to those people, THAT Tommy & Katie! They had their whole lives ahead of them. Even when they weren't together it was "Tommy & Katie" who they thought about, who held their future.

I was thinking about when we went to see "The Others" and I was sitting in between you and Rob. At that point I didn't know he liked Jenn and he didn't know I liked you and I wanted to hold your hand SO bad, but I couldn't. I kept talking to you, though and you were amazed that I had the movie figured out so early on. That's one thing that eventually annoyed you about watching movies with me. I can have almost any movie figured out in the first 20 minutes, but back then it was intriguing to you.
As I drove down Old Baltimore Pike today I thought about how I got a speeding ticket on the way to your house all those years ago. Rob and I were about to pick you up to go to the race track and I was in a hurry to get there (to your house, not the race track). He told me to slow down, but I didn't. We went to the track and like usual I was really good at picking the winners, but I'd only bet a dollar or two. I'm pretty sure it was that day you put a couple of bucks down and then threw out your winning ticket by accident. It was really funny to see your face...

You know Jenn and Rob came to your viewing. I haven't seen them in years. I'm really glad they came; it meant a lot to me, but it was really hard to see them. They've been together since you and I dated the very first time. They were meant to be, and you know what Tommy? So were we. We both know that. That's not where I should have seen them after all these years, walking up to me to tell me how sorry they were along with everyone else that day. It should have played out something like we were up in Delaware and we said, "Hey, how about we all go out to dinner or for drinks to catch up?" We would have laughed about old times and talked about all the years in between. But that's not the case. Somehow seeing them, seeing your old friends, it's helping to hold onto the past. Well, the part of the past that I can live in right now.

The drive home today was so hard. It's still hard. I can't seem to stop crying. I spent 4 weeks ago today trying to get you to not take your life and trying to figure out what to do next. I wonder how long it'll last where every week is measured by counting X number of weeks ago I tried... And on Monday's-- X number of weeks ago I failed. I wish I could say that I'm all cried out for the day, but somehow I just don't think the tears are going to stop any time soon.

I was talking to God today and said that I hoped you were resting with Him in heaven. I saw a sign that said "Vote THOMAS Ernest." So I was thinking God can You give me a... and at that very moment I saw a sign that said "SIGNS." But I told God that I was thinking it not saying it, could he give me another sign. I saw the "Vote THOMAS Ernest" sign again. I still wasn't convinced, so a minute later I saw a billboard that was for Continental Health Care Systems or something like that and it was an ad that read "You were wonderful to us when Tom passed. --Shirley Kelly, Havelock" And right after that another billboard that said "In God we trust. United we stand." Now, all of that could mean absolutely nothing, but since I'm looking for signs I'm going to take it to be a sign...

I still think about the moment that I knew for sure we would always be together, that No Matter What we would end up together. It was September 12, 2004. It was a Sunday and your last day of leave after boot camp. We had spent the day together and went out to eat at McGlynn's. We got kicked out of there because I bought you a beer and you weren't 21 yet. You made a smart ass comment about how you can go to war and fight for your country, but you couldn't drink a beer. The bar tender relaxed a bit when you said that and he agreed, but said that he had to make us leave anyway. It was that night when we were in the "infamous Bagosy basement" where so many good times took place in that "I KNEW." Even as I sit here crying I still get the biggest smile of my face when I think about it. All of a sudden you just stopped, kissed my forehead, and looked so deeply in my eyes. Your eyes never lied and your eyes held our future. I held back tears, but I couldn't hold back that smile. It was a smile of satisfaction and excitement because I KNEW in that moment that my dreams were going to come true. I knew in that moment that in the end it would be "Tommy & Katie forever." Forever wasn't supposed to end 5 years and 8 months later. That wasn't what I saw. That's not the way "Tommy & Katie" were supposed to end. That is one of my most precious memories of you Tommy and it destroys me to know that all I have now are memories from the past with no hope of memories for the future.

Miss you more than words and tears can express,
Katie

Not even 4 weeks!?

2010-06-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, sometimes it amazes me the things that come out of my 4 year old's mouth! "My" means something so much different now. "My" means me alone. Even though Tom Will Always be Nathan and Avery's Daddy, he is no longer here, so now they are "my" kids and something seems so hollow and empty and just plain Wrong about that! There is a missing link and will always be. OK, so I tend to go off on tangents and now I'll go back to my point: Nathan has been saying things that stop me in my tracks, especially now and especially since he has no idea how Daddy actually died. Today for example, he was playing with an umbrella and he said "This is a gun and it's on my head. But guns aren't supposed to be on your head." I just wanted wanted to yell at Tom "Did you hear that?! Did you hear the wisdom of our 4 year old, Tom!? That's not where guns go!!" Then he said, "Why did Daddy have to die? We were all happy when he was alive. Now he's dead and we're not happy." Wow, Nathan, my boy, right you are. Right you are! Happiness. Hmmm, that was a word that I wasn't completely sure of the meaning until the day Tom died and I realized that I WAS happy before that day. I may not have thought of my life as 'happy' on an everyday basis, but yes, really, happiness is the word I choose to use to describe my life PRE May 10, 2010. POST that date I have lots of words I'd use to describe my life. "Destroyed" seems to be most fitting right now.

I've been feeling angry today. I think it's because, well there are several reasons why I've been feeling that way. It's funny because I was just asked that question yesterday and I said no, but here I am one day later and that is one of the emotions that is consuming me: anger and (obviously) sadness and pain. My heart is hurting more today than it has been the past few days. I think my "surviving by denial" was forced to be put aside as I spent some time over at Tom's unit today. I went in for a specific reason and had a really hard time as I sat there waiting for things to get done. Not that they didn't rush to get it done for me and offer for me to come back, but I thought I could handle it. I WAS WRONG! Apparently I'm wrong about a lot of things lately. Wow, I cried a couple of times and then I actually had to turn away to compose myself. How embarrassing was that when I was talking to the Major?! It's not like it was some Cpl. or Sgt. that came up to me and asked how I was, oh no, not Katie. Katie had to turn her back on the important people! There were others there, but I am not good with ranks.

So, on another note, a friend of mine wrote to me today and said "Perhaps it is cliche for everyone to keep telling you how strong you are...but give yourself some credit. You have survived three plus weeks with this burden on you!" Umm, Wow! Has it only been "three plus weeks?" I feel like it's been SO much longer! Wow, I feel like I'm the kid who despises school and it's the
2nd day of freshman year and it seems as though graduation will never happen, or that same kid who doesn't know 'if' they'll make it that long. How in the world am I supposed to do this when unlike my example, I don't know when the end will come. I can only dread that I'll be in my 70's or 80's when it's my turn. OK, I can hear Tom now saying that I'll never make it that long because I don't take care of myself. I hope that's true. Then again I've never wanted to be that old to begin with, so there's no worry in me making that statement. (I'll let you all know when it's time to worry, ha...ha. But really no worries). Really, I appreciate her words and everyone's words of comfort and wisdom; it just struck me as I sat there reading it.

Blessings

2010-06-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

Blessings... Huh? What? This chick hasn't been a widow even 4 weeks yet and she's talking about blessings? What is going on here? Ok, well truth be told God and I... well, God and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately as one can imagine, but that doesn't mean that I can't still find myself thankful and feeling blessed in some areas. So I just felt that it may be good for me to list my blessings so that one day when Jesus IS my homeboy again (I TOLD YOU I MAKE BAD JOKES-- just wait for my "Widow Humor")I can look back and say, cool. OR something more appropriate? But it is almost midnight (will be by the time I actually finish typing) and I've had a long day, so cut me some slack. Oh and these are in no particular order nor are they all inclusive since again, I should have been in bed 4 hours ago!

I am Blessed:
1. Unspoken-- probably close to 5 of these... curious aren't you ;)
2. The wonderful conversation I had tonight.
3. The wonderful message I got earlier that gave me some hope that not all of this suffering is in vain.
4. That I "know people who know people" who can get things done for me.
5. That I have the wonderful love and support of all my friends, family, churches, etc.
6. That I was able to speak something from the heart that wasn't judged.
7. That I have gotten several compliments today from different people.
8. That I have a friend from home who not only gave me one last night with Tom, but has allowed me to use my widow humor and not judged me (to my face) and actually laughed with me. (read: Good friends laugh with you at your bad jokes in times like these. Any other time you can AT me).
9. Those who have helped with the kids-- you know who you are. ;)
10. Those who have made us food! The Lord knows that I do not cook in times like these.
11. The new people I have met and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.
12. All the wonderful people who are praying for us since I can't do it.
13. IDK I'll fill in later. I'm off to sleep and with 2 minutes to go before midnight!!

My Heart is Lost

2010-06-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I have to do a timeline of events for NCIS starting back in 2007. It made me really think about what we've been through and especially the past few months. I started to think about how your Command put a MPO on you even though I didn't want it. They said it would only be about 3 days, but it was 14. They said I could talk to you everyday, but I could barely get a hold of them and they only let me talk to you once (well that they knew of). We weren't supposed to communicate at all, but we did it anyway. The MPO started on a Monday and you came home for the weekend on that Friday night. When I saw you there walking in our front door my heart raced with relief and excitement. I had tried for 2 days to get a hold of your command and I didn't know what was going on. I was so thankful to see you, scared you'd get in trouble, but so happy! I cried when you hugged me. I had missed you SO much and I know you felt the same. That was why you took the chance. You wanted to be with me as desperately as I wanted you. It felt like you were gone on a deployment and we had been away for a long time. I remember how you felt, how you smelled, and how you made me feel so loved and needed. We hugged for what seemed like forever, neither of us wanting to let go. You held me so close that whole night. That whole weekend really. You came home the following weekend, too.

Those two weekends were probably the best we've had in a long time. They were just so full of love and not being able to get enough of each other. I would actually use the word "perfect" to describe them. We haven't had many "perfect" times in the past few years. It was so nice, so comforting, so hopeful. How did it go from hopeful to this? Oh, dear God I wish that you were just in the barracks right now and any day you'd come home to us. I want to feel you in my arms again. I want you to say "I love you" without the tears and fear and most importantly without the goodbye that went with those words just moments before your life ended. I want to hear them in the excited way telling me you've missed me and are glad to be home. Home, hmm... Home doesn't really mean the same thing anymore. If "Home is where the heart is" then I couldn't be able to tell you where home Truly is because I don't know where you are. What I do know is that you are not where you should be and since my heart is with you it's lost to me until I'm with you again.

Love always,
Katie

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Why is it so hard for me to remember my dreams with you in them? I never have a hard time remembering dreams. Last night I was dreaming about you until Avery woke me up. I tried so hard to remember the dream, but I couldn't. What I could remember was the feeling that I had during the dream. It was kind of peaceful. I think it's the way you may feel or at least the way I'd feel if you were here with me now. I went back to sleep hoping to see you again and I did. And part of this dream I did remember. You were standing there in your Camies and I was so happy. I also had that same feeling as in the other dream. In it someone from your Command told me that you were getting deployed right away to replace another injured Marine again. I cried out, "No! I just got him back! You can't take him from me!" He replied that it was only for a few months and he Promised me you would come home again. You said it would be ok and you had to go. I held you so tightly. I didn't want to let go, not ever, but with the promise that you would come home safe again-- I let go... I woke up thinking you were still alive, just deployed. And then as I became more oriented with what was going on, I realized that it was just a dream and there was no deployment, no chance to hold you again. I crumbled inside and out. I was glad to have a few minutes by myself before the kids woke up to compose myself.

*******

Today was Memorial Day and this year it signified something much deeper to me and to all those who knew and loved you. It wasn't just "those men and women who lost their lives serving this great country" that we remembered, the unknown names and faces that we all are grateful for, but have no real connection to. This year, this day, was very different for us. This day 3 weeks ago is when you left this life after serving our country and struggling for so long. Today it was YOU, Tommy, that we all had on our minds. It was YOU that we honored and thanked for the ultimate sacrifice.
It was YOU that our hearts were aching for. It was YOU that we remembered and missed beyond words. It is YOU, Tommy who made this day more personal than any of us ever wanted it to be. You will always be remembered for the good, for the honor, for the love, for the sacrifice. We love you!

*******

After I was told you died I eventually was able to make my way into our house and I sat in our new recliner only to camp out on it for most of the next week. It was only a day two after 'they' came to the door that I sat in that chair talking to the Chaplin, saying how I don't want to feel it; I don't want to deal with it at all. But I know that the only way for me to heal is to just sit in it; just sit in the pain and feel it for a while or I would never have the chance to heal. He said that if he just bottle up what I said and tell all the Marines that and make them understand then they would be better off. But you know, Tommy, I'm not doing that right now. I'm being just like most of the Marines he was talking about by pushing those feelings down-- so far down that I don't have to even think about them for parts of the day.
My cousin sent me something that says "Life is all about how you handle Plan B." In her note to me she wrote, "Plan A may not have worked out the way you expected, so it's on to Plan B. Good luck with Plan B." My thoughts on this? Well, if you must ask, I say thanks for wishing me 'good luck' because Lord knows I need it! I want to sit and have a tantrum like a 3 year old and say 'I do Not want a Plan B! Give me back Plan A!' I mean she is right, you know. I can not change the past. One of these days I WILL have to eventually accept the fact that you are not deployed. I will have to start living Plan B, but for now? For now I'd like to think I can sit somewhere in between Plans A & B. I am not ready to handle Plan B even if I'm now already living it.
There was a wife I knew from your first deployment that contacted me to send her and her husband's condolences when they found out about your death. She also sent me a link to another widow's blog. It's good to see what other (young) widows have to say. Just as I find writing therapeutic I also find reading very helpful, too. She had something on the saying "This too shall pass." And it reminded me of when you first deployed to Iraq in 2006. Katie L. came over one day soon after and gave me a card (which sang the chorus of "I will survive") and a plaque which said "This too shall pass, Now would be nice." After we moved here I realized that it broke in the box I had packed it in. Meaningful? Maybe, but probably not-- I just thought I'd add that part. The thing is I wish that 'this' would pass. I would love for the pain to pass; love for life to pass to be quite honest with you. I would love to wake up and have this nightmare of a life be completely over and happier days to be here yet again.

Loving you Always,
Katie

A Couple of Things

2010-05-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

So a few days ago I was walked through your last hours with the people who were there that day. It was very emotional, and towards the end I had a hard time keeping myself composed, but I managed fairly well. One person, I'm sure you know who, said that there was this peace he felt as he made eye contact with you. I know it sounds crazy. It sounded that way to me too, but somehow him telling me that helped me in some way. I don't know how to explain it; he didn't even know how to explain it, but he said that I have an angel watching over me right now and it was his sincerity that made me feel like maybe he is right. It was hard to hear some of what they said. It made me frustrated and feel let down. It could have been prevented, Tom. They could have done things differently and you would not have died. I know I made the phone call and I will forever take responsibility for that, especially knowing that the care you were getting wasn't the care that was best for you. But there were other things that could have been done, yes, that day absolutely, but even before that day. Its disheartening really and now I have to find a way to keep living. Well, surviving is more like it.

Everyone keeps commenting on how strong I am. Is that one of those catch phrases that everyone feels obligated to say? "Your strong, you'll get through this." I am glad that there are a few people who are honest enough to tell me the truth-- it will Always hurt! Mostly the ones who are honest are the people who have lost someone close (either a child or a husband). I wish that people didn't think so highly of my capabilities to cope with this. They have no idea. I am NOT strong! I want to scream it from the highest building I can find. I. AM. NOT. STRONG! I am living in denial, pretending you are coming home. I would say if anything, that makes me weak. I cannot deal with the pain. I cannot deal with the guilt. Normally I wear my heart on my sleeve, but not this time. This time I am keeping it bottled up. Yes, sometimes I break down and cry in front of people, but they don't see the full effect. I can't allow that. I'm trying, Tom. I'm trying to do this for you, for our kids, but right now I wish I a delete button. Just one do-over is all I ask for and this would be the time I use it. I'm living in la-la land on that one, but I still have hope for a time machine, lol.

The kids are doing alright, I guess. Nathan has been at the neighbor's house a lot. Avery has now started to ask to go there, too. She got a tricycle and he put it together for her and he put Nathan's T-ball set together, too. But, oh boy would you have been MAD at Nathan! He took a pen and colored on the wall AND our new recliner! He does NOT want to listen to me (no it's worse than before). He tries to tell Avery what to do and she in turn tells him what to do. It's too funny when she does it. She's a little Mommy, pointing her finger and saying, "Stop it Nathan!" It's good that they have each other. I hope they stay close as the grow up. It's great to watch them do fun and silly things, like Avery pushing Nathan on her pink tricycle. I was watching them yesterday and it was one of those moments that I wanted to call to you and say, "Come look at the kids." Then we'd laugh At them together (But they would think we were laughing With them!) It's moments like this that I have a hard time getting through. I can't just call to you or call you on the phone or send you an email or text with a picture. I can't do any of those things. I can't tell you all the funny stories about our beautiful children and you can't watch them grow up with me. I will never forget what you said to me 3 weeks ago tonight. I knew Tom, I knew how serious it was. And you were wrong Tom, you were so wrong.

Miss you & Love you,
Katie

My RING & Friday Night

2010-05-30T04:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Well, as you know I had lost some weight and my wedding ring kept coming off. I went to get it sized the week before you died, but they said it would take 2 weeks. For some reason I couldn't part with it for 2 weeks and I'm so glad I didn't. I lost a little more weight after I found out about you. I was so terrified that now I really would lose it somewhere, so on our Anniversary I took it off and put it on my necklace right where yours is.
Friday night I went out with Jena and stopped by Kay's to get a ring guard. It's a little obvious and not cute because it's yellow gold. Well, while I was there I asked to see the diamond that you had bought me back in December-- the one I never got when we got married and always teased you about. ;) Wow, wasn't that a disaster from Nathan spoiling the surprise to me telling you to return it? I know, I know I could kick myself for that now. Not like you gave it to me in any special way (thanks Nathan, haha). My biggest reason for that was because I didn't think we could afford it. I wish I had kept it. I asked the lady working there if it would be strange for me to buy it now. She said no, she thought it was sweet. Jena walked in the store at that point and I asked her and she said I should. We were both holding back tears. I am not sure if I should get it-- how you'd feel about it, but I think I really want to.

So later we went to this bar called The Hideaway. I didn't know about it, not like I would or would have ever chosen to go there since I never really went out before. It was ok, I guess. I was doing "good" until I heard "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. I had to walk outside and I started to really cry. It was one of the songs you put on the CD you made for me before Afghanistan and obviously the words are fitting. Well, there was this woman, obviously inebriated, talking to Jena (who was sitting next to me) saying "I'll kick his ass, whoever he is for making her cry like that." Jena replied with "You can't." She felt so bad after I told her why I was crying and said she'd pray for me. I can hear you say in your sarcastic voice "Aw, isn't that nice." But really it is Tom. I have lots of people praying for me and the kids. And we Need those prayers because I sure as heck am not praying right now. I have no desire to pray. Do I still believe in the Lord as my Savior? Yes. Do I feel betrayed and abandoned right now? Yes. Do I want Anything to do with God? NO! But I'm thankful for those who care enough to pray.

So I talked to a new friend/ old acquaintance who is also a "Military Widow" and she warned me to be careful because there will be Marines crawling all over me if they know who I am... and boy was she Right! I was very surprised, Tom. I'm sure THAT doesn't surprise you! BUT I really am starting to not be so naive. I'm not surprised I got hit on, but that this guy did it even after he saw my total breakdown about my husband who died nearly 3 weeks ago! Wow, Tom, maybe I should take the advice about getting out of here. I feel that there are some things I need to do first, though. Maybe next year? I'm not sure yet. Time will tell what I should be doing... Should be doing? What I 'SHOULD' be doing is living my life With You! That is what I 'Should' be doing.

Love always,
Katie

Dear President Obama

2010-05-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Dear President Obama,

I am sitting here one day after learning that you will be spending Memorial Day in Chicago on vacation instead of in Washington, DC to lay the traditional wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and I hoped that my feelings of anger would have subsided, however, they have not. I am appalled at your decision and feel it not only a slap in the face to our great country and all our military service members, but also, to me personally. You see President Obama, my husband died for this country exactly three weeks before Memorial Day as he scummed to his invisible wounds produced by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

President Obama, I do not believe that anyone should dictate when you spend time on vacation with your family as you spend countless hours working hard doing the job of our Commander-in-Chief. However, I do believe there are two days that without a doubt you should spend at our nation's Capital. The first is July Fourth and the second is Memorial Day. Putting all political views and party lines aside, I would feel any President who so disrespectfully declines to honor our fallen on the one day our nation comes together to recognize their sacrifice has no patriotism.

I find it deplorable that you would choose this day to be on vacation. You see, President Obama, your first priority and obligation is to our country. This is one of the first lessons I learned five years ago when I became a Marine wife. When you choose a job of great service to our great country you must put that country first. I know personally how your family misses you and does not get to spend enough time with you. Everyone needs that vacation and time with their family, I do not disagree with this fact. However, President Obama, so many lives have been lost defending this country, our freedoms, and everything it stands for. There is one day in which we gather to honor and respect the sacrifice they and their families have made. It bothers me deeply that you can not give one day of your time to show this to them-- to us.

Sincerely,
Katie Bagosy

p.s. In case I didn't make myself clear: You can take a vacation with your family any time you want. My children and I will Never again be able to take a vacation with the man we loved so dearly-- a father and husband who's life was sacrificed for our Nation. His life and all other Veterans should be Remembered and Honored by you this Memorial Day, not disregarded.
Mr. Obama, it makes me sick that YOU are the President and leader of this wonderful country when you have no regard, respect, honor, or gratitude to the men and women who allow You to run our nation. They sacrificed their lives for you, me, and everyone else. Remember that!

I Survived

2010-05-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Well, I survived yesterday fairly unscathed. It was the first in a long line of firsts to get through. Next will be your birthday. Last year you were deployed for it and we got you a cake to celebrate anyway, so maybe we'll do that again this year. I still have some time to figure that out and there is still more to deal with before then. As for yesterday, it was wonderful to see all the love and support from so many women from church taking us out to lunch. It was a great distraction and Nathan had a blast, too. One of the ladies bought me flowers. Then Jena and I went out last night because I was trying to stay out of the house as much as possible. Jena bought me roses and I brought one into the restaurant with me. It was just sitting on my purse and out of no where it rolled off. I would like to think it was you maybe saying hello or I love you on our Anniversary.

I knew that the nights would be the hardest, but the Chaplin told me the mornings would be. Now I can say they are equally as difficult. For obvious reasons the nights are hard; you are not there to cuddle with or talk to or watch movies with (or help keep Nathan in his room for that matter). The mornings are hard because I don't have you to wake up and make sure you get up for work. I wake up and think "Why bother even getting out of bed?" I don't see you there, I don't get my morning hug or kiss. I don't get to ask "Will you be home for lunch?" Because I know you won't be, not today, not any day. I wake up thinking "How am I going to find the strength to make it through this day?" I don't care about anything without you here. I just Don't care!

Nathan has been such a good big brother to Avery lately. He has really grown up and is like a little man. It's kind of sad, but nice to see him wanting to take care of her. He gave me some change from his piggy bank and said "This is to buy Avery's bike." So, I thought since I was buying her a bike I should get him something special, too. I bought him some little Camies today on base and now he's been playing Marine since we got home. He found some boot socks and a belt in his closet and went in the garage to get a pair of your boots. He's so proud "to be a Marine like Daddy." It's so cute and I wish you were here to see it, too.

I was crying a little while ago and Nathan asked if I was still sad about Daddy. I said yes with which he replied "I'm not sad because I already know he's dead, but you don't know that yet." First of all, he IS devastated, but doesn't want to cry with me. He tells me to stop because it makes him sad. Second, you know I think he's right. I think I really am in "deployment mode" and really think you are coming home. Tommy, when I really allow myself to Feel it, to accept that you are gone forever gets too overwhelming. I don't know how to do this in the long run, not alone, not without you. I can do 7 months. I've done it 3 times since we got married. We spent numerous other nights, days, and weeks apart for everything from duty to trainings. I can do that. It honestly sucks, but I'm used to that-- a few days here and few weeks there. I hate deployments, HATE them! But I can do them. What I Can't do is forever. I can't do forever without you. I don't want to and I don't know how to. Part of me is missing and I can't get it back. It didn't have to be this way and I can't accept it's real. I wish I knew how long it would be until we were together again because that is the day I look forward to. I lost any and all sense of fear the night I found out you were gone. I don't fear life and I sure don't fear death.

Do you remember a few weeks ago we watched WhiteOut and for some reason afterwards when we went up to bed I just started to break down crying? I told you that I had this HORRIBLE feeling that I was going to make the wrong decision on something, but I had no clue what. I said 'If something bad happens and I make the wrong decision on something and someone gets hurt, I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry.' I couldn't explain it, but you held me and said "It's ok." But Tommy, it's not ok! It's really and truly NOT ok and it never will be again. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I pretend I'm ok with other people around. They all say I'm "Strong," but they have NO idea what this is doing to me inside. I'm sorry, Tommy. I love you and miss you always.

Love you,
Katie

"Happy" Anniversary

2010-05-25T03:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

"Happy" Anniversary, Tommy. This is not how I planned, hoped, or wanted to spend our 5th Anniversary. This year we were supposed to go all out for our anniversary and start really looking ahead because things were supposed to be good now. Obviously that is not the case. Last year we were at the zoo with the kids. That was fun. Remember the "Hoe-tell"! Nathan was talking about that the other day. It made me smile. But this year we were supposed to go away just the two of us.

They say that holidays, birthdays, anniversaries (wedding, date you died), will all be the hardest in the first year. This is the first of those days and I have the distinct feeling that it'll be a long one!

Some of the wonderful women from church know that today will be a very difficult day, so they decided that we'll all go out to lunch so I don't have to be alone at home. So, guess where we're going? Fuddruckers! lol. I have never been there before as you know, but I can't help but think of our favorite movie to watch together. I remember the first time we saw it; you loved it and I hated it! "Idiocracy" is such a fitting name for that movie, but each time we saw it I liked it more and more until it became our own 'cult classic.'

Wow, Tom, you and I have SO many inside jokes and funny lines that I don't even know if I can count that high, but there must be at least 7 just from that movie alone! (And what about Grandma's Boy? Oh I can't wait to get your phone back!) I said at your funeral how funny you are and how now I have no one to laugh with. I mean there is no one on this planet besides you that I could be in the middle of a conversation with and one of us busts out with "Blah blah blah... you gotta believe me" and have the other person falling to the ground laughing. Even those who have seen the movie wouldn't get "it." Not like we did, because it was ours. We made it our own.

We've done a lot of laughing lately and I'm so sad that you're not here to laugh with me anymore. I can't laugh now-- at least not like I used to. And not unless I'm using "widow humor" which apparently there are 'rules' for it, too. I mean yes, right now I get to play the 'widow card,' but people who aren't widows (or who aren't at that point yet) wouldn't find it appropriate. You know me, I jumped on that one by day 3. I was sitting in Verizon with Jena and made a bad joke which I followed up with "Too soon?" That's me. The tragic things are the ones I make jokes about because otherwise I'm on the floor crying the whole darn day. I just don't really handle grief well. I never have and honestly, I haven't had much experience with it. Wow, what a way to be introduced to tragedy, loss, and pain!

Yesterday was 2 weeks since you died. I went to NCIS for my official statement and the Special Agent was running late. While I was there someone walked in who had been there that day. As he started talking (not to me) and my body started shaking. It was as if I was hearing the news for the first time all over again. He was one of the people who tried to save you, but it couldn't be done. I had to identify the gun, too. It was hard, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I'd end up on the floor, but while I was upset I disconnected myself from it and just found myself with this huge desire to hold it. Obviously it's part of evidence and I couldn't, but I really wanted to. Somehow I felt that if I could hold it I could understand better what happened in those last minutes and feel what you were feeling. I could understand better where you were at that point.

Tommy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you were put in that situation. I'm sorry you were hurting so much. I'm sorry for everything. I pray you are at peace in heaven in the arms of God and that today on our Anniversary you can say that you are Happy. I miss you and I love you. I know you felt the same. I keep thinking about when you called me in the car to say "I love you" and goodbye. I don't know if you were on the phone long enough to hear me say it back, but I hope so. I hope you heard it one last time.

Love you always,
Katie

Music Makes Me Think

2010-05-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

I've been listening to a lot of music that reminds me of you and I just think back to all the things that made those songs memorable. I'm listening to Cyndi Thomson right now. That CD is still working after 9 years! It's amazing, lol. I remember laying in your arms on the couch in your basement "forcing" you to watch CMT with me! You hated it, but did it anyway. Now that's love! ;) I was obsessed with her music when she first came out and some of her songs really rang true for me at different times.

Now I just think back to when we were first dating and how I'd stay at your house as long as possible before driving back to college. You'd call me first thing on the days you cut school and any chance I could I'd cut class and come see you. I know how much your parents tried to get you to go to school and I'd half-heartedly tell you the same, but I'd love those early morning phone calls "I'm at home. Come see me." Yes, me the older college student corrupting the young high school senior, haha! Not really, but I'm sure I could have done a better job convincing you to go to school. I would have stayed at La Salle if it wasn't for you. It was only an hour drive, but I wanted so desperately to be closer to you.

I felt so safe in your arms. You've always felt like HOME. We'd just be there together for hours not needing to talk much because it was the unspoken that said the most-- your touch, your kiss, the look in your eyes telling me that I was the only one and no one else compared. You told me some amazing things, too and I always said you should write a book of lines for guys to use because you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world that ever felt that special. Oh, but the look, Tommy, was what melted my heart and captured me forever. You Still had that look for me and it's burned into my soul. No one can take that from me and I'll hold onto it forever. You know it's that look, that feeling of 'home' that I'll miss the most. That incredible love that was always there deep in our souls.

No one could ever make me feel that way again, Tommy. And really, I agree with my new "widow friend" that I wouldn't want that. You are so special and I don't want to know that with anyone else. She's been a widow for 6 years and at least she's honest and says that it'll always hurt and it won't go away. Her husband was a Marine, too. So it's a little different in that way where we can relate to this life that others can not understand. She spent 2 1/2 hours one night talking to me which was a great help. They were high school sweethearts and and had some of the same experiences after war that we did. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it's nice to have someone understand where I am at and not pity me or even judge me or ask the same dreaded questions all the time.

Don't get me wrong am I SO, SO thankful for everyone's support, but with Andrea I can sit there and say how I really feel and she knows exactly what I'm talking about. I feel like I have to either lie to everyone else and say I'm OK or fine. Because when I tell the truth as to how I'm feeling, well, I feel bad and I think I make them uncomfortable. I guess it's one of those situations that no one knows how to handle or what to say and people walk on egg shells. I just know that if they weren't there helping me through this, well, I may not be writing this right now. Well, I miss you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm going to bed hoping that I'll see you in my dreams.

Love your wife,
Katie

Remembering

2010-05-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Tommy,

Oh, Tommy, I want to go back in time. I want to do something different, anything different. I remember watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with you recently and there was a scene where the girl got hit by a car and it ruined her professional dancing career. I remember how Brad Pitt was explaining the events that led up to her getting hit and how if any ONE of those things had been different she would not have been hit; she'd still be able to dance. I keep thinking of the million things that led up to your death and how if I could go back and change any ONE of those things you'd still be here, but I can't and that's a hard pill to swallow.
We'd be getting ready to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Five years, Tommy! I remember how your Command didn't want to give you leave to come get married. They thought we wouldn't make it even a year because we were so young and we didn't have a long engagement-- if you want to call it an engagement, lol. Oh man, do you remember how it rained? I thought that was supposed to be a sign of good luck. I guess we shouldn't buy into things like that. I'm sure it's just said to make the bride feel better anyway.
I always felt that if we made it to 5 years then everything would be ok and we'd make it forever. I'm feeling kind of mad tonight. I asked you to wait, Tom. I asked you to wait until after our anniversary and you didn't. I was trying to buy us some time. I needed more time to figure out what to do, how to fix this. I wanted to celebrate 5 years of marriage with you. I was thinking today about how this town is inundated with divorce. Almost every friend I've had down here has gotten a divorce. Some of those surprised me because I felt they gave up over some things that weren't divorce worthy. You and I on the other hand were the ones I thought would have done it by now. We have been through so much and were close at a point, but we never did. We could never go through with it. Our love for each other was too strong.
I remember us saying one time how it would be pointless since we knew we'd end up back together again someday anyway. We knew that life without the other would never be as good as life together. Life together, Tommy, until death do us part. Remember those vows? Well, I guess you sure kept that one *thanks.* Death was supposed to be when we were old and had watched our grand kids grow up, not when we were in our 20s, and definitely Not like this!
I'm sorry Tommy, that my love for you couldn't save you. I know that the things torturing you were far to great and you needed something bigger than I was prepared to handle. I'm sorry for everything as I'm sure you'd be saying to me right now, too. We were so close, Tommy, so incredibly close to everything being fixed. I think that is part of what is so hard. The fact that things were on the cusp of being "all better." I feel numb right now, angry, but numb. The sadness is a constant, but right now I'm burying it. You and I were connected on a different level and I know that I will never have that with another person and really I wouldn't want it. I just want you, but I can't have you anymore. It wasn't supposed to end like this.
I wonder if you "knew." I kept asking for us to make solid plans for our anniversary, but you kept saying "Let's just wait." Normally you'd at least pick a place or talk about it, but you didn't this time. I could feel you slipping away. I just didn't think it would really happen. I thought I had more time to figure it all out. I didn't and I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry We failed you. I don't deserve forgiveness and while I'll never forgive myself I pray that you forgive me. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I can wish all I want, but it won't change anything. I'm here and you are not and I hurt. I miss you and I love you. I fell in love when I was 18. I never stopped loving you, not for one minute and I never will.

Love your Wife,
Katie

My First Blog

2010-05-20T03:13:00.000-07:00

I've thought about blogging before, many times actually. I love to write because I find it extremely therapeutic. I make bad jokes at the wrong times because I would rather laugh than cry. I'm an open book with nothing to hide. That is one trait that drove my husband up a wall! He was a very private person, so for him to know I was blogging because of and about him may not make him too happy, but I hope he'd realize that this is one way for me to start to heal.

My husband was a Marine. I hate using the past tense to talk about him. Right now I should be kissing my husband goodbye as he goes to work knowing that in a few hours he'll be home and I can give him a hug as he walks in the door in his camies. That won't happen now, not ever. Tom, my husband, the man I have loved for the past 9 years, is dead. I am still in the denial stage. He died Monday May 10, 2010. He took his own life aboard Camp Lejeune.

That day, that horrible, horrible day was supposed to be the day he Finally got the real help that he had been so desperately seeking. I thought he was ok. I was told he was ok. I was told that because I told them he had a gun I saved his life. I didn't save his life. I killed him. Yes, everyone says "It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done. You were trying to help him." But no matter what anyone says that is how I feel. I will always feel responsible for how his life ended. I got off the phone and the words that she used didn't sit right with me. "The MP's secured him and he is on the way to the hospital." How did they secure him? Was he hurt? I know she said he was alive and ok, but maybe somewhere deep down I knew. She didn't know, not then. She thought he was ok, I did too for a little while.

3:45PM: An unmarked car pulled up to my house. I went outside and he had the wrong address. I came back in and broke down crying. I thanked God because for a moment I thought it was Tom. I thought he was here with bad news, but he wasn't. He was ok (again), or so I thought. Not even 15 minutes later, a knock at my door. I opened it and knew. You never open the door to anyone in their uniform unless they have the worst news ever. I stepped outside and closed the door behind me as my children were inside. I asked if he was dead. They needed to verify who I was. For some reason they had my maiden name. I corrected them and as I said "It's Bagosy" I fell to the ground before he could even get the words out "We regret to inform you..." It was all I heard as I hit the ground. My neighbors all rushed over and took care of the kids. How? How did it happen? I was told he was alive and safe! How did it all go wrong? Eventually I got my answers, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter because he was gone.

I found out at 4PM that my husband had died-- that my life was over, at least in the sense that nothing would ever be the same. This wasn't something that could be fixed. It wasn't something that an apology would make up for. It wasn't another ridiculous fight that got out of hand and in a few hours it would be as if nothing bad happened. This was real. This IS real, but I have yet to accept it. How do I do that? How do really truly accept that I am a WIDOW and a single mom?

I try to make it real in my mind. I try to sit there and tell myself 'He's NOT coming back. This is NOT another deployment. He's NOT in the field or on duty or anything else. He IS Dead. Forever. There is no turning back.' But I can't. I stop myself because the pain is to great; it's too real. Living in denial is better. I cry and cry, but I can stop myself after a while. I'm terrified of the day that it truly hits me and I can no longer pretend. The tears will flow and I don't know if they'll ever stop.

May 15, 2010 was his funeral back in DE. It was easier being there, even on that day. I'm back home in NC and it's hard-- It's Hard! It hurts more. I can't pretend here as well. I look around and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I'm waiting right now, waiting for the day for it to totally sink in, to become real. I fear that day, but it's coming and when it does... well I don't have a clue as what to expect. No one knows truly how this feels or how to handle it until it's here, and it's here. That's why I'm blogging, so that I can have a place to put my pain. It's a journey I don't want to be on, but I have no choice. I have to learn this life day by day. There are so many things I want to tell Tom, I want to share, I want him to know. This is my place for him-- for me to tell him.